Have you ever been cheated on?
 

Has anyone here ever been cheated on and stayed with the cheater? If you did, why? Also, how did you slowly gain trust in the cheater again?

I am trying to figure out how trust is gained back in a relationship. I am meeting with a friend tomorrow who needs my advice! This kind of thing has never happened to me before (thank GOD) and therefore I am quite literally stumped.

TIA

:)

I don't think you can ever get back into a relationship with a cheater.

For one thing, the only reason the "cheater" is coming back into the relationship is because he/she has no one to go out with in the meatime, so you're like the spare tyre.

I have been cheated twice before. It sucks, and we remain just as very distant friends. It's hard to think of them as nice people because they cheated on you, and hence it is not possible for me to ever regain trust in them that a relationship should have.

Your friend would be better off finding someone new because he/she will not be able to find it in him/herself to trust the cheater enough to start a relationship.

Your friend knows that it shouldn't happen with the cheater, he/she just needs you to confirm that. :)

*typing "cheater" and "he/she" over and over again just starts sounding funny, reading it over sounds even funnier."

Yeah, I've been cheated on before. I stayed and am still with the cheater. It's been really hard. If I had to do it all over again, I would have been stronger and left. It's way too hard IMO to stay. You're always wondering if they're talking to (or doing anything with)the person that they cheated with still. You now know that they don't value as much as you thought. It's been about 9 months since he last talked to the girl, as far as I know. Just now, my trust is slowly making its way back. Nine months! I didn't realize that until just now. We're both older and I guess that's the main reason I stayed. I was afraid to be alone. But the experience taught me something. It taught me my limits and it has in the end made me a stronger person. I have made it very clear that if I am put in that situation again, I will not even fight. I will just pick up and leave and never look back. I don't need that in my life or the kind of person who would do that to me again. The main reason I wouldn't stay if I had to decide all over again is that our bond is weaker. I really feel that if someone were to sweep me off my feet I would now definitely consider leaving him. But I guess I stayed because he is usually very sweet and considerate and I really feel that he loves me.

I don't think I've been cheated on before, but if someone did cheat on me, I would dump their ass. Cheating shows such a blatent lack of respect for the partner that I simply wouldn't be able to work through it.

Yes Ive been, I was a kid though, like 17, but It was my first serious relationship, lasting more than a year... I stay with the girl cause I was stupid and thought that was the best I could ever get... man was I fuckin wrong!!

Bottom line is, Its very difficult to have the same kind of relationship with someone after the person has cheated... It will NEVER be exactly the same, you will of course lose trust and it will always be there in the back of your mind... If you want to give your friend advice, tell him/her to have fun until something better comes along... (thats just my opinion of course!)

Yes I've been cheated on---twice. My policy is to never take back a cheater because if you take back a woman after she's cheated on you you're giving her tacit permission to go and mess with other guys again because she figures you're always gonna forgive and forget.

Anyone who has read my journal knows I got this lovely phone call on Monday. She's in Italy and fooled around with a visitor from home when we were fighting. I don't really think there is any blanket statement about what to do about cheating that works, it's so situational and depends so much on the people involved. For some couples, I imagine cheating is the final or only straw, for others it's something that can be worked past.

Personally? I believe people can change, if they want to. For this reason I don't think a cheater should be written off outright. I think that it depends on the reason they're cheating and whether or not they are genuinely sorry and will ever do it again. I'm not going to say it's not going to hurt, and it's not going to change things, it certainly will. But it isn't something you can't work through and come out for the better on the other side.

I think the best advice you can give your friend is to be honest with themselves and be honest with their SO. Lay it all out, don't hold anything back, the only way to work through something like this is if both parties are totally open and honest. If they want to save the relationship this is the only way it's going to happen. Anything that doesn't come out now will later and certainly be the end then.

I've been cheated on twice, and it is super shitty. Cheating is the one thing I just can't forgive. I don't know how people could take their SO back after they have been cheated on; I doubt I ever could.

Honesty and trust is a big thing for me, and I could never trust a person after they cheated on me. I have a long memory for shit like that. It's not just with girlfriends either; if one of my friends stabs me in the back, it usually signals the end of our friendship.

While it may be true that it's possible to work through cheating episodes, I just think I'm deserve better than a fucking cheater, and I would rather be single than with one. I don't mean to take anything away from those who stay with cheaters; that is a lot of hard work, and it is something I wouldn't be able to do.

Been cheated on twice. Wouldn't go back to them at this point in my life.

At the time I did because I 'loved' them and 'wan ted to be with them' but in the end after that moment of cheating our relationships were never the same and could never be fixed. At least, I wouldn't let them be fixed because of how angry I was about it.

Let's just say that I don't know enough math to count the many times I have been cheated on, but I was born in a village of badass and bad karma, so I'm not complaining. Anyway, gaining trust in someone that has cheated on you is like pissing in a hurricane: it'll all blow back into your face. I am not saying that it's impossible or that a human being cannot be redeem or shoudl not be forgiven, but once you lose that trust, the way back to trust is longer than the road ahead to forgiveness, and neither destination offer any closure that's truly resolute.

