Years Later - Updated Help
 

Something has transpired (See below) and I was made the legal guardian of 2 little girls. A 2 year old and a 4 year old neither of them are mine. Um what do I do now?

My ex-fiance had 2 kids. And sence we where going to be wed she had papers drawn up that if something happend I would get the kids. A week before the wedding I walked in on her and some guy. keep in mind I had taken her back once already for cheating. This time I was not about to take her back and kicked her out of my house and kept the girls till she found a place. A month after she took the kids to her apartment She had a breakdown.

Here is the problem I was there when the 2 year old was born and helped take raise the 4 year old, I love both of them as if they where my own. The mother lost the kids in the CPS battle. CPS contacted me and asked me if I would take them. Now here where the choices. Have them go into the system and be split up in fauster care and be adopted, or just take them myself. And they needed an answer right then and there they had a family ready to adopt the 2 year old.

I decided to take them (yeah like i would let them go into the system and be split up), how ever I have no clue what i am really doing. It was a diffrent story when I was going to have someone to tag team with. I could have the kids for 3 months or the rest of my life, that all depends on the ex.

Now that I have had time to reflect on my answer to CPS, I am starting to freak out. I mean CPS is dropping the girls off sometime tomarrow. Its not the meterial things. I have a Stable job, a house, money is not a problem.
Its more of a question of am:
I ready for something like this?
If i am how do i know?
If I am not, is there a way to back out of this?
If i do Back out will i ever forgive myself?

Is this normal for me to be freaking out, like this?

I could use some advice, input, or anything that anyone is willing to share with me.

Should I take the mother back again?

1. Wow. Just wow.
2. Of course it's normal to freak out. This is heavy shit.
3. You will never know if you're ready. You just keep doing it and suddenly things tend to be okay.
4. You did the right thing - it's not the kids' fault the mom is um, not useful. Much better for them to be with you - you care for them, they know you, etc.
5. Try to get them settled in as much as possible - give a sense of stability and normalcy if you can.
6. DO NOT GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HER UNLESS IT IS A HEALTHY HAPPY THING FOR YOU TO DO.
7. Worry about forever when you get a better sense of whether or not she's ever going to have her shit together. At that point, you'll be more likely to know if this is something you can do, want to do, etc.

Here is a little secret that most parents know -- They have no clue what they are doing and make it up as they go along. Seriously.

For the first few months after my son was born I kept waiting for his parents to show up to take him home. Funny thing is, you can always manage.

Freaking out is normal. Don't take the mother back unless you truly love her and want her. That decision should have little to do with the kids.

As money and housing isn't a problem the only real (potential) problem is you. Are you ready for this? From the sounds of it, you probably are... do you have family (siblings, parents, etc) who can be babysitters in a pinch? Can you afford a Nanny?

I say more power to you. Go for it.

You said the magic words there... that's all that matters.

Should you take the mom back? Only you can decide that.. Sounds like the girls and you are going to have enough upheaval in their life right now... Do you want the added stressor of a woman who's proven more than once she can't be trusted?

I ready for something like this?
Only you know for sure.. Knowing you love them is a big step, I'm not sure any parent is ever truly ready for parenthood. They have nine months to try and prepare... you've got a day or so... It's kinda like getting into a cold pool - you just jump right in and I'm sure it will be fine.

If i am how do i know?
You do the best that you can for yourself and for the girls... that's all you cando

If I am not, is there a way to back out of this?
You can always call CPS again, and tell them that it's more of a responsibility than you can handle right now.. No one would think any less of you, and I'd hope that the girls went to good homes that would love them.

If i do Back out will i ever forgive myself?
You just say you did the best you could and you wanted to do better for the girls.. it's nothing for you to forgive yourself for.

Take a deep breath... and decide if this is what you really want - it's a helluva undertaking... one I'm sure you will do fine with.. kids are resiliant and they're relatively low maintenance...

One thing to consider-- do you have child care available for the girls while you are working - maybe that type of help would give you the confidence that you need to be a full time dad... just having someone there as a safety net.

Freak out all you need too. These little girls need your stability and they just want you to be there and be someone familiar for them. I think what you are doing is so fantastic, and the problem with the mother should be dealt with by CPS, after all they did take the kids aaway from her for a reason. The thing I would do is if the mother has visitation ask for a supervisor so she cant really guilt trip yuo about the kids and get you to agree to something you are not really comfy with(like taking her back 'for the kids sake')

Smile, you have one of the greatest opportunities a person can have. You have the opportunity to raise 2 wonderful people who will benifit society.
Sounds as if they'll be a heck of a lot better off with you than her. Shame on her for cheating.
Please take them if you possibly can. CPS is a frightening system with terrible problems, despite good intentions.
Good choice. No parent has a clue right off the bat. I spent almost 8 years of my life trying to train myslef to be a father, and I still have no idea what I'm doing. The first thing you should do is make sure you have thre best intentions. Intend to raise them right. Intend to make sure they grow up smart and savy in the ways of the world. Make sure they are moral and ethical. If you're religious, you might consider raising them religious, aswell. Do the best you can.
You can do this. Breath slowly.
I think you're as ready as anyone ever is. It is 110% normal to freak out a bit over this. Most people have 9 months or more to come to terms. I don't suggest backing out unless a better situation comes up for the kids (which seems unlikely as of right now). You can do this. :thumbsup:

Thank you, all for the words of encuragement. I am going to do this.

I think I might hire a nanny for a little bit, depending on the price. At least for a little wile.

