What If
 

Well, don't know if this is philosophy. Don't know if this is meaning. Don't know if this is meaningless. Just felt like sitting down and writing and seeing if anything worth while would come from it. Life is... well...good. Got myself a new place to live, got a girl that is going to be my wife, and things are, all in all, looking up for once. But that is down the road. Right now I'm sitting in a YMCA in Hawaii, doing nothing in a place where I know no one. Have to wait 6 months, at least, for my girl to be able to join me out here, and while I am overjoyed at the prospect of things to be, for the time being I find myself asking to many queastions with no answers. What If. What If I didn't have to wait. What If she backs out. What If I die. What If it all works out and I get my Happily Ever After. What If. Some loaded fucking words there. I'm 29 years old, feeling like I'm 50, and spending a lot of time acting like I'm 21. Confused? Me to. So, I ask you. What If? What is the big What If of your life? The one that got away? The one that wouldn't go away? What is your What If? Maybe if we can see everyone else's What If, it will help make the What Is make a little more sense. Maybe I'll look back at this tommorow and ask myself What If I didn't waste everyones time with this mindless bull shit. Life is GOOD. I think of where I've been, and how far I've come, and man, I am fucking kicking ass and taking names. But still, What If?

"What if" is a game of dispair, because you can always "What if" yourself out of happiness, while it never actually makes you happy.

Essentially, it is self doubt rearing it's ugly head.

Do yourself a favor and enjoy the gifts that have been granted you and let tomorrow worry about tomorrow.

Or as someone once said, "Consider the lily's of the field..."

man Seer666, i can completely sympathize with you. i've been in that position... i spent 4 months in a military school that was on top of a mountain in San Bernadino. No visits, 1 public phone for 80 of us, no internet, girlfriend back home.

it's easier said than done, but you've got to let all that stuff go.

your only "what if" should be: what if i take these next 6 months and make the most out of them? (how much can i learn? how much better physical shape will i be in? how can i treat my girl like a queen even though she is miles away?)

like i said, i've been there with those same life-altering issues on my mind. PM me if ya like. Good luck.

Well, I do what I can to let her know how I feel whenever I can. Settling into the new command really takes a lot of time. I have a whole new job to learn, a whole new batch of people to deal with, and a whole new enviroment to get used to. My big fear right now, I think, is what if in the prosses of getting things ready for our new life, I end up not giving her enough attention and she no long feels like waiting? Well, I guess if nothing else, this will be a great durability test for us.

Second guessing is not productive. Try to focuss on the things you know for sure and the things you set as your goals. People will go towards what they're looking at.... make sure your pointed in the direction you want to go.

Seer666,

If I've learned anything in my life, it's that you should share such feelings and thoughts with the person you love.


Best of luck!

Funny thing that love does to you.

When you are alone you feel invincible. You feel like you can never die. You don’t even think about dying, failing, or staying in one place. Life flies by and you enjoy the rush. Then love comes along. Suddenly every moment counts, failure stops being an option. Time becomes the enemy. You become conscious of yourself and your actions, because you are living for two now. Yah love does that to you.

Lebell is wise....

Lebell speaks truth....

Seriously, fuck what if. That's for writers of fiction. Life is to be lived, make your decisions and run with it.

As for marriage, I used to think that there is only one girl in the world for me. Now being married, I know that I could have married a variety of women and could have been happy. It wouldn't be worse or better, just different.

Quit doubting your self, or fate for that matter.

Focus on what you can control. If you can't distract yourself with that, then think about all the decisions you could have made in the past that would have eliminated the opportunities you have now.

Well, to address a few posts at once, and, BTW, thanks for the replies and input, I need and outlet for this stuff, and I just don't know anyone where I am at to have an outlet.
First, off, I do share my feelings with her, as much as I can. She means the world to me. There just seems like so much going on at once right now, that it is, well, overwhelming. Fear and doubt are fucking killers. I try to fight them off, but well, I've never had what you could call a truely happy view of the world. Looking on the bright side of things is still an exersize in will power for me. Used to be I would just sit down and write a poem about my woes, and get the demons out thatway, but writers block has been a friend of mine for years now. So, now, it's annoying the nice, and sometimes no so nice, people like you all that helps me power out my issues. So, I play with my fear and doubt till I've find an angel that I can use to over come it. Maybe it's just emotinal masacisim. Love is a real fucking bitch. Amazing how something so damn good can fuck with you so damn bad. But, I'm still carryin on. One foot in front of the other. I think this is the point I'm supposed to say something cleaver to bring this all to a nice clean ending and sound oh so witty and smart, but I'm just to damn tired right now, so, if you think of a good comment to fill in at the end of it, feel free to let me know. Maybe I'll use it at the end of my next pointless rant. :)

What if you never had any "what ifs" in your life? What if you never had that bit of wonder at what might have been?

I don't advocate spending all of your time dwelling on the past, on all those things that you missed. But I think that "what ifs" provide a certain amount of enrichment to our lives. They provide a bit of mystery and a reason for introspection. And, for me especially, they provide motivation for the future.

I can't say that I wouldn't trade any of my "what ifs" for the certainty of knowing what might have been, but I can say that I wouldn't trade all of them.