I've been cheated on. Twice. Two different relationships however. My first "cheat" was when I was in high school. I left the guy and never looked back.

My second "cheat" is my current and steadily holding strong. This September will be 5 years for us. Our episode happened alittle over two years ago. Why did I stay? Because I truly do love him. For all his faults, I've accepted the good with the bad. However, to gain back trust, I'm allowed to access to his emails, messenger and such. After about 6 months, I quit looking. Every now and then, I have to access his email, but, it's usually when we have a parts order and I have to deal with the screw up of who we ordered from.

Over the two years, we communicate more than we ever did in the first two years. In a way, it made us stronger in ways. I'm not going to sit and defend him for what happened. We stayed apart for a couple of months without talking. One day we decided to get the stuff returned between us of what we had and it went from there. We talked trying to understnad the other.

I'm not second best. I'm not a spare. He spent time trying to explain to me why he did it and apologized. And, I have to agree, with what happened I would have done the same thing. Actually, I did do the same thing. His "first" love came into contact with him and he couldn't resist. I had the similiar problem after I left my ex-husband.

When they say, you can never go back. It doesn't always mean about home. Those people you were once in love with and how you remember them, they aren't always the same way. Time changes alot of people and our memory of them is completely skewered from what they are now.

Am I excusing him for what he did? No. Do I forgive him? Yes. Do I hold any grudge? No. Do we talk about it now? Not really... we get the giggles about it sometimes when something reminds of us of that time frame.

I never have been a grudge holding non forgiving person. If he was to do it all over again, I have to say his ass would be kicked out and I'd make sure that he understood that I wouldn't want to see a hair of him ever again. And he actually already knows that a second time won't happen.

God... I'm such a rambler! :lol:

I've been cheated on. But the dumb bitch won't admit to it. The dude she fucked admited to it. She won't.


Anyway. No I wouldn't stay with them. If they wanted to get together for sex once in a while... I'd be down. Given that I was single.

I was never cheated on (at least to my knowledge, and I think all of us need to recognize that it's always subject to that modifier). When I was dating, I wouldn't have been able to toss stones without being a hypocrite, because I rarely was totally faithful in any of my long-term relationships. The "cheating" might not have involved sex itself, but it wasn't for lack of trying.

Since being married, I have no reason to believe my wife has ever strayed, nor have I. If she did, it would be the end of the marriage; I made that clear early in the relationship, and nothing has changed my mind.

I can't stand a cheater, and wouldn't stay with a person who cheated on me.

That being said, I DID have a girl pretty much leave me for another guy. So although nothing had "happened" before she left me for him, enough had to have happened for her to leave me after having been with me for more than 6 months.

In this case, I would not seek her out or take her back.

Wow thank you to everyone so far for sharing your stories with me, I appreciate your honesty and courage. I think I'm beginning to see what I can say to her ...

"Have you ever had your heart ripped out of your chest, while being punched repeatedly in the nuts and stomach?"

Read that line again, please.

Yeah. It's happened to me. Recently.

Without trying to pour salt on a wound, I would say that two mature people can recover from a break in trust like the one under discussion. However, if the people are mature enough to do that, then the transgression would not happened in the first place. Classic Catch 22.

Boo, this thread is becoming uber-sad

Hope your friend gets the advice she needs! :)

BigBen

I'm sorry to hear of your recent pain. That fucking sucks. . . and I think you have a point there.

I've suspected infidelity in past relationships, but nothing was ever proven.

I, personally, could never take back a cheater. Once that trust is gone, it's gone for good.

Was cheated on once and honestly, I was hurt. ,,,Until I got over myself. Then I immediately realized the cheaters loss. Sucks to be him.

I haven't had "the talk" yet with my friend ... but when I do I'll let anyone know who cares to know. (PM me I guess)

Thanks again, everyone.

Anyone who's been in more than a couple of relationships generally has their cheating story to tell.
When I was 18 I was dating a 16 year old who cheated on me twice with a guy 10 years her senior. Since it was my first proper relationship I was stupid and took her back twice, until one night when I got drunk and hooked up with 3 different girls in a club and rang her and told her I never wanted to speak to her again, and haven't since :)

I was in a relationship with a guy who was 15 when I was 14. He cheated on me for a 13 year old. Does that count? She told me about it, he wouldn't admit it.

I didn't know about it when I was still with the guy, but I'll tell you what, I hated the guy after that.

Yes, probably more times than I could even guess.

I've never been cheated on that I know of but I've had this discussion many times with friends. I think that if I was with a guy who had a 1 night stand and he admitted it to me right away, there is a chance (a slim one) that I might forgive it in time. If I found out any other way, there would be no chance.

If I was with someone who had an ongoing affair while we were together that is another story all together. That is a deliberate betrayal and as far as I am concerned, it is not forgivable.

Of course, I am single right now so this is all theoretical.