Girls more attracted to guys who have girlfriends
 

My girlfriend and I have been going out for about a year and two months, and over the course of university(in 3rd year now), i've noticed a trend. Perhaps it's because i'm also "taken" now as well.

I've become friends with a few girls since I joined this particular club at school, and at one point it came out that I had a girlfriend, talk ensued, etc. This one girl and I have been having decent conversations and we've grown to be friends who talk about a lot of things when we're together. And just today I was waiting with her and another friend cause they were waiting to be picked up at school. She gave me a big hug before she left!

It may be nothing, it may just be a hug as friends. But i've seen this happen a lot, in which girls are very flirty and friendly with guys who have girlfriends and not so much with other guys. I don't think it has so much to do with a "want what they can't have" attitude, but more of the idea that since the guy is taken, nothing can happen between them, so might as well have some fun. I'm just wondering if anyone else has observed this in recent times. Back when I didn't have a girl or anything I got no attention...weird how things always seem to be at one extreme or the other when it comes to girls!

No woman wants a man another woman doesn't want.

No, that's exactly what it is.

I disagree. Well...maybe in some cases. I mean, your always going to have the few that make a sport of trying to "take" guys from other girls, but overall...I don't think that's the case.
I think it's more a situation where a girl can now feel free to be a little "friendlier", open up a little more, without fear of the guy thinking that "Ooooh...she just gave me a hug...I'm gettin' laid tonight". The pressure is off.

There you have it.

I've personally noticed a higher level of physical intimacy (hugging, snuggling) with my guy friends who have girlfriends because they are "safe".

Bill is very wise

and as someone who occassionally tries (unsuccessfully) to get a little flirtatious sometimes... it's more fun to flirt with the guys who are 'taken'... they get an ego boost, and well nothing will come of it... They are going home to the wife, the girlfriend, whatever... It's harmless...

Sometimes a hug is just a hug... :)

I think it's a combination of the mentioned factors.

People--not just women--want what they can't have. It's in our nature. Doesn't mean we're all boyfriend-stealing hussies (ahem), but the unattainable has a tendency to be built up into something very, very attractive.

Add to that the presumed "safety" of the taken guy, and that attraction can get expressed in fun, flirty ways that are enjoyable for everyone involved. Well... maybe not so much for the girlfriend.

And one more to add to the above: Because you do have someone, your confidence is higher, your 'air' or vibes come off better, so you're that much more attractive.

Have I mentioned lately that I'm married? ;)

I agree with the girls feeling safe idea... I also think that guys think that girls are more attracted to them because they, the males are taken. The whole idea of forbidden fruit. The guy thinks the girls are hitting on him, because he is taken and that whole idea of somebody wanting him and seducing him is a turn on.

That's a hard paragraph to read. I know what I mean.

/me hugs fresnelly...

:lol:

I have to agree with the "safety" idea. I tend to be a bit flirty anyway, but I feel MUCH more comfortable with those who are already taken, because it is harmless, or those who are friends/know my husband, because they know I'M taken and so it's usually harmless as well.

And Daoust, I gotcha - men may be slower to realize that women are just feeling safe with them, and think it's a "she wants me cause she can't have me" thing - so their egos are boosted. To be honest, unless a single guy is friendly with Quadro, I am suspicious if they are too flirty with me in the beginning...

Fresnelly - here's a friendly, non-wife-threatening smooch on the cheek from me! :*

How YOU doin'?

:D

How YOU doing?

Speaking as a guy who isn't taken, i'd have to say that that's not necessarily true. I get hugged by lots of my female friends. I guess it helps that i'm just a great guy :D

Or they think it's ok because they think i'm gay or taken when i'm neither.

For me, it's 100% because they feel safe to me. I've had more than one close friendship with a guy suffer because he and his SO broke up. It stopped feeling safe to do all the things I used to do as part of our friendship because many of them could be interpreted as flirting when dealing with a single guy. I have a couple of friends with whom this is a regular cycle. We hang out lots when they are with other people, but once they're on the hunt, we steer clear of each other for a while. Or maybe I steer clear of them more than they steer clear of me. It takes a lot out of the friendship when you have to wonder if everybody still agrees on what a hug means.

I think it's just that when a man is single, women giving them a hug is going to be misinterpreted as the woman being interested. However, for some women, when a man is known to be taken then some women feel like they can be themselves around the male without fear of misinterpretation that they are actually interested (or so they think as has become apparent by some in this thread). But also, of course, you must take into account the personality of the unattached woman. Sometimes she is the kind of person who likes to see if she can "get" the guy.

Agreed! Just like the way girls are more touchy-feely with their gay man friends. I know this from movies.

Question: Does this translate to attractiveness as well? Like if you're a girl, are you more apprehensive about being open and friendly to guys you find attractive versus those you don't?

Increase in confidence, being more "safe", and the fact that women want what other women have. All have been addressed, so I'll wander off now. :)

I think it's because a taken man is demonstrating admirable attributes. He's got a girlfriend, most likely treating her in a way that the single girl would want to be treated.

To reverse the situation, I'm hit on less now that I'm in a relationship than I was before. All I get is "streak is one lucky guy"

Regardless of reasoning I think people should think twice before they decide to flirt with an attached man or woman. In my opinion it's disrespectful and rude.

So... I don't get it ladies. You say you can be 'yourself' and 100% be friends with men who are taken. You don't feel as 'safe' with single men.

Then how the heck are single men supposed to just be friends with women? It seems almost as if women arent interested in being friends with single men, cuz you can't 'let loose' and talk about 'anything'...

I dunno, I've had the opposite happen to me recenty. It comes out that I don't have a girlfriend, and suddenly I'm the center of attention (they became more flirtatious.)

It's the perception that if a guy is single, then he's on the prowl for the next available piece of tail... Ergo you have to be on the defensive to stop that... Guys who are 'taken'... (well some are.. but most aren't prowling... and are safer candidates..

I'm in agreement with Lead543. Some women (and men) really should think twice before flirting with the attached person of the opposite sex. Some guys or gals who might never have thought of cheating or breaking up with their SO might do so when they are being hit on. But then, I guess you could also say that that person probably wasn't in it for the long haul anyway and it's better to find out sooner than later.

I also notice that some men who I'm pretty sure are attracted to me find out I have a boyfriend, they immediately back off. To the point where they are even afraid to talk to me again. Weird.

Umm, it's because I don't want the girl to think I'm hitting on her. You see, I'm inexperienced so when I am talking to a girl in an attractive way its usually flirty. If I stop being flirty to a girl I usually just come across as dead-boring. So... the problem is I want to be friends with her but I'm used to being flirty with girls but I don't want her to think I'm trying to take her away from her BF. So I just back off totally.

The problem with that is when that happens, I think "Oh, so he just wanted to get into my pants after all and had absolutely no interest in anything I said." Oh well. Catch 22 I guess. I see where you are coming from. However, I usually have a pretty good idea when someone is interested in me and I usually preempt the whole situation by avoiding them. I also do the same when I find someone attractive and am in a relationship. I'd rather not be tempted.

I see. That's interesting, it makes sense kind of. I don't think ANY girl likes to be friends with a 'boring'-esque guy right? That's kind of why I have changed to be a little more flirty, joke around, you know, treat her like one of the guys (bust and tease her more).

So then the question is, can a guy and girl who both find each other attractive but are not interested in each other (yet) truly be 'just friends'?

Or does one or the other inevitably like the other in a way that their friendship is at risk?

Who's to judge if one or the other began the friendship simply out of a subconcious intention to 'get in the other's pants'?

I guess this question and problem has been around forever, haha.

Out of curiosity, how do you tell when a guy is interested in you in that way? Some guys flirt just cuz its their nature...

I'm a bit of a geek so I can't speak for the majority of women on what is boring. I'm sure that some of my interests such as science fiction, fantasy and politics would bore a lot of women to tears. I think treating the opposite sex like you would treat members of your own sex is a pretty good idea. At least then they feel like they're being treated like equals.

I do think a guy and girl who find each other attractive can be friends. But maybe not great friends with a huge emotional attachment. I think it's just too similar to what you have with your SO and can lead to jealousy and doubt. (This depends on the people of course but I am speaking in generalities.) Most people become complacent with people they are used to having around. You start talking about sexual topics, give each other little touches here and there. Then one day things are a little rocky in your relationship and you start telling the friend all about your problems giving them ammo against your SO and giving them perhaps the idea of a green light. Pretty soon, the friend knows all about your history with your SO and doesn't hesitate to remind you of certain incidents. But of course, they only know one side. Then again, maybe I am completely off, but unfortunately I am speaking from experience. Yeah, I'm still embittered.

