Why the lie? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

joemc91 · 07-15-2005, 10:18 PM

If the title is misleading, sorry. Today I just found out that my ex-girlfriend had broken up with me not because she was worried about med school and the long distance thing, but because she had started seeing a guy at home two weeks before we had broken up. I feel horribly betrayed. I know it would have been hard anyways, but the lie just kills me. I have had to break news like this to a friend before, and while it isn't easy, it's the right thing to do.

Besides that, although it sounds pretty pathetic, she was my first girlfriend and even worse my first kiss. Yes I'm 22, it's depressing to say that, but it's true. To have my first relationship end like this is just wrecking me right now. The wierd part is that I didn't feel bad about it until I found out about the 'cheating' thing.

My question is this: why lie to me? To make the let down easier on me? Because no, the let down is much worse to find out I have been lied to by someone I truly trusted. My personal opinion is that this let down is easier for her, to fake herself into thinking she wasn't hurting me.

Cynthetiq · 07-15-2005, 10:23 PM

the lie wasn't for you.. it was for her...

still betrayal is still betrayal period.

Daniel_ · 07-15-2005, 11:35 PM

Nasty.

She lied to keep herself from telling you a bad thing, because it would be harder for her to do, is my guess.

Your pain was at ssue, but only in as much as she didn't want to faace up to wat she'd done.

Hope it gets better - tere are other women out there, I'm sure one of them is right for you.

Play the feild for a while - it might turn out to have been worth it.

Also - if your GF was cheatig on you, get an STI check.

Rodney · 07-18-2005, 06:21 PM

All of the above. She didn't want to face the fact that what she did would cause you pain. So she lied.

Men are encouraged to be assertive, women are encouraged to be "good" and avoid conflict. So when you can't _be_ good, because of something you've done, you have to at least _appear_ good. So you lie.

No excuse for it, of course. Most women eventually ignore the "good girl" trap, but sometimes that comes later, and of course some never do.

CityOfAngels · 07-18-2005, 08:04 PM

The thing that gets me is this: Their excuse for lying is "I didn't want to hurt you!" It's like, "Well hey, you hurt me worse than you would've hurt me if you told the fucking truth!"

Sorry, it's just I feel for this guy. Yeah you can tell him to move on, and that's the best thing he can do for himself. But pain is pain, and I wish I could tell him how to deal with that. It sucks.

alec · 07-18-2005, 09:32 PM

first off, im sorry about what happened. ive been in similar situations (just a year ago), being 21 and in my first real relationship. its hard to come out of it unscarred and OK, especially when youve been through something traumatic like you have.

give yourself time, people (especially girls) to hang out with, depressing music, upbeat music, good food, good times, etc. to make you remember that life goes on, and will probably get a lot better in the near future

genuinegirly · 07-18-2005, 09:56 PM

I've done that to a guy... well, not quite that drastic but pretty bad.
I fooled myself into thinking that I had broken up with a guy one weekend (it didn't get through to him, it was over the phone and I wasn't direct enough), and the next weekend I slept with this friend...
big mess. major regret on my part. Hurt feelings all over the place. It's not pretty. It's very wrong. And you don't have to blame her, because trust me, if she has any concience whatsoever she will be secretly beating herself up over it - you don't need to remind her or dwell on it yourself.
Just write it off as "thank goodness I didn't get hitched to this hoar" and move on.

Ustwo · 07-19-2005, 07:58 AM

Dude (and I'm 35 years old but this requires me to say Dude), you don't know how lucky you are.

Sure she fucked you over, and it hurts. This might not sink in now but, you my friend have the best pickup line in the world, you are going to be a doctor. You are going to be free at school (yes its a lot of work but don't let anyone fool you, you still can party, and because of the pressure the parties are equally intense).

You have only had one relationship, you learned a lot, you know what you are looking for, you can upgrade free of guilt.

pinkie · 07-19-2005, 10:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cynthetiq

the lie wasn't for you.. it was for her...

.

My thoughts exactly.

It's called being spineless.

streak_56 · 07-20-2005, 08:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cynthetiq

the lie wasn't for you.. it was for her...

still betrayal is still betrayal period.

