Slightly Haunted by this situation
 

I guess I am looking for more validation though I have already told this story to everyone I know. I guess I just want to tell a few more people.

Most of my friend believe I made the right decision and the one that doesn't agree still thinks it was the better of the two choices.

My last ex became a crack addict. This happened in January right under my nose. I didn't suspect anything and then one night she woke me up and told me that she had this problem. I could only stare at her for a few minutes untill the realization of what had transpried hit me. So I bundled her up and took her to the hospital to get help. I agonized over what to do. Before the relationship started the only ground rule I laid was that she couldn't smoke crack because I knew she had tried it once before. I didn't want her to lose her self in and broke the only rule I stated.

After thinking I decided that I still wanted to be with her and would help her through this. She was happy that I stayed and our relationship got better then it had been for the past few weeks. So again I put my full trust into her and after she had been out of the hospital for a few weeks I found out that she had stolen from me and started using it again.

I lost it. I sent her back to the hospital and then sent her back to her family. I believe I made the best decision for myself, but I think back ocassionally and feel like I should have done something else.

I still check in on her every few weeks. She is back in WV bouncing from friend to friend trying to find a place to crash.

I still care about her, but I didnt' have the emotion, physical, or financial resources to take care of her, I can barely take care of myself.

*sighes*

As a former addict, you did the right thing. You got her help, when she decided she didn't want to take the lifeline, you have to step away. There is only so much you can do when the person doesn't want your help. I was really lucky to get out the way I did, even though I really resented my brother stepping in when he did at the time, I know now it was the best possible thing.

You can't run her life for her, sometimes you just have to let people you care about make their own mistakes.

I will agree. I haven't dealt with addiction but I have dealt with other suicidal persons and those with drinking problems. As far as you know she would have drained you emotionally, physically, and/or financially until you were no longer able to help her whether you wanted to or not. You did your part and what YOU were able to handle at that point. Some people may be equipped emotionally to deal with these type of situations better but other's just aren't able to extend themselves as much without causing themselves harm. I hope she can get herself straightened out eventually. Don't feel bad for leaving her to her own devices. She has to know that you did all that you personally could. If she doesn't realize it now she may someday understand.

It may sound sad, but I envy her in some ways. I spent 6 months fighting meth, and no one noticed and those who knew didn't care. Finally I crashed hard and quit cold turkey. My family, my friends, and my boyfriend were all completely clueless and I lacked the courage to tell them that I had been snorting up 3 or 4 times a day just to give myself the courage to step into public.

You did the right thing, but there is only so much you can do. Hopefully when she's ready to come around, you'll still be there for her.

~Liz

not your baggage to pick up and put into your own collection...

i think you did the right thing as well. you did more than most people i know would do, you stepped up and got her help and you were there for her. unfortunately, she couldnt quit and lost a wonderful guy like you in the process. don't beat yourself up over it. you did what you could do.

Axiom_e - I know you feel like you should do more, but this it what is necessary. An addict will rationalize and justify every thing into the ground - no matter how illogical. It is crucial that you don't bend for her. She needs to know that the line has been drawn and it stays solid. That might be the only thing in her world that she won't be able to manipulate. Good for you...

I think you did the right thing. Sometimes you can't save people, and to continue would only make you an enabler.

You absolutely did the right thing . . . I used to try to help people who were not asking for help, and then I ended up feeling hurt and frustrated when I couldn't help them. Needless to say, it took me awhile to learn the lesson that we cannot help someone who does not want our help.

You were smart to get out when you did, it took courage, please don't beat yourself up about not doing more.

As hard as that decision was for you to make, it was an incredibly adult decision. Theres nothing wrong with still caring about her welfare, but as you've said....you made the effort once to help her but after that its up to her. The rest is about you.

Being an adult can suck. sometimes i'd like to resign from its membership too.

Good luck to you and to her.

Thanks everyone.

I can't believe I didn't see sign or I ignored them because I didn't want to believe.
I hope she is still okay, but I have spoken to her in three weeks.
I called her best friend in the area down there and she said that she had spoken to my ex a few days ago.

