rainheart

Ok, I've been trying to figure out a good, solid way to end this problem and I've put some thought into it and most of my conclusions aren't the conclusion that I want to come to.

Here is the problem:
I have a friend who constantly picks on me by say, physically hitting me as I walk by or just by being anywhere near his vicinity (they are light hits, but extremely annoying and disconcerting nonetheless, especially because it puts me into a position of weakness when done in front of others), in a way teases me by motioning to hit me in front of my friends (e.g. running up to me and pretending he's in some retarded wrestling match and I'm his opponent), and, since he purchased his zippo lighter he keeps lighting it up and bringing it near me like he's going to burn my clothes or set me on fire or something like that.

Now I know what you are thinking by now: this guy is very immature. And you're right, I don't know why my friends put up with his crap-- well, I do- because they're not the victims. He picks on ME! Fuck that. I thought at first ignoring him would make him stop, and then I told him to stop very clearly several times ("Don't even fucking go there") and he still insists!

And I refuse to be a victim of his shit, and because I'm so pissed off about all this the only scenario I can set up in my head to solve all this is where I snap one day and tell him to either fuck off in all his entirety or stop doing what he's doing. Unfortunately this sort of behaviour will alienate me from him and/or my friends (nobody likes to see someone who's almost always collected snap out and go nuts, and that experience will be imprinted on their memory for a good while, and radically change how they view me).

I cannot hurt him back! He is bigger, stronger, he's in the Canadian army cadets and his physique is unsurpassed compared to me. He is preceived as a nice person by everyone else because they are not victimized. He either doesn't think it's a big deal because, hey, we're guys, OR, because he is ignorant of the fact that he is causing me stress.

The conclusion that I would LIKE to come to is one where he can acknowledge that I will not put up with what he is doing, that I respect myself and I don't tolerate these things, and that I don't give two shits that he's bigger or stronger, and essentially have him view me as he does the people who he doesn't bully, or better yet respect me after I do whatever I should do to solve this problem.

Please don't give me advice to walk away! That won't do because some of these people are not friends, they are just a means to a social experience. If that last bit seemed a little eccentric or weird, whatever. I don't want to formally make him aware of the fact that he is bullying me and ask him to stop like I got out of my first assertiveness class (I don't take any).

Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you in advance for your replies (advice, comments, or flames).

guthmund

All I can advise is intense sarcasm or dead calm.

I find that any bully situation where he isn't intent on kicking your ass, can be solved with some sharp sarcasm. "The least you could do after you hit me is offer me dinner" *huge obvious wink - "You know in some societies you hitting me is the same as flirting. You're not flirting with me are you?"

If that's not your style then next time he hits you make deliberate eye contact and tell him firmly to not touch you again. Do it slowly, keep eye contact and maintain a dead calm of emotion.

This is the real world. You're not in the school yard anymore, if psycho-bob wants to make a big deal out of it report his arrested developmental ass to someone who has the power to fix the problem.

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Rodney

I don't know. If this guy is your "friend," and he does this stuff to yourself. And your other "friends" just stand by at let him do it... why do you care if a violent reaction from you is going to change their opinion of you? Unless you've left something out, doesn't sound like they hold you in high regard. In fact, you're probably low-man on the totem pole. What big-boy is doing is classic dominance play, and the rest of them are letting you be low-man on the totem pole so they don't get picked on.

If they're really your friends, they'll put this other guy in his place if you ask them to. If not, they're really _his _ friends, or his pack, and he's the big dog, and they belong to him.

I'm being a little harsh, but have you told any of these other guys how you feel? If so, maybe I'm not being harsh. If not, maybe you should tell them.

Lebell

If he is really your friend, then pull him aside one day and explain to him that this really bothers you and to please stop.

If he stops, you know he is your friend.

If he doesn't stop, then he is not your friend; he is a psychological bully.

They key either way is approaching this adult to adult, not child to child.

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bermuDa

i agree with lebell here. handle it like an adult and the situation will be resolved in an adult fashion. If not, then he's not an adult, and probably not your friend.

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Lunchbox7

He sounds like he has an inferiority complex. He needs to be the alpha male and does that by dominating you. He might see you as a risk to his dominance in your peer group. Personally I would refuse to be his bitch. If he psuhes you too far pick up a big stick and get really angry. You dont have to actually hit him. Just make him beleive you will take his head off if he touches you again. Saying that I much prefer guthmunds suggestions more. Its heaps funny and can possibly fix everything with out confrontation which is always preferable. If that doesnt work keep in mind the big stick. Would you punch someone even if only in play if you knew there was a chance they were going to bash your head in with a baseball bat? I know I wouldnt

Rlyss

I've had a few friends who were like that.

