Gay father stays home to raise child

[KellyC]

I hope this is the appropriate place to post this.
I found this article from the New York Times to be quite interesting.
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/01/12/na...agewanted=1&th

MINNEAPOLIS — Right before Christmas, Jamie McConnell arrived at the Lake Country School here, as he does most days of the week, to pick up his son, Ben, 3. Hardly short on spunk, Ben made his way out to the snowy playground, and Mr. McConnell, as parents have done since the dawn of swings and monkey bars, trailed behind.

Mr. McConnell had plenty of time to watch Ben romp and to invite one of his classmates and his mother home for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

For years, Mr. McConnell ate very different lunches. He was a corporate litigator at Dorsey & Whitney, among the country's most prestigious law firms. But since he and Dr. Bill Atmore, an anesthesiologist, adopted Ben as an infant, taking care of the child has been his full-time job. Dr. Atmore, his partner of eight years, works full time.

In assuming those roles, demographers say, the two are part of an emerging population of gay men who are not only raising children but are also committed to the idea that one parent should leave the workplace to do it. Of 9,328 same-sex couples with children whose census returns were randomly selected for analysis by the Census Bureau, 26 percent of the male couples included a stay-at-home parent, said Gary Gates, a demographer with the Urban Institute, a nonpartisan research organization in Washington. That figure is one percentage point more than for married couples with children and four percentage points higher than for female couples, said Mr. Gates, who performed the analysis for this article.

The percentage of men who stay at home is significantly smaller among married heterosexual couples, Mr. Gates said.

The obstacles of finding surrogate mothers and of discriminatory adoption laws that favor heterosexual couples have led some gay men to pursue parenthood with fervor.

"Being a planned gay father is such a project in itself," said Judith Stacey, a professor of sociology at New York University and a senior scholar at the Council on Contemporary Families, a research organization. Often, Professor Stacey said, gay fathers or those aspiring to be "remain very judgmental of parents who don't stay home."

To some gay men, the idea of entrusting the care of a hard-won child to someone else seems to defeat the purpose of parenthood.

Ray Friedmann, of Portland, Ore., gave up an accounting job at a credit union after he and his partner adopted their daughter, Ceriwen, now six months old. Unable to join his partner's medical plan because it does not provide for domestic partners, Mr. Friedmann, like many other gay fathers, pays for his own health insurance.

"We never thought we'd even be able to have this child," Mr. Friedmann said. "When we had the opportunity to do it, we wanted to give her the best attention and love."

Four years ago, after Bernie Cummings and his partner, Ernie Johnston, a marketing executive at Warner Brothers, had a baby girl, Caelan, through a surrogate mother, Mr. Cummings left his job as a managing director at Ogilvy Public Relations. Since then, they have added twins to their family, also through surrogacy.

"I've taken myself out of an industry that moves pretty quickly," said Mr. Cummings, who lives in Los Angeles. "But if I were working, I'd miss that moment when Caelan was just getting up from her nap, grabbing and holding on to me."

Same-sex couples with a stay-at-home parent are doing this even though census figures show that their median household income, $35,000, is lower than the $45,000 for a heterosexual married couple with a stay-at-home parent, Mr. Gates of the Urban Institute said.

The 2000 census found that there were some 60,000 male couple households with children in America, and close to 96,000 female couple households. Those figures are about 20 percent of all male couples and a third of all female couples.

Rob Calhoun and his partner refinanced their home in suburban Atlanta when Mr. Calhoun quit his job as a social worker to stay home with their baby daughter. "We really couldn't afford it," Mr. Calhoun said.

Sociologists, gender researchers and gay parents themselves say that because gay men are liberated from the cultural expectations and pressures that women face to balance work and family life, they may approach raising children with a greater sense of freedom and choice.

They may also not fear stigmatization in these new roles, said Ellen Lewin, chairwoman of the women's studies department at the University of Iowa. Professor Lewin is the author of "Lesbian Mothers" (Cornell University Press, 1993) and is working on a study of gay fathers.