My parents are about 5 miles away, if I need them I am sure they will help. But something tells me I am going to be comming here asking for help or opinnions alot in the comming days...months... years. LOL

I fear as sence the ex was placed in a mental instatution to get help that I have the girls for a bit. And the visitation will be supervised once she gets out that was already put in by the judge. Then if she can prove to CPS that she can handle things she will get them back. But she has 22 months to get her act together. If she can't then they will go up for adoption (at witch time I will adopt them).

That is what this place is for :)


Just remember nobody is perfect - but I have a feeling if the kids feel the same way about you as you've said you feel about them, all the rest of the little details will work themselves out. The best thing you can give these kids is your time, attention, and love.

I have a bunch of stuff already from when they lived here before. But I know i am missing things. What are some things i am going to need. There old room is still set up, sort of. there are no toys or clothes. There beds and dressers are still there. Is there anything other then toys clothes and food i need to get this week.

How can i raise two kids. I still feel like a kid myself sometimes.

Is the younger potty trained yet? If not, then Diapers and their accessories (wipes, powder, solid changing space) should be on the shopping list.

It's a great thing you're doing. Just remember that you'll mess up occasionally. So do all other parents.

What Charlatan said is right on. You won't have a clue what you're doing at first, and then after awhile, you won't be able to picture your life without them.

The nanny is a good idea. Young kids have a way of interfering with work. Also, remember, no matter what a scumbucket their mother is, they will still love her. Be a class act and never say anything bad about her to the kids.

wow...you deserve a pat on the back. It sounds like you are a great guy and these kids
are very lucky to have someone like you to take care of them in this fragile time in their lives. I'll echo what others have said in that you kinda learn as you go. My son is 13 months and I'm still learning everyday. You have the want and the love to care for these kids and that is all you really need...the rest will fall in place as you go along. Your parents have been through this before...if I were you, i wouldn't hesitate to ask for help...I'm sure they'll understand :) Good luck and I hope everything works out for you and the kids.

Patience... especially with yourself.. Kids don't need a whole lot.... the silliest things will entertain them... and all they really need and want is time with somoene who loves and wants them.

Have faith in yourself... you can do this.

This is key. NEVER say bad things about her. Let them be the ones to decide how to feel about their Mother. As a child of divorced parents I can attest that this could bite you in the ass.


Again, don't worry too much (just worry a little, it's good to keep on your toes). You will do fine.

You're a good man chriswin8. I have no idea who you are, but I have the utmost respect for you for what you are doing.

You may be feeling overwhelmed now, but just take it one day at a time and you'll be fine. And so will they.

Only if you want another fight for the kids after her next screw up.

I admire you for selflessly putting yourself out to care for these little ones. Your decision will have a world of difference for these children for the rest of their lives. I believe they will be so much better off for your sacrifice.

As other's said here - us parents don't have it together about 99% of the time. We learn as we go and I think the children teach us as much as we sometimes teach them.

In regards to allowing the mother to come back. Trust your instincts, if you are uncomfortable in the least with it then don't do it. She's used up her second chances and now needs to seriously prove herself as a changed, responsible, unselfish person.

Take care and we'll be glad to what advice, commiseration as we can.

Do you have toothbrushes for them, other sundries. Is the 4 yr old able to sleep through the night? You might get some pullups or drynites (something like that) for the 4 yr old if necessary. Do you have a change of sheets for their beds? sippy cups? cabinet locks, outlet plugs, all those safety measures. Granted the youngest may be 2 but their curiosity can still overpower the things they've been told. Oh and a good kids video or two for those times when you just HAVE to have a break.

As for food - almost every kid I've watched has liked string cheese, chicken nuggets, and fruit snacks. Those are nice to have around for those times when you are too tired to fix dinner or a snack.

I have chills reading about your love for these girls. You are embarking on a wonderful journey called parenting. They will surely benefit from being with you, someone who loves them that much. There will always be ups and downs, and it is a "learn-as-you-go" process. Just remember to do what you feel is right for you and the girls. Congratulations and good luck. I look forward to hearing more about your journey with them. :icare:

Well I took the week off from work.

The social worker will be here about 4pm to drop off the kids.

My mother and i went shopping for "Things I would need." I bought a Hill worth of outfits. I bought a changing table, and a month worth of dipers for the both of them. I went and picked up a crap load of toys. I got the kiddie foods my mother recomended. A car seat, and booster seat (They dont fit in my camaro). A stroller, plus things i am sure i am forgetting. I spent $1800 today. And I feel like I forgot something. I never even thought about anti-kid devices. I guess there is more shopping to be done.

I contacted an agency about a live in nanny and they are sending over 4 candadets tomarrow. I have a question. How do I know what one is the one. Oh and what questions do I ask?

Should I think about getting a Van and puting my camaro in storage, or selling it.

Breath in... Breath out... repeat as needed.

What questions to ask the nanny? Basic one: Why do they want to do the job? Unless it's because they love children.. send them packing.. Trust your instincts... Have your mom sit in with you if it makes you more comfortable - some moms tend to have instincts about people. She'll know.

Well unless your camaro has a back seat - kids won't be allowed in it - I beleive the law in new york (I Know it is in NJ) that no child under the age of 12 is allowed in the front seat of the car - because of air bags and ohter safety stuff)

Keep breathing... you are going to be fine...

.........damn, man. Just... damn.

You're an absolute saint. Just keep cool, and remember that you love them (the fact you said you loved them like your own is the key to this whole thing).

As for a 4-year-old and a 2-year-old, there are still things you need to do to your house.

Check every cabinet below 5 ft high. Why 5 ft? Kids can climb on anything, like chairs, and get at a cabinet. You're checking for anything they could drink or eat and die from. You need child locks for any cabinet you have to keep any cleaning supplies in, like under the bathroom and kitchen sinks. If you have plates or breakables in low cabinets, move them up to a higher cabinet, and if you have anything that's not breakable- like mixing bowls, plastic cups, etc., move them down. This will help prevent curious hands from becoming destructive hands.

As for the nanny, I'd ask for a list of references. Once you get to know the person well, call their references and talk to their former employers, see what they have to say. You may get 4 glowing reports from one nanny, or 4 "meh, she did her job but that's it", regardless of how outgoing, nice, or personable they appear to you. Also, I don't know what your dynamic is with your mom, it sounds good, but I'd ask her to help you out with the nanny-choosing. If nothing else, she might be able to ask specific questions you might not think of, or she may be able to "pick up on" some of those positive nurturing qualities the nanny should possess.

Just keep asking questions- a lot of people make it up as they go along, so don't freak out.

Good luck. :)

Stop....breath....and relax.


Im gonna go on a limb here....as you are doing something I respect very much. I am a father of three and am willing to answer any PM you send me....period.

Just dont let the little stuff get to you.....OK?

In all the hustel and bussle of the day. I bought big pull ups and not underpants for the 4 year old. She gave me this look and said. "I dont where those silly... I am a big girl, I ware underpants." Have you ever wanted to hit yourself in the head for being a moron.

I guess i add underpants to tomarrows shopping list.

I just thought i would add that before i turn in for the night.

It sounds like you'll have a blast with these two.

I will be looking forward to posts from you in "Guess what my kid did."

Wishing you good luck and all the best.

I don't know how your feelings are on joint-custody, or having her come visit the kids, but you need to be very careful if you don't want her to be a part of their lives.

Firstly, for the love of everything good and decent in this world- and more importantly, your kids- DO NOT get back with the cheater. I'd suggest trying to shrug her off as much as possible, in fact. The kids are yours now, regardless of biological connections- parents are not made by blood, they're made by love and caring. If she pawned the kids off on you every time she couldn't handle them, she's not fit to keep them. Nothing is gained by entering into a bad relationship just so the kids have a mom... because then you're just creating an angry, unhappy household.

I don't know if you plan on sharing custody, or what role at all the mother will play in their lives in the future, but if you don't plan on her being there for them, and want to keep her away from them for fear of more problems, then there is more I'd like to add.

Also, you should start a log book. It can just be a spiral-bound notebook, doesn't matter. What you need to do is log every instance of the mother contacting you, for whatever reason. Example- she calls to ask how the kids are, you record the date and time, and that she called to ask how the kids are. If she calls and says she's broke, wants some money, but doesn't mention the kids, write that down as well. You have to do this for the security of your legal guardianship of the kids. If you don't, and you have to go to court for custody down the road, you will have no record of her disregard for her kids (if that's how it plays out- don't assume "that would never happen"). If, however, you have a record of every time she's called you, and what she called for, she won't have a leg to stand on. My uncle had to do this very thing to keep his drug-abusing, alcoholic, dangeroulsy neglectful and borderline-abusive ex wife (and mother of their kid) from having partial custody- and he's the biological father. You wouldn't believe what he's been through to keep his son, even though he's squeeky clean, has a great job, and everything in the world to back up what a great dad he is, and what a good home he provides. The courts still have bizarre preferences for the mother.

Ok now relax again... that's not to scare you, it's just information. There are tons of things a parent does to protect their kids from the dangers of the world- this is just one of them, so be cool. :) (btw i'm not trying to suggest the mother has no rights, or that the mother should automatically be excluded from their lives, but I'm getting the feeling that the mom is a flake, and shouldn't be allowed to have these kids back. I'm working under that assumption.)

Also, I agree completely with the others who have said to never talk badly about the mother. It will only cause problems, and it's just not necessary. Just be a good dad (I know you will be) and let her actions speak for themselves.

Not a moron... you made a mistake and she helped you correct it... Enlist her as your helper... Good job and get that rest -- I think you'll need it :D

Exactly... not a moron at all... laugh with her. And Mal is right, she can help you out.

As for the Camaro... you should consider getting some thing a bit more practical. You don't have to get a van (if that wierds you out)... go for something with four doors -- it makes it easier to get kids in and out of the back seat.

I will second Tecoyah's offer, I have two kids -- one is 11 and one is three -- PM me anytime if you have any questions. I will do what I can to get you an answer or give you support (for what it's worth).

Sounds like you are going to be fine though...

Well all in all the mother (Trisha) is not a bad person, or at the least I never thought so. She was really depressed after I broke it off. I mean enough that i was worried she would do something. Then i didnt hear from her for a week and then i get a call from CPS asking me to take the kids because she had a break down and tried to hirt herself. I still don't know the whole story.

At the moment she is in a mential hospital getting help. She is there as long as the Dr's want to keep her I guess. She is not to see the kids till she gets out, then she is to have supervised visatation 3 times a week for 2 hours a day. And that lasts as long as CPS feels she is not fit to have them. That was all set by the CPS and the judge, she nor i have anything to do with it.

I mean i feel bad becasue i kinda put her there (by breaking it off) if you think about it. I mean if i would have forgave her none of this would have happened. I don't want to be hirt by her anymore, i do kinda still love her, and i feel that the girls still need there mother. Or is that a wrong assumption.

So the kids are for the most part squared away. But what do I do about Trisha

And don't worry I am not the type of person that would speak ill of someone out of spite. That just seems wrong to me somehow.

Every person has free will... She made a series of wrong choices none of which you were responsible for. You gave her more chances than most people would have given her. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER ACTION!!! DON'T BLAME YOURSELF.

You are doing the best you can for Trishia by doing what's best for her children... Let her get healthy - then make a decision...

