a pattern of being talked over in conversation

[high_jinx]

for as long as i can remember now i've been irritated by a recurring theme in my social interactions with any more than one person besides myself at a time. i'll have a comment or thought or anecdote to add to a conversation and i'll wait till whoever's talking to wind down and attempt bring up my piece. but then when i do, either one or several of the people in our conversation will steam roll over me with something else, to the point where it sounds like i'm stuttering and then i finally give up and shut down. a lot of times i can hit a streak of this and although i don't blame anyone for it, it can bring me down.

i'd like to think this happens to everyone and i'm just not aware of it, but i'm not sure about that. i don't seem to notice it happening to my other friends. i'm pretty sure it's not a matter of me being boring and i know it's not because i talk too much, i'm pretty succinct and self aware of how long i take to say things.

so i guess i'm wondering if this has happened to any of you and if anyone has some analysis or tips to help prevent it. thanks in advance.

[ZombieSquirrel]

THIS HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! I hate it.

I'll want to add something to a conversation but the "overtalkers" take it over and new topics are generated so by the time you have a moment to interject, it's not relevant anymore.

I was raised to never interrupt or talk over people. It's polite. I also feel it makes me a better listener. It seems as if people don't really listen. They just want to talk.

So I don't like talking to people because, well, they're rude. I'm sure I have been rude and talked out of turn or interrupted, but I try really hard not to do that.

I fear I may come off as quiet or shy (which is not the case) in some social situations because I don't like fighting for talk time.

[genuinegirly]

Yep. It sucks. I typically take it as a sign that they're not interested in what I have to say. If it happens too frequently, I'll usually get frustrated enough to find a new crowd.

Then again, here's something else... there is someone that I spend a lot of time with at work who has told me that she feels I talk over her too much. The fact that I hate dealing with that crap, and realizing that I was doing it to someone else, really hit home. I do my best to hear her out completely and not attempt to interject whatsoever. Sometimes it's difficult because I view her as a close friend, and with my close friends from childhood, we jump in, finish each others sentences, and otherwise try to make audible cues that we are paying attention to what the other is saying. With this one from work, she views these things as distracting interruptions and an attempt to derail the conversations - I don't want that. I've had to figure out how to communicate my interest with enthusiastic nods and other body language - it's difficult to change my habits. I view it as adjusting to a minor cultural difference (southern polite vs. outspoken Californian).

My grandmother was a special woman who could get everyone in a crowded room to stop and listen to every word she had to say. She was a patient woman, one who thought out her words precisely and only spoke with eloquence - and a whisper. It was an incredible process to observe.

[Nepenthes]

I grew up in a family of interrupters. They are also loud talkers. The strategy I use is to make eye contact with the person that I want to have hear what I have to say. I then make it look like I am about to say something, but hold back, as to not interrupt.

I make a conscious effort to not interrupt, but I speak a lot louder than most.

[RogueGypsy]

I'll just get this out of the way first, it may read a little rude, but needs to be said. Maybe, you're just not as interesting as you think you are, succinct and aware do not a conversation make.

Now, let's go to hypothetical world. Since you're a member of TFP I'll assume you have an IQ above room temperature. Maybe your friends don't. Maybe your well thought out, intelligent additions to the conversation just go over their heads and without understanding, they have no response and move on.

Maybe your friends are just attention whores. We all know some; people who just can't shut-up or listen to anyone else. Either step up your game or find new friends.

Or make it a form of entertainment. I know a guy, we'll call him Ed as in 'Special Ed'. He knows everything, really, just ask him. Trying to get a word in with him around is nearly impossible. At first it's just annoying, but soon becomes really, really ridiculous. It quickly got to the point where no one wanted to be around him, so he found new friends. His new friends are exactly like him. Ever see a group of people talking, all at once, basically talking too themselves. Because they're all having a different conversation, trying to out do the everyone else, who in turn are doing the same thing? Yeah, it's 'special'. But entertaining. Sometimes a group of use would stand back and observe, then make bets on who would out do whom. The last one to speak wins.

It probably does happen to a lot of people. It's just about how you handle it.

I'm going to step out on a limb here and say, you probably aren't an Alpha. Most Alphas, when talked over, will bitch slap the offender, verbally or physically and bring the conversation back to them. -By the way, the 'Shift' button is on the left.- If your conversation is as 'mousy' as your post, your lack of confidence will negate anything you have to say in a group right off the bat. Put a little emphasis in what you have to say and let it demand attention. That doesn't mean shout, or talk over others. But say what you have to say with authority and people will listen, regardless of content. A confident voice, just slightly lower than the surrounding conversation, yet loud enough to hear, will silence a room. People hear the tone and if the tone commands attention, they will stop talking to hear what's being said. Tone is beyond my scope of abilities to convey over the interwebs, so listen to others as they speak and emulate those who command the attention of a room without shouting or talking over others. Look for the guy or gal that stops conversations just by saying 'Hi'.

There's so much more to add, but I'll let some others step in and add to the conversation.....................




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[Shauk]

I hate it, happens to me a lot at work. Not a fan of being the odd one out in a 3-5 way type conversational circle.

[thesurgeon]

Absolutely agree with you there Gypo, it's not what you say - it's the way that you say it.

[Plan9]

I probably shouldn't even talk in this thread.

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I had a pretty isolated childhood and didn't learn how to talk with people until I was a screaming army guy. It probably shows.

I don't necessarily step on conversations, but I expect a certain tempo from people when they're talking. Don't verbally traipse.

