How do you politely avoid a handshake?
 

Here's the dilemma. My wife and I are not cleanliness freaks, but we are both very careful about washing our hands, especially before eating.

Therefore, we both find it highly frustrating when someone in a restaurant extends a hand and wants a handshake, which may be well-intentioned, but ruins our cleanliness. We have taken those handwashing packets with us and the handwashing gel. Neither one of us trust the cleanliness of a public restroom, so it's not a possibility to simply wash up again in the restaurant's restroom.

My wife is especially frustrated because she was raised to believe that a gentleman NEVER extends his hand to a lady, although a gentleman never refuses a lady's hand. So, what's up with all these clods sticking out their hands to shake my wife's hand?

Is there a polite way to simply refuse a handshake? What would you do or think if someone refused?

I have a running gag with my co-workers . When ever ANYONE offers his hand for a hand shake , I say ' Flu and Cold season ' and make the hand shake motion 3 or 4 inches away from their hand , making sure that I do not make contact with said hand .

You may think this is gay ... BUT LET ME TELL YOU . I have not had a cold or the flu for over a year since I adopted this practice .

Try it you'll like it .

I don't see the problem with washing your hands again. Just don't touch anything until you sit down again. And if you need to pull the washroom door open, put on a glove, or grab some paper towel.

As to what I would think if someone refused to shake my hand, I would think that the person didn't "approve" of me. Which would make a situation very awkward.

scratch your ass immedietly before theyre gonna reach out and try and shake your hand...

or just say something about you or a family member having a weak immune system... and that you need to be very careful about picking up germs...

I've said this before and I'll say it again.

<i> You need to introduce germs into your body in order to build up a resistance to them. </i>

Sterilizing your life to hell and back isn't going to help you one bit, it'll just insure you get sick more often. I'm not trying to grate on you, but I see this everywhere and people wonder why they get sick all the time. I've avoided the sterilization of everthing nearly all my life, and in the past 11 years I've only been majorly ill twice.

Anyway, I would just explain to the waiting handshaker that you're just about to eat and just finished washing your hands. If they're your friends they should understand.

i say just wash your hands again.

it's better you do that rather than send the wrong signal to somebody.

but that's just me.


otherwise, keep your hands in your pocket or somewhere they cant see them.

or get 'em dirty w/ food, nobody would wanna touch them then!

Or could get over it. I mean no offense but really I think you are just being oversensitive. In our "must wash hands any time you as much as look at yourself in the mirror of a bathroom" society we tend to go over board. I personally prescribe to more of the George Carlin "was your hands when you shit on them" philosphy. But thats just me. And for the record I have not gotten sick in years. The worst I ever get is allergys but what are you going to do?

I salute people.

It's stupid, I know but I never get sick.

You could always bow, that would probably retract any handshake aimed at you. When I want to keep my hands clean but not wash them ever other minute, I pick one hand and use that one, keeping the other clean.

lol

Sorry for saying, but your reasoning seems a little over the top. Anyways, one way to avoid a handshake is to tell people what you've written here. That should pretty much eliminate any future handshakes.

Marco and World's King, thanks. I appreciate the heartfelt help, and we'll give it a try.

i understand, because i am the same way. but since im just a teenager this doesnt really come up. marcopolo's suggestion is good, and i dont think any one would be upset or offended if u said that

Normally, we use utensils, so there really isnt much need for absolutely clean hands when eating.

Hmmm. See the thing is I personall think the problem. The REAL problem IS your outlook. That will always hold you back more then anything. I mean I can understand if the person has dirty hands. Or excessivly sweating. Or some sort of smell. But to never touch anyones hands ever? Or even before you eat. I personally think that is over the top and pointless. You don't have to change it to my liking. It dosn't effect me in any way. I am just saying that is a nice solve all solution and there is really no reason to do it. Regardless of popular feelings the chances of a germ going from their hands onto yours onto your fork onto your food into your mouth (or whatever your personal fears are) is slim to nill.

Was sorta my point.

Never met anyone with this concern before.

That two people who share this concern should find each other tells me that maybe there is fate or cupid after all.

I would really like to know a bit about your wife's views on handshakes. In particular,
a) what she feels is offensive about a man extending their hand to a woman?
b) what is her advice/attitude in business situations, where the handshake seems to be an essential start to any introduction?

I really don't mean to pry or change your "world view". I think its great that we're all different and a little more cleanliness would do the world no harm at all.

I get pissed off when folks don't want to shake my hand.

Chances are they've picked up worse from pulling out their chair and handling doorknobs. So it irrates me when folks shrug off shaking my hand, and then wipe their filthy ass noses in the next breath.