Conversely, feminism's legacy may leave lesbians more ideologically committed to equality in their relationships, said Christopher Carrington, a professor of sociology at San Francisco State University and the author of "No Place Like Home" (University of Chicago Press, 2002), which examines how gay and lesbian couples divide household labor.

That staying at home constitutes the just and noble course of parenthood was a sentiment echoed again and again in more than a dozen interviews with gay fathers.

Mike Farina, 40, left his job as an engineer in Anaheim, Calif., after adopting twins with his partner in 1998.

"In the beginning, I was even pig-headed about it," said Mr. Farina, who now has four children with his partner. "I wanted the kids to bond with us. I didn't want any help. In those first few years, I didn't even get baby sitters. I thought, `That's my job.' "

Though many gay fathers may enter into domesticity with few conflicts or reservations, the pressures of starting a new life stripped of professional status can mirror those faced by nonworking mothers. The transition may be even rockier, given that male identity is largely defined by achievements outside the confines of nurseries, mud rooms and kitchens.

Professor Carrington said some of the domestically oriented men he observed struggled with self-esteem. "Men who make these choices really grapple with how to portray their lives to their friends, families, to service people and repairmen," he said.

For Tom Howard, a stay-at-home father of three adopted children, all younger than 4, the consequence of his decision struck two years ago, just before April 15. "I was filling out our tax returns for the first entire calendar year I was not working, and my occupation went from `professor' to `homemaker.' I felt like someone had put a knife in my stomach and twisted it."

For the preceding 10 years, Mr. Howard, who has a doctorate in microbiology, had worked at the University of Southern California, first as a researcher at its virology laboratory and then also as a professor at its medical school. "I can truly empathize with the women's movement now," Mr. Howard said. "I know that I've committed career suicide."

After the birth of his first child, Emma, Mr. Howard, now 47, took a three-month paid paternity leave from the university, returning to work in February 2000. At the same time, his partner of 17 years, Ken Yood, 40, was working his way to a partnership at a Los Angeles law firm. "We realized pretty quickly that Ken's pay scale was going to support the family," he said.

No matter how fair-minded the intentions of partners may be, the myriad obligations of home stewardship invariably fall to the partner who remains at home.

After Tom Seid, 47, and his partner, Howard Ronder, the creative director of Gaiam, a lifestyle company in Boulder, Colo., adopted their son, Matthew, four years ago, Mr. Seid left his career as a feature-film editor. Their shift to a single income meant that they could no longer afford a housekeeper. Now, Mr. Seid's day consists of shopping, cleaning and dropping off and picking up his son from school.

The choice leaves many facing a loss of financial independence that may result in a suddenly dismal credit rating or strong feelings of guilt about buying a CD or sweater.

"I have a problem asking for money, and I have to ask for money every time we're paying the bills," said Bill Koch, who stays home with his 4-year-old son, Frankie, while his partner of eight years, Paul Lennander, works as an investigator at a children's social service agency here.

Mr. Koch, who previously worked in internal technology at General Mills, said that a lack of income had left him feeling invisible.

"After I'd been home a few months, we went to lease a car," Mr. Koch recalled. "We'd sold my car to come up with the money, and the whole time the salesman is only talking to Paul. The guy just looked right through me. Only Paul's name could appear on the lease, and I was just sitting there the whole time twirling my pearls, so to speak."

Still, Mr. Koch, like many of the other gay fathers interviewed, did not betray any eagerness to return to the work world soon.

As Peter Vitale, a gay stay-at-home father in the Twin Cities, put it, "If I were honest, I'd say that I want to do an excellent job at this because I know the world has me under a microscope."

I think its pretty cool that they do this.

Your thoughts?

[lurkette]

I think it's pretty cool, too, but I'm not sure why it's such a big deal. Sure, they're adopting double-unconventional roles (being gay and staying home to raise kids, vs. being lesbian and staying home to raise kids which is somehow expected?) but...I guess I'm glad they're getting good publicity about being good parents, but I wish we lived in a society where this didn't raise any eyebrows at all. Gay (Bi Lesbian etc) people are people just like everyone else.