As far as how i can tell when a guy is interested, it's not usually that difficult but of course there's margin for error. It's not usually one sign but a combination of them. There's the flirting, which of course some guys love to do. But if I see them flirting that way with other women then I usually rule that out. There's also the gaze that makes you whip your head around because you can feel their stare. Then there's the blushing when they talk to you and they don't blush around other women. Also, defending of my opinions/actions to themselves and others. Oh, and also laughing at jokes that even I know are a bit lame even when I utter them.

Possibly one way to tell whether you're just someone fun to hang with, or a challenging pet project, is to pay attention to whether or not they keep asking you questions about your wife/girlfriend. If they often ask questions (as in are curious about her or you and her), then there's probably something they're after that's more than just hugs and laughs.

This is a perfect example of the "buddy-system" trust relationship that we see every day. If you go to a mechanic that you think looks good, but no one has ever been there before, you're taking a big risk.
However, if you go to a mechanic that you know someone has been to and has been at least satisfied with, then you corroborate your assumption that it's a good decision and are more likely to go there.

It's about what you think vs what you think the world thinks:

There's really only a few assumptions you can safely make about a single guy:

He's male.
He's attractive to ME.

As you can see, there's very few assumptions you can make with a high probability of being true. A man in a relationship, however, has many more.

He's in a relationship, so that means someone else thought he was one or more of the following:

Nice
Hot
Rich
Caring
Good in bed
Loving
Kind
Funny

While it may could be one or it could be all, being in a relationship means that he's been given the "used mechanic" stamp, and you corroborate your personal opinion with the world opinion.

So, "Nice Guys," maybe your strategy should be to pretend you're in a relationship until she gets interested, and then whip out the "I'm not in a relationship" card. BLAMO, it's like the 1-2-3 punch in the game of probability that relationships are.

And to the guys actually IN relationships, be happy that you get the best of both worlds; an awesome girlfriend, and people thinking you're better in some way than you probably are!

That's my take on it, anyway..

me and my mates started noticing this years ago...

we just subscribe to the "want what u can't have" theory

Well before posting anything here, I sent this question around to all the single girls I know. After 9 of the 10 came back saying it is the challenge... You can take it for what it is worth.

You are exactly right...I was dating a young lady about a month and a half ago, and I had a couple others interested in me...Though I didn't date around, and stuck with the one...

Now, that young lady has decided the better of dating me, and I'm sittin here at home by myself...And it looks like its gonna be that way for awhile...

-Will

Instead of blaming the female for wanting what someone else has... ever consider that while you're with this girl - your confidence level goes up a bit...

As a female, i'll tell ya nothing sexier than a man who's got confidence... (not arrogance - but confidence) ... you've got this fine young filly on your arm, and you are walking a little taller, chest out a little more... you think you're the shit - well other people notice this as well...

Upon second look at this thread I'm reminded of the Chris Rock bit. He says that men look at a good relationship and think, "I need to get me a woman like that." Women look at a good relationship and think, "I need to get him."

Or something like that. I refuse to get out the DVD to confirm the actual statement. :)

I pretty much agree with all of the other ideas here. But, also think that when you have a girlfriend, a guy does activities together as a couple and meets more people and becomes more interesting. Where a single guy would look out of place and look desperate or not allowed to go.

Now, how do you find a girlfriend or even girls that will be friends with you if you are a single guy?

Easy. Go up to a girl and start a non perverted non sexual neutral yet funny conversation and you should be good to go.

A lot of girls will still think the only reason you are talking to her is to get in her pants.

Or is that just my negative thinking pattern at work? I probably am way too worried about what other people are thinking.

I think you are overanalyzing everything, but I do that all the time. I just make a fool of myself and all goes well.

Just get people talking about a subject, like their favorite movie, book, or tv show.

Maybe if women stopped going after taken men that would help towards reducing the incidence of infidelity in marriage and relationships.

Women need to understand that just because a guy is single doesn't mean there's something wrong with him, and they need to understand that if a man is already in a relaitonship that he's off-limits.

