My Shadow Self

[Zeraph]

I’ve had a sort of epiphany recently that has to do with people. Generally in public without friends or family to keep me “out” I tend to withdraw from people and become cold and distant. Well I think I’ve figured out partially why, it’s cause I fucking hate them. But no seriously, 93% of people I fucking hate their guts.

I think the cold and distant thing (happens totally automatically) is a coping mechanism I created some time ago to deal with people, because otherwise, I’d be a total prick. And it’s not so much that I hate them, strangers, personally, but it’s the fact that I can’t be myself around them and not be happier in public that I hate. Maybe what I’m getting at is the deep social masks we all put on, but it has more of a negative effect on me.

Something that’s interesting that had a part in making me realize this is that one of my newer friends (from this semester) was surprised when I told him what kind of music I liked (Black Sabbath, led zep, korn, etc.) He had thought I’d like much more mellow laid back music. The major thing that made me realize this [epiphany] though, was an incident that involved one of my teachers emailing me something that totally changed a 12 page paper (after I had already done it) that really pissed me off and yet during class time we interact in a friendly manner, and in some way I considered her to be one of my better teachers, but I realized I fucking hate her too. May not seem like much, but it snapped into place for me.

Any-hooo don’t get the wrong picture and think I’m depressed or something, I’m coping and learning so I see it in a positive light. That’s what we do, suffer and learn. Ain’t that life.

Anyone else ever feel what I'm getting at?

[snowy]

I think hate is a really strong word to use.

To hate 93% of the human population isn't normal or healthy. While you may not be depressed, this hatred of others seems to suggest there is something seriously wrong with your psyche. Hating people for no reason whatsoever is, quite frankly, stupid, immature, and childish.

This is not a self-realization to be proud of.

[Caranthir]

Originally Posted by Zeraph

But no seriously, 93% of people I fucking hate their guts.

And it’s not so much that I hate them, strangers, personally, but it’s the fact that I can’t be myself around them and not be happier in public that I hate. Maybe what I’m getting at is the deep social masks we all put on, but it has more of a negative effect on me.

Your main problem seems to be self-denial. There are many causes for this, including the lack of self-confidence, focus and caring too much about the little things in life. I continually go through this process, and time and time again I will believe that I have the strength and focus to get through life and start becoming an adult. By the week is over, I'm back to my weak, pathetic self daydreaming for hours on end about projects that will never be completed, sometimes about my so-called 'perfection,' even though I haven't really accomplished anything for humanity.

I can only speak from my personal experiences so here's what I've discovered. The mind creates fabrications from imagination about itself to try to prove that it's somehow worth a damn, while in reality nothing was done to prove that self-worth. Therefore, it all comes down to hating one's self for not meeting up to their own personal expectations. A man can dream about becoming God, but leave them idle and they become the devil's playground. For some reason, I cannot get this through my thick skull.

A single moment will not end your life. Build up some self-confidence and realize that life is a stage, but that doesn't mean that when someone makes a mistake the play is halted to fix it. It keeps flowing just as a movie should. Your dream will not exist to others unless you show it. And then all shall pass as planned.

[Seeker]

You hate that you can't be yourself in public or you actually hate them? Sorry, I'm confused.

[Zeraph]

Originally Posted by onesnowyowl

I think hate is a really strong word to use.

To hate 93% of the human population isn't normal or healthy. While you may not be depressed, this hatred of others seems to suggest there is something seriously wrong with your psyche. Hating people for no reason whatsoever is, quite frankly, stupid, immature, and childish.

This is not a self-realization to be proud of.

I actually agree with what you said, you didn't understand my original post, not that I'm blaming you, my thoughts came through as jumbled but I don't know how else I can communicate it. To be clear I don't actually hate everyone.

And on another note, in your view I'm "stupid, immature, and childish" so why the hostile words? I don't go around to children and call them stupid and immature, or visit mental institions and call people crazy... and yet you take the time to post to basically insult someone who is seeking help.

[Zeraph]

Originally Posted by Caranthir

Your main problem seems to be self-denial. There are many causes for this, including the lack of self-confidence, focus and caring too much about the little things in life. I continually go through this process, and time and time again I will believe that I have the strength and focus to get through life and start becoming an adult. By the week is over, I'm back to my weak, pathetic self daydreaming for hours on end about projects that will never be completed, sometimes about my so-called 'perfection,' even though I haven't really accomplished anything for humanity.

I can only speak from my personal experiences so here's what I've discovered. The mind creates fabrications from imagination about itself to try to prove that it's somehow worth a damn, while in reality nothing was done to prove that self-worth. Therefore, it all comes down to hating one's self for not meeting up to their own personal expectations. A man can dream about becoming God, but leave them idle and they become the devil's playground. For some reason, I cannot get this through my thick skull.

A single moment will not end your life. Build up some self-confidence and realize that life is a stage, but that doesn't mean that when someone makes a mistake the play is halted to fix it. It keeps flowing just as a movie should. Your dream will not exist to others unless you show it. And then all shall pass as planned.

This is helpful thank you. I never really thought I had a self-confidence problem, but maybe I do. I think the reason this has confused me is because with some things I have all the self-confidence in the world...or at least I thought I did, maybe I havn't learned the meaning.

