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There must be something seriously wrong with me
edited for anonymity.
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My best advice:
Start doing things you like to do, whatever that is. It might be theater, choir, sports, year book, newspaper, etc. Just start doing it. You'll find other people that share your interest. Some of them will be girls. Just be yourself and be FRIENDS with these PEOPLE (girls). You might be surprised what happens from there. People can sense desperation and they generally shy away from it. If you come across as "Desperately Seeking Girlfriend" they will know. But if you are just being a friend, well, this is how all good relationships start. Good luck to you :) |
I second that!! Arent there girls @ the gym? do you live in a dorm? offer to run w/ one of hte girls so they'll be safer? do stuff you LIKE! it'll give you common ground to start on. For me'n Juan, it was a metallica T-shirt. really, can be ANYTHING. see something interesting? ask about it. Ask about the homework due tuesday, WHATEVER! :D and not having a gf or a date is not un-normal, just means you're still gettin' comfortable w/ yourself. And when that first chick shoots you down, DO NOT GIVE UP! Keep trying, I promise we're not ALL evil. ;)
ps: don't be too aggressive. you're a big guy. you'd tower over my by a foot, to give you an idea. You're gonna have to be gentler to get around that tough guy first-impression you're going to make, just by walking up. unless that's what you're looking for, of course, but remember that large strong men who are aggressive tend to look scary. (to me, at least, but this IS personal opinion, so, take it w/ a grain of salt.) |
Thanks for your replies you two :}
As far as the gym...its not that type of scene...its a very hardcore gym...its entirely weights (no aerobic) and everyone there is either a 30-50 something powerlifter dude whos been doing it for years or females that look like men (and are a lot older than me) maybe I should switch gyms. I live with my parents (i get free tuition since my mother is a professor but only if I live at home). I am extremely active. I mountain bike. I run. I workout. I am a ski instructor in the (i take off spring semester and move out west for a few months) and teach skiing in Utah. But im not 21. and all of my co-workers are...so i couldnt go make friends at the bar after work.... In the summer I mountain bike and do adventure racing (like eco-challenge but much smaller)....but i still have the same problem...i cant find anyone to mountain bike with so I just go by myself. I think its that even though I am not fat anymore, i still think of myself as fat and unwanted because this was how i was treated for many years. I had a running partner that I met in Physics Lab but she moved away. it just seems there is always a reason....maybe i am looking to hard for the reasons. I dunno |
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TRUST ME when I say, at least 75% of this battle isn't over looks, it's over self confidence. I'm overweight, but I tend to be very confident in myself and that is what carries the day. My friend, who sounds like an older version of you (at least the mountain biking and skiing) is a very handsome guy, but he has loads of trouble dating. 3 guesses why and the first 2 don't count. Here's the secret I use. PRETEND you're confident. PRETEND you're a super friendly great guy. If you do this long enough, pretty soon you'll believe it. ;) |
If you're not happy with yourself, you certainly won't be happy with someone else. Get yourself involved in the things you enjoy, and go out and find others who have similar interests. You're a ski instructor? I'm sure your school has a ski club. Or hell, start one if there isn't.
The best thing you can do is actively involve yourself in things you enjoy, and stop actively hunting for a girlfriend. The second you stop looking and just enjoy yourself will be the second right before you meet someone. Now if only I could follow my own advice. Or at least get to the gym first. :p |
Join a club, that helps. And social skills need to be developed through practice. I was like you until I came to college, and now I hang out with lots of people and have become, to my complete surprise, somewhat of an extrovert.
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Relax, be yourself.
Enjoy, be yourself. Smile, be yourself. Talk, be yourself. Once you have that down, stop putting girls on a pedestal in your mind. Get over your anxiety & anxiousness And then after you've just chatted for a bit, ask them to something CASUAL. They might say no, oh well, their loss. They might say yes, cool And then it’s a whole NEW game then. Then the same rules apply, just be yourself, enjoy, have fun. But you have to put yourself out there. How do I know this? Because I used to be just like you. It's amazing how things change when you are relaxed & smiling. |
I was going to ask if there were women at the gym as well. My buddy met his wife at the gym.
Maybe try working out at a less hard-core gym for a while. You could meet poeple, and work out at the same time. |
Thanks for the advice everyone...I really appreciate it.
I am going to a 18+ club tonight I think (if I can work up the nerve to go by myself) and just see if I can do that scene... I like the idea of asking them to something casual...could you give me some suggestions? I dont know of any parties (never have).... where could I ask someone to? I guess what I want to say is that I am involved with things i enjoy... I run I bike I ski I skydive I compete in adventure racing But i dont know anyone to ask to do these things with me.... they are all solo activites for me. |
Ask them to join you for a drink or a cup of coffee. Coffee is better, since both parties are alert when communicating.
As for the activities, aren't there clubs in your city/town that meet up to participate in these events as a group. |
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Instead of being a little (well, smaller) fish in a pond full of pirranah, be a tough fish in a pond of goldfish. :D Or compare yourself to me: I'm 38, 300lbs and 5'10". You sound like you're in a much better position! |
Hey Washington,
You said something about going to an 18+ club. then you said what casual thing should you ask a girl out to... Theres your answer. I always think it's cute to be asked to do something silly and different though. Like if you like bowling at all, ask a girl to go with you. Or even if you don't, go anyway and you can learn together. Btw hope you go to the club tonight! Have fun, and relax, thats the best advice. |
Hey I had another really quick Idea... You didin't say much about having any kind of job or anything. That has always been the best place for me to find friends. You say you're in school and stuff, so only get a little part time job where everyone there are students or your same age. It's not always the best idea to get a love interest going, but if it's just a little job and you find a really cool chick... then it may be worth it.
