The best way forward?
 

I've not used these forums before for anything personal - and I'm not sure how comfortable I feel broadcasting this right now - but - I do feel the need to confide in someone, and to hear ideas and maybe other's experiences.

Middle of last year, I got diagnosed with a condition called phimosis - it's basically when your foreskin fails to stretch over the head of your penis - no biggie - I ummed and ahhed about it, wondering what the option might be to go about curing it, or even, if it needed curing (it's been like that all my life)

Early this year, I noticed a kind of redness, some swelling and a kind of yellowy discharge - so of course, I went back to the doctor who referred me onto the Urologist. The Urologist took a look and recommended circumcision, saying that there wasn't much else they could do, and that it would be better afterwards for sex and cleanliness.

So, resigned, I agreed and we went along with the surgery. I had been hoping to remain intact, plus surgery scares the living daylights out of me, but that's how it goes. That was 2 weeks ago. Damn it hurt like hell - and - having never been in a hospital in my life except to visit others, it scared the crap out of me.

The last couple of weeks have been painful, but everything is healing up fine, and I think I'm pleased with the results. I was never particularly sensitive before, and sex used to be quite the marathon, with me often unlikely to finish (which kind of upset my partners who may have felt it was something about them). Now, I'm looking forward to a whole new life in that regard (after everything has finished healing up)

Anyway, I went back to the doctor's today for a post-op check-up, and he explained how they had sent the trimmings off for tests (I was wondering if I was going to get the option to bring it home in a jar) and told me I was healing up fine. Unfortunately, he said, the tests showed that the swelling there had in fact been a tumor, and that the results showed that it was malignant.

So now they want to arrange for me to go for a CAT scan where they'll check to see if the cancer has spread to any other parts of my body. I'm feeling kind of disconnected at the moment, it's almost a good feeling - things seem clearer, petty grievances are forgotten, and all that day-to-day stuff doesn't worry me at all.

But at the back of my mind I'm scared - what if it's spread? What kind of life might I have to look forward to ? How on earth am I going to tell my Mum?

It's dawned on me the realisation that I'm going to die (Yes I know, we all do, sometime)- sure, everything might work out fine on the scan. What I mean is, the shock of hearing 'malignant' made me realise my own mortality in a very real and tangible way. Before, I 'knew' it, but in a mental way, I can actually feel the idea now in my bones.

So, what do I do next? I have to wait 3-4 weeks before the scan, and then another few days after that to hear whether I got away with it or not. In the meantime, how can I use this feeling and turn it into something positive? And seriously, how am I going to tell my Mum?

There comes a time in life...when we come to terms with mortality. Some people Must go through a tramatic experience, and some will just gradually make the leap. The end result is the same....acceptance of reality. Once we see this is not something to fear, clarity can overtake the confusion of terror. The worry factor is counterproductive, and often delays acceptance of the inevitable. That said.....optimism is a great friend at these times, and a sense of humor is a powerful tool.
As for Mum.....be honest, be strong, and above all, allow her to love you. She will need that more than you need the love.....which is saying something all by itself.

Just my 2 cents.

I remember when they thought I might have uterine cancer it was rough. Not so much for ME, Im honestly not scared of dying, but I was worried about my mother and I didnt tell her anything until after the tests came back that everything was fine....oh was she mad at me. She told me in no uncertain terms that I should have told her before the tests so that she could have been the support system for me that only a mother can and she was upset with me for quite awhile. I'd get a phone call at least once a week for a year where the first words out of her mouth were, are you ok? is there anything you need to tell me?

It might scare you to talk to your mom, but I think you need to go ahead and do it, so that at least you know that you've got someone who cares about you like nobody else ever will to be there for you.

I'll be sending good thoughts, wishes, and prayers your way :icare:

Yes, definitely tell your Mum. Tecoyah hit it on the nose - she NEEDS to feel that she is there for you and supporting you. Besides, it's way too huge a change to go through by yourself.
Don't kid yourself - it's scary and hard and awful, even when you get good results. And no, it's not going to be very easy on your family. You may even feel guilty for everything they will go through with/for you. But never doubt that they WANT to be there for you through this, and they don't care how hard it is. Who said being a family was easy all the time?
Let your Mum be your family.

I wish you all kinds of luck and positivity and good things. I have a lot of family that's gone through cancer issues - the most important thing you've got going is you. Your attitude makes a world of difference.
I wish you well (in every context!!). :icare:

By all means talk to your mom, and just tell her the truth. When things like this happen, it can be very positive at least in bringing people closer together and closer to the love that is always there but often hidden below the surface. Whether or not it turns out to have spread, you'll be glad that you brought your mom to your side through it.