It's also the reason that the female wingman strategy has been so popular. ;) Not that I've had much success with that mind you...but I'm told it's been known to open a few doors that would otherwise have remained Fort Knox closed.

I can't help but wonder if you are Anny [woman], Anny, [male homosexual], or (husband of) Anny because you just prefaced some advice to a single male with the word "easy" that, remembering back to my single times, would be anything but :D

Safer candidates for what exactly?

In my experience women indeed let their guard down more when dealing with a guy in a relationship, but that's not really the issue here. Its that women notice and flirt more with more when said men are in relationship. If you flirt with a guy who you know is in a relationship, what exactly are your intentions? If you are flirting with a guy just because he's "safe" and you want to entertain yourself (since its not going anywhere), you're being selfish at the very least. Or is the issue here that YOU get an ego boost when you get attention from a guy in a committed realtionship?


I have to say that even just walking around in the Mall with my GF I get a lot more attention and approving looks from girls just passing by than I ever did before or when I'm in the Mall by myself. Yes it is an ego boost, but it also pisses me off, because I remember how difficult it was to get that sort of attention when I was single, and I'm generally less concerned with my appearance now than when I was single. I also get a lot more pointless conversation and flirting from women when we go out. Women need to realise that women are the primary reason men cheat, so you need to act responsibly. Go flirt with the single guys. Most of them would appreciate the odd ego boost.

The flipside of this is that at work, when I'm on a project with a women and I see that she is very guarded, I casually mention a few things about my girlfriend and our relationship, which normally eases the tension and makes the working environment easier. It also conveniently avoids potential for flirting.

It's all about people wanting what they can't have. I've always noticed this, but what really drove the point home was when I came out of the closet.

When I was the "straight" guy who mysteriously never had any girlfriends, it was rather rare for a girl to be interested in me.

Since I came out a few months ago, they've been all over me. The most notable incidents were a married girl who wanted to have a fling with me, and another girl who actually wanted to *marry* me.

People are so weird.

It's pretty simple.

The majority of the time it's usually one of a few cases (but not limited to just these):

1. Number one, and most likely, is that she is just being friendly. Most girls won't be that friendly (as in touching hugging) when you are single if they just want to be friends. Girls know that hugging/touching/over friendly single guys can ruin the plutonic relationship because the single guy usually can't help but start feeling sexually attracted when the girl hugs/touches. When you're taken, they can be friendly without fear of starting something. Single girls often feel more comfortable around guys in relationship because they don't have to be "on guard" all the time.

2. The girl likes you because she see's how you treat your girl and wants that.

3. She's the jealous type and likes you more because you're already taken.

Either way, it can be hard to tell. But as long as you treat her like a friend, she'll either respect your relationship, or make her intentions known in some way, which may be completely subtle to you.

But my guess still on #1. She is an outgoing touchy feely girl and likes you as a friend and doesn't have to worry about sending the wrong signals when you are already taken.

That's bonkers. People ARE so weird.

Chris Rock said it best...

A guy will bring his girlfriend around to meet his friend, and when they leave, the friend will say to himself "She was nice, I need a girl like that." A woman will bring her boyfriend around to meet her friend, and when they leave, the friend will say "He was nice, I need that man."

Haha, that's such a great quote from Chris Rock. I've noticed that if I have a girl, I'm generally more confident and more myself, since I'm not trying to attract a girl. I've noticed this with a lot of guys. It seems like when one is on the hunt, some guys (myself included) give off this vibe, maybe a lack of confidence vibe, maybe the way we hold ourselves.

Or because they think you should only ever be friends. Or they are all taken. Or they all want in your pants. In that case, what are you waiting for? :thumbsup:

Because straight guys who become friends with girls tend to veer towards wanting relationships, it's only natural. And this is what the girls have experienced in the past. You hang out with someone because you like the qualities they have. If they're of the opposite sex, you start to relate these qualities with ones you would like to have in a lover. I'd say that most girls only want to become friends with single guys if they're interested in them. Or they're already friends with you because you are longstanding childhood friends. It's just much less of a hassle for them to not be on guard all the time with people that they could never see having a relationship with. Of course, this does lead to the fact that they are not open minded, or not willing to put any effort into starting relationships, or they let a guy's "confidence" hide his undesirable traits. This is a very bad situation...maybe if more girls took a proactive approach in this respect we'd see a lot less of them being emotionally shattered by jerks.

