On losing a child
 

We lost our middle boy. It hurt.

I was at sea, so she was "in charge". He went to the backyard to play. She went to the garage with our toddler girl to smoke and do the recycle thing.

He found the doggie door that led from his play area to the enclosed, locked pool. He found an old bike and decided to ride it.

The doctors told me he was probably already unconscience when he hit the water, due to a blow to the head. They told me that it was probably peaceful for him.

Well, no surprise here, it wasn't peaceful for us. Even though I put "in charge" in quotes, we all know that anything can happen. They are frickin kids. They try to kill themselves all the time. Sometimes, like this time, they succeed.

Guilt: She had it in spades. She thought it was her fault. She wanted to die. She hated God. She hated me for caring. She was... eruptive. All the time.

It's not your fault: I tried to be supportive. It's not your fault. It could have happened to anyone. You weren't looking, he got away from you. You weren't paying attention, sure, but it's something that has ALMOST happened to every parent.

Result: Secretly she thinks I blame her. I'm lying, she thinks. She doesn't trust me, cause I really must hate her. I couldn't possibly believe that line. I think she's pond scum, lower. I don't think any of these things, but she does. Couple a person with no self worth with a person trying to reach down and draw up and you have.....

Trouble: No closeness. No trust. No bonding. At all. No buns, and I do mean NO buns. For years. and years.

So we're finally clearing out the basement. The basement she's been avoiding. For just cause. Lots of boxes. Today she comes across the box with all the medical bills associated with THAT DAY. $6,000 for a helo flight from our court to the hospital because, well, we knew he was dead but you had to be sure, right? That there was no chance he'd be back? So you pay it.

But it's with us today. That day will never, ever go away. The stats are that 9/10 parents that loose a child divorce within 6 months. I guess we made it longer than that, but the ultimate outcome is the same. We've been to every professional, She is angry and bitter, I'm accepting and understanding.

So, I guess, after all that, I don't think it's important for me to understand God's plan. I don't think it's important that I even LIKE the plan as I see it. I just have to TRUST that there is a plan. I fully intend to use the phrase "you motherfucker" when I address God.

I hope he has a good answer.

There's never a good answer when it comes to the loss of a child or anyone innocent. God's got a lot of explaining to do as far as I am concerned.

Hopefully you'll both be able to achieve some level of peace, self loathing solves nothing. Be well. Good luck.

The amount of time spent together after your tragedy is testament to the quality of your relationship, and the strength of your family. As cloudy your days have been since, your sUn shines brightly above, waiting to bring you back to light. Love is far more powerful than death, and you have taken full advantage of that power these years since. Death comes to all, but will live on forever in the hearts of those who remain. You are truly blessed to possess this kind of love.

Aw Sir.
I am speechless.
I cant even imagine it.

Thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

That is the number one "fear" that I try to not "fear". I am so, so very sorry to hear of your loss. I can't even fathom losing my son, but it can happen, sadly enough.
And I am sorry to hear that your SO is struggling so much. I'd probably check myself into a psych ward if that happened to me.
And I am sure you are struggling as well.
And I say this through gritting my teeth and fighting back tears, because I empathize, but all things do happen for a reason. But, alas, that is one experience that would be hard for even me to handle well and accept it as meant to be.
God bless you - your son is with you. ((hugs))

Don't blame yourself either.

As a parent, It's my most terrifying thought...

My wife's family lost her little sister in a car wreck when she was nine. Her little sister was five. Her family lived haunted in that house for fifteen years until my wife moved out and her parents divorced. They still can't discuss it...I respect that.

If I lost one of mine, I imagine I will never know true joy that would be left unmarred by the memory. It would plague me. I doubt I would ever feel complete again.

BUT...twenty years later...after the divorce, my wife's parents are new people. They laugh readily and loud. They bask in our children's glow. They have found their joy once again. I just have to think that if they relied on each other more, maybe sought a professional in grief counseling, they could have found that earlier...and together.

God Bless.

Blame, shame, and withdrawal -- none of it brings him back. You hold him in your memories.

Today you must live, for your daughter. She needs to be held physically, and loved. She deserves a life, despite the death of her brother.

I'm not saying you aren't living for her -- just pointing out the obvious. I do not know what I'd do in such a situation! Devastation is not a strong enough word.

Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

I'm an truly sorry to hear about your loss. I am glad to see you're coping with it on the surface. But your wife may not be able to get past the fact that you seem to be a rock. Maybe she thinks, that you think all of these things about her because you haven't broken down in front of her with your feelings about it. Try talking to her about how you feel about her, the tragedy, and how you know it was not her fault, and that you will always love her and the little one who passed. Talk about the joy he brought into both of your lives. He will always be with you if you think of the joys! I do hope the two of you can get past this. I wish only the best for you and the rest of your family.

Re: On losing a child
 

Have either one of you started divorce proceedings. I hope there's still hope for you two. I will keep you in my prayers and I hope and pray she can forgive herself.

Yeah I'd like to know his answer to a few things as well. Sometimes things just don't seem fair. Hugs.

My friends child died when he was three. There was no warning no indication that anything was medically wrong. He had a single seizure in his sleep and died just like that. I think her marriage lasted a year after it happened. She is now remarriend and pregnant again. I think though that being pregnant reminds her of him even more. Just the other day she was crying her eyes out even though it has been years ago now.

I was close with him also and I can say that there is nothing in this world that truely boggles my mind like the death of a child. I don't understand the point of an innocent life being ended so soon.

I have a picture of him in my bedroom opening a gift at Christmas. He will remain that way forever in my mind as does the question WHY?

My deepest sympathies go out to you..........

Sorry about your loss. I know whatever we post here will never bring back your child, but our hearts and thoughts go out to you and your family.

I am so sorry. Embrace your other children. I can in no way imagine what pain you are feeling, but I know it is something that I hope to never have to deal with. May you find the strength and may you and your wife find each other again, for the sake of your other children.

My sincerest condolences to you sir.

May a powerful grief give way to a new found respect for life, and the ability to channel your energies to those who remain with you and for you in this roller coaster of life we experience together.

You have burdens most will never know. You ~are~ equipped to deal effectively and productively with these situations.

Take care of yourself and those who continue to rely on you.

I will think good thoughts for you and your family often.

You continue to defy the odds.

best,

-bear