I think my wife is cheating on me...
 

Seriously.

You know when you get that feeling?

I'm getting that feeling.

No, I don't have any evidence, or this thread would be called "I know my wife is cheating on me".

Her attitude, clothing, other stuff has changed.

She has a new 'Friend' and when I ask what she did that day (Normal husband and wife stuff, I am SO not possessive) she says 'Nothing' or 'Not Much' and then I find out that she was hanging with this guy.

She gets all offended, and puts me on the defensive.

Is anyone else going through this? Have any gone through this in the past? Were your feelings confirmed or refuted?

Finally, I don't know where to put this, so I put it here, in Living. It isn't a sexual thing, it's more of a relationship thing.

Comments?

If you found out it was with a guy, ask why she didn't tell you about your new friend in the first place. I'm sorry, but a husband and wife don't hide things from each other.

I hate to say it but she probably is cheating, or at least considering it. Especially if she has been buying nice clothes or just dressing nicer, especially when she is out and about without you there.

Have you asked her about it? Do you communicate well with her? If she hasn't actually done anything yet, there may still be a chance to save your marriage.

Best of luck.

Shit, Ben. I have no advice or anything but ... I'm sorry.

Okay copper, you are probably right with the whole "considering it" thing.

No, I haven't confronted her, since I pride myself on giving her my complete trust. Haha, how funny did that just sound? I say that, and post this thread at the same time.

Now that you mention it.... I really think it is at the "Seriously considering it and would totally do it if my new friend asked me to" stage.

Fuck I feel like hitting something. I'm a non-violent person, BTW.

We have such a good relationship that this new spin on things has got my spidey-sense tingling. I appreciate your input.

:|

Had a girlfriend do that to me many years ago. Kicked her ass out quick as I could. She'e still single and unhappy. A wife must be really tough though. Good luck man.

I feel your pain man, I am going through pretty much the same exact thing right now.

First, she asks for a divorce citing all the usual reasons.

Then, I find out there is a guy on the side that she met playing online games.

The math was too close, it was going on when we were together, hence the divorce request.

She lied about everything until I showed her all of the evidence--then it became "none of my business".

Yep, I have a pretty good idea of the range of emotions you are going through. I'd hit the wall, but it won't do any good. It's hard when you don't have an outlet for the feelings/emotions/anger/etc.

Do you have any kids? They are the ones I worry most about.

Edit: The clencher for me was the lying. If there is nothing going on, she wouldn't lie about it.

Similar situation happened to me with my last girlfriend. She suddenly started hanging out with a guy for "school projects" but wouldn't tell me who he was. Then she started checking her answering machine only while I was in another room. Finally she stopped wanting anything to do with me physically. I finally confronted her and she admitted that she was dumping me for this guy. When asked why she just didn't tell me, she said she didn't know.

If she is being evasive with her answers, I think you need to confront her on the issue and find out what is really going on. If she still insists that it is nothing, let her know that you are not comfortable with her friendship and request that it end. My personal feeling is that if she truly values her marriage to you, she will be willing to drop this guy since it is causing a problem in your relationship. This is not to say that she should never be able to have her own friends, including males.

For me, 9 times out of 10 my gut instinct is always right.

I'm sorry to hear it, but if the situation is enough to get your "spidey-sense" tingling then you're probably right.

Copper is probably right in mentioning that she's just considering it, which is why she's awfully quiet about what she's doing and defensive when you ask about it.

Either way, a conversation is in order and I don't envy you that task, BigBen. I would just talk to her about it. No accusing, no arguing, just a good, honest sit down with the wife to clear the air to find out what the hell is going on.

I don't know if I see a difference between "considering it" (to the extent she is "considering", i.e. hanging out with him and lying about it) and actually cheating--they both pretty much hold the same weight for me.

I don't think she is considering it, I think, based on what Ben said, she is guilty already.

The lying is one obvious sign and the defensiveness means there is something to hide.