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WAKE UP, WASHINGTON!! YOU'RE NOT A FAT 6TH GRADE LOSER!!! IN FACT, YOU NEVER WERE!!!
You're walking around still believing all the crap you made up about yourself when you were in 6th grade. THERE'S A 10-YEAR OLD RUNNING YOUR LOVE LIFE!!! No wonder it's such a disaster! Give it up! You're a MAN now, and a damn fine one! Get out there and give yourself to the world, damn it! The women are waiting for you! |
Well it didnt work out as I had hoped.
I asked my older brother to go with me so I didnt have to go by myself. I went out and bought some nice club clothes. I looked pretty good.... But my brother's friend from out of state showed up and my bro ditched me. I stayed home. Maybe I'll go sunday night... PS...Thanks ratbastid... I know....its just a little hard to believe it.... |
Sorry to hear your predicament Washington, though I must admit I am pretty envious of the lifestyle you lead and the body you say you have, even if it is a lonely one!
I can only really echo the advice of earlier posters. The two key things to have a nice social life and girlfriend are: i) A liking of yourself for what you are good at, from which grows a confidence in yourself. ii) Meeting people, of either gender, through activities. It can sports, cookery, ballroom dancing, bell ringing or anything really. So long as you are a nice guy then once you meet a group of people, you will then get the chance to meet their friends and then their friends and so on. Before you know it you have found some who you get on (really) well with and will have started meeting girls in an unthreatening environment. Offer to teach them to ski and they will be yours my friend! Good luck |
Wish I had the self-dicipline to get up at 5am ;) That's more like when I end up getting to bed :(
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Man - in a lot of ways, you just described me. I got beat up every day and I was 135 lbs in my sophmore year in College. I had no friends until I was 16 or so. I started working out and it changed a lot of things. I have a couple things you can do, but they all involve risk. Risk is good.
#1 move out of the house. This is not up for debate. Grab the newspaper and find a few random places in college that are looking for a roomate. Move in to one of them. Now don't expect to be moving in to a social life and don't be too clingy, but if you have some good guys that you move in with, then great. The bigger the place you move in the better. #2 Everything in moderation. When you work out, go to an aerobic gym once or twice a week. Join co-edintermuals too. There are always people looking to fill out a team and they need one more person like you. #2b Start drinking. This sounds really bad, but you are in an extreme area. You don't need to be a booze hound, but you can hang out and have a beer. Don't like beer? Have some more. You will like it. Trust me. Why am I telling you this? It helps to loosen you up. #3 Go to a therapist. If you have to drink to loosen up, so be it. But this is a band-aid. You should not need to drink to loosen up. Go to a shrink (there are usually on campus services for this type of thing that are free and confidential) and work on why you are depressed (yes you are depressed, it is okay you are still a great guy). It is tough stuff to work through, but the younger you are when you fix it the better. Also, just actually speaking about this stuff with someone will give you practice on how to interact socially. If you ever want to take some turns at Alta, look me up. Mammoth is still running out here and I would be happy to go for a spin with you some time to see if I can help. Feel free to PM me or email me. Oh yeah - and I took my own medicine. I am now 29 and married to a great girl who I can really open up to. |
Well said Rogue. Something else that might work. Ask one of the girls your interested in for help in something they are good at. or interested in. It get the communication going and you will relax some.
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Well just a little update....
i organized a study group tonight for a test tomorrow and I know that at least 3 grils are comming.... I have also found a group of people about my age to run with. I let everyone know if i make any friends. thanks again for the advice and for not making fun later |
In case it helps any, I thought I'd share something. When I was a teenager, especially the younger and middle teens, I was very shy. I was fine around people my parent's age, for some reason, but couldn't talk about myself with people my own age and had a really hard time making friends. At one point in high school I came back from yet another party where I had sat playing with the dog by myself all night and decided that the problem was mine. I had always blamed other people for not seeing the good stuff inside of me, but I never let anyone in and I never took a risk.
Now most of my friends would probably describe me as an extrovert. People invite me to parties because they know I'm the one to get other people talking, and I pull shy people out of their shell. It didn't happen over night. I just started talking to people and, like everyone else said, being more confident in myself. People respond to that. Good luck. Being alone sucks when it's not your choice. |
Sorry to hear that, but confidence is one of the biggest attractive things. if you ever feel insecure, it will start to show. Get rid of that, just be proud of who you are, and have a lot of self-confidence and don't be afraid to initiate conversations.
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I think the best advice is to have confidence in yourself.
You sound like a really cool guy, and you'll find a girl soon enough |
Lowdown on yet another similar guy to suffer the same youth experiences... friends abandoned me around 4th grade, sat on the outside of social circles until around 8th grade, didn't get the attention my friends did from the girls... I thought I was ugly, too tall, too heavy, etc. You name it.