I'm a clean guy and if I extend a hand in greeting chances are I've washed it since jerking off.

If you don't want to shake hands, that's your perrogative. Just explain why nice and politely. I'm sure that'll get you out of most social snafus.

Next time, I'll cater my responses for your approval, ok? :rolleyes:

I sincerely hope this isn't a veiled attempt at comparing me to a Nazi.... :mad:

I know you didn't want criticism when you created the thread, and if it had been in the advice forum you probally would have had nothing but helpful comments.

Although I don't really agree with your level of cleanliness, I have had to turn down a few handshakes from people that I'd rather not touch. I just tell them straight out that I'd rather not shake hands. When you do this though, Make sure you start the conversation or you'll get that long awkward silence. To avoid end conversation handshakes act like your in a hurry and keep distancing yourself from them. Sometimes its unavoidable though and if they mean anything to you then its best to just shake hands.

a side note.. the antibacterial gels don't kill virii, since they were only created to kill bacteria. I used to keep that stuff all over the place and used it all the time until I learned that it did not 1.)clean my hands, 2.) kill ALL germs.

I like to keep my hands clean also. It seems to some like I have a Pilate complex (constantly washing of the hands) especially when I have to actually get them dirty. One job I had to work with carbon, and I'd wash my hands every 2 hours and everyone around would get a good laugh because they knew there was more work to have in the day and it would get dirty again.

Q: if you don't like handshakes, how do you feel about hugs? Most of my friends like the hug and kiss...

'I'm sorry, I'd shake your hand, but I have a cold'

'tis true... hard for people to conceptualize... the bombardment of "anti-baterial soaps" and the like have given germs and bacteria a bad rap...

some bacteria is beneficial and NECESSARY... you can't run and hide forever... nature in it's infinite wisdom created a wonderful balance to things...

She is a VERY private person, and keeps all her medical maladies to herself, and I follow her wishes. Therefore, she's not going to tell everybody, "I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand because I might die from it depending on where your hand has been." And it's a little pointless to hear from others how we should just pick ourselves up by our bootstraps, get over it, and smother our bodies with dirt and grime. Not gonna happen.

She is also very concerned about using other people's pens and pencils, so I keep a pen in my pocket that no one is allowed to use. Therefore, when someone hands her something to sign, she grabs my pen out of my pocket because she knows it's clean.

I got a PM that suggested when we see someone coming to our table, we should grab something off the table (glass or utensil) so that our hands are filled with something and we are unable to shake hands.

And I really like Marco's suggestion.

Sorry if I sounded grumpy in the "pissed off" reply, but it was an honest reaction.:p

... i that case.... i retract much of my response...
forgive my assumptions... *soft smile*

I say just couch all over your hands as the dude is approaching and make sure he sees you doing it.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by warrrreagl
[B]

She is also a VERY private person, and keeps all her medical maladies to herself, and I follow her wishes. Therefore, she's not going to tell everybody, "I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand because I might die from it depending on where your hand has been." And it's a little pointless to hear from others how we should just pick ourselves up by our bootstraps, get over it, and smother our bodies with dirt and grime. Not gonna happen.

If it's a matter of life and death you may want to look into thinking of her wearing cotton gloves. My Aunt who just recently passed away had a rare skin disease and could not come into contact with most everthing,yet the gloves worked well to fend off any further risk. It may prompt people to inquire why she is wearing them,but then again,if it's a matter of life and death,who gives a shit.

Here's my advice: when they go in for the hand shake, press your thumb onto the top of your bladed hand so there is no space left. Without that thumb to hook on to, you can't grab their hand to shake it and at most they can grab your sleeve. It's realy funny.

I feel the same way. I'm not anal about any of that stuff like some of my friends. I have gotten sick once this year. That's a lot less than any of my friends that are anal about washing their hands. Immune system is there for a reason! And, to boot, amazingly, it adapts to situations! Go go human body.

As a police officer, sometimes it's just not safe to accept an extended hand. You never know what the person has planned for you after they've grabbed your hand. As a rule, when I'm in uniform, I try not to shake hands. Of course this is a flexible rule depending on the situation, but for safety reasons, I don't shake hands with some I don't know (while working). Most people take offense to it when they extend a hand and I say "I'm sorry, I don't shake hands", but at least I'm going home at the end of the night.

