Oopsfix

ok wow, i was talking to a friend earlier about something that happened earlier, one thing went to another and hes like 'you lack empathy' so i ask around and everyone agrees, ive never noticed this..lol, anyway, what is empathy and whats so special about it and how does 1 gain it?

anti fishstick

uh empathy is the ability to feel or relate to others.

em·pa·thy ( P ) Pronunciation Key (mp-th)
n.
1. Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives. See Synonyms at pity.
2. The attribution of one's own feelings to an object.

people who lack empathy are then often seen as cold-hearted, lacking feeling to anything except themselves.

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Oopsfix

thats sad and true ..is there a way to gain empathy?

anti fishstick

i'm not sure what the answer is into gaining empathy. to me it's either something you either do or don't have. if you want to change which it sounds like you do, then that's the first step. awareness that you are this way (lacking empathy) and then acceptance.

maybe a shift in your world view. realize that the world doesn't revolve around you? that there is more to existance than yourself? try helping others everyday. babysit. work in a nursing home :-D just do something you think would help make a difference towards other people. it could be small like giving them a compliment when they seem down.

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lalakill

I believe empathy is the most human trait one can have. If you feel and have human emotions than it is possible to understand those emotions in others. If you are a cold hearted person.. I believe you could relate and understand another cold hearted person, but not neccessarily someone who has feelings you dont possess.

anti fishstick

so a person lacking empathy isn't human?

i think that all people feel and have human emotions, even people who lack empathy. those people choose to supress and hide their emotions so much that they can not express them, or relate to other people. they have secluded themselves from humanity. i think the more you hide your emotions, the more they control you. when you ignore something that is so ingrained and part of human nature, it may create problems and lots of barriers with yourself and others.

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And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
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Oopsfix

wow that sounds horrible, heh, so i guess the only people i can relate is cold hearted people? :/

bermuDa

empathy isn't something you can simply ignore; you can repress your own emotions but the ability to feel for others (relate and understand is more like sympathy, empathy is transcribing others' emotions onto yourself as if they were yours) isn't something you can so easily deny.

Humans are social creatures, and empathy is a mechanism that helps bind us together. Schitzophrenics, sociopaths, and generally cold-hearted people are lacking that bit of humanity that connects us emotionally to others.

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Oopsfix

interesting, so are you implying that people who lack empathy are mentally ill?

lurkette

Someone who lacks ALL empathy would be a sociopath. My guess is that oopsfix probably doesn't lack all empathy. Oopsfix, o you feel bad when you hurt someone? Do you feel bad when someone's in pain? If not, I'd say you're a scary mofo and the only thing keeping you from being dangerous is self-interest. However, my guess is that you probably have some empathy; you may just be bad at/reluctant to express it, for whatever reason. If you can put yourself in someone else's position and imagine how they must feel in a particular situation - not how YOU'D feel in their place, but how they must feel given their personality and their experiences - you can be empathetic.

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Evil Milkman

Oopsfix's diagnosis: Dead inside.

rogue49

Simplest way to gain empathy.
2 steps.

Step 1: Consider what it's like in the other person's shoes...

Step 2: And care about it.

Doesn't mean you have to agree or support the person,
just mean that you've reflected on that person's situation & emotional state
and compared it to your own experiences.

Oopsfix

yeah id feel bad if i hurt someone physically, but i dont really feel bad when someone is in pain..i guess im disensitized to it, i see this shit on tv and whatever all the time and i simply stopped caring i guess?

Oopsfix

how do you care about it? if you have no previous experience of what thyre feeling then how could you relate?

rogue49

If you have no previous experience to what they are feeling,
then imagine how you would feel if you were in the same position.

Or just ask how they feel & then listen.
but don't say anything...because you don't know how to express it yet.

Sometimes just listening, not talking, can help someone feel that you empathize with them.
And this helps them express themselves and relieve some of the burdens.

diddagirl

Oopsfix- thats the point of empathy. Even if you have no experience with what they are feeling, you put yourself in their shoes, and picture and imagine how you would feel if you were them. Feel compassion that another person has to go through something so difficult.

