Female cannot reach an orgasm - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Tibbar75 · 05-01-2006, 10:28 PM

It's been asked before but I have yet to find an answer. And trust me when I say that I have reseached!

I am a 23 years old female and have been sexually active for a long while and with many different people. All of my experiences involving sex have been positive. I am not shy in bed and have always been willing to try new things. I have been masturbating long before I have ever been active with anyone else. And yet I have a huge issue reaching an orgasm. I have been able to bring myself to one a handful or times and once my husband has brought me there. The only reliable source is my vibrator. It is not an issue with lack of foreplay or arouse.

I have no idea what to do, the gyno has told me to experiment and masturbate. Well I have done that. I even entertained the idea that I am a lesbian (pre husband) and I assure you I am not.

I am looking for some real advice here!

I enjoy sex, love and find my husband extremely attractive. He has no idea that I have this problem on this level. We have talked about the fact that it is hard for me to reach orgasms, and he has always been kind and patient in bed as well as willing to experiment

Could it be that I am reaching orgasms but on a less intense level? I often feel satisfied afterwards... and yet I feel empty inside.

Martian · 05-01-2006, 11:25 PM

It's not the destination, it's the journey.

A lot of folks have trouble reaching orgasm, women in particular. Us men are pretty straightforward in that department and don't have difficulty as often (which isn't to say we never do), but it seems more women have trouble there.

With men, we have an orgasm and... well, it's there. There are differences in the types of orgasm a guy can have, but it's nothing like women... for the fairer sex, there are all manner of different types of orgasm. Some women have a more 'male' orgasm (ie, one big one and then you're done for a while), while others are prone to one or more smaller orgasms. Most fall somewhere in between.

Seriously, don't get too worked up about reaching an orgasm. You say you enjoy sex and are often satisfied, so why does it matter if you come or not? As long as you're enjoying it and he's enjoying it, there's nothing to get too worked up about.

It's also worth noting that stress plays a big part, and it can be more subtle then you think. When you're all wet and naked if all you're thinking is 'I hope I come, why can't I come, what's wrong with me, I hope my husband doesn't think it's his fault, when am I going to come...?' and so on and so on, you're going to have a hard time actually relaxing enough to get there.

Relax, have fun and just let things happen as they happen. Maybe if you can get your mind off it, you'll be able to reach orgasm. Maybe you won't. As long as sex is enjoyable, I'd say just take it for what it is.

visotech · 05-02-2006, 12:10 AM

If you haven't tried it already, while your having vaginal sex you should try some clitoral stimulation. From what I understand clitoral orgasms are a lot more common then strictly vaginal ones. (You'd be surprised how many women have never tried it...)

maleficent · 05-02-2006, 04:08 AM

I'm sure if I looked, I could find some statistic that will tell you that orgasms, for women, are a certain percentage in your mind... I'd be willing to wager that number is pretty darned high...

For me, orgasms are rare... It's not that I don't enjoy sex, good lord, i'd have it three times a day given the chance, but that elusive orgasm rarely happens... It's tougher on the guy than it is on me... because there's an pretty fragile ego involved -no you didn't do anythig wrong, you did everything right, it really is me.. but no i'm not a freak show... (well maybe a little)

For me, it's 97.82 percent mental... that I can't relax enough, or just be "in the moment" and go with what happens... my head is always jumping three spaces ahead and wondering if I will or I won't.. .once I get to that head space -- I can't... and all the advice given and all the books written on the subect - don't help - -unless you've been there, on a regular basis, you can't imagine the frustration... and that makes it worse...

What do I suggest? Relax... (easier said than done) Don't worry so much if you will or you won't (easier said than done)... One thing that did help me a bit (and I can't beleive i'm actually saying this) was a bit of role playing... where the guy I was involved with I gave over total control to (that was a huge thing for me... and not something I've ever done) we got out the blindfolds, silk scarves, he got to play with japanese rope bondage, and headphones with music so I couldn't hear or see what was coming next... Justwas completely in the moment.. .and it happened... (hasn't happened much since then... but... I haven't given up hope...