THAT, is the best solution to this whole problem. I think we as men should start being more laid back and cool, doing what we want and being ourselves (remembering that balance is a key part of life!), but remembering that it's always fun to try new things. This seems to be the only way we can start relationships out on the right foot. Eventually the balance would shift and the girls would be the ones on the prowl, since every 5 seconds they weren't being hit on. When's the last time you saw a confident girl, start pursuing a reserved quiet guy because he's cute and mysterious? We are all products of our environment.

Of course, perhaps the solution is for us all to just act ourselves all the time. But this cannot work because not everyone will give in, there will always be those trying to manipulate the situation. All's fair in love and war I suppose.

I must be the exception because taken men put me off. They are taken so I just can't look at them as having boyfriend potential. I wish there was some way you could tell which guys are taken and which aren't, it would make life a lot easier.

Well, obviously, as you said the taken ones put you off. So that's how you know they're taken.

It comes down to something pretty simple whether you're the girl or the guy:

We can smell the desperation.

And when you're taken, you're no longer looking/on the prowl and the tension is removed from the relationship for the most part.
BTW - not all women think of taken men as a buffet - but the stereotype exists for a reason.

That rings very true, IMHO. And it doesn't matter if you're taken or not. I met my SO within a month of moving back to the east coast, when I was busy settling in and totally not looking for a relationship. She met me when she was moving down the coast, was busy setting in, and totally not looking for a relationship.

I know it always sounds trite, but you have to be in a state of not looking in order to find somebody beyond a fling.

Very Swingers-esque (the movie). Yet true.

I think it's the case of "Pre Approved Credit". If you are good enough for Visa -then you must be good enough for American Express.

Women can also get into territorial disputes over men. I've seen this... it's not pretty.

Haha very funny :p

The taken ones put me off, when I know they are taken, and not before. How do I usually know, without ESP? They're with a girl at that moment who presents herself as their girlfriend, they tell me they are, they have a ring that indicates they are married. But what I meant was, how do I know, just by looking at them? Right now I don't.

I can't tell. If you put one guy in front of me who is taken and another who is not, then I don't think I can tell just from their face. Can you?

JustJess, what do you mean about smelling the desperation? I don't see why all single men have to "smell" desperate. And why should they be desperate anyway? I don't like to hear that word associated with being single at all.

I'm single and while I'd love to meet someone new, I'm quite happy on my own. Also, I don't think I will ever feel desperate about being single, because in my mind, I only want to be with someone if it feels right, and if it doesn't happen, I guess I'm better off that way than with someone just so I won't be "alone".

I just mean that (whether it's man or woman) when you're looking, you're looking, and you give off a vibe of hey I'm looking. And plenty of the time, the other person senses that and is turned off.

Of course, just as often, that can lead to something amusing as well... for both parties. :D

I would never imply that there's anything wrong with being single and enjoying that life, and I'm sorry if I did! Hell, I maybe sometimes might be a little envious! (just kidding, quadro, i love you heehee everything's fine HAPPY FAMILY!!)

This is a self-perpetuating situation. No woman will take the risk of being 'too' open with a guy, because experience has taught her that he WILL misinterpret her intentions, and end up acting like a total horn-dog. This is not 100% accurate, as there are some of us out there that have self-control, and can seperate love from sex, butr it is true enough for most women.

Most guys don't even bother telling a woman that 'i just wanna be friends' for 3 reasons:
1) ALL guys try to come off as the friends-first guy, even if they are a total horn-dog. And who wants to be that guy. I mean really.
2) Some women will see that kind of declaration as a tacit rejection of thier sexuality/identity.
3) It makes subsequent sexual attraction very akward.

Also, this dynamic becomes less relevant as you get older. the 18-25 set is VERY sensitive to the whole single-and-looking Vs TAKEN spectrum, but age gives men a certain amount of self control, (Hormones are on the decline) and as a result, women expect thier behavior to be...less desperate, for lack of a better way to articulate it. As a result, they are more open....but not until all parties concerned are out of the raging 20's!

Kind of off the topic, I find it disrepectful to my partner to be too touchy-feely with my male friends and I would hope my partner keeps those boundaries as well. Hugs are o.k any further flirtation is not.