Wingless

Story time kids.

My girlfriend, *Raine* and I, have been going out nearly 3 years now. In fact, our 3 year anniversary is this coming Tuesday. We've been going out since she graduated high school in 2003. Ever since then, our relationship has evolved from a high school romance to a full-on serious relationship. She's very attractive, and has just become more and more attractive throughout the years. We started having sex about six months into our relationship, and despite the fact that she's away at school, we try to see each other at least every two weeks or so (and we have sex now about once every few months; depressing, but not a driving force behind our relationship.) If I had to judge, our personalities match about 75%, with similar interests in lots of silly and serious things. Having the same interests, viewpoints and all, we've never had an arguement, not even a small one.

Despite the "perfectness" of our relationship, I have cheated on her three times now. The first two girls I just kissed and made out with; I only told Raine of the first girl. I never told her of the second girl because of how much she was hurt the first time. Those two girls came in within the first year, or so, of our relationship. Afterwords, I more-or-less pledged to myself not to hurt her again.

Within the past few months, though, I've started to slowly grow "tired" and "bored" of our relationship. Raine and I don't do that much together. 90% of the time we go over each other's houses, lay down in bed together, and watch TV. In addition of feeling "bored" I also feel like our relationship has just kind of stagnated; we're not going anywhere. We've never really talked about our future together, if we'll ever get married or if we'll ever move in together, things like that. We're just sort of... together. All of this thinking has come to the top over the past week or so, reflecting back on our three year relationship...

But enters in Elena. We used to talk a little back when I was in high school; she's a senior in high school now (I'm a soph. in college) and we actually started talking again about a month or two ago. We've hung out a few times, and last weekend we kissed and made out. That weekend we went to a concert and wandered around downtown Detroit, two things that Raine and I have kind of been meaning to do for quite awhile.

One more thing about Raine - she's not exactly the most social person. I have alot of friends and I go to college parties on a regular basis. She's never come with me, though, and after awhile I stopped asking because it seemed like I was just dragging her along with me instead. The times she would go out with me and my friends, I felt like I couldn't have all the same fun that I usually have without her. She's in her junior year of college, yet she doesn't really have any friends there, although I really wish she did.

So with Elena stepping into my life, and my feeling bored with our relationship, I'm going to see her this weekend (the weekend before our 3 year anniversary) and probably break up with her. I'm just wondering if it's the right thing to do in this case. Should I break up with her, or should I just kind of smile and keep with it? I can't help but feel like a complete asshole for breaking up with her. I've talked to a few friends about this all, and they all tend to agree that "I should live for myself, not for someone else". But nevertheless, I feel like a selfish asshole. So after telling her that I've been with Elena for the past week or two, should I break up with her, or should I try to patch up our relationship?

Hell, what's the best way to break all this to her too? I've talked to Raine over the phone only a few times during the past few weeks, vaguely eluding to the fact that I've been seeing Elena alot recently, so overall I think she's nearly oblivious to this too.

Thank you everybody.
Tommy P.

P.S. Constructive comments and help please - I don't want someone bashing me for my actions. Be happy that I'm actually telling her that I'm cheating on her, instead of continuing on with her oblivious to it all.

__________________
Tommy
Nibs is a funny word.
So here I am, above palm trees, so straight and tall...
You are, smaller getting smaller, but I still see... you.
Jimmy Eat World - Goodbye Sky Harbor

analog

If you think you'd be an asshole for breaking up with her... but NOT an asshole for suggesting you just go ahead and start cheating on her... i'm not sure what to tell you.

If you want out, and are wandering, do both of you a favor and break it off. Cheating instead of leaving is a horrible idea. Just go end it and start something new.

mandy

i think you should wait a while. you've been together fro three years...that's three years that you have got to know a whole lot about this person, their ins and outs, their ups and downs their lefts and rights, get what im saying?...and you've stayed with her for three years, so there must've been something there to beging with, otherwise why have you stayed in the relationship for so long?

give it time. all relationships have there bad patches, the key is not to give up on it.you've got to work on it, both of you.give a little, take a little.

the only reason why this elana chick seems so interesting now is because she's new and fresh...and there's something in her that you dont see in Raine...BUT...have you ever thought about talking to raine and telling her how you feel?

maybe she feels the same. maybe she's the one dating some other guy away at college and doesnt know how to tell you. maybe she's the one thinking about breaking it off with you this week end?

you never know until you talk about things. at lease tell her that you're feeling this way about the realtionship. tell her what you want and make her tell you what she wants.

i can guarantee you that after you guys talk you'll know what decision to make.

three years is a long time on the contrary to what other people might say.you share so much with eachother, you've been intimate with eachother, like i said before, you know eachother's ups and down's.

it's alot to be throwing away over a girl you knew in high school.

just give it a shot...you never know what the cards may have in store for both of you...

fat-tony

I agree and disagree.

I agree that you probably shouldn't just jump to a conclusion. 3 years is a pretty long time to be together with someone, especially at your age. There is a lot on the line here, and throwing that all away over a girl who is still in high school might not be the best idea.

Now, the flip side of that coin. People grow IMMENSELY in those first few years after high school. And there's a good chance that instead of growing together, that you've both grown on your own. I'm not saying that you should just walk away; rather, you should really think about where you see your OWN life going, and then see if your high school girlfriend fits into that.