I built this incredible negative image of myself that lasted throughout highschool. Even though I played football freshman year and was in great shape. When I stopped, the lack of exercise turned the muscle to fat, and I ballooned to 230 lbs over the highschool years. After highschool, I became anorexic (sp?) and lost 50 lbs, in the most unhealthy way, which made me look sickly, etc. and being 6' 3" and 180 lbs, I still thought I was fat, ugly, etc. Ok, that was at 18. I worked a full time job, with the next youngest co-worker being 23, and the next above him, 33. No social opportunities there. Long story short, I started hanging out at a coffee shop, didn't talk much, unless I was comfortable with the subject, and people got used to my presence. I found it extremely hard to feel confident about myself, because I still saw a 230 lb, ugly image, no matter what I really was. So I couldn't even fake confidence. What I did, was just say f*ck it. I figured I wouldn't get a girlfriend, but I at least wanted to be talked to and touched, whether handshakes or hugs or whatever, so I slowly made friends. Friends make you feel human, fill you with life, and show you who you really are. That brings confidence, and that confidence begins to brighten your face, and people notice. And then everything begins to come together. Trust me, I didn't have a serious girlfriend until I was 20 (also when I lost the Virgin stink), and I didn't have a girlfriend at all through highschool, and I thought I never would. Funny thing is, that when you get a girlfriend, the things people say about confidence will truly make sense, because the stories are true. After I began to consumate my relationship and feel good about myself, every girl I thought I could never have noticed and would flirt with me, without any trying on my part. So hang in there, and if all else fails, move to a younger city. I had the benefit of growing up in Las Vegas, so being a youthful town, there was always something to be done with people my age, but every town has it's foutain of youth. Sorry for the length, but I feel for you. I'm 23 now, and I still don't know shit, but I know more than I did when I felt like I used to, and you'll be fine, and probably end up with some hottie that makes both the men and women on this board jealous, lol. Good luck |
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Just be yourself, not someone on the hunt! Oportunity is there if you just look for it (or MAKE it!) Wooowooo! |
Jizzosh,
thanks....every story helps. Ladybell and others, Well...I was afraid that the group would run faster than me and i would hold them up but i went anyway and we ran an 8 mile loop in about 80min. There are a few nice girls in the group of 6. I didnt get their phone numbers or AOL screenames but they seemed nice enough and asked if I would come back on their next run....of course i said yea ...and was thinking YES. lol The study group went pretty much as planned....There were 2 pretty girls there and I kept it cool and just talked about the material we were studying... When it was over I made a mistake...I hightailed it out of there....after i got about 20ft and by that time was thinking "you idoit, everyone is still talking why did you just f that up"....one of the girls told me to wait up....she wanted me to walk her to her car. We talked about the test and i kept brining the subject back to her and her major and all that good stuff. I still didnt get her number or anything but she seemed to really appreciate me taking the time to walk her... I still havnt got any friends or anything but its comming along.... I keep you updated and thanks again! |
I find friends when I'm not looking. They come in all sizes and shapes. Sometimes the hunt becomes too consuming and you overlook the obvious. I've been reading this thread and two things are obvious to me.
1. You're looking to hard. Take some of the pressure off yourself and enjoy life. Everyday is a gift so take advantage of it. You seem to lead a good life and you seem to be a good person. Relax and the rest will come along. 2. You have friends because by one definition, friends are people who care about you. People in this forum must care because they took the time to respond. Life is like a flower. Some bloom fast and die quickly, while others mature over time and bloom endlessly. You are who you are, don't try to force the issue. Today the situation may seem diffcult. Tommorrow you will be the one giving the advice. The key to having others like you is liking yourself. So relax, become your own best friend. True light shines brightly. Start seeing the forest through the trees. I'm sure there are people around you who are good candidates for companionship. You just are looking to hard and are to hard on yourself for not finding them. |
study group is a great idea, offering to tutor is another good way.
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ok nice man but with that study group you might try to stay next time and perhaps thought i'm not the best with wemon if you like that chick in your group try to sit with her hell she might like it she did ask you to walk her to her car right and nice work with that run thing...
hell your going to get a gf and i think were helping right??? |
definitly helping...
Check out this email from one of the girls in the running group.... Names have been changed to protect the innocent...er somethign like that John, You did fine....and you were worried you wouldnt keep up! *sitcks tounge out* yeah the next run is tues. If you want it might be fun to go out to dinner after running tues night.... Let me know whats up :} see ya, Lisa |
she probably means dinner with the whole group but either way its good ....
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well reply for one thing and then ask her if it would just be you and her.... but its really good that shes asking you man conceder it to be friend 1
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hi people,
i'm pretty new here, and coincidentially this thread was one of the first i read. weird thing, i have kind of a similar problem. though i have a few good friends, i don't have any shallow friends (if you know what i mean). and no girlfriend. i don't have time to go into detail right now, just wanted to tell you people that your replies helped me quite a bit, at least for the theory :-) thanks |
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What... like within 8 days you've already taken some awesome major steps?? Kick ass Washington. Go to dinner! Make fun of the waiter, laugh about the people around town, talk about the run that day, etc. Congrats and more good luck! |
Washington... i've been following this thread, and simply haven't posted because the advice you've been getting thus far is right on...
i smiled big time today when i read your last post. like you said, regardless of whether or not dinner is with the whole group, you have, in my mind, succeeded. just getting past your fears and nervousness and putting yourself out there is something to be proud of... i cannot tell you how many times i've watched life "from the sidelines" wishing i am just mustered up the nerve to get in there and "play"... and she DID e-mail you now didn't she?... *smile* good luck! |
Yah!!!! I'm so happy for you!! You sound like a great guy and I love that you are keeping everyone posted! We are all on the edge of our seats! hehe
:D |
Go Washington. Have a littlemore faith inyourself and no matter what: BE YOURSELF..