You really have my respect. I wish you the best of luck with your newfound job description (father). I'm confident based on your posts that you will be a wonderful influence in their lives.

There is no way you can be held responsible for her behaviors and thoughts. Don't worry about that at all... and don't get back together with her. :)

You're definitely not at fault. She clearly had a lot of problems with or without you. It sounds like she might not be a bad mother if she can get out of this depression thing and stay out. But if she can't... *shudder*

And thank goodness, only one is in diapers!!! :lol:

One can only imagine how scared I was knowing that I was going to be responsible for a little perfect being at 20, shit, I was scared out of my mind. I almost made the mistake of putting her up for adoption..I had already selected the parents and then this is what they told me, this, being the turning point I guess, "You can have no contact with her, and even if you wanted, it's at the discretion of the parents. Early in life, you can not be the aunt that visits all the time...."

I'm a single parent raising a little girl and let me tell you, half the time I'm not sure I know what I'm doing. It's such a natural apprehension when you have the future of another resting in your hands, but with love and the proper guidance, I'm sure you'll do exceptionally well. I haven't done too badly, but hey, she's alive, giggly, tubby, knows her ABC's and the entire McDonalds Menu...

A lot of times I question myself if I'm doing the right thing, am I too loosey goosey, too strict, too this, too that, and all that matters is that the child is loved and given the proper guidance, will grow up fine...

Be there for your girls, love them, protect them, and everything else becomes a minor detail...

Worry about the little ones, the ex will worry about herself.

Ok I have thought about it, and I will let Trisha make the decition on if I take her back or not. What I will do is watch her and see if she learns from all this that she is now going throught.

For the moment I think that its the best thing that I get the girls on a schedule as fast as I can.

My Mother and I interviewed the 4 nanny applicants. I need to make my decision today. And let the Agency know so she can move her stuff in on over the weekend. You know what not one of them looked like Julie Andrews, for somereason I had an immage of her in my head when I thought of Nannys. It must have been the whole Mary Poppens thing. I chose one about my age. She was not the most qualified but she said she would also make dinner for me. LOL I know thats kinda petty. And the others where a bit older and seem to be a bit stiff to me. I hope i made the right choice.

Hmmmm....

Single Dad. Two adorable girls. A supportive but semi-caustic Mother. And a feisty, age appropriate Nanny.

Sounds like you have the makings of a sitcom. :lol:


On this episode, Dad buys pullups only to realize his daughter is already potty trained... Silly Daddy!!! (insert laugh track here).

It's perfectly normal to be clueless and freaking out.

Love will prevail.

Don't try to overcompensate them with what you think they may not have; aka, spoil them. Just let them know that they are loved. Don't be afraid to discipline, they need structure, stability, and strength from you.

I think what you're doing is awesome. :)

People are responsable for their own reactions to what happens in their life.

I stand marginally behind that statment when it pertains to your case simply because you do not deserve any of the responsability for the actiosn of this woman. She has broken your trust before.

You sound like a person who knows where they stand and is STABLE. I agree with thos ebefore. At their age that is the MOST important thing for those two little girls. To find someone they can trust in.


What I am tyring to say is that you don't have to do anything for Trisha. You are not obligated to for any reason.

If you or the girls aren't comfortable with the nanny, you can always get a different one. There are different agencies... different nannies... this isn't a lifetime commitment...

BTW - you're doing fine so far...

chriswin8 -

Let me just say that you are the coolest frickin' person on the PLANET to me right now! I am so proud of you, I want to cry (manly man, here)!

1) Whatever you do, DON'T take the pull-ups back. Keep them. 18 years from now, they will become the single greatest momento of your life!

2) While I can't tell you what to do regarding Tricia, if it were me, I would not let her back into my (romantic) life for quite some time, probably never. Nothing good will come out of it.

3) It your company has an Employee Assistance Program, you are entitled to all sorts of paid services: these usually include counseling for you. You might want use them. Maybe some sort of paid "parenting for dummies classes"? Your circumstance is special and I would imagine your company would be more than willing to assist you. Happy employees are good employees.

Charlatan
LOL your right this is starting to look like a Sitcom. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing, however i get the feeling that the good/bad times are only just starting.

maleficent
I know, i just hope this one works out. the other 3 i just got weard vibes from they made me uncomforable. And the cooking thing helped. :lol:

Cimarron29414
In reguards to:

1) HUH i was just planning to save them till the 2 year old needed them in a few years. If they servive that long. What are you talking about?

2)I will tell you right now. As i see it I don't think Trisha will ever be able to jump thought enought hoops. As I stated I will leave the option there that she may be able to work her way back into my (romantic) life again. But she will have to prove to me that she has learned and grown due to the outcome of the things that have transpired. In other words she will have to have learned her lesson.

3) Um I have no idea I return to work on Monday and I will speak with front office.
I work for the NY State Department of Disability Determination. I am 1 of 4 Systems Administrators. Yes its a nice Civil Service (Goverment) job. So i am sure they have something.
However the "Parenting for dummies classes" don't sound like a bad idea.

ask your mom... parenting isn't a job.. it's an adventure.. there will be good times.. and bad times.. but from what I gather.. the good times far out number the bad and you don't really mind them so much...

It's gonna be one heck of a ride you are going on.. Enjoy it - take it day by day...

Chriswin8, glad to see you're seeing the light in the situation...it'll be a stressful ride, but there is nothing more worthwhile than this....

Man, Jess always knows what she's talkin' about (and many other people on TFP)! No one is ever really ready for anything... but the beauty of your character is that you are just grabbing the bull by the horns and holding on for dear life, and that's one hell of a risk. Absolutely amazing to read your story.