Talk to her.....find out the truth....Act.

or

Judge her....speculate on the worst.....and Hit a wall



At least with the first.....it will feel good if you indeed need to hit the Wall

BigBen, you might try beginning the conversation with your own feelings, such as "I feel uncomfortable about... or I sense that there is tension about..." and ask to clear the air with her in a nonconfronting way. You deserve the truth and should expect honesty on her part. Why not ask each other if your marriage is well, or has something caused a drift in direction?

If she is perfectly honest about any complaint she has about the marriage, the two of you can choose to work on it. I truly hope that you have caught this at the "thinking about it" stage and that the two of you are willing to make adjustments and recommit to each other.

Pollyanna

Talked tonight

still crying

no kids

yes, she's cheating

talk to you guys later. Tomorrow morning

dude, i feel for you, i really do.

We're here for ya Big Ben, glad you talked, though it really sucks it's turning out this way.

Run away man. She cheated on you, get the divorce, take everything. Leave her penniless and barefoot. Thats the worst possible thing to do to someone is to betray their trust. She isn't worth trying to work it out. Anyone that can use you like that is a piece of garbage.

PS. My advice might be a little over the edge. Bad experiences cloud my vision.

I'm really, really sorry that it turned out the way it did.

You don't know me from Adam, but...good thoughts to you from the house of guthmund

Glad you talked.......we are here if you need to talk more.



Good Luck.

Good luck Ben. I can only imagine what you are going through, but you have my best wishes.

Talk to a trusted friend and do what he says. I've had plenty of friends go through this type of thing, and emotions run so high you're practically incapable of making a rational decision.

I've even seen people ignore the advice of a lawyer they're paying.

Speaking of lawyers, it's time for one. Now. Yesterday, actually.

Please don't try to do without one. Unless you're dead broke already, you'll wind up that way unless you get a lawyer. Don't even think about using your wife's to "save money."

It's also time to lean on friends and hang tough. In almost all instances I've seen, the lies told about the other party during a divorce are breathtaking. Maybe you'll be lucky, but most aren't, and it's a real kick in the nuts to hear that it's all your fault that she cheated. So try to avoid going to court if there's any way to work things out. Also, watch out for attorneys that keep stirring things up to increase their fee.

Wish I could be more uplifting. You'll get through it, and you'll be happy again, but not for at least six months, It's also likely that one day you'll have another wife, and be very glad this happened.

That's my take on it, anyway. Good luck.

Sorry to hear she cheated, Ben. I hope the divorce is quick and painless. :(

So sorry to hear that Ben, whatever way the road takes you two, we're here for you if you need a friend :icare:

well, this is one of those situations where you just wish you had been wrong. :\

I'm new, but I'm sorry. I've been with my gf for over 3 years. I don't know in the slightest how I'd react to this.

There is a source of strength for you to get through this right here. TF will take care of you. I know they will.

Hugs - Sorry to hear it.

Protect your economic interests.

1. Eliminate all joint accounts in credit cards, checking accounts, etc.

2. Put a hold on your credit file to prevent new accounts being formed.

3. Quit your job and take one that pays significantly less now to prevent having to pay alimony or child support based on your current wages.

4. Retitle your vehicles, property and mortgage into your name alone.

None of these are infalliable methods of protection, but they will make the job of your wife's lawyer more difficult.

Ben, I am so sorry you are going through this. It must have been very hard for you to confront her. I have those same feelings about my dh, and I have yet to confront him. I hope things can go as smoothly as they can for you. I know we don't know each other at all, but I offer you my hugs and prayers.

:mad: ...... oh my....

i'm sad, speechless. if you need any words or an ear.. i'm here

I hope things work out, Ben. In the meantime, I would recommend doing what Master_Shake said to do. If she can't respect you, you shouldn't have to respect her.

Good luck, in the meantime, and try to keep your head up, buddy.

