Just a little short story I'm working on

[SnotGoblin]

Just would like to have your guys input. I write differently. Kinda choppy like. So please bear with it. Any suggestions/input welcomed.

Here ya go...

Working Title---Diary of a Madman or Seiral Killer





I am Evil. I watch you when you don’t know me there. I am the shadow in your mind. I lurk behind you while you pay for your groceries. I watch you sleep. I walk with you down the street. I am the Valley of Death.



Sharon was my first. I had watched her for about three weeks before I got her. I was just hanging out at Grimily Park, feeding the pigeons on a warm summer day. Lost in my thoughts, I saw her. Her long brown hair, shimmering skin, and the most perfect smile. She had her, although I didn’t know it at that time, her boyfriend. They seemed to be enjoying the cool breeze that was blowing that day. I was doing the same. That smile . . . yes that was what first hooked me. It was the kind of smile that you see in movies. You’ve seen them. I’m sure. The kind of smile after it has been digitally enhanced to be so perfect that it makes your eyes squint to look at it. Yes . . . it was the smile. I watched them go down to the pond to walk along the path. I just couldn’t bear to see her go. I had to follow . . .


After getting her work schedule down, since people are sooooo predictable, I could go in and out of her house at will. It wasn’t hard. Some people think that it is. Just buy yourself any uniform that looks “official.” Most dry cleaning spots have them. They want to get rid of these unclaimed, or lost, clothes taking up space. I can help. So I get my official looking uniform. Nothing special, doesn’t matter.

Oh her house. The way the place was infused with her smell. The place mats so placed with care. The drapes neatly tucked. The closet so organized. I touched nothing of course. But the smells and the sights were all I needed. I would soon, and enough get to touch. One thing of particular interest to me was her bathroom. My, the colors. Pastels, hues of gray, and little specks of gold, exploded into my eyes. I must say that I was impressed. But alas, I have to leave. Can’t miss my appointment with her at lunch?

She of course, was eating at Bill’s Sidewalk Café. She was on time as usual, and having her grilled cheese, burnt of course, with a side of pickle and chips. Diet Coke, hold the ice. I love the way she eats. The way she neatly places her napkin in her lap. Her little sips of her soft drink. Her feeling the crispness of the pickle. The way she loves the smell of the burnt cheese.

Tonight would be the night.

I thought that this would be a time for a celebration. My wait was almost over. I had already prepared four days ago, so I knew all my ducks were in a row. I though a treat for myself would be in order. Reward for all the hard work I had done over the past three weeks. I’m sure you understand. So this evening, for my treat, I went to Grimily Park, and walked the path where I had first saw her. Remind myself of that first day. Ah, the memories.

I let myself in the back door of her house again. I had been practicing on how quietly I could open it. I closed the door and checked my watch. 2:17am. I can hear her shifting in the bed.
No worries though, she does that all the time. I stop by the kitchen to grab a bite of her lovely chilli dip. Did I mention she was a good cook? I forgot that. Sorry.

As I am standing beside her bed, my thoughts are filled with pride, my heart is filled with joy. . Oh, her smell! It’s intoxicating! My work is almost complete.

[Unsung]

Creepy. Reminds me of some dark movie.

[TanteMegs]

I agree with Unsung, really creepy, but in a good way. You have a way with the visionary stuff, you feel like,you are actually doing what is being said. Very well done, hopefully more is to come.

Megs

[SnotGoblin]

Thanks for the comments guys. More to come.....

Here ya go.


Oh, but I have to take my time. No need to rush is there? I wish I had brought my camera. She sleeps so beautifully. The way her eyes flutter like a butterfly in the wind. I hope it is a good dream. Maybe of me? Her soft hair so relaxed upon the white pillow. Ah, she is wearing her little pink nightgown! Oh me this is perfect! I had hoped she would wear that on our special night together. She thinks of everything . . .

