How to cope with losing friends?
 

They say friends come and go. It's part of the ebb and flow of life. As I'm getting older(I'm 25 now) I find myself dealing with losing a lot of friends. People who you thought you would be life long friends with just stop talking to you out of the blue. They no longer make an effort to hang out or keep in touch nor appreciate your efforts to hang out and keep in touch. It's been rough for me not to mention a saddening experience. How does one cope with this? Sure you can say fuck them but the thought of your friendship lingers in the back of your mind for while. What I fear most is when I'm old and have no friends to converse or share experiences with.

I've also thought maybe it's me. Sometimes I feel like I'm not the ideal person to be friends with anymore. Maybe i try too hard to be the loyal and dependable friend? I don't know. It just doesn't make an sense sometime. What do you guys think?

I'm the guy trying to lose touch with you.

I'm the guy who's realized he'd rather do his own thing, and I'm the guy who'se realized he'd rather not be linked to high school life, and I'm the guy who's realized he wants to start afresh as an adult.

I'm going through a difficult period at the moment where I'm starting all over again, everyone I knew in the past has gone and I want to start again as a new person. Every time the phone rings I dread that it's an old friend, every time I hear a car door slam outside I freak out and think someone's going to come to my door and demand to know why I've been ignoring everyone for months.

If your friends are off doing their own thing, and want to forget about high school and all the drama and stupid kids' stuff that went along with it, then let them. Be a good friend to those that still keep in contact with you, and make an effort to see those that don't, but if it happens over a longer period then those guys probably aren't just too busy to keep up, they probably want to move on. Don't take it personally though, because (in my situation) it's not. It's not that I don't like those guys, it's more that I didn't like the person I'd become and I wanted to start with a clean slate.

If your friends make an effort to see you every now and then, then they're probably busy. If they never, ever contact you then it's not because they don't like you, it's because they don't like the life they've had since high school and want to start anew.

You are at the age when people no longer need their friends to define themselves and most are starting to concentrate on career, family and their own personal interests. Also about now, people are settling into a lifestyle because of greater self confidence. It is a natural progression. Trust that your friends likely feel some of these things also and while they may share your feelings they are further along in their understanding of self and place in the world, They are still there, just not as much or as often and you stilll have ties that bind you forever.

Think of how it is with family. As an infant you are helpless, totally dependent on your mother. As you grow that dependence becomes less and you step further out on your own. Friends are the exact same thing. They are fulfilling a different role but in the end it toward the same goal - your personal growth - mentally and psychologically.

Talk to them. Make an effort to get together and remain close, even if it is only in one aspect and even if it is only once a month. Explore new interests together, join a club or a literary group. Or visit parks together or museums. Anything you can do to continue the growth while sharing new things.

But mostly, realize it is not you. It is the rest of the world.

Well most of my good friends are from college. I maybe have like 2 friends I still keep in touch with from grade school. Like you, I'm starting my life anew here in NYC. A lot of my college buddies moved here too. Some of us moved up here about the same time. They're all like yeah we'll hang out and stuff. Not one call. I call them. "Oh sorry I've been busy..". Me: "Can we schedule something then?" Them: "I dunno. I'll let you know." Months fly by. Like WTF? It's not like we don't have anything in common. We're all designers. So wouldn't it make sense to have some kind of network? It seems to me like people don't like communicate anymore. I notice this with people both friends and family I know. No comraderie or closeness anymore. It's sad. Thanks for your comments.

Life has changed for them. Previously, they spend most of their week at school, or partying, or going out, and were meeting with people in that context. Now, they're in a different world, at work, and don't have a lot of time to party or hang out with old buddies. They meet new, different people, that have more in common with their *current* life than you do.

It's nothing to worry about, it's normal. They don't suddenly dislike you, or *want* to ignore you; they probably really don't have time or energy for you. In a few years, you'll be happy to see them once or twice a year, because *you* will have new friends too.

This happened to me when I graduated from college and everyone went their different ways. It was a huge adjustment. I didn't know at the time that I would not see some of those people again, and I certainly was not prepared for the endings that occurred. I guess some of us feel the loss more deeply than others. I really have no advice on how to deal with it. It is incredibly hard to make close friends as you get older.