I do apolgize if I came on to strong before. I was unaware of your wifes condition for obvious reasons. But really at this point I think there are two things you can do, depending on how well you know the handshakee (or whatever). If its someone you've never seen before/will see again or only see once a year or something then your best bet would be to follow fhqwhgads advice. Which is to say... just refuse it and don't worry about offending them. If they take the mear act of your refusal personal thats their problem not yours. Now on the other hand. If its someone who you see on a fairly regular basis then I would say actully tell them you don't for medical reasons. I mean you don't have to go indepth or anything. you can tell them exactly that verbatim if you want.

From what I have acertained, it's a good thing that you and your wife are so like minded, because you'd hate each other otherwise. coming from a fairly decent pysch educational background, I'd say two things. One, anyone who "handicaps" themselves from normal societal conventions, such as shaking hands, due to an inordinate concern of germs might have an obsessive/compulsive issue coming on. I wouldn't give in too much to your fear of germs, just wash your hands before you eat or touch your face or mouth. The people who need to observe this the most are medical professionals, and it seems to be working for them fairly well. The other observation is this: if you are going to throw your hat into the arena of common ideas and exchange of opinions, you would do well to temper your responses to more hospitible tones. The image of you being a bit obsessive might only be reinforced by your hostility.

It amazes me how many people are posting after warrrreagl's explanation that apparently must have skipped over it or something to still suggest the "germs are good for you" approach.

To be honest, I believe that as well - and that's why I didn't post here earlier - but this is an entirely different situation.

Thank you for explaining warrrreagl, it turns a situation that - to most - at first glance seems odd and makes it perfectly understandable.

That said, my best advice would be to just offer some vague explanation - "Sorry, I don't shake hands to stay clean" should be good enough, but for people you're closer to and more comfortable with, perhaps something along the lines of "Sorry, I don't shake hands for health reasons"

warrrreagl, I want you to know I'm inspired by how much you've obviously turned your life inside-out for the woman you love. That's so cool. Thanks for sharing it with us.

with a kick to the shin and a swift uppercut. works everytime.

have to agree with secretmethod on here..

although I am not really sure why you have so many responses to your question that basically told you, "I know you want to do it this way, but it is <b>better</b> this way." although after hearing about your wife's condition I am glad you take precautions.

I must say I think I liked the flu season ones myself ;) i usually feel awkward (spelling?) whenever shaking a girls hand... reason, I never know if the girl wants to a) shake hands, b) hug, c) don't touch me, or I will mace your ass..

so, i usually wait till the person gives me a signal.. if i see others giving her hugs or she comes up for one, she gets that, handshake if she starts to extend her hand, and nothing if i dont notice anything :)

tell them you would like to shake t heir hand if they go for it but tell them that you have a broken finger... it worked when i did have the broken finger, for months

I saw the suggestion to keep your hands in your pocket and to have something in your hands. Both of those were suggestions I would have made.

If you want to alleviate the social repurcussions of a refused handshake (or lessening the "rudeness" towards the other person, in other words) my suggestion would be to maintain eye contact and speak directly to the person while saying your goodbye.

Do a lot of nodding, smiling, and maybe speaking fast to keep the focus on one another's face--but don't avert your eyes to the extended hand (which you know is certainly "down there"). At least this way you'll just be thought of as socially inept as opposed to rude without having to take a ridiculous long time to keep explaining yourself to acquantances and strangers (I'm assuming your friends are aware of the situation and your feelings--if not, it's probably worth the time to explain your views to them).

Like others have said, be extra friendly nd refuse politely on health grounds. Be open if they ask exactly what (if you are comfortable with it). Make up for the fact that they might feel offended in other ways, eye contact, smiling etc or an offer to buy a drink or whatever is suitable in that circumstance.
If you know people that can take a joke, just say 'No thanks, you probably touch yourself with that hand...' and grin :)
Good luck dude.

i know this is an oldie, even before my time, but i thought id bump it..

in some middle eastern cultures men and women dont shake hands. sometimes its hard to figure out who does or doesnt shake hands.

what i do see sometimes is that when someone does come in for the handshake, and the other party does not want to shake hands, the person that does want to shake hands puts their right hand on their chest/heart. it basically means, im really sorry, but i dont shake hands. no party gets offended.

i find it amusing when this is used in the west though.

wonder how warreeaagl has gone with the no-shake policy in the last few years

Yeah, your bump made me look this thread back over, and wonder how things have changed since the H1N1 flu pandemic. Not shaking hands became kinda normal last flu season, at least around here.

Fuck that. I got "the swine flu" (or maybe just the regular goddamn flu which was JUST AS BAD THAT YEAR) without even leaving the house that, uh, month. I realize this says worse things about my life than it does about germs, but the point still stands. Germs are far more pervasive than we can possibly fight, no matter what MERSA-creating antibacterials we slather all over ourselves and our belongings.

