Let Down

[Demeter]

I was inspired by Tiddles' Friend thread to post about something that happened to me yesterday.
Have you ever had a long time friend abandon you your time of need? Or do something unforgivable?
Do you feel betrayed and/or angry?

I needed help from my best friend & she totally shut me out. I have always made my self available to her in her times of need, and she has been my rock through some tough times.
She has a few personality flaws (don't we all, though) that have become worse lately. She will complain, but not follow anyone's advice, and there have been times I have to tell her to quit her whining if she chooses to do nothing about her problems. A friend can only take so much. She has been making very irrational decisions, sometimes putting herself in a situation where people will take pity on her.
Many of us have counselled her on this, and we tell her she needs help. I have even offered to go to a doctor/therapist with her (many many times) &
hold her hand if necessary, but she declines. And the next day she cries & revels in her prediciments.
It has been hard listening to her, but everyone also has their own problems.
I feel like I'm turning into her parent & I have enough on my plate now myself.
I know she needs help, but I cannot take the drama & stress anymore. For years, I have been as supportive as I could be. And last night was the last straw.
Oddly, I don't feel so much like I'm losing a friend, but I'm confused and angry by it.

Anyone have similar experiences?

[maleficent]

She sounds like an Un-Friend I divested myself from a few years ago... It just got to be too much work and too much all about them... The entire world could be collapsing, and if she had a hangnail, that would be the most important thing.

It got even worse when she found a Dr Feelgood to prescribe for her some pills that her regular doctor wouldn't give her. She kept trying new doctors til she found one who would give her pills. There was a fake suicide attempt one night, when she said she accidentally took too many sleeping pills and was going to bed... then refused to answer her phone... She was ok the next morning physically. This woman had more self created dramas and got away wiht so much shit because people bought her act.

She played victim to the hilt, when one person got tired of her crap, there was always the next person for her to tell her tale to-- as long as she was getting attention... she was happy... if she fell off people's radar attention wise, she'd come up with a new drama.

I know she's still out there manipulating people with her tales of woe, but honestly I'm glad it's not me anymore. There's a small part of me, that feels bad that I couldn't get thru to her, but she didn't want anyone to get thru to her because wihtout the drama -- she was ordinary -and we can't have that.

People that high maintenace aren't worthy of friendship.. .cut them loose andif they come back -- great - if they don't -- its not your problem you tried.

[Squishor]

She sounds like my sister - always an earth-shattering crisis, always in need of something right away. The only problem is I'm related to her so I don't really want to cut her loose. She really pisses me off.

[Elphaba]

I have had what I thought were friendships, but they only held "true" if I was doing all of the giving and not expecting anything in return. I am sorry that a best friend has done this to you, Demeter. I can appreciate why you feel angry and hurt.

Today, AIM decided to launch itself and I was pounced upon by a "friend" similar to what Mal described. Long ago, I grew weary of her hystrionics but that hasn't slowed her down any when she has the need to do the "look at me, I'm so special" thing.

Btw, Mal, her hubby has once again started a new con, errr, I mean "business". Yeah, that's what I meant.

[Sage]

(lamenting) oh, K, where have you gone? How I miss you so!

K was my very good friend who just up and dropped out of my life in early 2004. I've spent the past 18 months trying to figure out what the hell happened. See journal for more explination.... *sighs*

[StanT]

These sound like my wife's ex-best friend. She was incredibly good looking in her teens and 20's and could manipulate guys better than anyone I've ever seen. It used to tick my wife off, but you overlook some flaws in friends. As she approached her 40's, her looks just weren't getting the results that she was used to and she was unable to cope with life without someone continually bailing her out. She turned into a disaster of the week queen. My wife and I helped her out several times culminating in a couple week stay at our place where she whined all night, complained about our lives, how lucky we were, and made it impossible to get to work. She moved from our place to a women's shelter and back to our place when she got thrown out (what does it take to get thrown out of a women's shelter?). My wife eventually cut off her friend and won't return her calls. We still talk about "The Houseguest from Hell".

You hate to lose old friends, but this one was better off lost.

[Rodney]

Originally Posted by StanT

She moved from our place to a women's shelter and back to our place when she got thrown out (what does it take to get thrown out of a women's shelter?).

Not much. Most of those places have fairly strict rules of behavior, conduct, access, and so on. Your ex-friend probably broke every one of them and told the staff, essentially, that the rules didn't apply to her because she was "special." That's one way to get the boot fast.

Yeah. I lived with a woman for a couple of years who would subject me to a tirade every night for 90 minutes or so about all the stress in her day. When I told her it was too much, her reply was, "Well, you _asked_ me how my day was!"

So, the next day, I didn't ask her. The pressure built up for about an hour as she waited, and waited, and I wouldn't ask. Finally, she just decided "the hell with it," and started spewing. We didn't last too much longer after that. But she was the first one I was really serious about, and I thought you were _supposed_ to give endless 24/7 support to the person you loved. Not realizing that a healthy person doesn't need that much, and in fact will spend part of the time giving support back to _you._

[hunnychile]

Sometimes being brutally frank (as in: radical honesty" to borrow a phrase) is the best medicine when interacting with people who enjoy being The Victim or Drama Queens.

