Need some advie... - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

mmurphy99_shs · 04-28-2005, 01:32 PM

I figured I would turn to the wisdom of the board for this question.

I am 24 and am dating a 30 y/o. Age thing no big deal, she does have a 10 y/o daughter, again no big deal. I am just looking for some advice from people who have dated single moms/dads. We have only been together for a little over a month and I still have not met her daughter, but we are going to a baseball game for mothers day. The father is not in her life. So any advice on how to make this work with her daughter would be great.

maleficent · 04-28-2005, 03:06 PM

OK here it is:
The father may not be in her life, but you are not the father, unless specifically asked, don't discipline the daughter you aren't the parent, let the parent do the parenting. Don't contradict the momma about the daughter. (I dated a dad, who had a teenage daughter, and she'd occassionally try to play me against her dad to get something she wanted.) Parent's rules win.

Kids are like puppies, they can scare easily, let her come to you. When you meet her, say hello, be friendly, but don't push too much, Just be yourself -- don't try too hard (kids aren't stupid, they know when they are being sucked up to) - and let the relationship with her develop naturally.

-- How many men has mom dated before you? that might be a clue as to how the daughter might act. Just read the daughters signals, and don't take anything personally. (IT's a test - it's just a test)

10 year olds can often act like 25 year olds, and in the next breath, act like they are 4, it's not you, it's them... that's just how they are. 10 year olds are fun, they're kids, but they are housebroken already... Enjoy the day...

tecoyah · 04-28-2005, 04:50 PM

Relax....enjoy the day....and be a friend.....that is all you can be at this point

Seeker · 04-28-2005, 05:40 PM

Another point about single mum's and their daughters... (from one in this realm

)

If Dad is not in the picture, then in this girls eyes - Mum is all she has. This depends how long they have been in this situation, how many boyfriends mum has already had, and if she feels 'left out' when mum is interacting with other people. All of this will be playing a part when you finally meet.

As well as the advice above, keep in mind 10year old girls have developed their own personality to a degree and can be quite interesting to get to know, and in my experience I have to agree with maleficent - they know when something is not genuine.

Approach the day with an open heart and an open mind.

mmurphy99_shs · 04-28-2005, 06:13 PM

From what my girlfriend says this is her daughter to a T. I know there have been at least 2 guys before me but none as young as I am. I am just real nervous because I am in love with her mom and having a step dad myself I know how hard it can be. I was also the same age as her daughter when I met my step-dad.

Thanks for the advice I am going to use it.

f6twister · 04-29-2005, 12:53 PM

I would also suggest that you make sure that the daughter doesn't perceive you as a someone who will take her mom away from her. If the daughter feels as though you are interfering in the mother/child relationship, you will become an evil person in her eyes. Also don't try buying her off. She will grow suspicious very fast if you start showing up with gifts for her all of the time. I think if you use what has been suggested by everyone, you should do just fine.

Elphaba · 04-29-2005, 02:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mmurphy99_shs

From what my girlfriend says this is her daughter to a T. I know there have been at least 2 guys before me but none as young as I am. I am just real nervous because I am in love with her mom and having a step dad myself I know how hard it can be. I was also the same age as her daughter when I met my step-dad.

Is it possible for you to reflect back on what it was like for you when you first met your step-dad? That might help guide you to some extent. Also, I don't think you need to be concerned about your age. You are positively ancient to a ten year-old.

william · 04-30-2005, 11:14 AM

You've been w/mom for a month, and are just getting ready to meet the child? Bravo for mom! That means you mean something to her. Don't stess too much about the child. Be a friend, and observe her reaction(s). Go from there. Father's not in her life; you are not the father. Things may happen that you do not agree with - talk to the mother, and let her deal w/the child. Eventually, you may have a role for discipline, but for now leave it to the mother. She may not be yours, but treat her as if she is, as best you can. Being a father can be the best thing in life, and it takes a lot to be a father.

chickentribs · 05-02-2005, 11:23 PM

Follow mom's lead and include her daughter in your conversations. Make sure that she knows you are glad she is out with you and her mother and ask questions to keep her involved...

Rodney · 05-03-2005, 04:56 PM

All good advice. Show some interest in the daughter as a person; try to have some moderately adult conversations with her and don't dismiss her opinions outright (unless they contain some dangerous misconception). Try to include her in conversations that include both you and her mother. Not all, obviously, but some, especially those that involve what you all will be doing together.