You are truly superhuman for making this decision, for having this kind of integrity. Don't EVER forget that. And these girls owe you their lives, even if you only have them for a short time.

You remind me a lot of my stepdad, who raised me with no legal obligation to me or my mother. We are still close; he came into my life when I was 2 or so and my father had died before I was born, and he was 24-25 then. Now I'm the one in the mid-20s, marveling at how much maturity/bravery/insanity he had to step up to the fatherhood plate with no blood or legal ties whatsoever.

Even after he split with my mom, he has always been my dad. He has made lots of mistakes, believe me, but not one of them would cause me to feel that he is anything less than incredible. You will be the same way in those girls' eyes, I know it.

Just be careful of the "Parenting" classes. It's very much akin to those people who claim to have all the answers, whose opinions and advice are always correct, etc. Just take everything with an open mind and a grain or two of salt, and decide for yourself how you want your kids raised. :)

Eighteen years from now, when *YOUR* daughter is getting married, or graduating college. You will be able to pull out those pull-ups and say "We've all come a long way."

Well I am picking up my new 4 door GMC Jimmy on the way home from work. At which time the the camaro will be placed in the garage for storage. Its ok i was lookiing for an excuse to get a 4x4 anyway. :)

No one has mentioned the ultimate parental accessory - the second pair of eyes. :) Maybe the nanny counts as this anyway.

Also, think about child proofing your yard - specifically make sure they can't escape if you are all out in the back yard together. Make sure the fences are secure, there aren't any holes and that the gates are lockable (at least so that a child can't open them by themselves).

You are almost at the stage of meeting other parents via school, but in the meantime it may be worth seeing if there are organised groups of parents with similar aged children. For example - my wife takes our son to "playtime" at the local church on Mondays, where a horde of pre-school aged children cause havoc for a couple of hours, and the parents get to have a coffee/interact with other parents. All the children sit down and share fruit (each parent brings one piece and it is all cut up...). The older kids do craft.

Don't go too overboard on buying clothes/shoes - little ones grow so fast. Also, there is nothing wrong with buying kids shoes and clothes second hand - most are still in quite good condition. My wife regularly visits a local charity shop and also has found and sold some quite good things on ebay. (Note though - my son has also trashed some things that really are no longer sellable...).

Edit - forgot to say - congratulations! You are doing a most noble thing. As others have said, you will make mistakes - don't worry that is normal. If you feel like you want to learn more about parenting, I suggest pick up any parenting book and start reading, but don't think you have to follow the steps - any literature or course you read/do is a guide only - otherwise, use your common sense.

Also - make sure you pick up some child friendly pain killers - you'll understand the first time they have a howling fit that nothing seems to fit (especially the smaller one, whose communication is probably not great yet).

Just wanted to bump this and say I've been wishing you good luck with the girls... any updates about the last two weeks??

No not really. Things are going semi-smooth the girls, and I are getting along ok. The nanny is a big help. I am sorry I have not had time to post I have been super busy with the girls, work, and the holidays. Sometimes I feel like I am being split in two. In the last few days I have noticed the 4 year old (Hayley) has taking to lieing and acting out. Not sure how to handle this. The 2 year old (Megen) is getting into everything. On that note it was a good call to get the anti-kids devices thank you for that one.

When would it be a good time to start potty training Megen?

The lying and acting out could either be a plea for attention... or a test for you to make sure that even if she is 'bad' that you will still love her. Her entire life has been uprooted at a very young age.. it's going to take her a while to get settled... Best you can do is assure her that you want her with you -- you love her and aren't going anywhere... Maybe some special time with her - like a story at bedtime when she gets your undivided attention and she can tell you about her day.

Potty training? I'm no expert but generally the kid will let you know when they are ready...

Everyone will tell you something different. The guideline I've heard that I like is "when you change their overnight diaper, and it's pretty dry".

Just thought I would hit you with an Update. The girls and I are doing fine. I know this is going to sound corny and very much like a TV show, but I think I am falling for the nanny, not sure how she fells but i have cought her flerting.

Xmas was a blast. With the friends and family I have the kids had a mountin of toys. No lie it was about 5 feet around and 4 feet hight. It took me and the nanny 5.5 hours to wrap all the stuff. And 2 hours to open it all. And the sentance of the day was "Oh my Gosh" from the 4 year old.

On a down note there is a good chance that Trisha will be getting out of the hospital at the end of this month. An now I am not sure what i will do with myself if/when CPS ever says that she can have the kids back. I can't picture myself with out them now.

Oh and I did decide to get the puppy after all. I know you all told me not to do it. But I couldnt help myself besides everything seems to be going well.

Glad things are going well... I hope CPS is paying attention and does what is best for the girls.

WOW...that's all I can think to say. You are a good man, and I wish you the best of luck. It sounds like you and the girls are off to a wonderful start, and hopefully they will stay yours in till some Jerk of a significant other takes them away from you.

Just remember that a puppy isn't just for Christmas ;)

Holy crap, you are amazing. I'll be watching this thread for an update. Please do update if you get the chance.

Outstanding... I wish there were more people in this world like you.