Worse case scenerio: You can always meet up and go hang out with sixate..... |
Walk her out to her car? Clearly an offer for sex!
Ok all kidding aside. Great news overall. I think most of the folks ahead of me here have the right idea. Don't press too hard on this thing. Friends and good relationships happen naturally and not really when they are forced. Try to relax and do your best. Remember - none of these people knew you in High School. They are judging you on what they know now which is an itelligent, athletic young person who is sensitive and caring. Run with it from there. |
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best of luck |
Thanks a lot everyone...every little bit of encouragement helps..
She (running girl) sent me this email today....names changed and all.... John Yeah Tues. same time. I will probably be the only girl that you see with no shirt on and just a sports bra. That's what I'm infamous for, is not wearing much clothes! And you will probably see me hanging out with a bald guy named Joe. Do you still need directions? Did you find it okay? Do you live in Green? I saw that you have a 699 phone#. I live in green too, but I come from work in stow, which is down the street from the natatorium. Hope to see you on Tues.! Lisa okay what do i write back? "you dont wear clothes? sweeeeet" seriously....I need to think of something witty...i cant just ignore the fact that she told me she is famous for not wearing any clothes! a little help again? thanks |
okay i wrote something but it wasnt witty..
it was like.... "a pretty nekid girl and a bald guy should be too hard to find"...... |
*chuckle*... witty enough for me... and i'm glad you wrote back...
you could write again... closer to Tuesday... just to "confirm"... you could also add a "looking forward to it" or something along those lines... :) good luck... you're doing great! |
You ROCK, Washington! See what happens when you relax and be yourself?
We're proud of you, bud! Keep it up! |
Well..I recently spoke with an old friend. She and I were lifeguards together. She would constantly flirt with me and flash me etc. I still couldnt make it happen.
I think I really have a complete understanding of what I used to do wrong. I changed her screenname to protect her.... here is the transcript from AOL IM... ski00nut: Wow, its been a while Aw: yeah cuz i dont have this SN anymore ski00nut: You working at the hole this summer? Aw: no i quit Aw: last year Aw: to go to school Aw: now im moving to CA ski00nut: exciting 8-) ski00nut: near the water? Aw: about 45 minutes Aw: im right next to san fran ski00nut: sweet Aw: yes. Aw: why are you being so nice to me? Aw: i thought you hated me. ski00nut: When I think of san fran i think of people shooting people ski00nut: eh? ski00nut: Why would you think that? Aw: uhh you put a dead fish in my hubcap ski00nut: I did not Aw: well actually ill never know if you REALLY did or not cuz i wrecked my car two days later ski00nut: I didnt.... ski00nut: besides it was just a joke Aw: well you were a dick and didnt talk to me for a long time after that ski00nut: Thats true ski00nut: Sorry about that...but it's a little deeper than just forgetting about you..... ski00nut: I was interested in you...more than just friends....I tried to get some alone time with you by going to see a movie....but then your "friend" was comming along. Anyway, i guess its irrelevant now that your moving right? Aw: yeah i guess Aw: im sorry that you couldnt just tell me that. ski00nut: Just so I know...and be honest...were you interested in me? Aw: lol how could i be interested in someone who never opened up to me? Aw: you played games, you were cranky and mean... i never truly got to know you. Aw: lol ski00nut: I guess thats fair Aw: i hope you're not insulted by that Aw: but if you hadn't been so mean, i might have been interested. ski00nut: Mean like what? Aw: most of the time i knew you, i had a boyfirend anyway Aw: mean as in you never flirted, you just insulted me, played jokes on me ski00nut: you have no idea how enlightening this is to me ski00nut: as long as we are being honest....i guess i can tell you why... Aw: ok ski00nut: Back then I didnt have the confidence to do something as simple as flirt ski00nut: The only way I felt confortable interacting with someone i liked was to act that way... ski00nut: And usualy I got the same result as I did with you...nothing...there were only a few exceptions... Aw: understandable. i used to be the same way... back in like the 3rd grade... lol. people just have confidence at different points in their lives ski00nut: I wish I was then as I am now....maybe it would have been different between us. Aw: maybe. but usually i had a boyfriend anyway, lol Aw: hey... who was the friend who was gonna go to the movie with us? do you remember? ski00nut: I dont recall his name....I just rememeber you liked the same music...and burned a few CD's before you left.... ski00nut: he might have driven a van?? Aw: Ohhhhh... AJ Aw: yeah ski00nut: that sounds right AW: we're not friends anymore Aw: lol ski00nut: Thats no good Aw: nah Aw: he was psycho Aw: he liked me too ski00nut: lol Aw: and he used to get pissed cuz he was like a brother to me Aw: and i used to call him that Aw: and it would frustrate him to all hell ski00nut: then you shouldnt have done it.... ski00nut: How soon do you move to Cali? Aw: aug 10 Aw: and i called aj that cuz i truly meant it and i didnt know it made him so mad...anyway one day he went nuts on me about it Aw: and we fought like five million times ski00nut: I see ski00nut: Well...im glad we had this conversation Aw: im glad you feel better AwShooKie: and im sorry things didnt turn out the way you wanted ski00nut: All for the better i guess. Aw: yes. Aw: i just got out of a relationship... probably the most in love i've ever been ski00nut: im sorry Aw: its okay Aw: i still love him and always will Aw: but we werent meant to be ski00nut: I think love is something that is mutual...its not just "liking someone a whole lot" but knowing that they feel the exact same way as you without you even having to tell them. ski00nut: I dont think ive ever had that.... ski00nut: Someday.... Aw: yeah Aw: well thats the thing... Aw: brian never loved me back Aw: love isnt controlled Aw: you cant choose who you love Aw: and you cant make yourself not love someone ski00nut: so true Aw: and i tried so hard with brian cuz ive been hurt a lot before Aw: and i didnt even realize it til i was sunk Aw: and we broke up like two weeks later Aw: so it REALLY hurt ski00nut: is it true that its better to have loved and lost than to never love at all? Aw: no Aw: whoever said that has never loved ski00nut: So where are we? You still want to keep in contact online frequently? Ocasionally? Every once in a long while? Forget about it all? ......what? Aw: haha we're friends, come on now ski00nut: Sounds good. Aw: ill be online every now and then in CA... if you want to email me, cool ski00nut: Cool. Aw: well i gotta run,y ou can write me at *CHANGED*@yahoo.com Aw signed off at 1:48:07 PM. So at least this confirms that I am not ugly but just need to have some damn confidence. She was incredibly Hott too :{. She had a nice personality to boot. Ah well.. |
Washington... *warm smile*... i think many of us are "proud" of you (for lack of a better word)... it takes guts to step up to the plate and take a chance...