Also, you know what's worse than shaking hands with someone? That awkward hand-dance you do a few seconds after meeting someone. The one where both parties try to evaluate if this is a situation in which they are supposed to shake hands. And sure, the guy's telling you his name, but all you can do is look at his hand from the corner of your eye and go, is he gonna do it? ARE WE GOING TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN?

By the time someone actually commits to a course of action, I think I'd feel like a massive jackass to be like, "No thanks, I don't want to get your whore's disease." I mean, they just went through EMOTIONAL HELL to decide whether or not it was a socially acceptable time to extend a hand, and you basically just told them that no, it was NOT socially acceptable to extend a hand. They fucked up again! Back to Social Etiquette 101 for you, buddy, because I just can't be sure you wash after you take a steaming dump!

These are all personal preferences, though. I avoid the issue altogether by never being the initiator.

A couple of months ago one of our salesmen took another job. When he came to my cubicle to say goodbye, I extended my hand, but he wanted a fist bump. After a moment I realized he didn't want to shake hands...so I fist bumped, which I hate. I guess that's one way of not shaking someone's hand.

wow, that'd irk me like no tomorrow GG.

id have given him a fist bump..to the head.

ok maybe not, but thats what id have thought.

When the arthritis in my hands is flaring up I simply tell people my hands hurt.
Then I give the person a polite nod & smile.

I don't know how different cultures view winking at people.
Palin has forever ruined winking for me, though.

ok i mentioned this about a week ago in post #39.

looks like the First Lady, Mrs Obama just had a run in with muslim culture...if only she was on TFP and had read this thread!

Indonesian MP causes uproar with Twitter comments on Michelle Obama handshake | News.com.au

Well, that would have won the award for most asinine thing I've heard this week if it wasn't for that other...thing...(don't want to derail the thread).

should she have known better?

she's married to a 'muslim' after all isnt she?

a little bit of research into a culture you've never come in contact with would have been handy. At least a heads-up from Mr Obama himself since he spent a part of his childhood there.

what excuse should he have pulled? "sorry, but ive got a cold"?

That's a joke right? I mean, maybe he should have known better. Sexism is sexism, religiously sanctioned or not.

Why should she have to accept his societal standard that he not touch women he isn't related to; why shouldn't he make the exception and grant her the same respect he grants her husband, by her own cultural standards?

Well, he could have been honest and said 'My religion prohibits me from touching you', but that would have made him look foolish, which he is.

Yes, not necessarily her fault for not knowing. She should have been prepped on customs, etc.



Depends who you ask about that one. ;)

that was a half joke really. she is in his country after all. when in rome...

if you go back and read my original post #39, would notice how i remarked how i find it amusing when this sort of issue came up in the west. it happens a lot, and a lot more than you may think.

But I dont think telling someone that your religious obligations dont allow you to touch women is foolish. Its a two-way mirror. It probably seems foolish from the other side too.

It may seem strange in the west, but its very common to have a clash of cultures in places where cultures meet, especially here in the UAE. Ive seen many men (mainly young English men) meet muslim women and hug and kiss them not knowing that its a social taboo to touch the opposite sex. These guys are usually new to the country and have no idea about local customs. Should they have known better? yes they should. Should Mrs Obama have known better? given the level of power she's in and the access to this sort of information? the more i think about it, yes.

---------- Post added at 01:16 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:12 AM ----------



im sure she's got enough advisors that would have done their homework for her. surely someones going to get the sack for this one.

Well at least she didn't wave at him with her left hand and show him the bottom of her feet at the same time. She didn't, right?

I know when my ship would pull into overseas ports we always had to take a "local customs course" or we could go on liberty. But by the time we been on the town for a few hours most of us forgot most of what we learned. Maybe she was briefed and forgot or simply thought "fuck him, I'm not a second class citizen anywhere." Either it doesn't look like he was too upset or applauded by the contact.

If I don't want to shake hands, or if I'm just in the mood to be me, I bow.

I interview sick people all day long with all kinds of illnesses. I've perfected avoiding the handshake. My hands are always in my pockets, and if I'm not wearing slacks I'll put something in my hands to avoid making contact. There's a lot of nodding and smiling. If someone is adamant I'll say I've caught something and don't want to make them ill.

Cough into your hand as the person is extending theirs. No one wants to shake a germy hand.

Better question, how do you fix a really weak handshake? I hate when people give me a limp wrist or a super soft touch when I am trying to shake hands. It gives me the heebie geebies

I would just tell em straight up i dont want to shake their hands because _____________________ (give your reason). Just do it politely, honesty is sometimes the best policy.