I pull my knife out. It’s sharpened edge shimmers in the soft light of her bedroom. I walk beside the bed and look down upon her. My pride is so overwhelming. I think that I might weep. Oh, her little mouth has opened just slightly opened. Those most exquisite teeth! I lean down, and with my tongue, taste her teeth. Oh sweet breath. She uses this very sweet smelling mint toothpaste. Keep the teeth clean you know. She squirms slightly but does not wake. Yes, it is time.

Oh, the ecstacy! The horror in her eyes when the knife first penetrated. The cute squirming. Did I mention that I tied her hands? Oh, don’t believe me? It’s true. You can move people slowly in their sleep. Try it with your significant other. You will be amazed how much you can move someone without them waking. Back to our topic, she didn’t scream nor, cry out for help. She knew her fate just as I did. I stabbed her 47 times. Wait, maybe, but it was 52. I can’t remember. I was much too intoxicated by her eyes staring back at mine while I completed my work.

Now you may think that I am some sick psycho that might have had sex with her. Or better yet, masturbated on her dead corpse. What do you take me for? I’m no sex crazed fanatic who gets his jollies off on that. I take life. Pure and simple. Rape and necrophilia are for the amateurs. They have nothing better to do I suppose.

Damn, I really wish I had brought my camera. This is definitely a “Kodak Moment.” But I do need a souvenir. Something to remind me of her and only her. Something that I can look upon in my basement that will bring back my ecstacy of this moment. I take her two front teeth.

[J.R.V.A.]

Wowwww!!! very good. Gave me chills

[SnotGoblin]

Thanks!!!

[SnotGoblin]

Sorry for the long delay..changed jobs..states and computers!!

I wish you could have seen the headlines. "Horrible Murder Last Night in Crescent View!" "Crescent View Rocked by Last Nights Stabbing" "Community in fear over killing!" On the 11 o'clock news it was so funny. They had some hot shot reporter standing in front of Sharon's house. His hair in that hilarious "flip over" to cover his bald spot. Like we couldn't tell. He was saying the same old song and dance about the "shocking" and "brutal" murder that had took place there the night before. He made me laugh.

Down in my basement, I had hung a portrait of Sharon I had took of her when she was eating at Bill's Cafe. Her beauty still infused me. I placed her teeth on top of the frame. I sat back in my recliner and glowed in her presence. Slowly rocking myself to sleep.

I awoke to find that it daylight. Upon checking my watch, the time was 8:36, I decided it was time for a shower and then a bite to eat. I rise out of chair and head upstairs to the bathroom. As I was walking across the den I heard a rap at the door. Awfully early on a Saturday for someone to be visiting. I open the door to find to my utmost delight, the hot shot reporter! Flip over oh so right.
"Mr. Barton,( I should have took my last name off the mailbox a long time ago.) my name is Jeff Swanson from WKPT News 6, could I bother you with a couple of questions pertaining to the recent murder that happened in our community."
"Uh, sure, why not."
"Mr. Barton, what, in your view, caused this tragedy?"
"Well, Mr. Swanson, I believe that this is yet another example of the sick and perverted youth that are the slime of our community. The scourge of the resources that this community provides. It's...it's just appalling."
"I see, Mr.Barton. So in your opinion, you think this crime was perpetrated by a young person?"
"Absolutely. Without a doubt. I see them running around like wild animals in the community without regard to us law abiding citizens."
"Thank you for your time, Mr. Barton."
"You're welcome,sir. Oh, if I could add one thing, they should hang the man who done this."
"Thank you again, sir."

I wonder if he saw the subtle grin? You've seen it. That little smirk that you give when you said something that you shouldn't? I closed the door and burst into one o the most guttural laughs I have had in many a year. Tears were running down my cheeks. Ah, that's the second time he has made me laugh.

[vonstalhein]

Quite atmospheric, pretty enjoyable. I'm still not quite sure how 'he' got into the house in the first place...maybe i'm obtuse. Otherwise, keep going. I want to read more!