Simple Violence

[MEAD]

I am a major pacifist and don't really condone violence at all. However I find myself in a situation where I feel as if I need to be violent. There's a long story but it boils down to this, a guy disrespected me and my realtionship with my girl, now ex who is with him. Basicly I am over the situation. I was in a long distance relationship and this was for the best anyway. The guy is going to vist now ex at home and I feel compelled to kick his ass. In al honesty I hate neither him nor my ex, but I feel as if it is a matter of principal that I at least punch him once and that's it, a simple reminder of the guy code that includes not fucking up another man's realtionship. I'm not trying to land him in the hospital or win my girl back, he just disrespected me. I mean if there is a better way to get my feelings across to him you tell me. I am certainly not going to bitch him out like a littlie girl. And I really don't desire to sit down with him and discuss my feelings, and try and become his friend. Or do I just get more dignity back by not acting violent towards him?

[abaya]

You know, I'm a woman but I have some violent tendencies. I had VERY strong desires to punch my ex square in the nose and call him bastard, then slap his new gf right across her face and call her bitch, then walk away and never speak to them again. It took some serious self-control to stop myself from doing this, multiple times.

Of course, that was 6 years ago and I don't know what it would have proved if I had done it. I guess we needed some kind of Fight Club. My question is, is there any benefit to you expressing your feelings towards him? I mean, communication is one thing, but... I dunno, it sounds like you need to set up a punching bag and glue his face to it instead. Violence doesn't solve much in the long run, especially if it's not in self-defense.

Are you really over this??

[MEAD]

If over it means that I would never want to be with her again, then yes. She is very irresponsible with peoples emotions, and the long distance is really not worth it. I just don't see how can let this guy disrespect me, and since he never met me, and I will most likely never see this joker again once he leaves after the visit, I don't see how he would ever realize how he screwed my life up. he didn't care then and I don't see how he would now. Frankly I don't want any kind of apology from him, I want and got one from her. I just feel like punching him will tie up the loose ends. I just think he's a slug with no honor. I am a big believer in chivalry and he violated it.

[Seeker]

MEAD, I'd love to help you with some advice.. it's just that I don't really understand how he disrespected you.. I know you may not want to explain it but it would really help me with my response.

All I could possibly say at the moment with the information presented, I can't see how biffing him will really help with your frustrations. In my experience it is his behaviour grating against your beliefs - and that is something that will never be fixed by violence. Not for long term resolution anyway..

MEAD, what was he supposed to do? Phone you up and ask your permission to date your distant girlfriend? How, exactly should he have acted?

I'm sorry, but you're talking nonsense here - If you're pissed off about loosing your girl, which is tough enough anyway, then allow yourself to be upset about that - fantasising about punching strangers isn't good or healthy. It wont tie up loose ends, it will create new ones.

[Daniel_]

"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent". Isaac Asimov, Foundation.

Self discipline leads to self respect.

When my marriage ended, I wanted to beat the guy up. I didn't, and one of the things that kept me determined not to was that I visualised my daughter (then 3) growing up and asking me what I did when her mother left me.

I decided that I would act in a way that I could always be proud of, and never have to lie about.

That said, if someone hurt my loved ones and got away with it, I'd be prepared to put them six feet under and then turn myself in to the police.

[shakran]

Originally Posted by Seeker

MEAD, I'd love to help you with some advice.. it's just that I don't really understand how he disrespected you.. I know you may not want to explain it but it would really help me with my response.

It really doesn't matter. Unless you're in immediate physical danger, there's never a reason to haul off and hit someone. Not only does it put you in a great position to be jailed for assault and sued out of every last dime you have, but you also run the risk that the other guy will hit back, and will be better at it than you are.

Let it go man. It doesn't matter if he disrespected you - that's no reason to start a fight.

[Seeker]

Originally Posted by shakran

It really doesn't matter.

