Living in a new city - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

joemc91 · 12-28-2005, 06:47 PM

When I moved to this city, I really tried to make the best of it. I went out at least once a week, even when nobody else was around, in an attempt to meet people. The first few weeks went well, what with the new grad students moving in. I met a nice group of girls from whom I got most of their numbers. Unfortunately they never returned a call. Oh well. One week I met two new students, one from the UK and the other from Iran, but forgot to get their contact info. Stupid me.

My job generally keeps me from meeting people my age and definitely doesn't have me working with the same people every day, so it's not like I can form a work crowd to go out with. I do have some friends from college here, but they don't know anybody here either and live 30 minutes away to boot.

I have tried meeting people through one of my roommates who works at the nearby university. Unfortunately, she is very reluctant to invite us along to go out. Usually it is us who invites her. We have however met two of her coworkers, one of whom I dated for a short while. Unfortunately, after our last (in my opinion) very successful date she just stopped responding to me. I guess in retrospect it wasn't that successful. That, however, is a topic fit for a whole other thread, so I'll just drop it there.

To put it simply, my problem is that although I have lived in this city for six months already, I still do not have any real friends here besides my roommate and a few people from college. Even after joining a rock gym, regular gym, going out to pub crawls, coffee shops, etc I have had very little luck meeting people. I am sort of shy, but open up quite a bit if someone takes an interest. I also don't have trouble approaching people as long as I've got a reason and I'm not interested romantically (then I just go stupid).

When I went home for a short Christmas vacation, being among my family and friends, I realized how lonely I am out here. For instance, if you were to add up all my conversations, I have probably only talked for a total of five minutes today. Every day I feel myself losing my old sense of humor and becoming more pessimistic. This isn't me. I have always been optimistic but lately have had a lot of trouble looking up, at least when at home. Any recommendations on how to meet some people in a city in which you know almost none?

Sage · 12-28-2005, 07:39 PM

Start talking to as many people as possible in a day, and start frequenting the same places over and over again. That's how I did it when I found I didn't have *any* friends in my town other than Martel. We just started going to the same places that held our interest over time, and we talked with the people there over and over again. That's how we met our big web of friends- we like going to the games/comics store, and we started talking to the guy behind the counter, met the regulars, and now we're regulars! Making new friends can seem like a LOT more work than you're used to, because it's easy to make friends when you're in school but a lot harder when you hit the "real world".

Just be your chatty, upbeat self, talk to everyone, and call home a lot until you find your "nitche." Don't be discouraged if it takes a while- eventually you'll find your place!

ohohoh- another great thing- look in the paper (or the independent paper if your city has one) and see if there's listings for free activities during the week. I know the Ashville independent paper has a GAJILLION listings for free things during the week- religious stuff/new age stuff/dog walks/volunteer ops/discussion groups/book groups/gallery openings/ etc etc etc. Just start making an effort to go to one or two a week until you find something that you really like. That way, you'll have a new fun thing to look forward to, with a whole new group of people who like doing at least one thing you like. I'll bet it will be easy to find some friends that way!!

Seaver · 12-28-2005, 09:16 PM

Quote:

I am sort of shy, but open up quite a bit if someone takes an interest.

This stuck out to me. A good friend once asked me, what's one thing that everyone in the world has in common? They all like to talk about themselves.

While at your rock climbing/etc groups, just be a nice guy and talk to everyone. Ask them how long they've done it, families, etc. Dont just completely ask questions, but let them do most of the talking. It may take a while but friendships will develop.

Cities are vastly different than small towns (lived in both a number of times). In cities people only have a select group of really close friends. In towns people have LOTS of friends, with only 1-2 "best" friends. So getting into that "group" in cities can be more work than in a town, but just be nice and friendly and it wont be too difficult.

12-28-2005, 06:47 PM	#1 (permalink)
joemc91 Insane Location: Chicago	Living in a new city When I moved to this city, I really tried to make the best of it. I went out at least once a week, even when nobody else was around, in an attempt to meet people. The first few weeks went well, what with the new grad students moving in. I met a nice group of girls from whom I got most of their numbers. Unfortunately they never returned a call. Oh well. One week I met two new students, one from the UK and the other from Iran, but forgot to get their contact info. Stupid me. My job generally keeps me from meeting people my age and definitely doesn't have me working with the same people every day, so it's not like I can form a work crowd to go out with. I do have some friends from college here, but they don't know anybody here either and live 30 minutes away to boot. I have tried meeting people through one of my roommates who works at the nearby university. Unfortunately, she is very reluctant to invite us along to go out. Usually it is us who invites her. We have however met two of her coworkers, one of whom I dated for a short while. Unfortunately, after our last (in my opinion) very successful date she just stopped responding to me. I guess in retrospect it wasn't that successful. That, however, is a topic fit for a whole other thread, so I'll just drop it there. To put it simply, my problem is that although I have lived in this city for six months already, I still do not have any real friends here besides my roommate and a few people from college. Even after joining a rock gym, regular gym, going out to pub crawls, coffee shops, etc I have had very little luck meeting people. I am sort of shy, but open up quite a bit if someone takes an interest. I also don't have trouble approaching people as long as I've got a reason and I'm not interested romantically (then I just go stupid). When I went home for a short Christmas vacation, being among my family and friends, I realized how lonely I am out here. For instance, if you were to add up all my conversations, I have probably only talked for a total of five minutes today. Every day I feel myself losing my old sense of humor and becoming more pessimistic. This isn't me. I have always been optimistic but lately have had a lot of trouble looking up, at least when at home. Any recommendations on how to meet some people in a city in which you know almost none?

12-28-2005, 07:39 PM	#2 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	Start talking to as many people as possible in a day, and start frequenting the same places over and over again. That's how I did it when I found I didn't have any friends in my town other than Martel. We just started going to the same places that held our interest over time, and we talked with the people there over and over again. That's how we met our big web of friends- we like going to the games/comics store, and we started talking to the guy behind the counter, met the regulars, and now we're regulars! Making new friends can seem like a LOT more work than you're used to, because it's easy to make friends when you're in school but a lot harder when you hit the "real world". Just be your chatty, upbeat self, talk to everyone, and call home a lot until you find your "nitche." Don't be discouraged if it takes a while- eventually you'll find your place! ohohoh- another great thing- look in the paper (or the independent paper if your city has one) and see if there's listings for free activities during the week. I know the Ashville independent paper has a GAJILLION listings for free things during the week- religious stuff/new age stuff/dog walks/volunteer ops/discussion groups/book groups/gallery openings/ etc etc etc. Just start making an effort to go to one or two a week until you find something that you really like. That way, you'll have a new fun thing to look forward to, with a whole new group of people who like doing at least one thing you like. I'll bet it will be easy to find some friends that way!! __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi Last edited by Sage; 12-28-2005 at 07:41 PM..