From my own experience, I started a relationship with a girl within a few months of starting university. We were together for almost 2 years and, even in that time span, found that we had both grown a lot, and that we didn't fit into each others' lives very well any more. (Actually, she was the one who realized that and acted upon it; now, on hindsight, I can see it too, but it was really hard when it happenend). The fact that she saw that is great, if instead of acting on it she had just strung me along, we would have both ended up hurting a lot more when things finally crashed down.

I think that's the biggest thing to realize. If you keep feeling like this, then it's in everyone's best interest to walk away from the situation. It'll hurt, but in the end you'll both be better off for it.

Ustwo

It doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship anyways.

Plus I don't get the seeing each other every two weeks but only have sex every few months.

I met my wife at about the same time age wise as you met your GF and when we were appart we would get together about once every 2 weeks and I can't think of once that we didn't have a hell of a lot of sex as part of that get together.

She doesn't sound like the one for you, but you are young and this is still a training stage, its time to move on.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Aurakles

It sounds, to me, that your relationship right now is one of convenience. If you see each other every two weeks, have sex every few months, lie around and watch T.V., then you are simply with each other when and where it's convenient for you; plus, as you mentioned, you're bored. It sounds too mechanical to last; plus, you are or have cheated on her. I don't see how staying with her helps her. You're likely to continue cheating and I can clearly see a scenario where she might also.

__________________
Our truest life is when we are in our dreams awake.

ngdawg

You are delaying the inevitable. Perhaps she needs an out as well. As a metaphor-the bandaid.....when you pull it slowly, it might hurt a little less but the hurt lasts longer. On the other hand, yank it fast and the pain is only a bit more but gone in an instant. You're pulling slowly thinking it's better. It's not-you're keeping Raine from experiencing new things while you contemplate just that. Is that fair to either one of you?

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

TotalMILF

Just tell her like it is. Say "I'm bored with our relationship, and I've been cheating on you." Yeah, she'll be hurt, and she'll probably hate you (and rightfully so!), but it's better than leading her on and wasting her time. Breaking up isn't easy, for sure. Just be truthful. Good luck!

FallenAvatar

I can't tell you how to end your relationship that you're already trying to make fail. I consider myself a rather moral person and personally I would have ended it the first time I kissed the other woman. I find it as a completely bad choice of character on your part and think you should end it as soon as possible. Don't hurt her anymore. That's one of the worst things you can do to someone is betraying their trust so whether you tell her the reason or not get out of the relationship; you're just going to hurt her.

__________________
Fetch me the spirit, the son and the father,
Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended.

lurkette

RUN!!!

You are doing this girl no favors by staying with her out of inertia. You are young, you're both changing and growing, and you see each other every two weeks! Sounds like you've just grown apart, and it would be worth at least 'taking a break' to see other people and find out if you really are with each other because you love each other, or just because that's the way things have been. If it turns out you can't live without each other, then some time apart (officially, not just physically) will make that clear. If not, you learned a valuable lesson before you made any kind of real, serious commitment.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

savvypup

Call me a cynic, but I'm amazed at people who seriously think about settling down with the first real person they date. Is she your first serious girlfriend? It's just so many of my friends who hooked up with their first serious partner ..... well let's just say their footloose and fancy free now. I really believe you need time to grow by yourself and I think it's really important to experience other people. Don't get me wrong. I don't think you should go shag anything that crosses your path, I just know for myself, each person I've ever been with intimately (and I'm not just meaning sexually) has made a huge impact on the person I've become.

Tommy, people grow and change and sometimes grow apart - especially at your age. I don't think you'd be doing yourself or 'Raine' any favours by continuing on. And to be honest, people don't stray, unless something's wrong or unfulfilled with their current situation. You said it yourself, the concert, just going out. It's the simple things that are really important - the sex is second to that. If you can't enjoy the simple things with someone, it's time to part ways. On the flip side though, if you can see a future (which you said you can't) then perhaps it's just a rut, which needs working through.

Either way, it's not a nice situation to be in and I really feel for you. Good on you for wanting to upfront with her in the sense that you want to tell her how you feel and what you've done. I don't think you can be too hard on yourself if that's the way. Everyone you date and or marry, no matter the time together - doesn't mean their the one for you in the long run. Good Luck!

__________________

ciao bella!

Wingless

Thank you everybody. Your comments and advice have really helped clear my mind over the past week and a half.

Raine and I are currently "on a break", although sadly I don't see us (at least in the immediate future) getting back together. She thinks that we will get back together, but I don't think that will happen any time soon. Really I think this "break" we're on right now is just a kind of phase from our relationship into just a friendship.

And I hope that we'll still have that friendship. When we agreed last week that we should go on a break, she decided that we shouldn't talk in the meantime, especially if I'm going to be seeing other people. That saddens me, but if 'ignorance' makes her feel any better I guess I should let it be. I just don't want to lose her.

__________________
Tommy
Nibs is a funny word.
So here I am, above palm trees, so straight and tall...
You are, smaller getting smaller, but I still see... you.
Jimmy Eat World - Goodbye Sky Harbor

Cynthetiq

WTF????

You want to eat your cake and eat it too???

Would you like someone to string you along? Would you like someone to hold your hopes up while they go tomcatting?

If you don't want to lose her then DON'T DO THINGS TO LOSE HER.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.