How to deal with a family members child?
 

Ok, here's the situation. My youngest (21) sister and her 3 year old son have decided to move in with me. He's a good kid most of the time but occasionally needs some ... guidance.

Now, my dilema is this: What am I to do if I don't agree with the punishment dealt out by my sister, who is often too forgiving or ignores it altogether? This is not my child but this is my house, in which they are living rent-free.

Is it my place to punish the child? Am I allowed to raise my voice to this child? Like I said, he is remarkably well behaved in spite of his upbringing thus far.

My wife and I have no children so this is new to us. Sure we babysit on occasion, but this is a full time thing.

Hopefully I put this in the right catagory.

There's only one answer to this question, and no one here can deterime the final answer. You need to sit down with your sister (and your wife at the same time) to establish ground rules for the house. It is a big challenge for someone who doesn't have kids to understand how self-willed a 3 year old can be. On the flip side, not everyone is a good parent.

The rules that you set up in this meeting will not work in all circumstances. You will have to revisit them as time goes on.

My mother had this problem with a cousin of mine. He would come over and try to steal stuff that belonged to my brother and I and make a point of defying any little 'no soda on the carpet' rules and that sort of thing. His parents would object quite angrily when my mother would call him on that sort of behavior, but she would do it anyway. He hasn't turned out to be a very pleasant individual...

Ultimately, it's your house, and you aren't forcing them to stay there. You set the rules, and if they don't like them, they can leave. I think my parents came down on my cousin because they didn't want the other kids in the family to think that his sort of behavior was ok, but without any kids of your own, that isn't an issue for you.

It isn't your job to parent this kid, but you're inevitably going to be the adult-in-charge sometimes. Try to agree with your sister on a set of rules that you can both enforce to some degree of uniformity. If she really just wants to let him do whatever he wants to at 3 years old that's her decision as a parent, but you've got a pretty heavy voice in this too as the provider of housing.

You didn't go into the situation re: the boy's father but I want to remind you that while they are living in your house, you will be the father figure.

I know you are still only 'Uncle Tinfoil' :), but as this youngster grows up he will get his idea of what a man should be from you.

You sound like an intelligent man who can understand the responsibility that this will entail. I think it is perfectly reasonable that you and your wife and sister sit down and work out the details of how this child will be raised, and that includes discipline.

Good Luck to all of you.

I would say that while you have the right to tell the kid to stop doing things that impact your family or your house, you do not have the right to punish him. That is for his parents to do.

That's a sticky situation. The only way around it is to talk about it with your sister. You set the rules at your house, like it or love it, your sister has to follow them. As the adult, you have rights to protect the child, but punishing is fine line. If you communicate it with your sister, and she agrees, everything should be fine.

Indeed, it's time to sit down and have a talk with your sister. You should stay out of the punishment arena, that's for your sister to handle. If she continues to forget or minimize the situation, and the problems you're haviung with the child are serious enough, then you need to tell her that things need to turn around or she will need to find anoher place to live. If things still don't turn around then you need follow through.

The right thing to do is seldom the easy thing to do.

I just wanted to clarify my earlier post; in the discussion, you need to be specific. For instance, "I'll be keeping the door to my office closed, because I don't want my papers in there messed up." "I don't want him to play with the CD rack, but it is out in the open; how should we tell him this?" "If I ask him to do / not to do something, and he does not obey, how do you handle it, and what would be appropriate for me to do?"

my parents always told me "if you don't like the rules of the house, leave"

bottom line, your house, she's your sister and your nephew, they've got to respect 'house rules' so just make sure everything is clear and straightforward. let the kid know if he's got questions to ask first before he tries anything?

Yup. What he said.


I agree with this...to a point. I would say that, even though it's your house, your rules and all of that, discipline is a sticky point. Certainly, in my opinion, you have every right to issue "time outs" and that sort of thing. But, when it comes to butt blistering time...best to save that for "mom". I would suggest that it be made crystal clear, though, exactly what your expectations are, with regards to the childs discipline.

Hmmm, yes, kicking them out for playing with the CD's does seema little harsh, doesn't it? I should have read your initial message more carefully. This is a different situation entirely.

At 3, things like CD racks look like great big shiny red candy. You have to expect a certain amount of touching/playing. If something is REALLY important to you, then remove it to a place where the child can't get to it. That's VERY important. For everything else ...

Right after they've done something like this, sit down with them and tell him the objects are very important and that they are not toys. Please don't touch it again, ok? The child will probabally start crying. That's ok. Reassure the child everything is ok but you just don't want them touching it.

I did this with my (then) 2 and 3 year old when I got my new HDTV and entertainment system. They are very good around it, but sometimes I still find a handprint on it. I clean it off and ignore it. I've also told them to not swordfight near the Tv. Sometimes they need a reminder when they get caught up in things, but in general, kids at this age will try to do what you want. Don't get angry and don't expect the sister to punish the child for something like looking/touching/playing with the CD's. At least, not the first couple of times.

You have that problem too? I managed to overcome it by installing a metal detector by the front door, but I still don't know how to get them to stop alligator-wrestling in the dining room. :lol: