How do you be friends...

[dannyboy21]

...with someone you broke up?

A little background...she and I broke up because she needs to leave the country for a career...that and the fact that I'm looking for a girlfriend, while she's looking for a husband.. but she would like to keep the option of hooking up with me again sometime down the road, if possible.

With this in mind, and the fact that I feel pretty crap(she broke the news to me on V-Day ...haven't gotten over it just yet)...any advice?

[present_future]

I've often wondered that myself.

After my I broke up with my last girlfriend, I still wanted to talk to her, but it was awkward, so I didn't. Now her friends tell me that she thinks I hate her and she has actually cried over it.

Argh.... women can be so frustrating.

[Mephex]

What's the point ?

I'm going through it right now, and the only reason we still talk is because we happen to work together. She is moving on with her life, and I have to do the same. Maybe in a few months, things will be okay again, when the hurt isn't there anymore. But I don't see how one could put aside all those feelings for the sake of smiling at anothers fortune, when you feel you should be alongside.

Just my 2 bits.

[Cynthetiq]

Originally posted by dannyboy21
...with someone you broke up?

A little background...she and I broke up because she needs to leave the country for a career...that and the fact that I'm looking for a girlfriend, while she's looking for a husband.. but she would like to keep the option of hooking up with me again sometime down the road, if possible.

With this in mind, and the fact that I feel pretty crap(she broke the news to me on V-Day ...haven't gotten over it just yet)...any advice?

question is how do you be friends?

you be a friend.

[*Nikki*]

I find it impossible to be friends with my exs.

That is why they are exs.

[skysooner]

You will have to get over your hurt first. Discuss with her how hurt you are over the situation otherwise you will always have that little resentment. Things might get awkward, but that is the only way you are going to get over it to be a friend. The situation is not easy and in the long run, it might not be a good idea to stay friends.

[aintyoboyfriend]

I definitely agree.

If you want to have a stable and normal friendship, you have to both agree not to contact one another until you have moved on.

If you attempt to just "start" being friends right away, you will never lose the feelings that you had in the relationship and be stuck in a sort of friendship/lover limbo that sucks.

That is what I am going through now with one of my exes, and I had to break off all contact, because two years later, I still feel for her more than I should, and I really just want to be her friend.

[BoCo]

I sorta remain 'friends' with a lot of my ex-girlfriends because they all come back begging for me to take them back eventually (no, I'm not making that up). I usually knew them as just friends before we got together so I end up getting along with them fairly well again once they realize that 'just friends' is all we're ever going to be again.

[dannyboy21]

true that fellas...

I feel for you, Mephex dude... because at least I have the luxury of seeing her on my own terms(different universities/colleges)...

I think I could keep visits to where she works to a minimum(I love pool, and she works in the pool hall I always go, cause they got great tables and I happen to have just renewed my membership there..)...among other things... to keep her out of my life...

I guess the crux of the matter is, then, do I really see her as a friend? And could I really do without her, as a person?

[Supple Cow]

Originally posted by dannyboy21
I guess the crux of the matter is, do I really see her as a friend? And could I really do without her, as a person?

I ask myself that every day. I think you'd be sorry if you decided that you had to choose one of those without considering your real feelings. If you let things flow and just change the things that cause immediate problems for you (like if she starts talking to you about other men) then it will work itself out. But I'm one to talk - I've been in the same situation, only for a day longer than you have been. I'm not good at listening to my own advice. I do, however, find that talking to other people about it helps a lot. Soon enough, what you really want and can deal with in your life will make itself clear. Until then, hang in there. I'm right there with you.

[wannabenakid247]

Originally posted by aintyoboyfriend
If you want to have a stable and normal friendship, you have to both agree not to contact one another until you have moved on.

I soooo agree with this. It only works if you dont contact each other for 6-12 months. Even then it can be hard at first. I've managed to stay friendly with most of my exis in this way. Some theres no hope for lol

[FleaCircus]

Originally posted by wannabenakid247
It only works if you dont contact each other for 6-12 months.

Or longer. I just ran into one of my exes after about three years, and it was all okay. No awkwardness or anything. We have plans to hang out this weekend.

Sounds like it wasnt an ugly break up... Leaving the country is a pretty legit reason for breaking up... Have some fun with other women and keep up communication with the ex just in case it will work out later...

[turbodriven]

It seems like every one of my ex's has wanted to "remain friends". It's such a cliche really. I think part of the "being friends" request is them making the breakup less abrasive. If they said "get the hell out of my life completely" you'd be hurt that much more. So women think that requesting that you remain friends shows that they still care. However... they also know that men (or women for that matter) cannot be friends right out of a relationship. So it's a win win situation. They can request it and know that it will never happen.

