Dysfunctional Family Circus
 

Pardon the length, but I gotta rant on this one...

My wife is a paralegal for a lawyer in the city we live in... One of the things she does every morning is check the court schedule to make sure that none of their clients are on there without them knowing about it. So, she's going through the list on Monday and sees her 19 year old sister on there for misdemeanor larceny. She was charged with stealing about $340 worth of clothes from a department store in the mall. The night before, we had gotten a call from her asking where to park for the courthouse because "her friend had a speeding ticket" that they wanted to take care of.

So, my wife calls her mother to make sure that she knew, and of course she didn't. Her sister had never fessed up about it. When confronted, of course it was her friend that did it, she was just there and didn't stop her (of course.) Both their MySpace pages are littered with comments as far back as two months talking about how much they love all thier new stuff, how they can get away with stuff nobody else can, comments about calling each other "Fingers", and saying how they hope they never had to see a pair of handcuffs. She's still denying it all outright. She even went so far as to say that the Fingers and handcuffs things were just inside jokes for something else. I was like, what, for being kinky lesbians or something? She even tried to tell me that she wasn't lying when she talked about her friends speeding ticket... SURE you were telling the truth... Your friend had a court date for a speeding ticket the same day as your appointment for larceny!

The thing is, her mother is basically covering for her. She's still not admitting that she's done anything wrong, and the mother isn't pressing the issue. Hell, they're going on a trip to Dollywood tomorrow... Gee, how's that for punishment? They're both keeping it a secret from her father, but thank god my wife told him. What's weird is that the dad isn't doing anything about it, either. He's waiting until the sister and mother go see the lawyer on Monday (my wife got the case continued) and he's just going to show up since he works downtown and act like he found out that way.

Seriously, what the hell is going on here? Am I the only sane person left? The second that happened, my parents would've dragged my ass out of my room, grilled me about it until I cracked, then grounded my ass for a year for trying to cover it up. It's not so much the stealing stuff that's the killer, it's the fact that she tried to cover it up, and is STILL LYING about it, even after she got busted for it. The mother is acting like there's some grand dramatic reason for trying to keep it a secret from her dad, but I can't fathom what it is. The guy is one of the most laid back people I know... He caught us in some pretty comprimising positions and didn't try to kill me or anything. His reaction when he found out about her stealing the stuff was "Why the hell would she shoplift? She's got my damn credit card!"

I just can't fathom what's going on in these people's heads... I mean, since when does keeping this sort of shit a secret EVER work out well for anyone? I'm trying to convince my wife that trying to act like she didn't tell her dad is just as stupid as her sister not fessing up in the first place, but she's not listening... I'm half tempted to just stroll in and let everyone know that everyone else knows what's going on. I'm definitely getting the "You're an outsider" vibe from everyone, though, and am getting a bunch of crap for treating the sister like she's lying (which she is).

Again, sorry for the rant, just needed to rant to someone... :crazy:

She is an aduly legally, and you and your wife had no business telling anyone else, family included, in my eyes.

You're being treated like an outsider because you are one. Obviously their family does things differently than yours did/does, and if that's how they want to go about it you just have to sit by and let them. You can't tell her parents how to do their parenting, obviously you think they've done something right as you married their daughter.

How do you know she's lying? The court hasn't even decided that yet. She could be telling the truth, even if it doesn't sound like it.

Ahh, families.

I sometimes think that families behave in this fashion because it's easier than having to face the fact that there might be something seriously wrong.

The one thing I would be hesitant to do, though, would be to waltz in and blow everyone's cover. That might get all the shit out in the open, but then you'd give them a perfect scape goat for all their problems. I could only imagine things getting worse for you if you did that.

She's got a history of blaming things on her friends... She stole my wife's car in the middle of the night a few years ago (while she was still living at home) and ended up driving it into a ditch half a county away. She got a ride home from friends before we found the car, and denied knowing anything about what happened to it. She said she had walked up the street to a friends house earlier in the night, and that the car was there when she left.

After finding the car in a ditch down the road from the home of a boy she liked from school, though, she finally fessed up, but said that it wasn't her idea to take the car, it was the other girl's. Regardless of who had the idea, it doesn't take a rocket scientist, even at 14 or 15, to say "Gee, we probably shouldn't steal my sister's car."

So yes, technically she COULD be telling the truth, but given the track record, I highly doubt it.

