Ball busting among guys...
 

My friends and I, we talk shit about people a lot, but we never talk about eachother. Not even kidding around, we treat eachother with respect most of the time. We also don't "rough-house" with eachother. However, I just started working with this guy and that is how his sense of humor is. He is always talking shit and "busting our balls". My question is how many people frequently do this kind of shit with their friends?

of course we do it. that is how we gain trust with each other. If we didn't trust each other we wouldn't do it at all. We respect each other so we know when to stop but what's a bunch of friends if ya can't rag on each other some?

Yeah my friends and I do that sometimes since the trust & respect is there, but not to a major extent.

Most people who do the "Hah hah hah [big smack on the back], I was just bustin' yer balls!!!" thing tend to be really annoying and abrasive in general, so I don't associate with them.

We do that constantly. My friends in high school sometimes went over the line, but now that I'm in college, none of my friends go too far.

Most of my friends don't do it too much (I think we all do it at least a bit though). There are one or two who do, and it does get tiring after a while.

my philosiphy is....

if we didnt like you, we wouldnt be talking to you at all! consider it his way of showing you that you are buddies.

Agreed. Besides, how can you share your deepest darkest fears with someone who isn't going to laugh and make it into a funny joke. :)

all the time... why? because it's a term of endearment to our friendship.

Yeah dude, all the time. I'm a professional ball buster. It's like saying hello and good bye with the type of people I hang out with most of the time. I've always hung around athletes and alpha males for the most part and busting balls is just something we have always done. It's like breathing for us, quite normal. In fact, we're way more likely to bust each other's balls than to spend time talking about people who aren't around. It's way more fun to give someone a hard time when they're right there.

I suppose I should add that there is a certain 'etticate' to busting balls and some dudes are just plain annoying or just assholes. If this guy is crossing the line than you should confront him about it. It's a lot more fun to bust someone's balls when they don't take it well too, so don't make yourself an easy target by getting easily worked up.

I hope my insight into this behavior has helped you in some way.

Yea man, constantly. Like above, there are un-written, un-spoken rules that everyone obeys. But everything else is fair game.

yeah all my mates do it. It's part of being a guy really.

It's bullshit macho nonsense.

thats a pretty articulate post! why is it bullshit? you have it all wrong but id like to hear why its bullshit. please enlighten me

Yea me and all my friends bust each others balls all the time we all the limit on what can be said. Its just the way we bond if you want to call it that.

In other words, squash how you feel about being made fun of in order to be 'one of the guys'. Bullshit.

I appreciate the sentiment that it's not serious, that it's banter between friends, that it helps you form a thicker skin, but it's still macho alpha-male posturing.

Hmmm, I suppose that's true..

But if you want to hang with my group of friends, you gotta be able to take heat.

It all depends on specifics, but I say there's a fine line between 'heat' and just simple bullying.

Believe me, I'm not alien to the situation you're talking about, and I dealt a fair bit of 'heat' myself, before I saw it for what it was and stopped it. I found myself singling out particular people in my group, putting them down - jokingly, although these things have a habit of getting more and more extreme - in front of our mutual friends, and enjoying the laughs I got from them as a result.

It was just cruel and unnecessary, and it revealed something about me that I considered ugly and base. So I don't do it anymore.

Yeah, none of that has ever happened with my friends.. Sometimes one of us would get annoyed and get pissed, but we'd stop as soon as that happened.

If someone carried it out that far, I'd question whether they were a true friend or not. None of my friends would ever do that..

There has to be a level of respect among friends, and I think if banter turns into openly making fun of someone, that's an indication that there's no respect. While my friends and I like to push each others buttons and go back and forth, I would never, ever call what we do "making fun of each other".

its just in good fun. if you (not anyone here, just in general) are mature enough to know the difference between playful banter and humiliating someone, its a good outlet. if you or your group of friends does not know where the line needs to be drawn, you should dissasociate yourself from them.

I dunno, though, nobody knows what's going through another person's mind. I do see what you're saying, I'm just of the opinion that one man's playful banter could be another guy's character assassination. And there he is, smiling and laughing about it on the outside, while inside he's curling into a ball.

Just seems unhealthy to me. I've never wanted for topics of conversation since abandoning my 'banter' tendencies, it's not something I've needed to do.