04-28-2005, 01:32 PM	#1 (permalink)
mmurphy99_shs Insane Location: Deep in the Heart of Texas	Need some advie... I figured I would turn to the wisdom of the board for this question. I am 24 and am dating a 30 y/o. Age thing no big deal, she does have a 10 y/o daughter, again no big deal. I am just looking for some advice from people who have dated single moms/dads. We have only been together for a little over a month and I still have not met her daughter, but we are going to a baseball game for mothers day. The father is not in her life. So any advice on how to make this work with her daughter would be great. __________________ Sometimes you've got to grab your world with your own two hands, Set it spinning off on a course all your own. Pat Green "Carry On"

04-28-2005, 03:06 PM	#2 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	OK here it is: The father may not be in her life, but you are not the father, unless specifically asked, don't discipline the daughter you aren't the parent, let the parent do the parenting. Don't contradict the momma about the daughter. (I dated a dad, who had a teenage daughter, and she'd occassionally try to play me against her dad to get something she wanted.) Parent's rules win. Kids are like puppies, they can scare easily, let her come to you. When you meet her, say hello, be friendly, but don't push too much, Just be yourself -- don't try too hard (kids aren't stupid, they know when they are being sucked up to) - and let the relationship with her develop naturally. -- How many men has mom dated before you? that might be a clue as to how the daughter might act. Just read the daughters signals, and don't take anything personally. (IT's a test - it's just a test) 10 year olds can often act like 25 year olds, and in the next breath, act like they are 4, it's not you, it's them... that's just how they are. 10 year olds are fun, they're kids, but they are housebroken already... Enjoy the day... __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

04-28-2005, 04:50 PM	#3 (permalink)
tecoyah Illusionary	Relax....enjoy the day....and be a friend.....that is all you can be at this point __________________ Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

04-28-2005, 05:40 PM	#4 (permalink)
Seeker Getting Clearer Location: with spirit	Another point about single mum's and their daughters... (from one in this realm ) If Dad is not in the picture, then in this girls eyes - Mum is all she has. This depends how long they have been in this situation, how many boyfriends mum has already had, and if she feels 'left out' when mum is interacting with other people. All of this will be playing a part when you finally meet. As well as the advice above, keep in mind 10year old girls have developed their own personality to a degree and can be quite interesting to get to know, and in my experience I have to agree with maleficent - they know when something is not genuine. Approach the day with an open heart and an open mind. __________________ *To those who wander but who are not lost...* ~ Knowledge is not something you acquire, it is something you open yourself to.

04-28-2005, 06:13 PM	#5 (permalink)
mmurphy99_shs Insane Location: Deep in the Heart of Texas	From what my girlfriend says this is her daughter to a T. I know there have been at least 2 guys before me but none as young as I am. I am just real nervous because I am in love with her mom and having a step dad myself I know how hard it can be. I was also the same age as her daughter when I met my step-dad. Thanks for the advice I am going to use it. __________________ Sometimes you've got to grab your world with your own two hands, Set it spinning off on a course all your own. Pat Green "Carry On"

04-29-2005, 12:53 PM	#6 (permalink)
f6twister Addict	I would also suggest that you make sure that the daughter doesn't perceive you as a someone who will take her mom away from her. If the daughter feels as though you are interfering in the mother/child relationship, you will become an evil person in her eyes. Also don't try buying her off. She will grow suspicious very fast if you start showing up with gifts for her all of the time. I think if you use what has been suggested by everyone, you should do just fine. __________________ A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. Calvin

04-30-2005, 11:14 AM	#8 (permalink)
william Psycho	You've been w/mom for a month, and are just getting ready to meet the child? Bravo for mom! That means you mean something to her. Don't stess too much about the child. Be a friend, and observe her reaction(s). Go from there. Father's not in her life; you are not the father. Things may happen that you do not agree with - talk to the mother, and let her deal w/the child. Eventually, you may have a role for discipline, but for now leave it to the mother. She may not be yours, but treat her as if she is, as best you can. Being a father can be the best thing in life, and it takes a lot to be a father.

05-02-2005, 11:23 PM	#9 (permalink)
chickentribs Addict Location: Mansion by day/Secret Lair by night	Follow mom's lead and include her daughter in your conversations. Make sure that she knows you are glad she is out with you and her mother and ask questions to keep her involved... __________________ Oft expectation fails... and most oft there Where most it promises - Shakespeare, W.

05-03-2005, 04:56 PM	#10 (permalink)
Rodney Observant Ruminant Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town	All good advice. Show some interest in the daughter as a person; try to have some moderately adult conversations with her and don't dismiss her opinions outright (unless they contain some dangerous misconception). Try to include her in conversations that include both you and her mother. Not all, obviously, but some, especially those that involve what you all will be doing together. Last edited by Rodney; 05-03-2005 at 05:03 PM.. Reason: Too verbose