As people earlier mentioned, this probably is none of your business... and I mean this in a positive way. It's good that you care and all, but it's just a thing that her family has to cope with. Any outside interference will end with them trying to protect each other even more. There isn't much you can do about it. In fact, I believe the more you get engaded in the whole issue, the more new problems it will generate.

It sounds like she has a problem, and most likely needed a few more spankings as a child, but so what? Nothing you can do about it, just let her slide into her own oblivion and don't give her keys to your house.

Tough to ignore it. Depending on their relationship, your wife could become very involved in her sister's issues which brings you right into it. Ignore it and you're doing what they're doing: Pretending it'll go away.

Don't know enough to suggest anything but to be supportive of your wife. If you know a good doctor or counselor, or someone who might know someone who could relate or help... you know the drill. Do the guy thing and provide your perspective. If it helps, great.

She's a legal adult, I'm not sure why anyone feels it's necessary to get involved. Does she still live with them, do they support her? If so, then yes, I would think they have a right to know. Otherwise, I would tell them I'd take care of it myself.

Especially in this case, where you know she did it, the odds favor a penalty. If someone does something stupid like steal, and then something else stupid like not even get a lawyer, or ask for help with getting one, then they're just helping to thin the herd for us.

Yeah, she still lives at home with her parents... Doesn't even have a job, either, which makes me wonder how she was planning on paying court costs and such. She's basically been babied her entire life... Trust me, if she were out on her own and supporting herself, I wouldn't have thought twice about shutting up about it.

I don't really get the whole "none of your business" thing. Granted, I'm not a real member of the family, but it's just plain wrong to lie to family members like that. If I know about it and don't tell, I'm no better than the ones keeping the secrets. The fact that each party knows, but the other party doesn't know they know is just muddying the waters. At this point, all I'm really looking for is some confirmation that I'm not completely crazy for thinking they're all crazy. :)

the webs we weave when we try to decieve.. I think that's how the adage went....

I'd be distancing myself from those individuals as much as possible.

Analog, you're saying her sister should ignore what's happening? That's a very strange attitude to me. Do you have siblings? Whether the twit is a minor or 80yrs old matters not. As a spouse, I'd be backing and suggesting whatever I'm able. Sure, there are limits. I won't quit my job. It may not be received well, and there's always a time to let the girl/woman work on herself. But people often do need help. Even if it's just the message that people are there if/when she wants them.

Get engaged. Society is full of otherwise wonderful folk sitting on the sidelines.

Actually there are alot of people that would call that unusually cruel punishment! :D

Well, they're southern... I don't hold it against them. ;) God knows it'd be cruel to me, though.

Some mothers are very protective of their children and will do anything not to face the truth that their child messed up. My grandmother is the same way with my uncle. He has been in jail multiple times for DUIs and is an alcoholic. He is in his 50s and still living at home and can't keep a job. He is always drunk. However, my grandmother still insists that he has stopped drinking. This is even when he is sitting there drinking a beer. She is the same way about my cousin who got put in military jail for drug problems. Of course he never did drugs and was framed by his ex-wife. And let's forget about his expulsion from high school for the same thing. She has put herself in debt and spent all of my grandfather's retirement money on bailing the 2 of them out of jail.

What is even worse is that my dad, who is the best of her 3 sons, is the black sheep of the family. He can never do anything right. And I am the one always asking for money. I find this funny because I have never asked anyone, not even my mom, for money. And I have been pretty broke from moving and being unemployed.

Families are dysfunctional. I have learned just to laugh it off. And of course move half way across the country to get away from them. :lol:

Whoa. Down, Bacchanal! Back! Back, I say!
 

Whoa. This post comes across quite hostile in my eyes.
Actually, I've researched this a bit and his wife is within the law on what she did. The case was brought to her law firm, she wouldn't be allowed to discuss the court case once trial precedings had begun (however, I doubt it's going to trial). Also, if she lives under the house in which her parents reside with her then I believe the parents do have a right to know.
Ok, first of all, he married into the family, so therefore, by law, he's not an outsider. Since the younger sister is a legal adult then she should have acted like one and not even been involved in any part of the shoplifting, and it sounds to me that she knew it was going on, for more than just the fact that on her Myspace.com profile they were even thoughtless enough to brag about it.