Could not of have said it better myself.

Sugarmouse · 07-20-2005, 12:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ustwo

Dude (and I'm 35 years old but this requires me to say Dude), you don't know how lucky you are.

Sure she fucked you over, and it hurts. This might not sink in now but, you my friend have the best pickup line in the world, you are going to be a doctor. You are going to be free at school (yes its a lot of work but don't let anyone fool you, you still can party, and because of the pressure the parties are equally intense).

You have only had one relationship, you learned a lot, you know what you are looking for, you can upgrade free of guilt.

i have to say this is so true i feel.u arwe wiser now.and u will be more wary now.but dont become bitter!!

she lied for you aswel i beleive she didnt want to hurt u.if she had have told u...it may have been for the wrong reasons ie to rid herself of guilt of lying..she couldnt justify it -but this all depends on what type of person she is and this i do not know.

shake your hands and start out again..and be happy

Johnny Pyro · 07-20-2005, 01:08 PM

Even though lying is wrong, the truth hurts. She just didn't want to hurt you as much as the truth did. Long distance doesn't hurt as much as she found someone else. Thats why the lie. Spare some feelings.

TM875 · 07-20-2005, 01:37 PM

The future's gonna be rough, at least for a little bit. You're gonna have to fight feelings of inadequacy and distrust. This same thing happened to me.

Yes, it's been a year, but the little inside pain twinge is still there. Don't get me wrong - I don't want her back (hindsight is 20/20, isn't it?) and I certainly am not upset about it being over (I might have ended it soon, or at least let it dwindle), but the anger stems to how she did it. Just started dating another guy, without telling me. It's cowardly and cruel.

And that's the real reason she did it. She was afraid to tell you - too scared to face the truth. And, in the end, the truth will almost always surface.

The hard part now is not to let all the little emotional quirks shoot into your head like I have. It's difficult to keep the little man in your head from asking "So why wasn't I good enough?" or "Why should I try this with anyone else? It failed the first time". Like I said, even after all this time it's still hard for me. There's still the underlying distrust of people, wondering if they're being truthful, if they really like me or just putting up with me, and if I have any real friends at all.

All of this, just because she couldn't have been truthful from the beginning.

The "spare some feelings" line is crap. It doesn't spare any feelings. Lying like that destroyed an already frail psyche. For your sake, JoeMC, I hope you follow UsTwo's advice (my god, I'm agreeing with him...

). Try your best to enjoy what college has to offer. Party like there's no tomorrow, enjoy life, and remember the moments that matter most. If all else fails, find trust in yourself and who you are. Be who you want to be - don't try to go around impressing people or trying to get people to like you. Allow them to become your friends by allowing them to become your friends, that is, don't force it. In time, another girl will come into your life, and by that point you should be more worldly, be more knowledgable, and be a better human being. In the end, you'll realize how lucky you are to be able to see the dark side before the light and you'll be even more grateful for the loving person that you'll eventually end up with.

joemc91 · 07-20-2005, 10:36 PM

Hi everybody, thanks for the advice. It seems everybody assumes I'm going to med school. Actually, I am out of school and have a sweet job as an airline pilot, she's the one in med school, that's why she said she was afraid of the long distance thing. Anyways, it's not like I'm not going to try again for a while, I figure the best thing to do is get back into dating immediately. Just like after having an accident driving or flying, you've gotta get behind the wheel before you get too scared to do it again. Unfortunately I have always sucked at meeting women and even more so at getting them to go out.

You're right about those emotional quirks TM, they really get to me, even with trying to silence them. The only thing that really helps is working (because if you think about anything else, you're behind the plane) or talking to other people. The problem is when I am home, especially at night, I just feel like crap and can't help thinking about it. All in all though, I am slowly getting over it and I should be back to normal next week.

Mugzy6 · 08-07-2005, 06:54 PM

No matter how much people say they lie to protect someone else's feelings, it's to protect themself from what they see as the hassle of having to deal with your feelings. Because, as bad as it sounds, towards the end of a relationship when you want to break up with someone dealing with them can be a bit of a hassle. Sometimes you just want to break free of them and be happy.