I would just like to add...should you decide to go thru a divorce...if your state is like mine changing any of this information should be done BEFORE you file. When you file the papers in the state of GA you HAVE to sign a paper stating that until the final decree is given you will make no such changes. Also in our state the only way to get someones name off a mortgage is to refinance the loan, you cant just have them taken off.

you have no kids so child support wont be an issue...does she work? If so then chances of her getting alimony are really slim.

Yes, cheating sucks. I ruins your trust and it violates the vows you took. But.....before you jump into the lawyers and divorce, please talk with her and see if counseling will help (if you want to go that route). Even if my wife cheated on me, I can't say that I would be on the phone to my lawyer right away.

Ben, I'm so sorry...
Cheating happens for a variety of reasons, but because of the ones you listed when you just thought she might be, it makes me kinda think that this guy was giving her something emotionally that she thought she couldn't/wasn't/didn't get from you, whether that's true or not.

I hope things work out for you, no matter how that happens. No one deserves to be cheated on, and I just hope that you can heal so as not to have a lack of being able to trust again later on.

Good luck, man.

Okay, sorry about not posting sooner, but as I walk through this in my head, I lose track of time. Just imagine, I had to go to work this morning and put on a happy face…

We had a good talk, and the subject came around to our relationship and how we were doing as a couple. I commented that the past little while there have been noticeable changes, and that I was concerned with the way she has been acting.

She just started a new job, and the people there were “Really friendly” so she said. No Big Deal, I said. I was glad that she was enjoying her new job, so I didn’t get nervous when she started hanging out with her new co-workers more and more.

Then I found out that a lot of the new co-workers she was hanging out with were male. Then she started making references about this one particular guy, over and over. I started to frown when his name was mentioned, but kept my mouth shut. Not one conversation was had that his name was not brought up… “Well, _____ said this, _______ is so funny, _______ had a bad day at work today and I felt sorry for him…” You get the idea.

Again, I am a very trusting guy. She earned my trust over a long time. I phoned her cell yesterday (was it just yesterday? It seems so long ago) and asked her if she had time for lunch. She sounded like she was in the car driving. The car was in the shop.

“What ya doing?” I said casually, thinking that she picked the car up early.
“I’m having lunch with ______.” She said with a very weird voice.

Then I posted this thread. Then I looked at what I had written and realized that I had been in denial all along, and I needed to wake the fuck up and do something.

Couple of replies said “Talk to her” which is pretty obvious (thanks for saying it anyway) and so I decided to bring up the subject.

She said we have drifted apart over the past 6 months.
We have nothing in common.
She feels alone, even when I am in the same room (ouch)
She needs someone to talk to that can understand what she is going through in her job, and only a co-worker can understand.

Well, I laid it on the line and said, “Are you sleeping with _____?”

She didn’t say a word.
She didn’t have to.

Well, she got up to go to work this morning very early, and I didn’t hear her go. I usually do. I am empty folks. I don’t even want to think about lawyers, or divorces, or anything like that. That will come eventually. I can’t stay married to someone who did that to me.

I need to find a place to live.
I need to sort out my finances (since everything is joint accounts, joint bills, everything)
I need to pack
I need to sort out who owns what, as far as furniture goes
I need to explain to friends, family what is going on
I need to relax and breathe and not worry about all this stuff at once.

We have a spare room, which I will be using until I can figure shit out. That might take a while.

Well, thanks for taking the time to listen. I think about the number of people that are reading this, and the amount of combined time that you guys are thinking about me and showing your support for me by the PM’s, and it lifts my spirits…

If 40 people gave 6 minutes reading this, then I have received 4 hours (math? Did I do the math right on that one?) of someone’s time thinking about nothing but me. I am not a needy person, but that feels good.

I’ve only been on here since January, and have come to love it here. Thanks you guys.

You don't need to do anything right now except take care of yourself... Everything else can wait... Unfortunately, it will still be there the day after tomorrow.