I hope she is staying away from the substance. I keep telling her everytime I speak with her that she is going to be something and to not give up. I really believe in her...It just feels like she isn't getting a fair deal. I feel like I am the only on in her life that gave her a fair deal.

That stuff is just insidious. I know a guy who was a very successful businessman, he owned and ran a large regional trucking company, worked his ass of and was doing great. Serious "pillar of the community" kind of guy. He started doing crack as a way to get a few extra hours of work in every day. Three years later, he's smoked up his business and his home, and lost his standing in the community, and most of his friends. Last I knew, his daughter kicked him out of her house for stealing her jewelry. This guys is now in his late 60s, living in a shelter, scrounging enough money for the next hit. It's just really, really sad what that stuff does to people's lives.

You did what you did. Was it the right thing? Probably. But don't second-guess. What you did was what you did. You can't let yourself be too attached to someone whose life is headed that direction. You can be sad for her, but you don't have to BE her.

I think you are learning about boundaries. There has to be some self containment - it gives you needed perspective and a chance to be objective in situations that call for it. You have gone above and beyond, and anything further is giving up yourself - as some have said you would become an enabler. I have a son who is in your position and he did everything he could. Eventually his friends, family and his councellor helped him realize that he could only do so much. The addict has to take responsibility.

Good luck to her.

You, my friend, are a fine fellow indeed.

Anyone who has ever had to "write-off" someone near and dear feels like this.

I had a friend (since 1986) with a medical condition and an eating disorder. The condition was non-insulin-responsive diabetes and the eating disorder was that he ate multiple portions of everything. I thought I was being a good friend by encouraging when he lost weight (down to 345 in 1996) and providing sympathy when he ballooned up.

He spent Memorial Day 2003 in the hospital due to a fall, he was 605 lbs at the time and had shrunk from 6' to 5' 9" due to the weight he was carrying. After a long talk with 2 MD and 2 psychiatrists, he finally decided on a gastric bypass. two months after the operation he was down to 535, exercising as best he could, drinking his water, and eating very small portions on a 3-hour schedule. It looks like he was actually going to survive to see 40.

On August 12th 2003 he went on a food bender. The gastric fastener ripped. The contents of his stomach (acids and all) poured out into his abdomen. He kept eating. He eventually got up to go to the bathroom and collapsed on the restaurant floor. They had to transport by ambulance to a trauma center in Tulsa (2 hours from Fort Smith AR) since he alone would have overloaded the helicopter. In the ambulance on the way up they had to open his abdomen and suction out the food and excess fluid or else he would have died in transport.

He suffered acid burns in his abdomen from gastic fluids. While recovering from that he suffered a MARSA infection in his abdomen. He had to file for bankruptcy from his hospital bed. He had to sell almost everything he had to help pay for his treatments and to gain indigent-patient status to continue treatment. I drove back-and-forth from Tulsa to Fort Smith acting on his behalf for over a year since no one in his family seemed to be mentally capable of handling his affaits. For Xmas 2004, we got him brought back to Fort Smith to a long-term care facility.

Back in February I walked in on him watching the Food Network. I had the facility monitor what channels his TV was on when they looked in on him. It was the Food Network about two-thirds of the time. I knew then that he was never going to recover, if he left he'd be back in the hospital or dead in a couple of months. I stopped going there, renounced the power-of-attorney, disconnected my phone, and took the first job transfer out of Fort Smith.

I wish I would have stopped sooner. I wish I hadn't wasted almost 2 years of my life on him. And I still wish I could have done more.

I'm glad to see you left when you first noticed the situation was hopeless.

I talked to her yesterday.

I found out that she was robbed again. She was doing some hard stuff, but not Crack.
She told me she would stop again.
I don't know how to feel about this. I am kinda torn. I don't believe that you shouldn't do drugs, but I do believe that doing them when you are trying to escape or when you are recovering you life is just wrong. There are limits and if you know that you can't handle them You shouldn't press them.

*sigh*