07-15-2005, 10:18 PM	#1 (permalink)
joemc91 Insane Location: Chicago	Why the lie? If the title is misleading, sorry. Today I just found out that my ex-girlfriend had broken up with me not because she was worried about med school and the long distance thing, but because she had started seeing a guy at home two weeks before we had broken up. I feel horribly betrayed. I know it would have been hard anyways, but the lie just kills me. I have had to break news like this to a friend before, and while it isn't easy, it's the right thing to do. Besides that, although it sounds pretty pathetic, she was my first girlfriend and even worse my first kiss. Yes I'm 22, it's depressing to say that, but it's true. To have my first relationship end like this is just wrecking me right now. The wierd part is that I didn't feel bad about it until I found out about the 'cheating' thing. My question is this: why lie to me? To make the let down easier on me? Because no, the let down is much worse to find out I have been lied to by someone I truly trusted. My personal opinion is that this let down is easier for her, to fake herself into thinking she wasn't hurting me.

07-15-2005, 10:23 PM	#2 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	the lie wasn't for you.. it was for her... still betrayal is still betrayal period. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

07-15-2005, 11:35 PM	#3 (permalink)
Daniel_ Evil Priest: The Devil Made Me Do It! Location: Southern England	Nasty. She lied to keep herself from telling you a bad thing, because it would be harder for her to do, is my guess. Your pain was at ssue, but only in as much as she didn't want to faace up to wat she'd done. Hope it gets better - tere are other women out there, I'm sure one of them is right for you. Play the feild for a while - it might turn out to have been worth it. Also - if your GF was cheatig on you, get an STI check. __________________ ╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗ Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air, And deep beneath the rolling waves, In labyrinths of Coral Caves, The Echo of a distant time Comes willowing across the sand; And everthing is Green and Submarine ╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

07-18-2005, 09:56 PM	#7 (permalink)
genuinegirly Eat your vegetables Super Moderator Location: Arabidopsis-ville	I've done that to a guy... well, not quite that drastic but pretty bad. I fooled myself into thinking that I had broken up with a guy one weekend (it didn't get through to him, it was over the phone and I wasn't direct enough), and the next weekend I slept with this friend... big mess. major regret on my part. Hurt feelings all over the place. It's not pretty. It's very wrong. And you don't have to blame her, because trust me, if she has any concience whatsoever she will be secretly beating herself up over it - you don't need to remind her or dwell on it yourself. Just write it off as "thank goodness I didn't get hitched to this hoar" and move on. __________________ "Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq "violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

07-19-2005, 07:58 AM	#8 (permalink)
Ustwo Pissing in the cornflakes	Dude (and I'm 35 years old but this requires me to say Dude), you don't know how lucky you are. Sure she fucked you over, and it hurts. This might not sink in now but, you my friend have the best pickup line in the world, you are going to be a doctor. You are going to be free at school (yes its a lot of work but don't let anyone fool you, you still can party, and because of the pressure the parties are equally intense). You have only had one relationship, you learned a lot, you know what you are looking for, you can upgrade free of guilt. __________________ Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

07-18-2005, 06:21 PM	#4 (permalink)
Rodney Observant Ruminant Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town	All of the above. She didn't want to face the fact that what she did would cause you pain. So she lied. Men are encouraged to be assertive, women are encouraged to be "good" and avoid conflict. So when you can't _be_ good, because of something you've done, you have to at least _appear_ good. So you lie. No excuse for it, of course. Most women eventually ignore the "good girl" trap, but sometimes that comes later, and of course some never do.

07-18-2005, 08:04 PM	#5 (permalink)
CityOfAngels Oh shit it's Wayne Brady! Location: Passenger seat of Wayne Brady's car.	The thing that gets me is this: Their excuse for lying is "I didn't want to hurt you!" It's like, "Well hey, you hurt me worse than you would've hurt me if you told the fucking truth!" Sorry, it's just I feel for this guy. Yeah you can tell him to move on, and that's the best thing he can do for himself. But pain is pain, and I wish I could tell him how to deal with that. It sucks.