I was once diagnosed with malignant melanoma in the retina of my eye, the doctor said it was a 99% chance I had it based on scans. My reaction was, well when you gotta go, you gotta go. I didn't want to tell my parents for fear they would breakdown or have a heart attack or something, but I did and we all steeled ourselves for the next battery of tests, which turned out to be negative. It brought us all very close together, and we interact with each other differently now and more positively than we did before that happened.

I know that eventually it's going to happen again and for real. Maybe soon, who knows. Having a few test runs I think is a good thing because it puts you in a place where you have the right priorities. Practically every day I reflect that there will be a time, definitely too soon no matter how distant, when my daughter and I will have to say goodbye to each other forever. That knowledge has a way of always snapping you into the right frame of mind. Today she and I are going to the lake when I pick her up from school at 2, and we're going swimming together "until it gets dark" which is what she begged to do yesterday. I know I should be working but today I decided is going to be a day for her alone, and I know we're going to have a great time together.

So . . . . I would say the best way forward is to focus on what's important, which is the people you love and who love you. No matter what happens, you'll be doing the right thing.

Sending positive thoughts your way, zen,
-r

It doesn't matter whether it's you nose or your penis, your mum is going to be concerned about whether *you* are going to be alright. I know it's a slighlty embarassing area to talk to you mum about, but she has seen it before when she changed your diapers as an infant.

Now speaking as a guy, penile cancer seriously freaks me out. You need all the support you can get. Your outlook plays a huge role in how you will get through this. You need to stay positive!

Good luck, and let us know if we can do anything to help.

Thanks guys, I really appreciate your kind words and advice. I think I'm going to try concentrating on some things that I've let slip by in the last few months (relationships, going to the gym, and letting myself relax) And hopefully, this will act as a spur to keep my resolve up.

Once again, a heartfelt thankyou to you all.

My dad got cancer in his penis some years ago, and he's doing just fine now. It's not the most dangerous type of cancer after all. However, he and mom decided to keep me and my brother pretty much in the dark about the whole thing, to pretend like nothing was wrong. I felt betrayed by this, since we have always shared both the good and the bad in this family. They reasoned it was no idea getting us upset because it was no big deal... right. The only ones who know dad has had cancer are dad's two best friends, me, mum, my brother and the doctors. Not dad's father and sister, not anyone at his job.

Maybe that was dad's way of having a positive outlook and staying sane. He values privacy highly so I kind of understand his approach. At the same time, I think he should have allowed us to worry and fuss over him a bit. I love my dad and it felt like he didn't want or need my support at a time that must've been so terrible for him. But it worked for him, so hey... *shrugs* I'm still a bit confused by this obviously. On one hand, I would have felt better if dad had been more open about it, on the other hand, it wasn't me who had the cancer so I shouldn't complain. Whether you choose to tell your mother or not is entirely up to you. Don't be afraid to be selfish. :icare:

I can understand why a person would like to keep such a sensitive thing out of general circulation. There are some hot button concerns that create labels that will never disappear. To have friends, co-workers and family always aware in the back of their minds that you are the "penis cancer guy" would be something me as a rather private individual would not want to have.

Firstly my sympathy and my good hopes for you zen tom in your trying time.

Secondly, there are some things that are worth sharing. You seem aware of the consequences of either doing so or not. Your mom would probably want to share this with you - and if you want her to keep it between yourselves I would hope she would understand and support that.

Secondly, you are granted something which I personally have not had, which is a long-running and irrefutable reason to reassess and re-evaluate your priorities, your concerns, and your regrets. You have paid for the opportunity in ways I wouldn't even want to try to imagine. I hope you are able to take as much advantage of it as possible.

Good luck to you.

Wow. I'm dealing with something not quite on par with your issue at the moment, but still scary. I understand the feelings of worry that must be going through your mind. It's important to have your support system around you, those friends and family that you've come to rely on when times are tough. And this is definitely one of those tough times.

Best of luck. We're here if you need us.

Your mom always loves you no matter what. She wants to know how "her baby" is doing, and wants to be there for you when you need it. Hell, if Martel had penis issues (health wise) I'd tell my mom, just so she could be there for me when I needed it... and I wouldn't be the one with the health problem! SO, tell your mom, let her be there for you when you need it, and kudos on letting this have a positive effect on your life and your outlook!