Chriswin8....I just want you to understand how amazing you really are. I am newly )6 mo) seperated from my husband of four years and we have two girls, Emma 3 1/2 and Ally 22 months...so I am very familiar with your situation. I was married to a true deadbeat dad. He worked out of town most of the year.. like 8 weeks at work 3-4 days home and back again...and when he was home he considered it to be "his" time to do with it what he pleased. I moved to the other end of the state when we split because my family would be closer and I needed that support system...you'll find it's the MOST important tool you have. He moved down here so that he could be close to the girls..."great" I thought this was an improvement. He spent two weeks with them from 8am-5pm because thier daycare was on vacation, then he took them to his parents house for a week after Christmas so that he could ski and they could see Grandma & Papa. Anyway...this was all looking up until three days after he got back he decided he hadn't had enought "play" time for himself so he drove back to his parents...this is 2500 miles away from Alaska to Canada...to spend a month. Completely shirking any responsibilities he has as a parent.

So, to me for a man to take PARENTAL reponsibility of two children, close to the ages of my own, who are not his flesh and blood...simply makes me weak in the knees.....You give me hope that there are men out there who truly care and center thier lives around a greater purpose than searching out the best powder!

Thank you ....you are truly an inspiration!

Me
Well lets see. Things are going ok i quess. I am still getting the moron moments as i have coined them. But they are getting fewer. Yes i am getting very smitten with the Nanny (Ashley). And i am trying to hide it becasue i am just afraid she will leave if i do. The reasons i dont say anything are:
1) We can't afford to lose her, the girls love the hell out of her.
2) I injoy spending time with her.
3) Boy can she cook.
So on the nanny front i am not sure what to do.

As for the girls and I. I look forward to bed time I like reading them stories and bath time (I tend to be as wet as them). So i start spalshing wars so that i never win, so what. Ashley just shakes her head and smiles. She said to me friday that there are times she is not sure that she is helping me with the 2 of them or taking care of the 3 of us. I said there are times that you are doing both. Then she said well then i guess its your bed time to. I said yes nanna and went to bed. It was 9pm, I was making a funny point. The next morning when i got up she was like what happend to you. I said I went to bed. She just laughed. Now we have this little game the two of us are playing, along those lines.

Hayley (4 year old)
I picked her up to put her in her booster seat the other day and i managed to smack her head on the roof of the truck. She didn't cry she just gave me this look. So I said i was sorry and walked around the other side of the truck and made a point to hit my head getting in the truck as well. I didnt make anything of it but as i am starting the care i hear this giggling comming from behind me. And i just smiled. She is really starting to miss her mother i think. I almost cried the other day she asked me "Does mommy not love us anymore?, Is that why we dont see her." I tried to expline that mommy was sick and trying to get well again so she could see them. But i am not sure i got my point accross. I kept fumbleing over my words. I need some advice what would you say (Please be detailed)

Megan (2 year old)
Is starting to act like the dog (Willy). She wants to eat dinner off her plate on the floor. We let her lastnight it was amusing and i got it on Tape. LOL
She tries very hard to "Help" Walk the dog. But in the end its funny to watch the dog pull her around. And she is becoming a bit of an exabisonest (forgive misspelling) She doesnt want to keep her shirt on for some reason every time i turn around its on the floor, its getting annoying.

Tricha (there Mother)
She will be released from the hospital on friday (27th). I am not sure how i fell about this. I guess if i had to put a name to it i would call it conserned. I have taped all the CPS visitation rules to the wall in my house as you walk in the front door its the first thing you see. I am now very much afraid of losing the kids. CPS is telling me that Trisha's first visitation is on the 1st. But i have the girls on a scedual now. And that is going to interfear with it. So i have request they be moved from Wensdays to Saterdays, i am just waiting to hear from them. I have a log book i am going to keep for the visitations. For the first few visits CPS wants to be there. The end of next month they are having a eval heiring to see if she is eligable to get the kids back. in my opinnion its too soon. She is just getting out of the hospital. I am afraid for these kids.

Well that is all for now. I have to get back to work.

Chris, I'm glad that everything is working out with the girls being with you. You seem to care for them very much and I personally feel that is something lacking very much in a lot of families where I'm from at least. I know that a lot of people might disagree with me here as Trisha hasn't shown many motherly qualities, but the fact remains that she is their Mom and they miss her and no matter what happens they will always need her in their lives. If you want to be able to see these girls should she get custody back, then you need to be open to Trisha being in your life more then you might like. I'm not saying you will have to live with her, date her or even like her, just that bring with these girls comes with being around their mother. If you trully feel scared for these kids, you need to put those fears in writing with lots of detail as to your experience with this situation and explain what part of her lifestyle is putting the kids at risk, not what you could do to make them better. The things you have done for them are amazing and beyond what I would have thought possible for someone in your situation, so please don't think I'm being mean. But when CPS starts looking into placing the children back in their mothers care, they aren't going to care about what great things you will provide them with, they are only allowed to see what would keep their mother from giving them the basic needs they need to survive, that is just how it works. If you really want these girls to be a part of your life, then maybe there is a way to request visitation. That or you have to prove that she isn't fit to care for them. This is a hard case to fight from all of the things I have experience with friends in similar situations.

As for the 4 yr. old asking if Mommy doesn't love her anymore. You have to let her know all the time that Mommy does love her. Little reminders like "I bet your mommy is thinking about you right now." and sharing with her stories about her mom they she might recall that were good and happy for her. There is no way of knowing what kids are really thinking, the best we can do is try. You told her the truth, which is what matters most in my eyes. That she is sick, but is going to get better and maybe let her know that you are positive that she is thinking about her all the time.

I think that's it for now. I trully hope I didn't bring you down with this post, but woke you up to a few things you can do to make this easier for everyone involved.

Brightest Blessings.

Hello everyone... Sorry i have not been around things have been a bit crazy... God I dont even know where to begin.

Well Trisha never got out on the 27th she had to stay for another 2 weeks. 2 weeks after that she went for her first hearing. They told her that she had 3 months to comply with everything on a list that they gave her. You know appartment, stable job, some other things.