I do care too much about the little things in life, and the self-denial struck home as well. I too go through these 7-14 day cycles where for the majority of the time I'll be fine, getting many things done, but then at the end of the week I just get angry and upset about every little thing, and get nothing done and daydream. But self-denial about what? Denying that Im not perfect?

And that whole last paragraph is helpful too. Thank you, this was what I was looking for when I wrote my original post. Im still not sure if yours is the same as my problem but it has given me something to think about.

Anyone else want to share? ... and not just ridicule like a certain un-named person.

[Zeraph]

Originally Posted by Seeker

You hate that you can't be yourself in public or you actually hate them? Sorry, I'm confused.

The first one. Again sorry for the confusion, part of that was venting.

[snowy]

Originally Posted by Zeraph

I actually agree with what you said, you didn't understand my original post, not that I'm blaming you, my thoughts came through as jumbled but I don't know how else I can communicate it. To be clear I don't actually hate everyone.

And on another note, in your view I'm "stupid, immature, and childish" so why the hostile words? I don't go around to children and call them stupid and immature, or visit mental institions and call people crazy... and yet you take the time to post to basically insult someone who is seeking help.

Just as I evidently misread your post, you misread mine as well--I said hating people for no reason is stupid, immature, and childish (which I firmly believe and stand by that statement). I never said YOU were any of those things. I'm saying the BEHAVIOR is those things.

I really, really dislike the word "hate" and the idea of "hatred" so please forgive me for my strong reaction. People tend to overuse it without truly understanding the concept of what it means to really "hate" something.

[Seeker]

Zeraph, I'm thinking you could also be quite intelligent and you get really frustrated when other people don't operate with the same regard and intelligence as yourself. I'm getting this from your detachment and withdrawal.

I do this myself, but tend to withdraw more. This gives me trouble when I try to 'get out there' and get a job... I last only 1 - 3 years, but cannot cope with the stupidity and politics that occur so I crash and burn, then disappear (withdraw - fuck society, it's all stupid!). This doesn't help with my self-confidence issues. I think there is something wrong with me - everybody else doesn't seem to have a problem coping - what's with me!

If none of this is relevant - sorry for my dribble... but may I ask what are your daydreams? (I realise this could be a little too personal, but I was just looking for another avenue of exploration to get to the bottom of it and possibly help )

[ryborg]

Here is something that has helped me out:

When I feel like there is something wrong I ask myself what the problem is. Am I feeling depressed? Am I feeling angry? Once I figure out what the problem is I ask myself, "why?" Why am I feeling depressed? Why am I feeling angry? This part can be the most difficult, but the trick is to be completely honest with yourself. Finally, if you think the answer you discovered may be a problem for you, accept it. DO NOT DENY IT. Once you can come to accept a problem for what it really is (a problem) you will be able to start doing something about it, and eventually even fix it. So for example:

1. Ask yourself what is bothering you. Is it your inability to be yourself in public? Is it your cold attitude towards others?

2. Ask yourself why this is a problem. Why do I feel bad about my inablility to express myself in public? Why do I feel bad about my cold attitude? Remember, be completely honest with yourself, do not deny anything or "dismiss" it because you think its rediculous. Listen to the honest answer, and DO NOT JUDGE IT. Only listen to what your inner self is trying to say.

3. After discovering the answers to the first two questions, ask yourself if you have a problem. If you do, accept that you have a problem. Think honestly and openly about what might have caused the problem. Again, do not pass judgement on the answers you discover. Once you know what is bothering you, and why it is bothering you, you can start taking steps towards fixing it.

For me taking these very simple steps can help you find out what is wrong, find out why it feels wrong, and then help you fix it. I also have a social problem myself, and I denied it and hid it away for two years. Finally, I did the process above, and accepted my problem. Now I am working towards repairing it. You sound like you may be in a similar situation. It really helped me to examine why I felt bad and listen to the honest answers, without passing any judgements over them. If you find that you have a problem, do not deny its existence, and do not deny that something caused it. Once you can accept yourself, you can take the first steps towards repairation.

[tecoyah]

It is a natural state of growth to dislike social environments for many people. There is actually nothing out of the ordinary with this.....most people simply do not admit the feelings. My advice:

Dont worry about it.
Accept people for who they are.
And, Most Importantly. Accept you for who you are.

The rest will come together in time.

[ryborg]

I agree with tecoyah. I think my suggestions earlier will help greatly with the third portion: Accepting you for who you are.

[Zeraph]

onesnowyowl- I still don't think your original post was appropriate, but I don't want to argue

Seeker- Yeah, that's pretty accurate, not dribble. But I'd rather not get into my daydreams, as that's a little more indepth than I'd like to go, maybe I'll PM you though.

ryborg, and tecoyah- Helpful advice, but easier said than done! That is part of the problem, I don't know exactly what's bothering me, or why it does. Something I'll think on.

[lindseylatch]

Originally Posted by Seeker

Zeraph, I'm thinking you could also be quite intelligent and you get really frustrated when other people don't operate with the same regard and intelligence as yourself.

I also do this, and tend to withdraw. It depends on my mood to some extent, but I'm always aware of people and how they're being stupid.

I've found that verbalizing these things (or writing them down) makes it much worse. It becomes like a habit, so I notice stupid people even more.

It does sound like a serious problem, however, if you actually HATE people you've never seen or met. Could be a personality disorder if it's interfering with your social life, school or work.

[ryborg]

Thinking on it is a step in the right direction I think. Understanding yourself will help I believe.