Hang in there, tibbar, you will find what works for you... be honest with your husband... take some pressure off yourself... and have fun -- sex is supposed to be fun... and pleasurable - -worrying about an orgasm is entirely too stressful... just enjoy the ride...

savvypup · 05-02-2006, 04:15 AM

I have the same issue Tibbar. A lot of the time, I go past that sensitive point and the feeling like I'm building up to cum just disappears. I find it very frustrating.

I find clitoral stimpulation and anal more so brings it on for me. Maybe that!

ASU2003 · 05-02-2006, 04:54 AM

I doubt that you would have been on any drugs that entire time, but SSRIs and a few other ones can delay orgasms.

Experiment with holding your breath when you feel you are close.

doncalypso · 05-03-2006, 04:17 AM

Tibbar75, I'd recommend you save some time for the sole purpose of your husband giving you oral sex. I'm willing to bet that if you spend a good hour of manual and oral stimulation without any penetration you will end up experiencing orgasm.

Of course, that is assuming you're not on any medication that cause negative sexual side effects.

Invalid Comfort · 05-03-2006, 11:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ASU2003

I doubt that you would have been on any drugs that entire time, but SSRIs and a few other ones can delay orgasms.

Experiment with holding your breath when you feel you are close.

In terms of relaxation, this tends to do quite the opposite. I've read, heard, and witnessed that it's better to breathe deep and breathe steady. It gives something to concentrate on, without the thoughts of "will I cum our not". Not to mention the sounds made are really enpowering!

A couple of people I've been with have had problems with orgasms. I just tell them to breathe deep and concentrate on me. It helps relieve mental tension.

I just have the experince through my... well experinces, though. I don't have the equipment to offer more personal advice. Just observations

.

I tend to have problems reaching orgasm. I can only reach that peak through penetration or from personal masturbation. Doesn't bother me, as my orgasms don't really feel like anything special. I found that personally it helps to know what I like. I've been with people who would try something, and I'll go, try this, my skin's picky...ect.

ASU2003 · 05-03-2006, 08:24 PM

Holding your breath is something to try. Also try and tense up your muscles around 10 seconds before you think you will have one. Mentally you aren't focused on "will I cum or not", but on the sensations and muscle response. But, maybe I have trained my body to work in a certain way, so it might not work for everyone.

If it works, great. If not, you had fun trying.

Invalid Comfort · 05-03-2006, 09:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ASU2003

Holding your breath is something to try. Also try and tense up your muscles around 10 seconds before you think you will have one. Mentally you aren't focused on "will I cum or not", but on the sensations and muscle response. But, maybe I have trained my body to work in a certain way, so it might not work for everyone.

If it works, great. If not, you had fun trying.

That does sound like fun! I might have to try that...

heh.. awesome advice!

05-01-2006, 10:28 PM	#1 (permalink)
Tibbar75 Upright Location: USA	Female cannot reach an orgasm It's been asked before but I have yet to find an answer. And trust me when I say that I have reseached! I am a 23 years old female and have been sexually active for a long while and with many different people. All of my experiences involving sex have been positive. I am not shy in bed and have always been willing to try new things. I have been masturbating long before I have ever been active with anyone else. And yet I have a huge issue reaching an orgasm. I have been able to bring myself to one a handful or times and once my husband has brought me there. The only reliable source is my vibrator. It is not an issue with lack of foreplay or arouse. I have no idea what to do, the gyno has told me to experiment and masturbate. Well I have done that. I even entertained the idea that I am a lesbian (pre husband) and I assure you I am not. I am looking for some real advice here! I enjoy sex, love and find my husband extremely attractive. He has no idea that I have this problem on this level. We have talked about the fact that it is hard for me to reach orgasms, and he has always been kind and patient in bed as well as willing to experiment Could it be that I am reaching orgasms but on a less intense level? I often feel satisfied afterwards... and yet I feel empty inside.