Mommy Days : post hearing...
For the first week she was always on time to see the girls. Trisha seemed to be be doing alright, untill one day megan got scared by her and ran to me. The next mommy day she never showed, and didnt call. I called her no answer, i left a message. I called the worker and told her she didnt show. Two days later I am at work and about 11 or so i get a call from the worker, trisha had killed herself. I guess Megan running to me made her snap or something. There was no note, I really hope it wasnt my fault.

The girls are doing ok, I still have them... I am glad that the girls didnt understand what was going on. Or at the least I hope they didnt... I tried to explain that god needed her to help with the kids up there. Hehehe... Hayley asked if she could go to gods playtime. I almost lost it. Its taken me this long to get over it myself.

I am conflicted, if i would have forgiven her for cheating the second time none of this would have happend. Trisha and I would be married and the girls would have there mother. Am I a bad person... I am in the process of adopting the girls, and about that i couldnt be happier, and that makes me feel guilty.

Its funny what having kids can do. One day your thinking of getting a boat the next you have 2 kids and the thought of a boat is laughable.

Here is a bright star... I don't have the nanny, she kinda turned into my very serious girlfriend that lives with me. Last week she called and quit the agency... I was in the mall the other day and relised I was looking at engagement rings again. Its funny how somethings work out.

let me tell you if not for Ashly and my Mother. I think i would have lost my mind with all this.

What do I tell the girls when they get older about there mother.

Wow Chris -- I've followed this thread off and on and never felt like I had much to add -- everyone else is so right on.

But this time no one has said the obvious -- Trisha's suicide is NOT your fault! People like her are going to do what they are going to do! You are now responsible for living and loving. Love yourself, your girls and your woman. They are a blessing. Take care of you for them -- they need you and they need you healthy, not guilty. You are an amazing person. Be sad, feel the pain, but don't allow guilt to take over! You deserve what you have!

Best of luck and keep us posted, as always.

I gotta chime in with Sexymama, you cannot control what other people choose to do. It seems this is all working out in the girls best interest still ... and you have found happiness as well, it seems.

in this age where a lot of men wont even care for their own biolocical children, i think you are wonderful, a true credit to humanity, you will make mistakes, you will have days that you feel you lost yourself, you will be ready to cut and run at times, but fear not, thats parenthood, we have all been there, best of luck to you. i hope someday those little girls realise just how lucky they are.

I'm so sorry, Chris. But it's not your fault. If you had taken her back, it would have made a bad situation worse, and more than likely, just postponed the inevitable. Now the girls have a father, a person who can care about them properly. Trish was clearly not able to do that. You've done the right thing. And it's not your fault.

Holy shit, man. I am very sorry to hear about the girls' mother, but as prevous posters have said... her decision (remember, it was her conscious choice to cope with her struggles in that manner) was utterly beyond your control.

All you can do is be the best father to those girls right now, and hope that they will understand the whole story once they are older and ready to hear the facts. Given what a cool dad you seem to be, I have a feeling they'll turn out okay. :)

And I'm glad it's working out with the former nanny... take joy where you can find it! If you want to start a family with her and those girls, no one will stop you. We will be here to cheer you on!

It's funny, isn't it, how life is really just made up of one seemingly random event after another, and how we react to those events. Thinking about your story, there's just so much that "happened" to you (it wasn't planned ahead of time)... and yet you have been able to roll with pretty much everything. That takes serious character and integrity. :thumbsup: Good work, Chris.

I want to add my 2 cents worth. You sound like you are doing a great job. I echo what everyone else has said - the mum's suicide is not your fault at all. Imagine how %^&#ed up the girls would be if you weren't around - there are way more positives in this situation, than negatives.

I wish you the very best of luck and I hope that one day you will see that Trisha would have done this anyway. Imagine being married to her and having to deal with suicidal ideation on a semi-regular basis. It wouldn't have gone away because you forgave her, trust me on this one.
I'm a mom of three and a foster mom to boot (about to adopt a baby girl!), so if you ever need anything just PM me; I mean it! There have been some pretty negative comments on here about foster parents, and I'd like to think that's not the way _everyone_ feels! Most of us are just like you, taking in children we love for various reasons to assure that they have a safe haven during a difficult time. But the best case for any child is to have a family member (or someone as awesome as you!) whom they are already familiar with and who already loves and adores them!

You really shouldnt blame yourself for anything. Think about it this way if you forgave her and did get married the girls mom wouldnt have changed and most likely the kids would of ended up in some bad situation with a mom they couldnt count on. most likely she would of cheated on you while you were married then after a while you would of gotten a devorce and the kids would end up being raised in a broken home at best. If you ended up getting devorced most likely she would of got the kids just because she was the mom and the system favors moms. then they would of been raised around her and who knows who else she would be with. in the end i really think everything you did was right well except the pull ups.

Dont ever tell anyone they arnt your kids or ever let the kids hear that. even if they are not biologicly yours they are your kids.

Glad to hear you do like reading to them i really think more parents should do that. try to get them to read along with you or at least point to where you are reading from untill they start to learn the words. I know thats what my parents always used to do then when i got to kindergarden i was shocked to find out i was the only one that could read.

As far as telling them about what happened to mom... tough call but whatever you do do not tell them why you think she did it. Megan running to you when she was scared didnt cause her to kill herself. you shouldnt think that or ever repeat it for megans sake. She killed herself because she was a failure and couldnt handle what she did to herself. All the kids ever need to know is she had a mental breakdown. When they are older you can tell them she killed herself but dont even hint at why you think she did it.

It sounds like they have a good home and a loving family and really thats all kids need.

