What the hell do I want?
 

I seem to be stuck right now, not really happy with my life. I don't love my job, I don't feel fulfilled, I feel miles away from where I thought I would be when I thought about my life as a teenager, or in college. I don't always feel like I'm living in a way that's consistent with my ideals, but I'm not sure which of those ideals are worth sacrificing for, and which are just unrealistic. I have conflicting impulses - for example, the desire to live a creative, bohemian life, vs. the desire to have enough money to travel and be comfortable. I'm not really sure which impulses are really "mine" and which ones come from trying to overcome some perceived deficiency in myself. (For example, wanting to be seen as "successful," or trying to "redeem myself" for the fact that I don't plan to have kids.)

How do you tell who you are, and what you really want, intuitively and truly, as opposed to doing things because they're easy or expected of you or habitual, or motivated by fear?

i had/have many of the same questions you have and no direction or seeable "first step" to solving any of them until i read the 7 habits of highly effective people by stephen r. covey a few weeks ago. while i still have some of the same questions, i at least feel like i have some direction now and am on the way to reshaping my life into something that i can consider 'successful'.

the great thing about this book is that it's not a "quick fix" type thing. instead it takes aim at our inner character and principles and teaches us how to center our lives around those and take control of our "circle of influence" as he calls it.

hope this helps you on your way. :)

Re: What the hell do I want?
 

Who you truly are is created by how your experiences and choices mix with your genetic leanings. Often times you find what is truly yours with a little luck, but you should be able to figure some things out by understanding your personality and talents. For instance, I am more introverted, so I am not likely to enjoy a life oriented around dealing with lots of people all of the time (rather than avoiding these situations merely out of fear).

I guess what I am saying, then, is that you really have to go through a process of getting to know yourself to answer these questions. I think a good first step to really determine what your strengths are and what your weaknesses are and what they stem from. The more you know about why you act like you act, the more you will feel in control of your life.

Here is a good case to ask yourself - Why do I have these ideals? Where did the come from? What are their purposes?

One thing at a time... all to answer one question: What will provide me with a feeling that my life has value?

After reading this, I went on Amazon and ordered this book. I've heard several people on TFP talk about this book and your post finally pushed me to get it.

I really feel like this book could help me out, as I have fears very similar to what lurkette is going through. I keep thinking that as soon as I finish school, or do this or do that, that I will finally live up to what I've always imagined myself doing or the person I've always imagined my self being. But I know when I was in high school, I expected myself to be a lot different in college than I actually am now that I am in college.

I realize now that I need to take active and bold steps to become the person I *want* to be. I hope this book pushes me in the right direction. Any other suggestions for lurkette and myself would be greatly appreciated.

Lurkette: Sorry I don't have any advice to help you out. I'm in a similar position as you are and need similar advice for myself. Good luck everything. I hope you get things straightened out.

Both Moon and I have been going through this process. He is now persuing a career in Photography, I will be persuing a career in drama teaching & writing/journalism. We're following our hearts, and although it seems risky now, it will work out in the end because we are following our heart's true dream.

Try something new, make some changes, do whatever it is YOU want to do, not what you think may be the "safest" route to take. The worst thing that could happen to you is learning from your mistakes. I'm just now realizing this, and I really wish I had done so sooner.

I agree with the try something new advice. When you are bogged down in a comfort zone, it is going to be hard to see what needs to be changed.

I feel pretty much the same way you do. I could be wiped from the face of the earth tomorrow and it wouldn't matter to my job. I'm moving to California. I don't have any evidence that things will be better there, but it will be a change. I have a feeling my sink or swim reflex will take charge and I will end up fixing whatever is wrong with me right now.

I tend to be optimistic. While your questions are serious and your situation impereling, you do have a large group of friends that will answer you honestly and support you emotionally.

That puts you ahead of the bulk of humanity.

You're lucky. ;)

I'm of the opinion that your lifestyle is dictated directly by your career choice.

my mother in law is a direct example. She's an artist true and true. She makes less that I pay in taxes every year. She lives off of government subsidies and lives a very menial lifestyle. That works for her. She's happy like that.

For me, I can't live like that. I can't live worrying about where the paycheck is going to come from 6 months from now.

We also like to do things in our personal time that that considerable amounts of disposable income. This year, we will be travelling to Iceland and Sedona, AZ as our vacation trips, (we've already done LA) and then there's still other little weekend jaunts like our trips to Atlantic City, Lenox, MA and a few other's we've got planned.

Next year, we're already planned to go to Madrid or Barcelona and the Gran Canaria Island.

2006 looks like we're going to the Pacific, Hawaii, or as far as Malaysia or Thailand.

We want to live as travellers, but cannot live that bohemian style, so we've found that for us, while the jobs aren't our "dream jobs" they do allow us to in our free time, have our dreams.

That said, here's what helped me figure out who I am and how I'm going to live my life

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...verning+values (which came about from reading 7 Habit of Highly Effective People.)

I have found that to truly be happy, content and fulfilled, it is often helpful to look closely at your expectations. This life we have is full of suprises, some we percieve as good, and some as negative. Life direction cannot be set in stone, if you expect to be happy, as you are setting yourself up for dissapointment.
As time and experience pass, Karma (if you wish to call it that) or the accumulation of trial and error will generally guide each of us towards the place we need to be. There really is no "wrong" direction if you live a life of relative virtue.
I have found it helps to think in a way that encompasses the whole picture, Past, present, future.
The most important lesson I have learned in this life is as follows:

Expectations are mine, and mine alone.
The failure of others to meet these expectations, is actually the result of MY choice to levy these requirements upon them.
Life cannot meet my expectations, unless I understand the limitations inherent in reality, and set expectations within the likely bounds.

