Bentley Little

When I was 3 years old, my family moved into a nice middle class neighborhood and a few houses down the street was another family who welcomed us into the neighborhood. They had a 3 year old boy also. We became instant friends. We soon became best friends and were best friends through high school. We did pretty much everything together.

Well, off to college we go, but to different colleges. We kept in touch occassionally, but not too much since long distance calls were expensive and internet wasn't as available back then as it is now (about 10 years ago). Well, we both graduate, and he takes a job as a Christian Camp Counselor and does so for two years. During those two years, he met a girl who he decides to marry. When I get the cal from him explaining the news to me, I ask, "What should I wear?", figuring he would tell me where to get a tuxedo, since I was going to be in the wedding party. He said to just wear a suit. I was kind of confused.

After hanging up I realized I was not in the wedding party. I found out when I went to the wedding (which by the way was in the freaking forest) that his party consisted of a friend he knew from another school since he was 8 and another fellow football player from jh/hs, no biggies there, but the other two were fellow camp counselors who he had know less than 2 years and the other less than 6 months.

Also, to make things worse, when I got there (which was the day before the wedding), he saw me and told me that he and his friends were going into town to bowl or something like that and he would come get me in my "room" (a f**king shitty log cabin), in about 30 minutes when I got settled in. Well, he never came to get me a went without me.

I never had a falling out with him, either of us never did or said anything to make him not choose me to be in the party. I mean, we had been best friends for 15+ years. We did everything together. And look who he picks for his party.

I want to know, do I have a right to be angry? I have never talked to him again until my wedding when he called (I had to invite him since my parents were doing the logistics and are still good friends with his parents) his father on his cell phone and his dad gave the phone to me so "Jerkoff" could say congrats.

Please let me know what you all think...

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That is my 2 cents.

Prince

Let it go.

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Who is John Galt?

Bentley Little

The thing is that I did a while back, but since he called again during my wedding, it just stirred it up again and I more want to know why now than it is me having a grudge.

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That is my 2 cents.

maleficent

It's not worth the energy getting or staying angry.

People change over the years... Not necessarily for the better, blowing you off was just rude, you made the trip to go to the wedding, so there's no excuse for not getting you, but not asking you to be in the wedding party, I'm not sure was unreasonable. You were asked to celebrate in his wedding, it's not like you were completely uninvited.

Just wish your friend well - and move on...

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Bentley Little

I know staying angry is bad and moving on is good, which I did for the most part, but I don't understand it. I guess that is what really bugs me. Best friends...who knows, maybe he didn't think being friends for 15 years really meant that much...

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That is my 2 cents.

Prince

Not all friendships last forever. Not all of them should, even. A friendship of fifteen years is an admirable achievement, if you ask me.

I doubt you are going to find closure to this one through anything else other than moving on and letting go. It is quite likely, I think, that if you were to bring this up with your "friend", he wouldn't know what you'd be talking about, or why you would seem so upset about it. "Geez man, I called and congratulated you on your wedding, wha' more do you want?"

Some people just are wired that way. They throw something significant away in the blink of an eye, and don't even know why.

It doesn't seem like you blame yourself. It seems as if you blame him. Why not settle for that? Under the circumstances described by you in your posts, that seems like the best closure you're going to find, anyway.

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Who is John Galt?

Bentley Little

You are totally right when you say that... I have thought that all along. Which indicates to me that our friendship really didn't mean as much as I thought it did.

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That is my 2 cents.

Corneo

Well it seems that he doen't want to continue being your friend. Thats ok then you two can just be aquintances from now on.

Cynthetiq

a friend from cub scouts was like that...

I just don't bother to call him anymore when I'm in town...his loss not mine.

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

maleficent

Exactly!

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Rodney

Had a friend do a few things like that. Felt bad, but I just wrote him off. He was blowing a lot of dope at the time.

A couple of years later he looks me up and wants to be buds again, and he brings his new fiance along. So I'm courteous, but when we start talking about "the good old days," I bring up (in a joking-but-not-really-way) some of the shit he pulled. His fiance turned to him and said, "Jeez, Dave, you really were an asshole," and he protested that he didn't remember any of it. Hee hee hee. (Later, she left him for another woman. HEE HEE HEE!)

ishkeb

I'm going to echo a lot of what has already been said: you have to let it go, as he probably didn't even realize it meant that much to you, and relationships can't always last forever, especially when they're long distance. I have a friend who I used to be very close with, I mean I could talk to him about anything, and be completely myself around him (now I'm usually myself around everyone, but that's another story). Anyway, he moved away a few years back, and he only lives two hours away, but I'm not nearly as close to him as I used to be. The problem is that during those few years after he moved, I went through a lot of changes in my life. In many ways I'm a very different person now. The closest friends that I have now were there with me while I changed, but he wasn't. Not only that, but he's exactly the same guy that he was, and so he still thinks of himself as my best friend. And he's kind of a reminder of things I don't want to be reminded of.

Point is, you haven't really been in touch for six years (and four of those years were college, during which a lot can happen), and I'm guessing your friend's life has changed, as evidenced by him getting married, which is one of the biggest changes someone can go through. You weren't around for it, and he still remembers the good times you had, but things are different now. He probably feels like he doesn't really know you anymore, and especially after the wedding incident, you probably feel the same way. Friends never sign a contract. They can break it off at anytime. It sucks, but it happens.