Hey ben sorry to hear what happenned, My uncle went throught he same thing and now he is married to another woman and he loves her very much and they have a 1yr old baby girl. I was thinking that when the time comes for you to move out, maybe you can get in touch with somebody that lives in canada just like you and help you find a nice apartment to live, if you dont have any luck finding one.

wow..... so wow...

This is one of those tragic things that I hope I never suffer.

Not to insult your soon to be ex-wife... But what kind of person takes that kind of action without at least discussing her marital issues with you? Seems to me that no matter what she says, its still a sad excuse for her actions. You have nothing to worry about, if anything I would say get a P.I. or something equally ridiculous (the whole situation is ridiculous isn't it?) and get PROOF. You don't need to file for divorce only for it to become her word against yours. She is the one who breached the agreement of the marriage, so she gets nothing.

Thats all.

Again, I'm sorry, but knowing this kind of stuff happens is still a slap in the face. :(

I am so sorry to hear about this. I hope you continue to talk to us through this tough time. We are definitely here for you.

jesus christ what a bitch.


I'm sorry this happened to you. Good luck getting things sorted out.

I can't say I have ever been in that situation but I'm sure its probably one the toughest things that a person can go through.. Take your time and remain calm, good things happen to good people.
Hope Everything gets better

I'm Sorry this happened, no one deserves to be put through this kinda shit

I *have* been through this before and it can be worked out if both of you want it to. It doesn't sound like either one of you trust each other enough at the moment to even consider a reconciliation. Allow each other some space and time is my best recommendation.

BTW: My hubby didn't think I was supportive anymore of his work; my best friend at work was far more supportive. If you can work through shit like that, you can work through just about anything.

Not exactly a Pollyanna...

i'm very sorry to hear about your situation, ben... but don't give up hope.

it's good you have a list of things that need to be done, but it sounds like there are still a lot of things left to figure out... so just remember that sometimes having the right attitude is more important than having the right answers. :-)

Let me just add my voice to those offering support.
Haven't had to deal with something like this before, so feel free to ignore my advice, but I think the important thing is not to do anything rash.
Think things through, talk to her, her lawyer, her again...
If it happened to me I would probably never forgive, but I'd like to think I could be civil.
Don't be afraid to reach out, people here will help you.

Best of luck!

Just wanted to add another I'm so sorry for you to the list. And to tell you I'm going through a similar experience myself, except I'm the girl. ANd we weren't married so that is...not as bad. I really feel your pain. My boyfriend gave similar excuses, the last few months had been nothing but work. I can't do it right now. I don't love you the same way (which really means I DON'T love you anymore). And then a few days later he told me he had cheated. Just try not to blame yourself or you will drive yourself crazy. And know that everyone here is here for you.

Hey Ben - keep taking steps, the sun will shine again. I respect the fact you arent over reacting, but you are keeping level and just doing what needs to be done. She is in the wrong and while asking "what did i do?' will only provide half the answers, cuz the rest of the situation was possibly out of your hands.

We all here wish you the best. we are all thinking and praying and hoping for you.

Hey Ben, hang in there.

My heart dropped out of my chest when I read about your talk with her. I've had girlfriends cheat on me like that before, but I don't think that compares to having a wife cheat on you. Just thinking about having a talk like that with my wife makes me sick to my stomach.

Just remember, you'll get through it. Whether you separate or stay together, the pain will eventually lessen. You've got a lot of people here that have been through the same thing, and most of them will tell you that it sucked, but in the end it was a really good thing.

And don't blame yourself, no matter what she tells you.

Ben.. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I think what Mal said was spot on!

Take care of yourself. The important thing is you. Your problems will still be there.

You can deal later. Just make sure you are emotionally stable as a person can get in this situation. Then try and deal with it best you can. If it gets to be to much. Just take a step back. Do something for yourself. Get away and sort things out.

You have a lot to deal with. So stay strong, but don't be afraid to cry. The bitterness and anger will be there for a while. Find a way to cope with all the emotions. And for gods sake.. don't keep them bottled up. That's what friends and family are there for. I know it is little consolation. But you are a great person! Hugs to you man.. we as a group, are here if you need someone!