Well, my situation is quite different. I am 29 and have known my 2 closest friends for 25 years. We grew up together and still hang out. I've known my 3 other close friends for from between 6-15 years. Yes, I do realize how strange this is. I consider myself blessed to have had such good friends for so long.

College friends are hard to hang onto. Even if they're in the same area as you, they're off developing new interests: new job, new friends on the job, new boyfriend or girlfriend, new worries, new hopes and aspirations -- few of which you share.

From college I kept close contact with maybe two guys, and it was hard; not only were we in different areas, but we had different interests. One guy was a dashiki-wearing EE major with radical thoughts who went barefoot through four years of college. He ended up a seriously conservative baptist in Washington state with four daughters and a very nice senior position at Microsoft. The other guy was a sharp-dresing meteorology major with a background in motel management. He ended up coming out as gay, embezzling money from several motels, having a nervous breakdown and committing himself to a mental hospital, and finally settling down to a steady life with a job as an IT guy for Raytheon in Santa Barbara with a steady partner, a former soap-opera actor. And I became a fairly conventional, politically liberal DINK in the SF Bay Area.

Eventually, we all drifted apart. I mean, we all traveled down different roads, how could we not? A lot of friendship is based on commonality of interests, shared experiences, and even proximity (not just living in the same town, but in the same building); when those things change, so does the friendship. I'm proud we kept in touch as long as we did (15 years or so) but eventually life moved us all too far apart, mentally and emotionally.

I do have a couple of friends that I've known for 30 years and who are still strong friends, but a) I don't see them much, b) we still have a lot in common, even if we aren't doing stuff together all the time, and c) we had _a lot_ of shared experiences over the years, through thick and thin, to the point where we're more like brothers than friends. At some point, the strength of a friendship is measured not so much in how often you see each other, but in how little difference the passing of time affects your bond.

This is a good thread. I don't have much to add, but I found this to have some solid advice and enlightening thoughts. Thanks guys!

i have friends from high school (I'm 39) that I still see and I also had friends i met through work that i thought would last but I dont see. I recently lost one of my best friends forever and although losing touch hurts, knowing that they are gone from this life is much harder to stomach

Ever since I moved away from High School I have noticed my bonds with my best friends have really changed. I don't think it is they intentionally forget about you, it is they are caught up in their own life that they run out of time for something that was once really important to them. I am quilty of this myself. But my advice, call them and try to keep hanging out with them. Otherwise they will just forget about you completely.

Wow, thanks for putting it this way. What you said makes so much sense to me.

Over the years I've lost a number of good friends. Sometimes they'd leave to a different country, promising to get in touch the moment they got there, and then they just don't. Sometimes people change friends, and you're on the recieving end of it, so to speak.

I've tried to do this forgetting friends thing, and I felt awful. I got into an argument with some people after becoming intimate with them, and I decided that it's time to go. It didn't work and I felt bad about it. I called back after a few months and apologized. They said it's okay. But we never got together again as friends.

The moral of this rant: this has to happen naturally, otherwise you won't be happy with it (at least in my experience). Also, once you start it, you can't stop it.

My experience is that friends last as long as nothing major changes in your (or their) life. Many of my friends from high school seldom have the time to talk to me anymore, and the most I ever see them is over the holiday break, or some other time. I suppose the same thing will happen when I finish college in a year or two, and then i will gain a new circle of friends from work.

This part isn't necessarily true. I don't call people that often; some of my friends I haven't made "first contact" with so to speak in months) because a) I'm absent-minded as all hell, and b) I'm not a very socially reliant person. So yeah, keep trying to contact them, and if they always say "no" over an extended period, then it's probably what Rlyss is talking about. Don't take their lack of contacting you as a sign that they don't want to be friends anymore though.

i have to say that i hope this never happens to me (i need to be around people, its just the way i am... i get lonely and depressed and think too much if im not around people/my friends) but sometimes i feel that it is. so far it has just me being a little depressed or self deprecating thus leading my mind to run rampant and think too much (i am a thinking and when i think i blow things way out of proportion).

i have actually been feeling that something is up lately. maybe its just because i have got to deal with a lot of personal shit and that leads to just ... well shit.. but its still not a good feeling. i have only known my current friends since i left school 3.5-4 years ago and we have shared a lot of good times and i dont think that we have (for want of a better phrase) grown tired or worn each other out per-say.

im glad i found this thread though... i share your feelings JP and know where you are coming from...