Yes, this sounds harsh...but it's either that or telling them that it's over because you can't play "shrink" with them all the time and that's not what good friendships are about. We have all been there. I wish I had learned this insight when I was a teenager. Good luck. Try being radically honest about the way this makes you feel, esp. if you believe this friendship is worth saving.

[Sugar&Spice]

I have had this friend for seven years now. We get along really well and share the same views on a lot of things. Whenever she has needed to talk I have been there to listen. Last weekend, I needed her to be there for me as I have been dealing with some things and I really needed support and she acted like it was no big deal and she had to go because she might get lost while driving and she'd call back in a few days. Did she call back? No. I just needed someone to talk to, to reassure me that everything would be all right. And when she finally called back, it was to talk about her problems and didn't even bother to see how I was.

One more story. I don't consider this person a friend anymore. New Year's Eve..my ex-friend and I end up staying overnight at the condo where the party was held. I crashed on the sofa bed along with two other people who happened to be guys. We were all fully clothed and I stayed as close to the edge of the bed as possible. I awake with hands up my shirt belonging to the guy behind me..breathing heavily and grabbing me. I push him away, get up and go get my friend who drove us over. I explain the situation to her, but she doesn't want to leave because she may get to have sex with some random guy again later. So I lay on the freezing cold floor with no pillow and no blanket. I do not talk to her anymore.

[tecoyah]

Friends...as with all aspects of life are ephemeral. Eventually one or the other outgrows the relationship and moves on to something more. Very seldom will someone come into our lives that is permanent, if simply because we all change as we grow. This isnt really a "Bad" thing.....its just the way it is.

[Demeter]

Wow. I hit a nerve here. I guess we are all in the same boat. I'm not even angry today, but still in shock a little. The worst is I work with her, so I can't escape the drama, but I can avoid getting involved.
StanT, she's a real looker & user as well, which I used to put off somewhat to naivte, but I see now it may always have been cool manipulation, and the desire to be the centre of attention.
Thanks, and my sympathy to you all as well.

[maleficent]

manipulators are the lowest form of human life- and that's what all these people seem to have in common

[Seeker]

Originally Posted by maleficent

manipulators are the lowest form of human life- and that's what all these people seem to have in common

Manipulators in this context, yes.. I'd agree. But I don't think that all manipulators are purely this selfish. I have used manipulation for someone's good..

Another discussion? Apoligies for the brief, but finished threadjack!

[Moobie]

Yes I have.

Let her go.

In order to make room in your life for prosperous relationships, you have to let the unhealthy ones go.

Set boundaries, and choose safe people.

[Moobie]

btw, this is pinkie, my husband was logged into my computer...

[ngdawg]

I was friends with someone for 20 years before the little light went on that told me she wasn't a friend-unfortunately it was AFTER I loaned her $800. But the light wasn't the money, it was her need to shoot down everything good in the name of 'honesty'. To wit:
Me: my son's been accepted into his school's gifted and talented program.
She: Oh, they asked if my son could be in that, I didn't want him growing into a nerd.
Another:
Me: Isn't my car fantastic? (after 13 years with the last one)
She: I always thought these things were ugly.
Even in court, where I had resorted to suing her 4.5 years after she ignored my repeated requests for repayment, this was part of the conversation:
She: my son was asked to go to the president's inauguration.
Me: my son was asked to study in Australia, that has nothing to do with this...
She: Oh, every kid gets that.
If ever I needed validation for a decision, that was it.
Life's too short. Negatives are draining.

[spectre]

The one good thing that comes out of these situations is that you find who your true friends are.

I've never told this on the board before, but I feel that it's about time that I did. I had just turned 15, and was diagnosed with cancer. I was given 50/50 odds on survival, and they told me that if I did live through it, I would be a quadriplegic. All four friends knew about this, two were there for me through all of the surgeries, complications, and all of the other crap that went along with the treatments. The other two never called or did anything that showed any concern whatsoever. The funny thing is, I've never been bitter about any of the events of the illness or any of the problems that have been caused by it, but this experience is the one thing that I've been truly angry about.

I learned one important lesson from this, if you have friends that are there for you for anything, make sure that appreciate how good those friends truly are. As for the others, cut them loose or keep them at a distance, they're not worth the headaches.

[chickentribs]

Originally Posted by Demeter

Oddly, I don't feel so much like I'm losing a friend, but I'm confused and angry by it.

Anyone have similar experiences?

I try to keep the number of friends I count on rather small for just this reason! I somehow always seem to be the person who has to endure feeling like a schmuck because I have given too much faith to the wrong individual. It is very confusing to me how quickly so-called friends will turn on you.

Oh well, Demeter - thin the heard so that there is room for somebody worthy of your friendship. It's her loss.