Best of luck!

I understand that you want to get out of there but why should you be the one sacfificing right now? By packing, it should mean packing her stuff. Revenge may be shallow but it might make you feel better. When she comes home, all of her stuff should be on the lawn, with CHEATER spray painted across it. SHE fucked things up, she should be the one moving out.

I have nothing to add to what has been said, except to add my name as someone who is concerned about you and hoping that everything works out as well as it can. :(

Keep your chin up! I know it's easier said than done. This has happened to far too many of us. When it happened to me I thought my world was ending. Now I'm much better off. You will be too. Thank God you don't have any children and go on your "merry" way. Just remember...YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

all i can say is that you're in my thoughts, and we're here from you.

you don't deserve this. hang on, you will get through it.

*hugs*

Oh, I'm so sorry too. If you can't forgive it, you can't, and so then it's right not to stay in the marriage. But of course, it's so soon to have to make all these decisions. Mal is right - give yourself the time to react fully.
What an awful thing to go through - you'll eventually be stronger and all that, but right now, I'm sorry, it's just going to suck. *hugs*
we're here for you.

damn.... good luck, its not going to be easy.

In all the negativity of this situation I suppouse there's a positive element - you confronted her, you found out about her cheating and you acted the moment you noticed something was wrong. Truly, I don't think much more could have been done, unless you missed any obvious signs before. The whole situation didn't linger about for a longer time than it was needed needed, and you should be at least a bit happy that things turned out that way. I feel very sorry for you, guy.

Sorry about the kick in the guts man. When my world dropped out I took a few days to do it, but I made sure I told my boss what I was going through on the hush-hush so if my reactions were a bit off he'd cut me some slack. When I was more comfortable with the reality of my separation (after 24 years of marriage and 4 kids I might add) I got my immediate co-workers together at break and told them short and sweet, and asked them for room as well for the same reasons. I thought that was important, because being with these particular people for the heart of your day means that if you don't cover it all up you give yourself a little room for being naturally upset, and they give you a little room because you need it. Also as has been said and resaid get some solid definition about your property and your responsibilities, and listen to your chosen professional rep if you indeed go that route. And a bit of professional emotional counceling is ok, not to be sneered at, well worth the consideration. Good luck and just keep getting up in the morning.

You need to talk to her some more. Talk about everything. Tell her exactly how you feel and ask all the questions you need answered and share with eachother. I don't know if you can reconcile or if you even want to settle what has happened but for your own health, communicate openly and honestly with her and don't repress your emotions of anger for her sake. She needs to understand how you feel and you need to understand how she feels.

Ouch, sorry to hear about your situation Ben. We're here if you need to talk more.

I'm sorry that this happened to you, you deserved none of this. I hope everything will work out for you in the end.

What happened to you, doesnt suprise me. The human race does the craziest things. I just learned; not to be suprised by anything. I know how you are feeling; angry, alone, lost, confused, and sad. The show must go on; dont let a girl ruin your life. Its short enough. Getting past these times are almost near impossible and unbearable, but handle it the best you can. When i get low and sad about my ex, looking at the moon soothes my soul. Good luck, once you get past this hurdle, you will be that much stronger.

Sorry to hear about your situation Ben, I know you'll be able to sort things out.

I had a situation like yours once with a gf, but I never got a chance to confirm it as she broke up with me before I had the opportunity to find out.

While I'm now married and my wife and I are very faithful to each other, I'm not sure I'd be able to handle a situation like that as well as you appear to be taking it.

Don't think spray painting CHEATER on her stuff and laying it out on the lawn is the thing to do, but I definitely agree that she should be on her way out ASAP, not you. She instigated this and if she found another guy, then she can also find herself another place to live.

I'm really sorry this happened to you and I applaud your emotional fortitude. Going to work the next morning must've been simply brutal. Hang in there, Ben, you're the better person here. Please remember that. We're all here for you.