Sounds like the girls are in the best of all possible situations. You being their dad is the best thing for them. Even though you're not their biological father, and whether or not they call you Dad, you are their dad, and that's not going to change. It only takes a dick to be a father, it takes a real man to be a dad. Tell the girls every day that their mom loved them, and tell them every day that you love them. Give them lots of love and affection, cuddles and kisses. Spending time reading with them at night is a very valuable contribution to their education... my mom read to me every night, when I got old enough to read, I read to her, and because of all that, I was reading at a fourth grade reading level in first grade, and I still love to read to this day. Teach them to be independent and strong, and to always be themselves.

Oh, and the whole acting like a dog thing... does the dog get more attention than Megan sometimes? My baby sister did that sort of thing... the dogs were my step-mom's first "babies", so when they got my sister, it was an adjustment. My step-mom always treated the dogs with kid gloves, and they could do no wrong, while my sister was always getting in trouble. She started acting like a dog figuring if they could do no wrong, then neither could she. Didn't work, but got my step-mom's attention that she needed to change her ways.

For those of you that fallowed this back then, now that i am back on the boards i thought it might be time for an update.

First of all the Girls are fine and living with there biological grandparents I still get to see them from time to time.

So what happened. As you all know I was in the process of adopting them and at the 11th hour Trisha's parents swooped in and took them from me, But not before a long drawn out court battle. In the end the courts ruled as they where blood they should be with Trisha's parents. So i only had the girls for just shy of a year. I do however get to see them from time to time. I do miss them a lot. Hayley just turned 9, and Megan is 6 about to be 7.

As for the Nanny we were engaged for a short time. However once the kids where gone the relationship ended within a few months. At that point I think she was only with me for the kids. She cheated on me, and i was in no mood to handle that so I tossed her out. That became another interesting situation she became a stalker would fallow me around. She told me one day that she would do anything in her power to sabotage any future relationships I was in, because I belonged with her, and she would spend the rest of her life proving it to me. But by that point i was a bit afraid of her. I mean she came up to me in a movie when i was on a date, and yelled and i quote "So is this the hussy you have been seeing behind my back." Yeah that not only ended the date. It got me slapped 3 times and tossed out the theater for making a scene. In the interim time she has met some one but she told me that if i ever wanted her back all i had to so is way the word. At the moment i have no one, I am kinda afraid of woman at the moment, i know i am working on that. I have had a few short relationships, but nothing major.

I have often wondered what might be wrong with me that would make woman want to cheat on me. I have never figured it out though.

Um my parents now live with me. They Lost there house a wile back and I took them in. The economy has not been that great to them, or i guess any of us. I am unemployed and kinda looking for work just for something to do to keep me from going insane, even though i don't need to. Remember money was never really an option.

Is funny how you can have everything you have ever wanted some you never new you wanted and then have it all taken away from you.

Sorry it took so long for an update I have not been myself for a wile... However I feel that i am changing again. Kinda freaking about 35 but i think thanks to anther post i think i will be OK.

Well that is all i can think of for now. If i think of more i will let you all know. If you are interested.

Is there a way to change the title of this thread as its not really a cry for help anymore?

chriswin8,

I have thought back on this thread countless times. You have no idea the affect it had on me. Your selfless act inspired me in ways you could never imagine. Because of this thread, at the beginning of 2006, I quadrupled my charity work and have continued to do so every year.

chriswin8, you are directly responsible for around 100 orphans receiving beds, clothes, school supplies, and Christmas gifts each year. No joke.

You want to know where you are in life? You just think of those 100 orphans' faces every Christmas morning. You did that, through me.

You are the salt of the earth, man.

Wow, I am humbled and honored. I am speechless, I don't know what to say. I had no idea it all had that big of an effect on others. Back then i can't tell you how you all helped me.

I'm serious. There's a charity organization partnered with DSS which provides everything to children in foster care because of the burden the foster parents immediately take on. When I decided I needed to do more, I sought out this organization because a similar one would have been what you needed at the time.

First I got involved, then I got my company involved, then I got my customers' companies involved. I created honor system soft drink stations at my customers' offices where 100% of proceeds buy uniforms and school supplies for foster kids. When I started, I sponsored 4 foster siblings for Christmas. Those were the ONLY christmas gifts those kids got that year. Now, the branch of kids that started through your inspiration totals just over 100 kids! We gave 20 beds to foster kids last year, who would have been sharing or sleeping on the floor. We gave 75 kids school supplies in August.

The organization as a whole has grown 35% since 2006. It helped 515 foster kids at school time feel like normal kids.

And it all started with me going, "Shit, if chriswin8 can take in two fosters on a moment's notice to live with him - give up his camaro for a mini-van - give up his boat for some diapers...I can get some orphans something for under the tree, can't I? It's grown from there.

...and I forgot to say, "Thank you" to you. The very best time of my weeks are counting the money going to Angel Tree from the drink stations. The very best time of the holiday is pulling 3 carts of toys out of the store for a marathon wrapping session. The best pictures I take every year are not of my family, it's of the 600 sq. ft. conference room that we STUFF to the gills with bikes and gifts on December 7th.

So...thank you. All I have done and will ever do started with you - and yet, it's only a fraction of what you did, and were willing to do for those two kids.

Shit Cimarron... that's an inspirational story.

The two of you are awesome.

You know Cimarron I think you are a better man then i am for what you did when you read my story. I mearly helped 2 children you help hundreds. I think you need more props for what you do then for what I did. I am honored that you did it due to how my story made you feel but you took those feelings and channeled them in a very constructive way. I aplaud you for that, I wish there where more people like you in the world.

Best thread on TFP. I can't add anything else.