now, if i could offer another bit of advice? try not to over analyze this to death. yes, we can learn from our past mistakes ... but was also need to let go when the time is right... and move forward. that is where the truth growth lies... in the moving forward part. don't worry so much about what you did or didn't "do right" in the past. keep being yourself... keep taking those chances and putting yourself out there... but try to remember not to "force it" or try too hard... i think you're doing great so far... relax and ENJOY... that's what this whole dating this is supposed to be about isn't it? :) |
Amen.
(and let it be so) Ive got a run meet tonight. I emailed to confirm like someone suggested. Ill post a message on here to let everyone know how it went and if I made any progress with this girl (Edit: the running girl). Later :} |
K
Little problem. It is taking all my power as a mature human being not to scream a four letter word at the top of my lungs right now. Particuarally, I am thinking of the F word. Yea, that would be a nice one. Well I went running. This girl is 23. I am 19. Its not going to happen. GOD DAMN she is so hot and fun and humorous and happy and did i mention hot? She's doing these freaking stretching things when were done. She has on the shortest shorts a runner could possibly find and only a sports bra. So here she is , on her back spread eagled with a big rubber band stretching her leg. her freaking ankle is up by her ear and I sweat I tried not to look but I could see her crotch (panties and all) and..well...more. Damn I tried so hard not to look but damnit shes got some kinda of voodoo. shes all happy and chit chatty so I do the same but I just keep thinking this could never happen. She is 23! she is 4 years older than me and has graduated. Its just not going to happen. "Hey, you wanna get togehter? Sure, how about X (insert just about anywhere she would want to go here). Oh sorry....im not 21." So they invited me out to eat afterword and I said yes but while driving there i talked myself out of it and drove home instead. I mean, wtf did I think I could do? These people are too old for me. I could not realte to anything they have to say. I probably couldnt even get into where they were eating (some sports bar). How lame is that? FUCK ME. The end. Im gana go give myself a swirly in the toilet and just keep my head in there. For good. Ps.. oh yea I forgot to mention they wasted me at about mile 4. They were running a 6-7min mile whereas I run about a 9 min mile at best (for a 10 mile run) |
4 years is not that much of a difference. As long as YOU have the maturity mindset, you are set.
Just tell them you weren't feeling well, and had to go home. Keeping going to the running group and see if you can get to know them better. "I could not realte to anything they have to say." Are you certain that you don't have anything in common with them? |
I dunno. Shes 23. The other guy is 35 (and a constant flirt with her..slapping her ass....teasing...comments...etc) The other guy is blind (legally blind) and is im gussing around 45-50 The other girl is 30.
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First, don't throw away even potential friendships. You could tell them you got lost or something :)
This is the main thing tho: Instead of focusing on finding a girl, focus on making friends. This can include guys or girls, but just focus on finding people you can hang out with, go out with (even if you cant drink), and can talk to. Talking is very important, learn the art of small talk :) (girls love to talk about themselves, you can usually get them talking and just ask follow up questions for hours hehe) Once you find yourself with a good group of friends, branch out, you can probably find a girl from them. As for good places to find these people, I tend to agree with the above post concerning moving out of the house, or getting a part time job.. plenty of ideas here.. I feel for you man, and good luck. Youre not the only one with these types of problems. |
I love this thread.
Anyways, I think you should forget about this girl, pulling a 23 y.o. at 19 is hard and really you wouldn't have enough in common for a relationship. But keep running with this group and be friends with them. When you get a few years older you'll really start to appreciate these elder friends. But you really are doing all the right things. Take all your new-found confidence to the classroom now. That's where you're gonna find your friends and girlfriend. |
totally, advice abou not trying to find a girl, finding friends, it just doesn't work like that. or rarely does. but just keep at it Washington, these people like having you around, no reason to blow it now, don't let your insecurities get in the way of logic
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Hey, I was a loser until I got to college--didn't have a girlfriend or get *anywhere* with girls until I was 20 years old. I was one of those shy, introverted types.