I feel your pain man

Hang in there big guy. I'll try to send some sunny thoughts your way.

Shit Ben... as other have suggested. Just take it one day at a time, one step at a time.

You will make it through this.

My thoughts are with you.

I'm so sorry that this had to happen to you Ben. I'd give you advice if I could, but all I can give is my best wishes.

You'll pull through. You're strong enough, I'm sure.

God, I know what a shotgun blast it can be if someone tells you they don't love you anymore, but having someone cheat on you must be like taking a land mine to the chest. Cry, vent, get all that nasty emotion out- it's going to be welling up from a dark place within you for a long time. But that's ok, because eventually that dark place will be all used up, and you won't have any of those feelings anymore. Eventually you'll realize that she's a human being too, and while you had a past together, you've grown out of that point of your life. This is a huge growing time- time to figure out just where your life is going. It's an oppurtunity, alebiet a painful one.

Get her name off of EVERYTHING, RIGHT NOW. Go talk to an attorney- I know it's hard but all you have to do is call one, I'm sure they'll be most helpful because they know you're in emotional distress. They'll tell you the immediate things to do- you need to put the clamp down NOW so she doesn't get all crazy vindictive bitch on your ass later.

Also, try and talk with her, and DON'T bottle anything up! You don't have kids, so that's good, but if you're not careful you'll be ranting about "that crazy bitch of an ex-wife" for the rest of your life. Don't be like that- it's not pretty.

There IS someone out there for you, who will love you with the divine love that Martel and I have found (along with lots of other people!) Keep the faith, be true to yourself- and, as the dean of my boarding school said once-

"Always remember- T.T.T.- THINGS TAKE TIME!"
:thumbsup:

Dude... I hate to break it to you, but she definitely is cheating on you.

The best thing you can do is get a very good lawyer.

This seems to be a common thread. I have been cheated on by a girlfriend, basically married though and all the signs were there. Do a little research on the web and all the common signs are there. I unfortunately did the research after the fact, but it will make me more aware if it happens again.
Buying new clothes is a big one, being late from work, hanging out with "new" friends. They all add up to infidelity.
I wish that feeling on no one!
Stay strong and wish you the best

Am I the only one that wishes I had Ben's phone number so I could call him and check up on him?!?!

We haven't heard from him for 13 days now!

Ben,

Keep breathing.
Keep your wits about you as best you can.
Don't burn any bridges and don't flatly reject any offer during "bargaining".
Prepare for EVERY eventuality - you can prepare for separation and reconciliation at the same time.


She had what is called an "exit" affair. In her mind, her marriage was already over, so what difference does it make what she does. If you choose to attempt to reconcile, be sure to remember that because it is very different than other forms of affairs. It speaks volumes about communication, perceptions, and trust.

Got your messages.

Thanks for thinking about me. I was sent off for a course in the Army, and got back yesterday.

Everything is moving along, although I don't think the time away helped any.

We are going to counselling. We both get free counselling through work. I am going to go by myself as well.

I can't throw away the biggest piece of my life like that. I have to try to sort things out, and when all the pieces fit in place (with the help of a neutral third party) I will be able to make a decision properly.

My wife said she called the guy and broke it off. She is sorry, it won't happen again, all that stuff. Then I find out about 5 minutes later she admits that HE CAME OVER TO OUR HOUSE when she called, and she broke it off there. WTF? Did they have a final goodbye fuck using MY SIDE OF THE BED?!?! I was pissed off all over again, and it took me about 3 hours to calm down.

Yep, I need a professional to look at this one.

I really thank you guys for the support. I love TFP.

I'm glad that you and your wife are seeking counseling. I think in time you would regret not giving your marriage this chance. My best to both of you.

good to hear that it's working out.

I dunno WTF she was thinking having him come over to hear that she's breaking it off.

you don't shit where you eat. period.

I really hope your wife makes an honest attempt. Be well.

Venting is good. Counceling too. The fact that you are past your first tempest is very good. Good luck.