Sorry shakran, but I believe it does. I think MEAD is asking for help on how to get through this without violence. So it would help me by knowing the circumstances so the feelings he is experiencing can be addressed. That's just my way is all

[StanT]

Originally Posted by MEAD

IBasicly I am over the situation.
... Or do I just get more dignity back by not acting violent towards him?

Obviously, you are not over it, yet. You really need to walk away from both of them. Nothing about the situation will improve for hitting him.

Hell with the dignity, just move on with your life. Hitting him will just prolong the time that both of them disrupt your emotions.

[cj2112]

Lets think this through for a sec. you may hit him, and walk away and that may be the end of it. However more likely is the possibility that you hit him, and walk away, he calls the police and you end up convicted of assault. Then you get to go to jail for a couple days, pay a fine of a few hundred dollars and have a criminal record. Lets say in the process of hitting him you get in a lucky punch and break a bone. Then not only do you have the jail time to think about then you get to pay for his medical expenses, time he loses from work, and punitive damages. fast forward 15 years you are interviewing for a good job, one that pays very well, and has excellent benefits, possibly the job you would spend the rest of your working life doing. You have the job, pending the results of a criminal background check, tell me is it really worth it? Is it worth hitting this guy who actually did you a favor by showing you that this girl was not worthy of the trust you placed in her? She had the opportunity to say to no to him, She chose him over you, I know it sucks, but he was there and you weren't and she decided she'd rather be with him. She knew damn good and well what she was doing, and if she hadn't cheated with him, she would have with someone else.

[Redlemon]

Originally Posted by MEAD

She is very irresponsible with peoples emotions

Think of this: she's probably going to mess him up at some time as well. You have inflicted her on him. Think of that as your revenge.

[ratbastid]

"Disprespected" and "irresponsible with people's emotions" are both interpretations. Do you even know what actually happened?

If it's, "He said I was never right for her," well then you might have to face that maybe he was right. The distance, the emotional difficulties... Maybe you never were right for her! But turn that into "disrepecting" you, and suddenly you put your dukes up. This is just an example, that I made up because you've only given us your interpretation, not the actual facts.

[MEAD]

Well for one, it's really not worth hitting him, I've decided with all the possible shit that will happen. And yes to everyone it is a matter of opinion, its not really reasonable to hit anyone for any reason, and when you are placed in a situation where you would want to its always going to be personal and a matter of opinion. And don't even try to tell me im wrong for wanting to hit the guy, it may be socialy unacceptable to actualy do it, but violence is ingrained into human naturem I am better than human nature by supressing it for the good of my fellow man, but dont tell me my desires are wrong. Anyway then how do I go about setteling my differences with this guy when society tells me I cannot do it in the way I want to?

What are your differences with him?

[MEAD]

My differences are that he pushed to be with my girl knowing that we had a relationship. He has been a thorn in my side ever since she met him. Her and I were broken up for a period of a 2 weeks, months ago. Less than a week after we were apart she turned to him for comfort and he made a move on her and kissed her in a time of weakness. Since then he knew we had gotten back together, he even told her that he knew we would back together after that, yet he took the first chance he could kiss her. Then after we had finally broken up for good, she ends up dating him soon after because "He was there for her". Look, when you dig a girl but know she has a boyfriend who you know she loves, I think it is only right that you respect that realtionship especially when the relationship was long distance. He really aggriavted a difficult situation and made my life much more complicated. He made me feel low about myself for having this jealousy towards him when I was fully justified. But then again, maybe I just choose to blame this guy instead of my ex for putting him that close to her in the first place.

[abaya]

Why this constant desire to "settle" with him in a confrontational manner? What about just ignoring them both and working on letting go, and I mean REALLY letting go, to the point where you stop putting so much energy into him?

In situations like this, closure never happens when you want it to... it just takes its own sweet time, regardless of any attempts to "settle" things.

Seriously, man, don't waste any more of your life on a loser. Invest it in your own quality of life... go out and find a new girl instead of seething.