07-18-2005, 09:32 PM	#6 (permalink)
alec Insane Location: Washington DC	first off, im sorry about what happened. ive been in similar situations (just a year ago), being 21 and in my first real relationship. its hard to come out of it unscarred and OK, especially when youve been through something traumatic like you have. give yourself time, people (especially girls) to hang out with, depressing music, upbeat music, good food, good times, etc. to make you remember that life goes on, and will probably get a lot better in the near future

07-20-2005, 01:08 PM	#12 (permalink)
Johnny Pyro Hey Now! Location: Massachusetts (Redneck, white boy town. I hate it here.)	Even though lying is wrong, the truth hurts. She just didn't want to hurt you as much as the truth did. Long distance doesn't hurt as much as she found someone else. Thats why the lie. Spare some feelings. __________________ "From delusion lead me to truth, from darkness lead me to light, from death lead me to eternal life. - Sheriff John Wydell

07-20-2005, 01:37 PM	#13 (permalink)
TM875 Addict Location: Amish-land, PA	The future's gonna be rough, at least for a little bit. You're gonna have to fight feelings of inadequacy and distrust. This same thing happened to me. Yes, it's been a year, but the little inside pain twinge is still there. Don't get me wrong - I don't want her back (hindsight is 20/20, isn't it?) and I certainly am not upset about it being over (I might have ended it soon, or at least let it dwindle), but the anger stems to how she did it. Just started dating another guy, without telling me. It's cowardly and cruel. And that's the real reason she did it. She was afraid to tell you - too scared to face the truth. And, in the end, the truth will almost always surface. The hard part now is not to let all the little emotional quirks shoot into your head like I have. It's difficult to keep the little man in your head from asking "So why wasn't I good enough?" or "Why should I try this with anyone else? It failed the first time". Like I said, even after all this time it's still hard for me. There's still the underlying distrust of people, wondering if they're being truthful, if they really like me or just putting up with me, and if I have any real friends at all. All of this, just because she couldn't have been truthful from the beginning. The "spare some feelings" line is crap. It doesn't spare any feelings. Lying like that destroyed an already frail psyche. For your sake, JoeMC, I hope you follow UsTwo's advice (my god, I'm agreeing with him... ). Try your best to enjoy what college has to offer. Party like there's no tomorrow, enjoy life, and remember the moments that matter most. If all else fails, find trust in yourself and who you are. Be who you want to be - don't try to go around impressing people or trying to get people to like you. Allow them to become your friends by allowing them to become your friends, that is, don't force it. In time, another girl will come into your life, and by that point you should be more worldly, be more knowledgable, and be a better human being. In the end, you'll realize how lucky you are to be able to see the dark side before the light and you'll be even more grateful for the loving person that you'll eventually end up with. __________________ "I've made only one mistake in my life. But I made it over and over and over. That was saying 'yes' when I meant 'no'. Forgive me."

07-20-2005, 10:36 PM	#14 (permalink)
joemc91 Insane Location: Chicago	Hi everybody, thanks for the advice. It seems everybody assumes I'm going to med school. Actually, I am out of school and have a sweet job as an airline pilot, she's the one in med school, that's why she said she was afraid of the long distance thing. Anyways, it's not like I'm not going to try again for a while, I figure the best thing to do is get back into dating immediately. Just like after having an accident driving or flying, you've gotta get behind the wheel before you get too scared to do it again. Unfortunately I have always sucked at meeting women and even more so at getting them to go out. You're right about those emotional quirks TM, they really get to me, even with trying to silence them. The only thing that really helps is working (because if you think about anything else, you're behind the plane) or talking to other people. The problem is when I am home, especially at night, I just feel like crap and can't help thinking about it. All in all though, I am slowly getting over it and I should be back to normal next week.

08-07-2005, 06:54 PM	#15 (permalink)
Mugzy6 Tilted Location: North Carolina	No matter how much people say they lie to protect someone else's feelings, it's to protect themself from what they see as the hassle of having to deal with your feelings. Because, as bad as it sounds, towards the end of a relationship when you want to break up with someone dealing with them can be a bit of a hassle. Sometimes you just want to break free of them and be happy.