I just want to go on record saying- THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

You did your job in your marriage- she just decided to quit. Her reasons will NEVER make sense to you. Don't bother over-analyzing this shit. It will just make you crazy.

And while your sitting there, blaming yourself- or trying to figure out what you did to push her away, make sure you read the first line in my post!!!! Again and again...

Don't chain yourself to the known based on an amount of time. There are a lot of us who moved into wonderful, unknown futures when we wanted to cling to a broken past.

On the one hand, congrats on trying to make things work. Too many people just give up when the going gets tough.

HOWEVER-

I wholeheartedly agree with what chickentribs said "There are a lot of us who moved into wonderful, unknown futures when we wanted to cling to a broken past." This happened to me and it was the best thing I've ever done. So, if it's time to say goodbye, do it. A sharp cut heals more quickly than a jagged one.

same for me.

But how do you do it? HOw does one go about doing it?

Forging ahead. You just make the decision to do it and the little details take care of themselves.

I sincerely admire you, BigBen.

I may be out of line here, and I usually am, but the other guy had to have known you were married, hell even came to YOUR HOUSE. In my book that qualifies him for a severe ass beating. Short of that, some states now alow you to sue people for interference with a marriage contract, intentional infliction of emotional distress, etc. Sue this guys ass off and make his life a little slice of hell like he's helped to make yours.

He's a cop. Although I could without a doubt kick his ass 10 ways with my right hand, I would be walking down a bad road.

If I see him, and he makes like nothing happened and is all smiles and shit, he'll go down like 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag with a drawstring in the middle.

As far as state law, we don't have that in Canada. I love the TFP, but the legal advice does not help waaaay up here.

BTW, he's married too, and his life is a living hell now. I had a dream of phoning his wife and inviting her over for a rendezvous, just to get even, but I have more self-respect than that.

Ah, the revenge fuck. But you are right, it probably wouldn't be worth it. Ben, keep your head up. It sounds like you are on the right track. I am sorry things had to go down for you like that. Our thoughts are with you.

Does his wife know about the affair? If she doesn't just make sure that she does.

You are going through exactly what I went through 2 years ago.

DO NOT MOVE OUT

If the law where you are is anything like it is in the UK, KEEP THE HOUSE. She cheated, she must pay.

If you walk away now, you have already given it up - do not put her in a possition where she has all the cards.

If you end up in court she's gonna be allowed to keep it all, and all you get is some cash, and if it doesn't end up in court you got the house already.

She can sleep in the spare room - hell, she can sleep with the stud from work if she must - but she certainly shouldn't sleep in the bed that you are paying for.

Look after yourself - she's already shown that she's looking after herself, not you - emulate her.

Be safe, and if you MUST smash stuff - go out into the yard and bash crockery wiith a hammer. Shouting at her will get you in crap with the law faster than anything except belting her in the head.

Thoughts go with you.

Of course that assumes that the counselling fails (it probably will - it generally does).

Liked the comment about "unknown futures". My unknown future and I will be getting married later this year, and I'm several million times better off than I would have been if i'd not got rid of the wife.

And as for her - she's living at her mum's with her jobless bankrupt BF.... :S

I am truly sorry to read about this in your life. My wife of 17 years has a "1 strike & you're out" mindset. If I fooled around on her and she found out, I'm out. Whether or not it was for good would depend on her ability to forgive me. I doubt however I'd ever regain her trust again. The main question to you is whether or not you can forgive & move ahead? The other point; get qualified legal advice. At least find out what is in front of you should you be unable to get past this.

Lastly, why should you pack up & go anywhere? At least that was what it seemed to indicate you were planning. Were my wife to do this to me, well before we hit the counseling stage she'd find all her stuff curbside in dark green garbage bags. I'm not saying I'd want to stay in the place we shared either, but neither would she. Petty, I know but magnanimous considering the circumstances. You could pour oil-based paint into each of the bags rather than leave them for her retrieval.

soundmotor