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Oopsfix

is there a way to fake this and show people youre empathetic?

cheerios

don't bother "faking" caring about someone's emotions. either you do, or you don't. to fake it is a lie, and hurtful in most any situation I can think of.

Oopsfix

yeah but if the other person thinks its real then why does it matter?

cheerios

because they won't be fooled for long. Think of someone saying I love you, then kicking you in the nuts. it would be kinda like that.

hobo

I think I have empathy, a fairly strong sense of it too. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I see something on TV that makes me tear because it is so sad.

lalakill

Well maybe if you fake it.. you will start actually feeling it.. ( I suggest not doing this on friends/family, but rather seeing someone in a situation and reacting to it, trying to understand what that person is feeling. Like a random person on the street. ) Kind of like when you smile and it ends up making you happier.

empu

"Putting yourself in their shoes" isn't really empathy. Empathy is more in the realm of picking up an emotion by the sound of someone's voice before you've even heard what they have to say. It just happens. I believe it's driven by experience (the more we have, the "better" we are at it) and can't be faked.

Sympathy and/or compassion (already mentioned several times) is closer to the heart of what we're exploring here. I think being "cold" is the lack of compassion and probably starts with a lack of understanding of your own emotions. It's sort of a defense mechanism thing, you build a wall around yourself and this makes it harder for you to relate to the people around you.

Oopsfix

heh, my friends constantly say i lack empathy but i never relaized this til a little while ago! i have no clue why or how to fix this heh

lalakill

Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone... Empathy is identifying with someone. Oopsfix why do you want to change and achieve more empathy, whats your motivation?

cheerios

to ask it another way, what is it about what you do now that bothers you and your friends?

diddagirl

I dont think it can be faked. You either feel it or you dont.

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Cynthetiq

if you put on someone else's shoes so to speak, you will learn a little more if you can also walk in them...

faking it... would you liike it if someone played you by faking it? why not? you either car e or you don't. there's nothing wrong with not caring...

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Holo

I'm too empathic. I can read what most anyone is feeling just by watching them for a minute or so, stranger or not. Just watch their cues...Ppl display everything about their state of mind subconciously. If you don't care, at least act as if for their sake. If you take the effort to pretend to feel their pain at least you care enough to do that. Ppl need others to care about them...it's our curse. I don't think pretending to care shows apathy, since you wouldn't pretend at all if you were apathetic.

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Oopsfix

everyone (people whos views i care about) says i lack empathy

Oopsfix

i can tell when poeple are feeling down etc but what i dont know is howto deal with it, i cant ever think of soothing or funny things to say

hobo

ya, i never know what to do either. i always want to do something to cheer the person up, but i have no idea how and i am usually afraid of making things worse so i usually do nothing and keep my distance.

Sho Nuff

People view me as unempathetic constantly. Mostly because im a strict pragmatist at times. When there is a problem I look for solutions not consolation. I also deal with personal pain myself and cant always understand why people cant just get over theirs. At the same time, I keep a lot of things bottled up and have to battle those demons constantly. I used to be EXTREMELY empathetic as a child but I got tired of feeling everyone’s pain so I shut myself off from it and internalized my pain as well. Then I got so focused on not feeling pain that I find it impossible to empathize often even when I really do care for the person. I show that I care through action, not empathy. I walk straight into hell guns blazing if someone I cared about was in trouble, but I find it nearly impossible sometimes to dry a tear. Dont be too hard on yourself. Being empathetic for me is often more about figuring out what would make that person feel better and doing it, not so much out of natural empathy but because you care enough to make that person want to feel better. I had to actually sit people down and ask when you are crying or upset what do you want me to do because I honestly didnt know.

Our culture is over-empathetic. Were supposed to care about every starving child or homeless puppy in the world. I take the animal kingdom as my teacher. Animals kill and see death all the time but they understand it as the cycle of life and are no preoccupied by it. Not everyone shares my view so to them I do what I can to make them feel better even though on an intellectual level I just dont get why they are crying.

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awesome