Things will come around if you keep at it, bro. Take it from me. I've been where you are. Just some random who's not really popular and has no lady skills. But then a girl came along who was into me enough that my bumbling wasn't a problem. Turns out the barrier wasn't that tall, I just needed help getting over it. After that, the loser became a stud. Not to get into any details, but this first GF of mine I could make weak in the knees before and after. Keep it at. Don't let difficulties get you down. Some difficulties can't be avoided because of inexperience and they just have to be dealt with head-on. Roll with the punches. Practice makes perfect and all that. Your efforts are not futile. With each attempt you make progress, more than you know. |
You sound a lot like me. I never dated through highschool, and didn't have any friends and pretty much took shit from everyone all the time. Towards the end of grade 12, I met some really incredible people who actually made me feel wanted, and I've really started to come out of my "shell" (I hate using cliche terms like that) though I'm still really uncomfortable in groups of people. But yeah, I don't really know if there's any point to this, except that stuff works out eventually, you just have to find the right people that you "fit" with...
Oh yeah, what type of stuff do you ride? (I ride MTB as well...) |
technical moutnain biking. There is this place about an hour and 45 min away called vultures knob. Its in pennslyvania. Anyway, its featured in mtb magazines all the time> they have awesome downhills great bridges made of logs and stream crossings and very technical downhills.
Its geat. Well its good to know that im not the only one. I emailed the running girl and said I had suddenly rememberd I needed to do homework (i actually did, i dont like to lie...lucky this truth worked). Then I emailed her this... "Is the blind guy gana be there thurs? It isnt as motivating running behind him as it is you but I think his pace is a little more realistic for me right now" I havent gotten a response back for either of them yet. Kinda worried I blew it. I had some breakthrews in class. The girl in psych class who is great (who is in the early stages of dating someone, i think she is on the second date) well i initiated a conversatio with her (I saw her in the computer testing lab the other day so I asked her how she did). the instructor came in not long after that so we didnt talk much but throughout the class i would look at her, then when she looked at me i would look away, after about 3 times of this I didnt look away and she smiled. Cant be a bad thing i guess. Then, when i was waiting for fiction appreciation class to start i came up on a bench with a girl from class sitting on it, I went right up and sat my butt down right beside hers and said "hows it going"? At first, I would say something and she would respond then silence. I kept at it, asking personal questions and then eventually she just blabbed and blabbed on her own! I just kept it going with little comments of how why when where? etc. She is also older than me (im guessing 24?) but it cant hurt to practice. I was so close in psych class to casually asking the girl if she wanted to grab a cup of coffe (there is a neto coffe house on campus) but ended up not doing it. One step at a time I guess later |
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That's rad about the psych class girl. Unless she mentions a boyfriend or something, you should go for it. That's the thing I love about college, there's so many people that I figure if I do something dumb with someone, it's pretty easy to avoid them or whatever since there's so many people.:D |
Hey thats great. I was in Canada this past winter taking a Canadian Avalanche Association certification course. I failed it.
Anyway, I have skied in whistler and its big, but honestly I dont like it as much as some smaller resorts. I mean, its got a lot of acerage but you dont really ski the bottom half of the moutnain anyway.. good for cruisers if you like that sort of stuff I guess. Only problem is if i mess it up I will have to see her everyday from now till end of the 5 weeks. Oh well, there are only 1.5 weeks left anyway. |
You're young, busy and don't have a lot of time. Most people are busy and don't have much time. They walk around with blinders on and don't think of all the potential mates they walk by every day.
You won't meet many girls in the gymn or on the street. I found my last three girlfriends on dreammates (www.dreammates.com). There are dozens of dating services like this. I had dates with a half dozen or so before I found my sweetie. I had dates two or three nights a week. Women get on the computer and then they have time to look for dates. There are thousands of women looking for you. There's a few dogs, but some are just busy students or too busy and prefer finding dates on the internet. Find a few girls, not just one. It does wonders for your ego. Pick one you like best after dating them all and then dump the rest. Worked for me and I'm an ugly, old, fat fart. |
That made me smile lol.
I actually posted another topic on online dating services. Isnt there kind of a stigma about them? Bah, there i go again thinking too much. It couldnt hurt to use it as another resource. How much does it cost? |
You pay nothing to look. You buy some credits to send messages to potential mates. Maybe a buck or two each. So you buy a whack of credits, like $10 or $20 worth. Not too many, you might luck out and never use all your credits. The women can respond for free (I think).
Then you can send subsequent messages to that person for free, but I think it's better to exchange email addresses as soon as possible. |
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How many people are there in the class? I'm used to pretty big classes so it might be totally different... |
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Why are you so hung up on this age thing? We old people like friends and lovers too!
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When I was your age Washington, I was lucky enough to find an older woman or two who were kind enough to teach me a couple of things about how to please a lady. Don't get hung up on age, you're not in high school anymore. Sounds like you're getting a lot more confidence, just keep doing what you're doing and you'll be a ladies man in no time.
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I guess I just worry that I cant go out and do things because im not 21.
These are summer classes so there are only about 15 people per class. |
im not going to say much here, apart from one little point about the age thing....
esp at college (university here :P ) people KNOW people. u might meet some girl who is 24, who knows someone who is 22 who knows someone who is 19. get to know the 24 year old, and through that i can guarantee one day you may strike up a relationship with the 22 year old, even if its just a passing "hey hows it going?" every time u see her at Uni. the more people you know regardless of age, the more potential friends you have access to. btw, this thread has put a huge smile on my face as i can relate to alot of things that people have been saying. oh and another thing which im probably just repeating is ENJOY YOURSELF! have fun and stop trying too hard. play it cool and be yourself and friends will appear almost out of nowhere. i can guarantee it. i can alerady see this happening from the reports youve given. anyway ill stop blabbering, damn distractions from studying :) |
I would recommend going to some parties and tryign to meet people there.