[high_jinx]

thanks for the input everyone. nice to know where the shift button is and that i'm not totally alone...


i'm not an alpha; you got that right. but i'm far from the bottom of the totem pole either when it comes to backbone. the friends i'm speaking about in this thread often remark that my conversation and insight is a highlight of their friendship with me. on top of that i come from a theatre background and i have a degree in english. that's why i get perplexed when this phenomenon happens.

i think the idea of me being an intent listener has a lot of merit here, because i am one. maybe i get in my own way somewhat because i have a hair trigger when it comes to listening to other people... so i clam up too quickly. that's some good food for thought, and i think a much better option than worrying if i'm just not that interesting to talk to... that'd be a pretty slippery slope for the ol' self esteem.

[Plan9]

Be assertive. Having a piece of paper that says English Degree and coming from a theater background won't help you if people think you're a pussy.

Actually... that might enable it.

If you have something to say, interject it into the conversation in a manner where it will be noticed by your audience. If your peers are Vikings, you're going to have to be loud. Stay with the tempo of the conversation. It's like dancing; you have to stay with the tempo and direction of travel.

But don't talk just for the sake of saying something; don't verbally tread water. And don't be like me: glib, garrulous, gauche and a cartoon.

Nobody likes that.

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You don't have to be educated to have charisma. Just look at Hollywood.

[Lasereth]

You need to talk louder. It's that easy. Wait until it's an opportune time to talk and start the sentence with a firm, confident, loud (but not overly loud) voice. If you start off with a soft demeanor then those bastards who interrupt people will just talk over you.

One more tip: if someone DOES start talking over you, keep talking, and increase your volume until you're yelling if you have to. The very few times I'm talked over, I do this, and it gets the message across real fast to the jackass who did it.

[snowy]

Originally Posted by ZombieSquirrel

THIS HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! I hate it.

I'll want to add something to a conversation but the "overtalkers" take it over and new topics are generated so by the time you have a moment to interject, it's not relevant anymore.

I was raised to never interrupt or talk over people. It's polite. I also feel it makes me a better listener. It seems as if people don't really listen. They just want to talk.

So I don't like talking to people because, well, they're rude. I'm sure I have been rude and talked out of turn or interrupted, but I try really hard not to do that.

I fear I may come off as quiet or shy (which is not the case) in some social situations because I don't like fighting for talk time.

I'm sorry My apology is for you, ZS, and for all of the other people I talk over. I know I do this, but I think part of it is because I come from a loud family of overtalkers. My husband says my family scares him because we're so noisy.

I try to listen but my hearing is not the greatest in situations where there is a lot of background noise. Talking is easier for me than listening in certain places, so I tend to dominate conversations at times. I always feel bad for doing it afterward, and my husband doesn't help. He regularly upbraids me when he feels I've talked too much.

I definitely consider this one of my greatest flaws, and I am always always always trying to fight it and not fall into my bad, bad, BAD habit of talking over other people.

high_jinx, I think 9er got it right: you have to be assertive if you want to be heard, and realize that most people are terrible listeners. Listening is a skill that most people don't cultivate. I've been trying for years to cultivate it, but I still feel like I fall far short of the mark.

[RogueGypsy]

I'm a little confused, theater background?? Does that mean you ran a projector in High School?? Every 'theater' person I've ever met was the biggest attention whore in the room. Are all of your friends from a 'theater' background too?

Try this next time someone starts talking over you. Slowly look around the group, making eye contact with everyone. Then suddenly look up past them, point and in a surprised voice say "NARWAL!" That will bring any conversation to a screeching halt and give you a chance to make your comment. Just about any 'off topic' or unusual statement will work. It will also work if stated as a question. Something like "Chicken?" or "Hooter?". Hooter is very effective.

In any event, if you're confident in your ability to converse and your friends indicate that they enjoy your conversation, then it all comes down to presentation. IF it is really bothering you, simply be more assertive. In one on one conversation that's not normally necessary, but in a group you have to command attention if you want to be heard.




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The 'shift key', makes little letters BIG.


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[Redlemon]

I also listen far more than I talk, but I've gotten to the point where I prefer to listen. I recall I was once staying over at a friend's house in Brooklyn, NY. Over breakfast, he, his brother, his mom, and his dad were all speaking simultaneously about four different topics. I think my brain would explode if subjected to that for any length of time.

[DRP976]

Listen more, talk less.

[ZombieSquirrel]

Originally Posted by snowy

I'm sorry My apology is for you, ZS, and for all of the other people I talk over.

No worries. It happens in a lot of social situations I'm in.

I don't understand why everyone assumes it's a confidence thing? Why is the solution to talk louder? If you know me IRL, you know I do not lack confidence or am meek. I just think it's rude. People don't seem to have a conversational rhythm because all people want to do is hear themselves talk. Since this is my viewpoint, I don't talking louder would help.

[jewels]

Sometime they'll listen; sometimes they won't. If I make a small effort and the chatter doesn't ease up, I like to think they wouldn't get what I had to say anyway and pretend to keep listening to their boring drivel. Or walk away, depending on my mood.

Sorry, but I wouldn't take it personally. Sounds like their issue, not yours.

[Zeraph]

Happens to me sometimes. My theory is volume and depth of voice. Whoever has more wins. Just talk louder and see how that works. Honestly give it a try. You don't have to speak annoyingly loud the whole time, just for the first few words to grab their attention.