You pose an excellent dilema. . .and being a parent, a teenage father, and a convicted felon (burglary, a little different but still a crime) I can tell you that it's an incredibly conflicting situation.

I agree with you that the father needs to step up and take care of your daughter and the child, but I feel that charging the boy may have prevented a lot of what you're aiming for. From your original posting it sounds like the sexual encounters were consenting, please correct me if I'm wrong. Your enforcement of his violation means two things, first he is now a convicted felon. . . and I can't BEGIN to tell you how complicated that makes getting even a minimum wage paying job, much less something professional that could allow you to support a family. Second, not only is he a felon, if your states laws are anything like mine he now counts as a sex offender, which carries it's own set of complications and stigmas. That being said, and mind you I'm attempting to remain objective about the boy, but he doesn't sound very promising, I feel that you're right that he should take resposibility for this child and be supporting both the baby and the mother. Another caviot, giving that support and not being able to see the results of all his hard work is a little callous, I can understand your concern about them being together, but can you see why he might not be so inspired to succeed and care for the two of them when he doesn't get the reminders of why he's trying so hard?

I'm also divorced and have the same "softie" problem with my ex-wife, discipline with my children is a constant struggle, but in my personal life I do my best to make that struggle with their mother and how lax she is in enforcing the rules, rather than making the children suffer for her shortcomings. Luckily my children are still young enough (5 and 4) that I've been able to this point to create the distinction that I'm not their mother and that they will not behave in certain ways around me.

I guess what it really comes down to is I agree with your concern for your daughter, but I disagree with the current status of the situation and how you're addressing it, it just seems like you're digging yourself a deeper hole. Have you tried getting your daughter to neutral ground and attempting a compromise with her that you can both work from? I would hope that the final goal for all of you would be that she and the baby are taken care of and provided for, but you've only got 6 more months until she is legally an adult and can remove you from the decision making process entirely, after that any input you would have sounds like it's going to be ignored by her because of how hurt she is, regardless of how good it might be.

Here in the state of NY once you've been declared the father for child support purposes, it's next to impossible to remove that duty, even if DNA proves that you are not the father.

The state sees it as better some "father" than no "father."

your daughter is all to blame for this. these were her choices she made, whom ever she had conceived the child with. Choices she has to live with.

My parents said it may times, "No matter how deep you bury it, your shit still stinks."

Thank you all. I really appreciate all your opinions and experiences. Right now, things appear to be running smoothly. My daughter does not want to deal with issues regarding who the real father may be. Either she doesn't know, or doesn't want to have him involved, (or afraid I'll press charges). I've told her that we will look forward rather than backward. I'm glad the other dude is out of the picture, he was such a loser. Don't need that in the family. I told my daughter to prepare an answer when the baby grows up and asks about where's his daddy. Till then, I'm doing my best, and being the man in the life of the child. I am working on developing respect for my daughter, and I guess she is working on issues about me. She is doing OK in her first year of college, so that is a good start. Thank you all again.

Victor

sorry ill be the one to tell you this. You calling him a loser makes you yourself just as big of a loser

I wouldn't have put it quite as bluntly, but I can't exactly disagree.

The best of luck and everything to your daughter.

i woulda beat the shit outta him. sorry

I think there is an amnesia that kicks in when you have children. I'm not talking about your daughter having a child, I mean you. Do you not remember what is like to be 16 and your body constantly bombarding your brain with messages that say "must...procreate...must...procreate..." If the boy was 16, would you be any less upset? Would it be rape then? What difference does it make what age he was?

I think you have lost your daughter forever. If you was 16 and you was truly in love with a girl and your parents forbid you to see her, would you just say, "Fine, you are the wise and powerful parents and I shall obey your wishes?" When you are 16, you are in my opinion an adult. You can make rational decisions and live with those consequences.

Just for kicks, take a look at www.ageofconsent.com and check the laws not only in the different states in the US, but in different countries. If it was universally accepted that 18 was the legal age of an adult, then there wouldn't be such a variation in the age in which a person can have legal consentual sex.

Victor,

You buy your daughter a car, but keep it awhile, until some contention comes up, then you use it as a bargaining chip, to make her give in to you having your way.
You pay for your daughter's housing, but consider it to give you a right to visit "your grandchild." Note that you call him your grandchild, rather than her son.

You sound like a guy trying to be controlling. She is finally learning to stand up to you, by telling you to take all the things you buy her and shove them. I think this is a healthy, positive step for her. You could stand to work on your tendency to BUY her love, rather than trying to earn it by being good, loving and caring to her.

I think the letter is a VERY good idea. It isn't demanding of her time, or intrusive. But it expresses your love. Even though you are controlling, you are trying to be loving, in your own perverted, little boy way.

In your letters, be sure to tell her, over and over, that you feel sad that she got into such adult responsibilities as being a mother, when she was so very young, but that you are proud of her that she bore the child and is working hard to care for it.

You should also consider, and meditate on, the fact that the father was way to young, at least emotionally, to take on the adult responsibilities of fatherhood. But he would like to love his child's mother and help her raise the boy as best he can. You might consider being proud of him for that.

Yes, both the mother and father are still to young, really, to have a child. But they have one, and are willing to make the best of it and work to make a life together and for their son. Bully for them.

OK, that's my soapbox for today.

I really really have to agree with shakran. Unfortunately Vic, you have been put in the hard and responsible position, because nobody else is stepping up. Stick to your guns, you will see in about 10 years, your daughter's thinking will kick into place. right now she is a vindictive child who doesn't realize that you are there to ensure that the future works out for her.

Parents are not supposed to be their children's buddies. You will have to make hard decisions. The hard truth is, for some reason your daughter fell under the thrall of an adult, who should have known better, and for whatever reason found her to be an accessible target. This is the reason for the laws in the first place.

Your job as the parent and guardian is to ensure that your daughter's well being is taken care of. Actually, her mother's lack of over-sight is almost criminal in itself. she has compromised your daughter's ability to continue her education past high school, and therefore prevented her from being able to support her new family with a well paying job. Heaven knows if the father of the baby will be around (voluntarily) in 5 yrs time if there is no committment (legal or otherwise).

You may have room to manoeuvre emotionally (i.e. how you state your case: i notice that teenagers are especially susceptible to tone of voice, and tend to be emotional), but the facts are, she has a baby, he is responsible, she is a child, he is an adult. He should be made responsible for his actions at all levels, and she should think it through.


(rant finished. - I apologize for comming off as morally indignant, but i have a hard time accepting the immaturity of women, who ruin it for those of us who strive to be independant in this world)

She needs to learn that there are consequences to being stupid (and having sex at 16 is the epitome of stupid) and that if she doesn't want to step up to the plate and do what needs to be done

ditto for britain.

i still dont get how anyone could think its okay to blame the guy? its sex. not rape.

you werent there for her before..if her mother was so "loose" where were you..all of a sudden she has sex with someone and gets pregnant and you think you can run her life? and c'mon its not "your grandchild" first and foremost..its "her child".

Sigmund Freud would have had a field day with ya!

As a female, I think you did the right thing too. Lessons can hurt sometimes and your daughter, if she grows up, will "get it." When her child is old enough to be in this situation, she'll get it.

Where is your ex in all of this? She sounds like a total noodle and a failure as a diciplinarian.