You sound like your on a very healthy system and that its working for you, but if your going to colledge and want to meet women and have a good time I'd definatly try to find some parties. |
Hey Washington, it's been really good to watch this thread (and you!) progress. I don't know that I can add much to what everyone else has already said, but don't worry about the age difference between you and your running friends. Just remember: if they didn't like you, they wouldn't want to hang out with you. Do you relate to what they have to say when you're running with them? You come across in here as being "mature enough".
Also, if you do get asked out somewhere that you can go to (and that age restriction will be history all too soon!), if you'd like to go, just go. Only say no if otherwise the world will end. Above all, relax, be yourself and ENJOY, and don't be afraid to let other people enjoy you! :) "Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt." |
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Also, about the age thing, I'm 19 and even before I was 19 (drinking age here) I had plenty of friends who were older than me by up to 14 years even. Sure I couldn't go to the bar or whatever with them, but they don't spend ALL their time in the bars or whatever, and so I hang out with them at other places/times. I don't really see much more of them or anything since I turned 19 and could go out to the bar... |
You'll probably oversee my reply but whatever.
I'm glad noone i know can read this board so im gonna tell it anyways. You're probably not the only one. I'm 21 and only have had 1 gf, that didn't last long. I met her on the net ( yeah im a loser ) so we started going out. She hugged me and kissed me , i was pretty happy about the way things were going at the time. Until i left her house went home and started to miss her intensly after a few days. She was busy with college for a week, so i contacted her and asked if we could meet again fast. After a while ( around 2 weeks if i remember correctly ) it bothered her and she said hey if your gonna whine all day this relationship won't do me no good, so she broke up with me. My heart was crushed, but at the other hand i only knew this girl for a couple weeks it was pathetic. And at the time i had no friends, and i was looking for a girl to make my life completly you know? But i figured it would never work. Im currently looking out for a girl i know at school. Goddamn gorgous and my type. But i don't know her at all so it's kinda hard to take an approach and tlak to her about something. She'll probably think im a weirdo for going over to talk to her anyways. Friday morning i arrived at school and their she sat around with my schoolfriends. They didn't know her but she was studying some papers. I almost had the guts to talk to her about something like "hey what are you studying ?" but i didn't.:mad: |
I am the same way and slowly getting better. The best advice I can give you is its now or never. Its all up to you to face your fears/anxieties (whatever they may be). Second of all, if you want something done, you gotta do it yourself. Friends and family are nice to have, but you have to make stuff happen. You cannot sit back and hope everything works out. Thirdly, be yourself as others have said. Do not try to be someone else. You cannot be someone else all your life.
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alterEGO,
man I dont know if im in the posistion to give adivce yet or not, but I'll tell you this: i asked someone out two days ago. She essentially said no and I said something like "alright, thats too bad your missing out". You know what? I felt like a million bucks. I started signing a long to sohpie B hawkings "as I lay me down" in my truck as I drove home. I got turned down but for the first time in my life I....I inniated the contact and I found out if it might work out... it didnt but im so damn glad I know that and am not still thinking about her right now wondering. (well okay iam thinking about her because im writing this but anyway). Im gana ask that older girl in my ethics class if she wants to get some coffee after our study group this wednessday. I dont even care what she says im just so damn happy I KNOW I am going to actually ask her. Forks, I think you kinda have the right idea for me, its good to relax and mess around but im not going to stop working out (i dont just do it to better my appearance, I need it to do my job in the winter). once I get friends I would be happy to go drinking with the at a party...but you need to know people and know where there is a party before this can happen.... |
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Hehe I know, I have the CD but dont like any other song on it besides that one....
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Just wanted to say that I support almost everything he said. Go for it! |
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okay, as of today we only have one more day left. The older girl whom I talk to every day and sit by ive kinda written off since she is almost graduated and moving to florida this fall. However, there are 3 other girls in the class who I wouldnt mind getting to know better. So, today while filling out the instructor review cards, I decided to "time" my finishing with her finishing so I could talk to her while we walked to our cars... Well her dang friend seemed to have the same idea as me and somehow they both finished at the same exact time so I knew I wouldnt be alone with her. But I still told myself "im not getting out of this, im talking to her whether im alone with her, whether her friend is there, even if I dont have anything to say...im GOING to talk to her" So, in the way out i followed them for a few feet trying to think of somethign to say. luckily, she did it for me and turned around and asked how my study group went last night. I told her "it was good" and started talking about the class and the final tomorrow. She turned to her friend and before I knew it, it was just me and her. I told her I could send the outline I made for the test to her via email if she wanted. She said okay and I asked for her email. I got it. We said some other stuff and that was it. Now that I think about it, her friend was waiting for her at her car . So it couldnt have been that they had to go seperate ways. she must have told her friend to bug off.... There are a million reasons I can think of to not ask her but in her email I told her to let me know how she does on the exam and if she replies im gana ask her if she wants to get together. well see. |
Getting drunk and wandering into some random party in a college town always worked for me. I would have a great night and meet lots of people, only some of which I could remember.
Also you said everyone at your gym was 30 or 40... Do they have kids? maybe they might be willing to introduce you.. You are a healthy guy that is in the gym, not doing drugs. |
haha, the shotgun method always works i guess.