[abaya]

Yeah, I'd have to say both your ex and the guy have parts to play here... seems like you're keeping her on a victim-pedestal, and that means you ain't over her yet. She's immature, so is he... be the mature one and move on with as cool of a heart as possible.

[Lead543]

Well, kicking the guy's ass would probably solve the problem.

If you were like 10 years old.

I think violence is the most immature and for lack of a better word dumbest way to solve a problem. Use your words or forget about it. If physical aggression is the best way to get your feelings out go visit a punching bag.

Being charged with assault will make your life a lot more complicated. You seem to think bitching him out is like a "little girl" does physical violence strike you as manly? Example, is a man beating his wife manly? No, physical violence is for those who aren't smart enough to use their words to solve a problem. If you're over it then there's no reason for you to say or do anything to him to teach him a lesson.

[MEAD]

I agree with you violence is dumb that is why in all my posts I asked for alternatives. And telling him off is pointless as punching him in the face. All it is is a relase of agression, more suited for someone who is afraid of another's physical dominance. A conflict is a conflict and I'm not going to get into one with him and try and hold back the urge to knock his teeth out and telling him off just does that, puts me in conflict. So my choice is to let it go and be better than conflict completely. This wouldnt be about solving a problem. This would just be about piece of mind. Frankly telling him off wouldnt give me that. And for the record this is a situatuion between two men, who should be able to take a punch without being a bitches about it. I would never use violence as a way to solve a problem, if I wanted to repair things with him I would talk to him, but the fact of the matter is that I don't know him and never will. If he were going to be around me for any longer than the few weeks he will be, I wouldnt get into it and complicate the situation any further. The point was to just give the guy who complicated my life and made me question my own worth a swift kick in the ass for doing so and send him on his way. But I'm not going to do that anyway.

[Seeker]

Originally Posted by MEAD

The point was to just give the guy who complicated my life and made me question my own worth a swift kick in the ass for doing so and send him on his way.

MEAD, for peace of mind in your situation you could look at why you allowed his actions and possible opinions to weigh so heavily on your self worth. Why have you taken this to heart? Why do you allow his actions to affect you in such a personal way? You allowed him the power to question your self worth.

Originally Posted by abaya

...seems like you're keeping her on a victim-pedestal

You also need to see that your ex g/f needs to take a bit of responsibility here as well. You need to give her her responsibility in the matter so you can deal with the hurt she has inflicted.. then hopefully you will see that she has issues, and possibly you will see this and decide that perhaps you didn't/don't need these in your life, so you can move on to find 'something better'..

By giving your ex some of the weight in this situation will also relieve some of the feelings you have in regard to this fellow.. and perhaps you wont direct all your frustrations at him and feel the agression you currently hold.

I hope this helps somewhat..

[Gilda]

Violence is justified only in defense against violence or the threat thereof. Hitting someone because he disrespected you or to send a message is exactly the kind of thinking that has produced the epidemic of gang violence in our cities.

[Mugzy6]

To hit him would lower you. Your friends' opinion of you is too high for that. Even those that you do not consider friends.

[MEAD]

Humanity disgusts me. So does the fact that, as a human, I am subject to every terrible thing it has to offer.

[dlish]

if u have violent tendancies, either join a boxing gym, or see a shrink.

take the moral highground and diss him, let it be known that u despise him and what he did (and her for that matter)..but be proffesional about it.. theres no need for violence or swearing.

i also remember reading a thread a week or two ago about someone jumping in into someone elses relationship if they thought they would be better for that person than their current partner? maybe thats the case here, maybe u werent there for her and he thought that he's the better man for her... who knows..

long distance relationships dont have a high success rate..and the ones that do is where at least one of them has cheated on the other without their knowledge.

[Carno]

Get over it. Toughen up and quit thinking about things that make you feel good. ie beating the guy up. That is childish nonsense.

[tuner]

Originally Posted by MEAD

Humanity disgusts me. So does the fact that, as a human, I am subject to every terrible thing it has to offer.