05-01-2006, 11:25 PM	#2 (permalink)
Martian Young Crumudgeon Location: Canada	It's not the destination, it's the journey. A lot of folks have trouble reaching orgasm, women in particular. Us men are pretty straightforward in that department and don't have difficulty as often (which isn't to say we never do), but it seems more women have trouble there. With men, we have an orgasm and... well, it's there. There are differences in the types of orgasm a guy can have, but it's nothing like women... for the fairer sex, there are all manner of different types of orgasm. Some women have a more 'male' orgasm (ie, one big one and then you're done for a while), while others are prone to one or more smaller orgasms. Most fall somewhere in between. Seriously, don't get too worked up about reaching an orgasm. You say you enjoy sex and are often satisfied, so why does it matter if you come or not? As long as you're enjoying it and he's enjoying it, there's nothing to get too worked up about. It's also worth noting that stress plays a big part, and it can be more subtle then you think. When you're all wet and naked if all you're thinking is 'I hope I come, why can't I come, what's wrong with me, I hope my husband doesn't think it's his fault, when am I going to come...?' and so on and so on, you're going to have a hard time actually relaxing enough to get there. Relax, have fun and just let things happen as they happen. Maybe if you can get your mind off it, you'll be able to reach orgasm. Maybe you won't. As long as sex is enjoyable, I'd say just take it for what it is. __________________ I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said - Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

05-02-2006, 04:08 AM	#4 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	I'm sure if I looked, I could find some statistic that will tell you that orgasms, for women, are a certain percentage in your mind... I'd be willing to wager that number is pretty darned high... For me, orgasms are rare... It's not that I don't enjoy sex, good lord, i'd have it three times a day given the chance, but that elusive orgasm rarely happens... It's tougher on the guy than it is on me... because there's an pretty fragile ego involved -no you didn't do anythig wrong, you did everything right, it really is me.. but no i'm not a freak show... (well maybe a little) For me, it's 97.82 percent mental... that I can't relax enough, or just be "in the moment" and go with what happens... my head is always jumping three spaces ahead and wondering if I will or I won't.. .once I get to that head space -- I can't... and all the advice given and all the books written on the subect - don't help - -unless you've been there, on a regular basis, you can't imagine the frustration... and that makes it worse... What do I suggest? Relax... (easier said than done) Don't worry so much if you will or you won't (easier said than done)... One thing that did help me a bit (and I can't beleive i'm actually saying this) was a bit of role playing... where the guy I was involved with I gave over total control to (that was a huge thing for me... and not something I've ever done) we got out the blindfolds, silk scarves, he got to play with japanese rope bondage, and headphones with music so I couldn't hear or see what was coming next... Justwas completely in the moment.. .and it happened... (hasn't happened much since then... but... I haven't given up hope... Hang in there, tibbar, you will find what works for you... be honest with your husband... take some pressure off yourself... and have fun -- sex is supposed to be fun... and pleasurable - -worrying about an orgasm is entirely too stressful... just enjoy the ride... __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

05-02-2006, 04:15 AM	#5 (permalink)
savvypup Crazy Location: Want to run away? Follow the light	I have the same issue Tibbar. A lot of the time, I go past that sensitive point and the feeling like I'm building up to cum just disappears. I find it very frustrating. I find clitoral stimpulation and anal more so brings it on for me. Maybe that! __________________ ciao bella!

05-03-2006, 04:17 AM	#7 (permalink)
doncalypso TFP Mad Scientist Location: Philadelphia, PA	Tibbar75, I'd recommend you save some time for the sole purpose of your husband giving you oral sex. I'm willing to bet that if you spend a good hour of manual and oral stimulation without any penetration you will end up experiencing orgasm. Of course, that is assuming you're not on any medication that cause negative sexual side effects. __________________ Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

05-02-2006, 12:10 AM	#3 (permalink)
visotech Insane Location: San Diego, CA	If you haven't tried it already, while your having vaginal sex you should try some clitoral stimulation. From what I understand clitoral orgasms are a lot more common then strictly vaginal ones. (You'd be surprised how many women have never tried it...)

05-02-2006, 04:54 AM	#6 (permalink)
ASU2003 immoral minority Location: Back in Ohio	I doubt that you would have been on any drugs that entire time, but SSRIs and a few other ones can delay orgasms. Experiment with holding your breath when you feel you are close.

05-03-2006, 08:24 PM	#9 (permalink)
ASU2003 immoral minority Location: Back in Ohio	Holding your breath is something to try. Also try and tense up your muscles around 10 seconds before you think you will have one. Mentally you aren't focused on "will I cum or not", but on the sensations and muscle response. But, maybe I have trained my body to work in a certain way, so it might not work for everyone. If it works, great. If not, you had fun trying.