However, not picking you up to go into town qualifies him as an asshole.

I realize now that I wrote a lot and most of it is useless. Sorry. I think I just had to get that off my chest because I'm seeing my friend tomorrow and most of the people I would usually talk to about this kind of stuff were/are/will be unavailable.

whocarz

The thing is, unless someone is family, you most likely aren't going to have a strong relationship with them if you don't physically see them often. I had a real good friend, then I moved away for a year. When I moved back into the area, I contacted him, and we slowly, slowly got back to being as good of friends as we were before. We went from hanging out once a month to once a week, but it took time. Now, he's my best friend. Basically, you need to actually see and do things with a person to keep a relationship strong. Going to different colleges definately had a huge impact on your friendship. Now, if you lived close to each other, you would probably still be good friends.

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Come on, you sons of bitches! Do you want to live forever? -GySgt. Daniel J. "Dan" Daly

Rodney

Yeah, friends can drift away if you don't all keep in touch, but there are always those special friends, the ones who are pretty much like brothers. You move to different towns and you maybe don't see each other for years. But when you get together or talk on the phone, you just take up where you left off, like no time passed. May everyone be lucky enough to have one of those, or be one of those.

gondath

I've had a slew of different friends over the years and have come to one conclusion. People pick their friends for convenience. The relationship is only strong if little effort is involved getting together or helping each other out. As soon as distance becomes a factor or other people seem more accessible for help, you'lls ee how quickly people switch over to a new crowd. It's a bitch but that's life.

Bentley Little

Thanks for the posts. I should have mentioned that I did not want to be his friend after what he did so I stopped trying to bring back the friendship. I guess I will always wonder why, but I have dropped it, but when I do think of him, unfortunately, I will think asshole, not of all the good times we did have.

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That is my 2 cents.

Ripsaw

Then I suppose you really haven't dropped it at all, eh?

I do know what you are feeling. I simply don't feel it anymore.

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Bentley Little

Ok, so maybe it isn't completely gone, but it is for the most part. All I was trying to find out from this thread is other people's thoughts on maybe why I wasn't in the wedding party, especially considering our past. I know I can't write everything we ever did together and how we were truly those of best friends together for so long, but I can't for the life of me understand why he chose two people whom he had just met over me...? Usually people in a wedding party are close family and good friends you've known for a while, unless you have no friends.

I just want to know why, I guess I shouldn't have entitled the thread "A grudge", more like, "Anybody Know Why?"

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That is my 2 cents.

Cynthetiq

possibly. but more likely you'll remember the things you did as kids and remember them fondly.

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

denim

No, I think you have a right to be hurt. You might tell him so, but I wouldn't expect much to come from it. Being pissed will just drive him further away.

Bentley Little

Well denin, he is already gone and I don't plan on resuming a friendship with him. But yeah, I was defintely hurt for a long time after (and angry). So as far as pushing him farther away, he couldn't be far enough.

And Cynthetiq, you know I do remember some of the good times, but not always.

Thanks for everyones posts on this.

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That is my 2 cents.

exizldelfuego

How long had it been since you two were 'the best of friends'? It sounds like a while, as you two drifted somewhat once you guys went off to college. So four years there, plus a couple afterwards... six years is plenty of time to grow into a different person. I personally have the tendency to dislike the person I was two years ago (just something weird I've noticed about myself while going from adolescence to young adult). So in my reckoning, six years is three of these lifecycles. People can grow A LOT. And his counselor compatriots have been with him for the last two years in which time they very well might have grown very close and he just doesn't feel he's the same person he was when you two lived close by. And of course, you would have changed bunches in that time as well, so you're not even the same person that he knew.

Granted that these are things that could easily be overcome by some one-on-one sessions to readjust the friendship, and it stinks that it didn't happen when you attended his wedding. It could be that he's turned into a dick that really doesn't care about his past friends, or it could be that he was really busy (though leaving you hanging doesn't score any points in his favor).

tooth

Length of time knowing someone really has no bearing on the strength of a friendship. Either you are good friends or not. Friendships come and go through your life. People change, and as they change, the group of people that they consider their closest friends change along with them.

Just because you guys were childhood friends, doesn't mean that you will be 'Best Friends Forever". I rarely see the kids that I grew up with.

Your friends are the people who you are spending time with, working with, partying with, whatever. When your situation changes, and you no longer are spending time with people, that bond may or may not remain. Sounds like the bond between the two of you faded away as you two went through college. Maybe in your mind, the two of you were still "Best Friends", based on your history. But in reality, he had become just another old friend.

As you grow older, it becomes more likely that the people who become your friends will remain your friends for many years. Mainly because you have matured, and your interests and personality are less likely to continue evolving at the rate that it does through adolecense and early adulthood.

I still see some of my childhood friends from time to time. It is always good to see them, catch up and have a few laughs. But I also realize that we are different people now, and really aren't best friends anymore, although we were inseperable in our youth. These being people that I have both known since we shared a playpen together, on through to my buddies from High School and College.

unoaman

Forget it...it just took longer for you to discover what a prick he is, than if you had been together the whole time.

thebeat

As I always say... Life is way too damn short..

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