I've also notice that even 12 months later (with someone you really cared about) it's hard to be friends. If you dated (or in my case married) someone you obviously had some pretty strong chemistry in the beginning at one point. That chemistry is always there, it doesn't fade away. It's the end (after being together for a while) that doesn't work for the both of you. So anyway... it's hard to fight off that chemistry and be friends. And furthermore it rarely works. And for me I've been down that path 3 times. All starting out as friends... chemistry taking effect and have a great courtship... but all ending the same way. For now her and I are friends but I insist we stay apart. Meaning we talk over the internet.. sometime a phone call... but never hang out and actually do anything. That would be too dangerous in my mind.

Anyway... good luck with things. I know it's hard.

[Mephex]

It's such a cliche really. I think part of the "being friends" request is them making the breakup less abrasive. If they said "get the hell out of my life completely" you'd be hurt that much more. So women think that requesting that you remain friends shows that they still care. However... they also know that men (or women for that matter) cannot be friends right out of a relationship. So it's a win win situation. They can request it and know that it will never happen.

Too true, it's all a big game. They just want to be friends to make themselves feel better about the whole thing. What shit.

[majik_6]

I'm actually working on being honest friends with an ex for the first time right now.

I say honest friends, since I've been "friends" with most of my ex's, that is we still spoke after quite sometime and had no real resentment after everything cooled off.

With this girl, though, we were best friends for quite sometime before we went out, so I thought it only made sense to continue that friendship.

The thing that made me get over my feelings for her, was that she went out a fucked a guy (which is not her style at all) very, very soon after we broke up. Too soon...almost as if he was "waiting in the wings." Since I had reason to believe that she'd been considering this guy for quite sometime, I quickly lost all romantic feelings for her. But, since she was respectful enough to cut it off with me before really starting anything with him, I have no hard feelings against her. We actually went to lunch today.

The other thing that's helped me see her as a friend and not pine for her, was getting shape. I lost a good 15-20 pounds since we broke up, and started dressing very well (not to impress her, just because I realized I'd never get any "action" looking like I did). This kind of put it in the situation of her seeing me as the prize, rather than me being the pathetic loser that couldn't hack it as just friends.

It may sound shallow, but it's worked great! We're on pretty equal terms, since she's got something (a boyfriend) and I've got something (looking better) and we were close before, and dated for 3 years, so it's all worked out.

For the record, we've been apart almost three months, and it's just now starting to not be "weird" to think of her not with me anymore (I really planned on marrying this girl in the next year or so). So, yes, time apart is important in carrying on a friendship.

With other ex's, it's taken up to 2 years before I felt comfortable being friendly with them, usually because they'd said/done something very hurtful towards me or had a jealous new boyfriend.

[rsl12]

i'm friends will all my exes--there's something very nice about having a friend that you've been so intimate with! the best part is that we're comfortable describing sexual details with each other, and we both understand those issues better than any of our other friends.

it takes a bit of work and persistence to make it work, but if you do it right it is completely worth it. (unless you hate your ex's guts, in which case, why were you fucking them??)

[tehblaed]

i broke up with this girl i had been going out with for four months...it was turning out really bad - she insinuated the breaking up and of course, i fought really hard - i thought we could make it work.

a week and a half after we broke up, i saw her kiss this other guy right in front of me - this is after she said she didnt want to date anyone else. my heart skipped about 23 beats. it was an atrocity.

i was so infuriated, but i lied to her and then wrote her an email saying i was okay with it and glad she was happy and still wanted to be friends.

then about 20 minutes later, i wrote an email saying exactly this

"hey kris, you know that email I just wrote you about twenty minutes ago?

yeah, well nevermind. im done"

:\ i still see her every day, each day its getting a little less taxing...but oh man it's tough if we happen to glance at each other.

sometimes i think it's funny that maybe she's feeling the same way and just wants to hold him over my head, and that she will come crawling back to me and i will laugh in her face...but then again i'm not that mean of a guy.

i honestly wanted to be friends, really i did. one of those honest kind of friendships like majik_6 was talking about - but she completely threw that idea out the fuckin window. grr.

Sorry to hijack but I had to get it out.

[2kids1headache]

My current girlfriend and I joke about my leaving and about her kicking me out. She knows my history. I think that those things would make it possible for us to be friends if something happened.

I don't think you can be friends when one person involved was blind to the fact that things might end someday.

[Amano]

In the few breakups of friends I've seen recently, all of their first steps after the breakup was to stay friends.

Personally I find it extremely difficult. In my experience, I find that after breakups (all of which have been initiated by the other person so far) , I'll want to stay friends, against my better judgment. And eventually I'll realize that my initial judgment was right, and that my wanting to stay friends was simply a way to stay around this other person I still cared for, and deny that the relationship was over, and that made it EXTREMELY hard for me to get over that person.

Staying friends after the breakup probably can be done, but it really depends on the situation, and why the breakup occured. My best advice would be that as a general rule of thumb, it's not possible to stay friends if you want to actually get over this person and move on