Actually, free speech amendment covers that one - he can speak his mind as long as he is within the law. There is nothing preventing him from expressing his opinion. He can speak how he feels, what he thinks is right and wrong to his in-laws, his wife, and anyone else.
Whether or not it was her friend, she's still liable because she knew it was happening and didn't stop it and (allegedly) was involved enough that she was brought up on charges. By the way, Misdemenor Larceny is a Criminal Misdemenor and since she is an adult - depending on which state she lives in - could receive up to 5 years in prison and a $5000- $8000 fine plus restitution for the items stolen on top of court fees.

I will admit that I, as well anyone not a part of this family, are hearing only one side of the story and we really weren't there to know exactly what, and how [it], happened. Fair enough. Regardless, this is just what I know of the law and the opinion I've formed with the information I've been given.

I certainly didn't mean to sound "hostile", I was just offering my opinion.

Nobody ever said where she lived, her employment status or anything of the sort. Had he said she lived with/off her parents I wouldn't have thrown out the "she's an adult" thing, because obviously she isn't, even if the law says so.

As far as him being an outsider... with how his parents-in-law handle their children he is an outsider, and that's all I was trying to say. Sure, he married into the family, but that doesn't give him the right or privilege to tell anyone but his wife how to handle their children.

I still stand by my "she might be telling the truth" statement, however unlikely this one side of the story makes it sound.

"Innocent until proven guilty" and all that jazz.

No no, i just didn't know she was fully supported by her parents, at 19. That's why i said this:

Since the answer is yes, that's that. They have every right to know.

It was only the way it was interpreted. Fair enough.
True. There should be more information given. :) I agree with you that she, in any way other than age, is not an adult.
I see your point much clearer now. However, the parents seem to not really care much either way, sadly.
Fair enough. I would love to hear an update on this one as soon as possible. Along with some of the blanks filled in about where she is living, working, etc.

I can relate, in one fashion or another to your family's fabulous ability to relate and care for one another.
My dad just turned 50 a few months ago, has lived at home with his parents for most of my life. Granted, he fought in court to gain custody of me against my alcoholic mother (and won), and tried to give me a life of comfort. Also, he graduated from his junior college as Salutatorian of his class, as well as remaining employed during certain times of my youth, all while raising me. However, these things wouldn't have been ultimately possible without the help of his parents/my grandparents, and over the years he's rationalized doing less and less. He has felonies from before he gained custody of me so that is a big reason as to why he now doesn't hold a job.
My grandparents (although my grandpa complains about it) have done nothing but supported him and me each and every year since I was 4 (22 years now) by giving him a place in their home, food, etc. as well as countless thousands of dollars during this time.
He shows his gratitude by maintaining one of their four homes, landscaping and cleaning, however, every so often (when we're on the subject) he talks about being the executor of his parents estate (since his older brother passed) as if he's the one who gets it all and then decides what he wants everyone to have. :rolleyes: And yet, his parents still support him financially.

Me? I work, attend school, and try to live within my means, however, it's not easy at times and though my grandparents have helped much more than they should, they are still reluctant to help me at times.

I really would love to know and understand the rationality of helping someone who won't help themselves but yet, hesitate at someone who shows that they are responsible, trustworthy, in need of a little help. :rolleyes: :lol:

Some family's help until they can help no longer...it is one of those things that remains a mystery, I'm sure.

I know where you're coming from on this. My brother has done some really stupid things and gotten in trouble with the law. MOST of the things happened after he was 18 but a few happened while he was 17 and still at home. After the first while when my parents called me to tell me all about the trouble he was into and I found myself helpess and stewing about it I eventually told them to not share any information not necessary for me to hear. I still end up hearing all about stuff but I'm not drawn into the fights and problems half as much. I still care about my little brother but at this point, for my health and my own family (husband and child) I need to let my parents deal with his problems as they see fit. I do not think my parents are nearly as strict as they should be, they are much more forgiving and bail him out of trouble way too often. BUT unless it is seriously harming my parents it is not my business. So I TRY to stay out. The temptation is always there but I am getting better.

I think you and your wife absolutely did the right thing telling the mother. Your wife was looking out for her sister, and you're right, you don't lie to or mislead family about serious shit like this. Consequences will surely come sooner or later for behavior like this. Sounds like this little girl isn't going to stop until she is behind bars for something.
You are not an immediate family member, and unless someone is in immediate physical danger, I wouldn't go over your wife's head on anything that has to do with her immediate family. You can't win, and you are then possibly at odds with your spouse -- bad for you.