[Jesus Pimp]

Maybe it'll show that gay parents are more repsonsible than heterosexual parents.

[Dano069]

A good parent is a good parent. Gay or not. I'm tired of hearing how gays cannot be good parents. Bullshit! There's so many children out there that need to be adopted and cared for.

[SabrinaFair]

Good for them.

Like Dano069 said...a good parent is a good parent. I'd rather see a child adopted by a loving gay couple than a tumultous straight pairing any day.

[KellyC]

Originally posted by Dano069
I'm tired of hearing how gays cannot be good parents. Bullshit!

really? I never heard that any where...people who made those comments aren't very bright I guess...or open minded..either way its bad

[Corneo]

I think that was very nice of them to adopt a child.

[Mr.Deflok]

The only thing I'm against is OLD parents, it's hard for the kids, children will mock them and ultimately their parents will die before the child is old enough to stand on their own legs (not literally). However, a good parent is a good parent as Dano069 said, so I guess what the Old parents do with the time they give to their children is what really matters in the end.

[KellyC]

Originally posted by Mr.Deflok
The only thing I'm against is OLD parents, it's hard for the kids, children will mock them and ultimately their parents will die before the child is old enough to stand on their own legs (not literally).

this is off topic, but i could not resist...
I know what you mean Mr.Deflok, my uncle is 49 years old when he had his first son (and also first born), by the time my little cousin is old enough to go to college my uncle will be almost 70...kinda sad...

[BentNotTwisted]

Originally posted by KellyC
really? I never heard that any where...people who made those comments aren't very bright I guess...or open minded..either way its bad

You haven't heard conservative Christian groups tout this? They love to say how a homosexual are not nearly as good at raising children as a heterosexual couple. Of course, they're just blowing smoke.

[majik_6]

I'm glad to see that people are finally admitting that homosexuals are very capable of being good parents.

To paraphrase dano069, it's not what you're doing in bed that makes you a good parent.

I've got gay friends that could raise wonderful children, and I've got straight friends that are great parents...but I've also got gay and straight friends that are self-absorbed, alcoholic, or otherwise unfit to have children in their custody.

The only complications I could see are the same as with elderly parents: other kids. Although it shouldn't matter, little kids are ruthless in a way that most adults couldn't dream of! I would imagine that having any sort of unorthadox parenting situation could cause this though (some people I went to high school with caught flak just for being adopted).

[ratbastid]

From the article:
To some gay men, the idea of entrusting the care of a hard-won child to someone else seems to defeat the purpose of parenthood.

Wow. Sounds like the gay men have parenthood figured out. Maybe they could teach a lesson to every latchkey parent out there!

[sexymama]

Originally posted by ratbastid
Wow. Sounds like the gay men have parenthood figured out. Maybe they could teach a lesson to every latchkey parent out there!

Let's not go trashing latchkey parents. I am a very good mother; but when I tried staying at home with my children I went stir crazy! My kids are well rounded, well behaved, and extremely well loved and I work outside the home.

That said -- I believe that any parent, gay or straight, that does the best they can, deserves praise. And those that stay home with the children full-time deserve sainthood.

[bonehed1]

I know some gay parents and they are pretty cool and the kid is a good kid so I dont have a problem with it.

[amonkie]

It's amazing how much things are appreciated when they don't come easily. Like they said, I wouldn't want to just hand off my kid after I spent so much of my time trying to have a family. Those are some lucky kids.

[isis]

I've always been a latchkey kid. I think this has almost brought myself and my mom closer because I'd look forward to her walking in the door every night from work. We had quality time too, as well .. but spending all your time with your kids isn't always the best. My brother and I are probably a lot more independent than some kids at our age, because we had to fend for ourselves in the afternoons .. (or at least make our own snacks)

[chavos]

awesome. good to see positive mainstream press on the issue, right from my home town. to paraphrase gertrude stein: loving parents are loving parents are loving parents.