With my group of friends anyway, there are definate limits, and no one really gets singled out. By cracking a joke at one guy, you are just asking for them to send a retort back.

Everyone else enjoys both jokes, and we all laugh and have a good time. Thats the way I see it anyway, not as alpha-male posturing, because no one ever really gets the upper hand.

No it's not.

If anyone despises the whole "bullshit macho" whatever, it's me. Trust me.

I do this with my friends. Why? Because that's how we are. It's how we've always been.

Some friends I do it with, others I don't. Depends on who gets all pissy and bent out of shape.

My friends and I constantly bust each others balls. Sometimes the line gets crossed and it can get ugly, like flamingdog suggested, but being guys, we just "discuss" it and move on. I don't think that we've ever involved anyone against their will, nor do I think that we've pushed the envelope with others so as to make them uncomfortable.

I think there are two different types of "ball busting".

One one hand you have the "character assassaination" that flamingdog described which is, essentially, a bullying that occurs within a group of friends--an event not unlike the playful wrestling of dogs in order to establish the alpha, the beta, and so forth. This is probably the most basic of all our male social rituals.

On the other hand you have a playful banter that replaces "deep" or "emotional" conversations about character flaws that the individuals involved might identify within their friends. It is far easier to "bust your friend's balls" over his choice of clothing or taste in music or eating habits than it is to sit him him down and explain that he has bad taste and looks like an idiot, that the music he listens to is uninspired and is indicative of poor self-education in that specific facet of his life, or that he eats like swine leaning into it's trough.

Obviously it would be much more effective to address this directly with a person but unfortunately most relationships between men are not constructed to handle these type of interactions. Those on the receiving end of this information typically grow defensive and then angry, while those communicating typically deliver it in a condesending manner that makes it difficult to digest.

That's a pretty interesting take on it... although doesn't it come down to the same thing at the end of the day, ie treating your friends like shit?

To answer your question: no.

With all respect, your answers so far in this thread do nothing to convince me that you are anything other than what I am suggesting. You clearly think I'm wrong, when to me, it's not even black and white, and you give no explanation as to why it's that simple. Whyn't you bust my balls a bit, huh?

:thumbsup:

Whyn't you keep being a smart ass? :thumbsup:

I don't give a shit about what I convince you of, because I already stated that if anyone hates the egotistical male BS that goes on, it's me.

My friends and I poke fun at each other. It's not really a big deal. It really isn't. If you want to play backyard psychologist and believe that there's more to it, be my guest.

If one person was constantly belittling one other person, then yeah, I suppose that COULD evolve into a problem down the road. But a group of friends who equally BS each other isn't really a problem.

You're so sore about it that you attitude towards others is pretty ridiculous.

You're right, I should just take that for granted. Especially as your one-word, condescending, sarcastic answers simply do not bear me out at all.

*slaps back* hey dude, I'm only busting your balls.

its part of being guy...if you cant take it get snipped.

Ok, this is me doing my best not to resort to name calling and ball busting, but whatever. I suppose everyone is entitled to their opinion. I would agree that it's alpha-male. Is that a bad thing to be in your opinion?

Hmm, that's a teaser. I mean, my immediate reaction is yes, of course. If it wasn't for this need for human one-upmanship (I'm tempted to say 'male' but I don't think it's necessarily confined to men) I don't know that we'd have the fucked up world that we do. However, it's the way we're made. We are just animals, after all.

Personally, I feel that rational human beings can - and should - evolve beyond the 'pack' mentality. Just my opinion.

Wow, you got all that from "no"? :lol:

So far, you're just showing that you're a troll.

I made a simple post stating how I'm against typical macho male BS and said that I do this with my friends. I'm TELLING you it's not a problem like you're describing. Someone pokes fun at me, I do it right back. I poke fun at someone, they do it back. No one is "curling into a ball". No one's getting pissy about it. Which one of us is me here? You? I don't think so.

Should you take it for granted? Sure. What, I'm just gonna lie about it? Yeah, sorry, it's all in a big plot to foil your "Ball busting male" thread :rolleyes:

I'm sorry you can't handle the fact that not every situation like this is nearly harmful as what you're describing.