I asked 4 girls for their emails and got 3. Thats not too bad. I know have 5 emails adresses of girls. Heh, now the hard part (and fun part...) Lata! |
hey washington, I just want to know how you said to that girl "alright, thats too bad you're missing out". and what was her reaction to it? Because that can be taken as a really fucked up comment in some senses...
does anyone agree? just curious... |
Hmm..I dont see how it could be interperated like that.
I just meant that she would be missing out on having a fun time. What do you mean? I dont understand how it could be mean or anything... She said "I bet" heh... I think I was too fast with her, I didnt build rapport...I just kinda ask for it after we talked for like 1 min. With the other girls, I waited longer before I asked. It seems like it worked. |
Well some people can say "well your loss" and can make it sound real snooty and pretentious. Personally if someone said that to me, that I didn't know, that had just asked me out, I would take it the wrong way and be like well I'm glad I said no... But that's just me and with only certain people. It just all depends on how you said it...
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If i remember correctly, I kinda of said it as though it were a question or invitation to re-consider..
Like i raised the pitch of the last word. Anyway...I dont care what shes glad of, she said no and thats all it is. Im concentrting on the emails that I did get :} |
I want to reiterate the desperation point. I don't want to relate girls to dogs (my girlfriend wouldn't be pleased!) but girls can smell fear! A rare few like it, and a sad few take advantage of it, but the vast and most pleasant majority shy away from it.
Start as friends and see where it goes. And if you see a cute girl walking along, 1) smile at her, and if she smiles back, 2) approach her or say something complimentary, depending on your distance from her, etc., and 3) talk a bit and, before leaving, ask for her number! Trust me, it's a good bit. BTW, I met my girlfriend of 9 months through a mutual friend (who I had been hitting on at one point...DOH!) |
Hey everyone, I put my pic up on exhibition.
Its not nude, and is safe for work.. I thought I would start off with somethind mild... http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...threadid=11993 Let me know what you think thanks |
It says that I don't have permission to access the page
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probably because you don't have enough posts
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Get your friends to have their girlfriends set you up on double dates or even blind dates. If you don't have friends, make some.
Get on Yahoo! and start sending e-mail to those wacky chicks who post personals on there. There's a million of 'em. Go screw one of those ho's, get your confidence up, then try to find a nice girl that will cook your breakfast and let you fuck her in the ass. |
lol. Sounds like a plan :}
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Relax. Quit a sport or two and take up drinking or smoking pot or listening to cool music and going to concerts. You'll get laid when you least expect it. Hell, I didn't get laid until I was friggin' 24 years old. Now it seems like I can fuck any chick I want. It's all about confidence and a shit-eatin' grin. Make fun of yourself but don't be pathetic. Don't whine. Act like you can take it or leave it. It's cliche as hell but it works. Turn off your computer and make a couple friends.
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I feel your pain man, glad things are getting better. I've learned a few things. One, you gotta be a man, and that means you have to be confident. You can make them think you know what's going on, even if you don't. Two, don't be afraid of failure, cause there are a lot of girls out there, and not all of them want you.
Mabye there's some truth to that bit about loving yourself before you can love others... |
Do something social rather than the individualistic stuff. Team sport, something weird like yoga, which is helpful for weight training as well, ceroc dancing, tango, a book club, any random club or soceity that might interest you? These activities are good because even if don't get introduced to people you are regonised away from classes and can start a conversation easier. You'll be surprised at what type of people share your interests. Aspire to be the person you want to be, but be sure that aspiration is not false.
Temet Nosce "Know thyself" |
I just read throught his thread, and man do i have a big smile on my face right now :D
I am so happy that you're getting more and more confident, and asking girls out, heck i might even get inspired to do so myself, god knows i could use it, heheh. I say keep up the good work man, it sounds like you're on the right path! (But dont ask out to many girls in a row, you might end up being considered a skirtchaser (or something along those lines, i'm not quite sure what expression to use) Happy hunting :)) |
As a little followup to my other post i would like to say one thing:
You are going to be let down by some of the girls, if not a lot of them. I know this is not exactly the way you would like things to be, but hear this: That is the way woman works, some like you, others will ditch you with the blink of an eye. Dont care to much about that, it's they who are missing out, not you - you will find someone else, and believe me - you will. The important thing is to keep going, dont be let down by some random girl who dosent want anything to do with you no mather how nice you are. Just keep at it. |
Relax...Whether your fat or not, friendship will come to those who just let it happen, be your self, get involved in somthing that is giving of yourself (always helps your self esteem level)...Most of us try way too hard to impress people with what we think is attractive, and most of us have no idea what we look like to other people...at 19 your still a baby, it will happen.
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Ack, I just found this thread, and it seems like the last post was on the 26th. I'm honestly intrigued, and can't wipe this grin off my face. Did this move somewhere else or have the posts just stopped?
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Sorry, been quite busy and havnt had the chance to give an update. I still have no girlfriend and well, no friend at all for that matter.
I dont run with the new running partners anymore. The people who run at my pace hardly every show up, and the faster runners just waste me. I dont have time for friends anyway, at least thats what I tell myself. Later |
Oh I forgot to tell you, of the two emails I got, one never emailed me back, I emailed her again a week alter, and now a week after that I have yet to recieve anything from her, so much for that...it would have been so much nicer if she would have just told me to F off from the get go.
The second girl is 24 and it turns out was trying to find a nice way to get rid of me. So much for that. Im going to the shooting range this weekend (never been before). I havnt ever fired a gun before but for some reason I have been wanting to lately. |
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