Wow. And I thought *I* was the one with the superiority complex here... Relax. I am very careful with all people before getting to know them better (this is my way of "filtering" bad company), but I don't "hate" humanity... Sure, I think humanity as a collective has done some stupid shit but hey... this is a long way from saying that humans suck.

[MEAD]

haha, no humans don't suck, just the fact that we are all able to do some terrible things. This isnt even in a realtion to my situation really. I am talking about myself really and how I was able to be lured into such a stupid desire.

[thingstodo]

Originally Posted by StanT

Obviously, you are not over it, yet. You really need to walk away from both of them. Nothing about the situation will improve for hitting him.

Hell with the dignity, just move on with your life. Hitting him will just prolong the time that both of them disrupt your emotions.

I agree....you're not "over it." You want some sort of revenge. that means you are willing to allow this guy to continue to exert control over you. And that is sad. You're like the person who gets cut off in traffic and thinks the other person did it TO YOU when they were really just concerned with themselves.

My advice is to find someone else and get on with your life.

[tuner]

Originally Posted by MEAD

haha, no humans don't suck, just the fact that we are all able to do some terrible things. This isnt even in a realtion to my situation really. I am talking about myself really and how I was able to be lured into such a stupid desire.

We are able to do so many evil things, because we are also able to do so many GOOD things. Sadly, everyday you see 70% bad things and only 30% good things, because Bad Things Sell.

[Cereberus]

Shakran, cj, and abaya are right. Here's my slightly different take:

1. Success is the best revenge. Visualize seeing her down the road when you're successful, and the other guy isn't.

2. (This is what I do a lot) Visualize how someone you admire would handle this situation. Gandhi, 007, I don't care. (Maybe Adam Sandler as Happy Gilmore wouldn't be a good choice. )

3. If you're not damn sure he's not going to punch you back, think how bad you'd feel about losing your ex AND getting your ass kicked.

4. I don't think he's the root of the problem. I think your ex is. Had the relationship been strong, he wouldn't have been a factor. Not that I'm saying it's the right thing to do, but punching him would have been a lot more appropriate if you were still with your ex and he kept hitting on her.

Also remember, as someone said earlier, that if you're over 17, that punch can follow you for the rest of your life.

Find another girl and be a lover, not a fighter.

[Zeraph]

So you feel you have lost something? Has he taken something from you? And you plan to retrieve it by causing pain to him?

Respect is an illusion as far as getting it goes. To think that enacting physical violence would somehow remedy the situation is funny when you think about it. You don't respect him so why would you want his respect? What you really mean is fear, you want to feel validated by his fear. That will get you nowhere but a self perpetuating spiral of emotional adolescence.

[~Lucian~]

Originally Posted by Redlemon

Think of this: she's probably going to mess him up at some time as well. You have inflicted her on him. Think of that as your revenge.

Totally awesome way to look at it.

I want to beat the shit out of my ex's fiancee (she got engaged with him after a week).. and i mean like totally destroy him and i can't wait to see her ruin her life and his. But that's just the bitter side in me talking and no it won't solve things really. It'll make me look like a petty bastard and her and her new toy look a whole the victims.

How do I deal with my ex and her tomfoolery? (She's really quite spiteful about everything and lets the whole world know about it) I've got my music and guitar, and i've got a great network of friends who i love and respect.. I've got the band, work and uni to worry about too. Just ignore her shite and focus on what you've got man. At the same time, vent out that anger and those violent urges through excercise, video games, sport, anything physical, hell if a good ol wank'll help you out i say go for it. You were in a long distance relationship, so i'm sure you would've had an entire life that didn't revolve around her, so embrace that fact.

There's nothing wrong in having those violent thoughts and don't let those who think they have a higher moral standing than you make you think otherwise. For me, it's less about morals and more about productivity, character building and dealing with it in the most beneficial way to me in the long run.

Ignore the smoke and smile.