I don't think so. I think, in some cases, it becomes an attempt to reach out to someone under the cover of playful banter. In common society I think a male who wants to talk to another male about his feelings or the like would quickly be jabbed with insightful comments like "shut up fag." Guys know this and they generally understand how to operate within the "guy rules" to reach the necessary objective.

Example: Your buddy has been dumped by his long-term girlfriend. You take him out to a strip club and get him drunk. You sooth his wounds by distracting him with flesh and then give him drink so that you can talk more openly about his pain under the guise of drunkeness. You and your friend can talk about his pain, drown the sorrow, and not step into the "realm of women" by blathering on and on about the situation over tea or lunch.

Understand, I think that this is all rather silly, but for those who aren't so secure with themselves it is apparently a necessary evil to preserve one's sense of manhood. However, even given the silliness of the whole thing, I don't think it is malicious at it's core.

No I am not trolling, I am stating an opinion that is contrary to yours.

Well, for one thing, you said nothing to back it up. I was just interested in seeing what you said if questioned on it. I have a simple gregarious interest in what and how other people think. For another, this isn't my thread. And for a third, there's no need to be so defensive. I'm not attacking you.

All I did was open the possibility that was, so far, not explored here, that this harmless behaviour might not be so harmless. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know, I was kicking off a discussion about it.

Anyone can click around a forum depositing statements of their positions, that teaches nobody anything. I'm not forcing you to keep posting these increasingly derisive responses, I just wanted to discuss it.

Edit: incidentally, i acknowledge that my first post in this thread wasn't exactly up to scratch. sorry about that.

Why is ball busting such a big deal to some of you guys? I really don't understand how it can be so traumatic. It's just good natured teasing between the fellas. It's funny, even when you're the one getting your balls busted. Man, I grew up around this kind of stuff so maybe I'm just having a hard time understanding some of the more sensitive guys in here. Please explain this for me, anyone....

Well basically, I think it's just like I said, it can cross the line between banter and bullying pretty easily, and it's not always gonna be the case that if you genuinely damage someone's feelings, they'll necessarily pipe up, because... well, like you said, if they don't take it too well, you just go at them harder. It's a vicious circle.

But it's a two-way avenue, because I think what my 'banter' revealed about me (and TO me) was that I was a snappy, irritable, grouchy bastard with just enough charisma to deliver his putdowns with a social veil of humour. What's more, the more laughs I got, the more I did it. And there were times I would bring the whole room to giggles. That makes you feel good.

But it's a really sick, fucked up business to be in. I'm genuinely ashamed of that period in my life, and I've messed up friendships because of it.

Now, I'm not saying anyone here is doing this, I'm just highlighting the link between ball-busting and these kind of self-serving putdowns.

It caused me to take a good, hard look at myself, and make some changes.

Nor am I suggesting that we all abandon the good-natured ribbing and form a gender-wide group hug while we reconnect with our inner children, I'm just saying there's a risk of alienation and pain inherent in this kind of thing. It only takes one ill-judged comment to hurt someone badly. You can never take back what you say, and if they don't air it for discussion, you've got one bruised individual there, and not a damn thing you can do to fix it.

I couldn't agree with you more on this point and a couple others you made in your last post. When I talk about busting balls it's only bullshitting with other friends of mine who, like me, don't take that shit seriously. The previous comment I made about not making yourself an easy target was just advice to the original poster who was apparently being bullied a little. I was trying to tell him that if you don't react, then the bully will lose interest in you. Friends don't keep going at a guy who doesn't take it well or doesn't give it back to you. And busting balls is no excuse for just being an out and out miserable dickhead. Like I said earlier, it really is a fine line to tread on and you really shouldn't fuck around with sensitive people or dim wits who can't fuck with you back, that's not really what it's about.

Great post, man. Don't really have anything more to add. :thumbsup:

I choose to be friends with people that can handle honesty. From me and to me. If my friend has a problem im there for him emotionally regardless. I understand the whole male complex theory but I dont buy into it and I dont believe that its cool to talk shit about people. Thats my opinion.

same here, chill with my group of buds, in for a world of hurt and tears. But dont tear, you'll just be in for more hurt.