We are here to learn from experience, and happiness teaches very little. Thus my sig line.

my first thought seemed to be that you find out who you truly are and what you're really meant to do by whatever seems to make you feel happiest and more fufilled. you mentioned that you arn't happy right now and seem kinda of in limbo, so whatever you're doing right now, is obviously not for you (but i think you already know that). so go out there, try things you maybe wouldn't have before, and take an objective view to Everything, and one day you'll find what it is you're really meant to be/do. good luck and happy hunting :)

Don't I know it! :icare:

Tecoyah, you make an interesting point about expectations. I think one of the primary cognitive mistakes I make is assuming that there is some "aha!" moment waiting for me out there, some state of perfection that once I achieve it, I'll be able to feel good about who I am. I have a friend who tells me the only true perfection is to love yourself exactly as you are. I imagine what I need is not a change in circumstances, but a change in mindset, which is more difficult to achieve, and which I resist for some reason.

Cyn - I haven't read 7 habits (but I will check it out, and the other book you recommended to me, as well) but when I think about my values, here's what I come up with (they're not all really "values" per se, as much as things that I'm committed to):

- compassion
- respect for the environment (I guess you could broaden that out and say respect for life)
- creativity
- order (conflicts somewhat with the creativity, but not really)
- self-knowledge
- thinking about long-term consequences
- seeing short-term results (not really a value, but something I find satisfying)

I think the first step is to strive to 'be' those things, and find an environment that supports them. Heck if I know what it is, though! If I were of a more religious bent, I'd almost want to be a hospital chaplain or something. Think there's a demand for new-age-neo-pagan-sorta-Buddhist chaplains who write and do stained glass on the side?

Here's a guy who goes thru the excercise of fleshing out his governing values.

http://www.purposequest.com/word/art...vernvalues.pdf

an evironment that supports them is also an environment that doesn't go against them, while it may not be an active support, it's not undermining YOUR commitment to those things, which is the most important in my opinion.

One of the other books that I find important to self discovery is understanding some of the ground rules. If Life Is A Game, Then These Are the Rules is another great book which is based on The 10 Rules of Being Human.

Tecoyah hits it right on the head succinctly, it's rule number 6.

6. "There" is no better than "here."
Nothing leads to happiness. When your "there" has become a "here," you will simply obtain another "there" that again will look better than "here."

Hence, why I haven't run out and bought a MINI.

Yes, there is.

Its called a therapist. And all therapy starts at home.

Lurkette - you sound perfectly normal ... in the sense that I think most people feel exactly like that, although they might not articulate it so eloquently.

What I want my life to be and what my life actually is are two different things. Not by choice mind you. The demands of family and work often conflict or take priority over my ideals and goals. While this may be discouraging at times, it does not stop my pursuit for them.

BTW, without the woman in my life this process of mine would be nowhere where it is today. And I tell her that nearly everyday.

"what you own is your own kingdom,
what you do is your own glory,
what you love is your own power,
what you live is your own story."

"in your head is the answer,
let it guide you along.
let your heart be your anchor,
and the beat of your song."

Rush

I deal with not getting what I want by not wanting. I mean sure, I would prefer to have more money than less, and I'd prefer to be dating some supermodel-hot, incredibly interesting girl that I'm madly in love with, but if I don't get it, I'm not really going to care. I'm not sure how I did it, but I gotta say, it works really well. Just found out through some books I've been reading that it's basically the central idea behind Buddhism, so if you want to try this route, check that out.

I went through a period of questioning that. What actually kindof helped me at least choose a general direction was taking about 2 years off from college and just working one job after another. Basically trying out different carreers. I ended up working 3 different jobs at once for a while there. Imagine working 3 part time jobs in one day.

Finally I came upon one job that I really enjoyed and could see myself doing for much of my life. Or at least something similar.

Partly it was chance and partly it was just sitting back and letting come what may as far as work, just to see what I wanted to stick with.

Then when it comes to lifestyle - I've only recently begun to be content where I'm at and say basically that I will do what fits me at my point in life. If we have success then that's great. If we just work day to day we can choose to be happy with that. I don't think agonizing over gaining success is really profitable. Yet I believe we should still strive to do out best and if success comes with that then so be it.

Contentment is a state of mind, not a place in life.

Who you are will change as you grow older. The chief word there being "grow". As we live we evolve and change. Our values shift, our desires and expectations get altered. I don't know that there is a definative answer to your question. You'll make decisions today that seem just right and years from now you will regret them. You'll also make some that are just dead on perfect. The best advice I can give is try to be true to who you think you are now and prepare for the many changes your future will hold. For instance, you can live a creative somewhat bohemian life but socking away some cash and having a decent income is a nice cushion for all the things life throws at you. You say you don't love your job. Maybe you could look for something you have a passion for and start working toward that goal. Maybe the search for that passion will help you discover who you are now. From your posts you seem like a bright, creative, likable person. I'm sure you'll do great. Good luck.

You are an amazing person with all the questions we have All pondered. There is much to enjoy along the "journey" (Zazen)and when you are as bright & thoughtful as you are - there is More to assimilate and tune into. I've found that "kismet" and "tuning into ideas" & concepts always pop up along this path... and often prove to be sign posts that help guide you on your way. Have no fear. It's a waste of good positive energy. Love what you Want and Want what you Love. There are many reincarnations left for a soul as advanced as yours; so go and enjoy because you are already there! Just be there and tune in -

"To thine own self be true."

To me, developing a realistic attitude about what is and what is not possible, what is an unreasonably high level of expectations, and what is practical and what is not - is the way to get one's naturally unlimited desires under control.

IMO, the best situations are often revealed by simple acceptance of what is - not what could, should, or might be.