LOL.

me and my mates "mock the shit" out of each other constintly...

on any given night that we get together, you could expect to be mocked about any silly little thing you've done in the last 18 years of your life... we all know its just jokes... and we all enjoy it. we don't single out one person, its "all on all"... no1 goes home offended. and we all have a great time.

Friendly bullshit is fine; I've been there and done that, and you can tell it's friendly because it's kind of like the best of stand-up comedy: -- which finds the truth in some things by pointing out absurdities that we all gloss over or try to ignore.

What's not so friendly is when you're in a group and one guy, the big dog or someone who thinks he is, takes it a little farther than good clean fun with a new guy or a less connected guy, just because he can. Especially if it's _not_ okay for some guys to say some things, but it's fine for the big dog. I tend to avoid groups like that; besides, they tend to consist mainly of one or two big dogs and a bunch of suckups.

I also don't like it when somebody ribs you for some mistake -- like cutting a fart -- and keeps ribbing you about it the next three or four times even though you haven't done it again. Some people are just clueless, tiresome, jerks.

Gawd I miss giving my guy friends titty twisters and a nice swift kick in the balls. Those were the days :lol:

LOL. i dun know about the kick in the balls... but nipple cripples are a common occurence in our group of mates too!!! :lol:

Haha, we had a year in highschool where everyone in my class walked down the hall with their hands on their nipples. If you didn't, you were just a moving target.

yer that is basically how it is sometimes among my friends...

it gets hard to drink wen u have both hands covering both nipples! but my brother seems to be immune to it... u can hold, pinch, twist, and pull his nipples all u want and he just looks at u and says "WAT?"

HeeHeeHee... *sigh* good times!

I don't mind if one of my friends decides to flip me some shit in a friendly manner. I think many guys have that relationship with their male friends. Personally, I think it is a "safe" way to express appreciation, affection, or tell your friend they are being an ass. However, there are some very basic lines that we know not to cross, and my friends read each others' reactions very well. If someone starts going over the line, they know about it pretty damn quick. A lot of how I react depends on the tone of their voice and body language.

If someone who isn't my friend starts flipping me shit, I react very differently. It usually comes from big people who do it because they think they can get away with it, and really short guys who think they have something to prove. It's usually in a malicious tone, and reuslts in a hell of an earful from me.

Talking shit about your friends proves that you know each other well enough to not take anything personally. If we talked to strangers like we do to each other, we'd all be dead in a week. No, make that three days.

This whole thread is kinda silly because females do this too - and often.

I'm friends with a LOT of females, and they crack jokes and rip on each other (and their male counterparts) just as much as males do, so it's not like it's some kind of "alpha male domination" tactic or anything deeper than what it appears to be.

There are people who can easily tolerate immense amounts of sarcasm, and there are others who can't.

I highly doubt anyone here in this thread is ripping on someone so much that the other person goes home and cries. Does it happen? I'm sure it does somewhere in the world, but not from anyone here.

Even still, if the person is getting ripped on to the point of "cowering inside", then they should grow a pair, tell their "friends" off, fuckin walk away, and never talk to them again.

There are two extremes - being a bully, and being severely weak to the point where you have NO IDEA what to do when confronted with such issues. If it bothers you, speak the fuck up and do something about it. Otherwise, it's just common, "You actually like Britney Spears? What a pussy..." (if you'd really take offense to that.. then I feel bad for ya)

What is up with people calling "ball-busting" a guy thing?

My wife is the same way. Every girl she knows is either a bitch, a slut, a whore, a cum bag, etc. So she is to them as well. I think it's based upon the idea of, if I didn't like you I would beat your ass for calling me that. Since I do like you, then you are also a cum-guzzling whore - give me a hug!

Of course I base all of my interpersonal relationships off of the characters in Married With Children. I am still auditioning for my perfect Marcy foil - I've already got the red headed wife that doesn't like to clean (heh, I've never thought about her that way before, that's pretty funny).

Huh. I hang out in mixed company almost all the time -- aside from some mild ragging and running jokes there's nothing you'd call "ball-busting" at all.

Maybe it's just a question of choosing to spend time with people who don't piss you off.

I've played sports all my life and well it's just second nature to take the piss out of your buddies. I mean I've had the same friends for so long if I couldn't bust their balls and vice versa I'd think there is something wrong.