When he has his Zippo near your clothes, reach up and take it out of his hand (he won't expect it so you'll grab it easily, just don't burn yourself!). Calmly close the lid and look at him and say assertively, but not aggressively, "Just give it a rest". He's getting a reaction out of you (and Lunchbox is 100% right about him wanting attention and being the big cheese!) so if you just say to him flat out "Give it a rest" or "Come on man, just fuck off"

If you act bored he'll sense it and do more to get a rise out of you. If you get really angry your friends might be a bit freaked out. If you just walk away you lose your friends for that time being and he wins. If you put up with it he is getting that satisfaction.

Best thing to do is to assertively say 'Give it a rest'. Say that, look at his eyes for a second, and then turn back to your friends or talking or doing whatever it is that you were doing before. I think that exact phrase would work best - it shows you've let him have his fun and now it's a bit childish, and I bet you a dollar he'll feel pretty dumb as soon as you say that.

Sorry for the long and rambling response, I tend to do that

Kyo

Threat of violence only escalates the problem. Threats rouse either fear or anger, which lead to the same result, as people tend to destroy the things they fear. Picking up a weapon ratchets up the severity of the situation by a couple thousand notches, and that isn't what anyone wants. If killing were legal, you could end the problem in a fairly efficient manner, but it's not, so you can't. And you should try not to injure people you don't plan to deal with in a more permanent fashion.

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majik_6

Question: is he doing this punching/threat of burning as a macho joke thing, or does he have malicious intents (that you detect)?

I know that some of my friends like to beat on each other, and they also do the Zippo thing to me (since I'm the only guy with longhair and a long beard), but they're just being typical 20 something West Virginian males. They're usually either drunk, or just goofing off.

He may expect you to hit back, as a sort of male bonding as strange as that sounds. Nothing malicious, just a redmeat and beer kinda thing.

But knowing those details would help in being able to tell you how to deal with it.

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jimk

it obviously really bugs you, 'cause you wrote a long description of it. so i wouldn't get into a punching-him-back scenario, because then you are implying that you agree with this behavior.

i think when you said, "don't even go there.", he probably thought it was just your way of playing along with his game. that sentence has kind of a comedic tone to it. so take him aside & tell him that you don't think it's funny, in fact it is very irritating.

if he doesn't stop, he's a meathead bully & you need to write him off.

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sboytrunks

talk to him first. ask him why he does this shit. if that dont work and he continues to do this crap, knock him the f#$% out. who cares if hes bigger then you dont be scared of nobody. abunaikamikaze

dragon2fire

not your friend


i mean it get away form this guy



were i live we call this kind of guy a asshole

yournamehere

I would take <b>Lebell's</b> advice.
If that doesn't work, disassociate yourself from this guy.
If that isn't an option, try <b>Lunchbox7's</b> advice.

If this is truly a case of being bullied, you have to understand that a bully will <i>always</i> seek out the safest, non-threatening victim. I would say your friends have already figured this out, and are quite comfortable with you being his victim.

If your adult-to-adult talk has no effect, you might have to pop him one the next time he messes with you. He might kick your ass, but more than likely he'll recoil, saying "What did you do that for - I was only playing around?" In any case, he'll never pick on you again - he'll figure out which of your friends probably won't hit him back - and from then on, they'll be his bitch, instead of you.

I'm not a fan of violence, but in the few circumstances that call for it, you gotta do what you gotta do. Sometimes it's the only way to earn a bully's respect. It'll do wonders for your self esteem, too.

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rainheart

Holy shit... this is so terrible, today he pissed me off so bad after doing his zippo lighter skit again and then hit me, that I just flipped out and smacked my knuckles right into his nose, and that didn't go so bad untill we got into this big fight in front of everybody else... I'm in so much pain even right now I'm on painkillers... god... never start a fight with people bigger than you.....

Aaaaahahahahahaa relax folks I'm just kidding, had you going there huh? The problem is resolved now, we're going for some bubble tea on the weekend with others.

So I'm pretty sure I've gotten myself out of the spot circled and labeled "bitch". I saw him today and he was just about getting ready to flick something at me, and I told him to cut the shit, that I was tired of having to deal with all these annoying things and I'm not going to be tolerant anymore. And then I asked him if he understood, and he said no, so I just said ok, and told him not to be so surprised if I do something too extreme the next time he does it again. And of course he moved on to other people, later on in the day we talked over msn and he apologized, said that his past friends were used to all this stuff and it was no big deal, and we decided we'd get some drinks or something later.

Thank you all for your advice, and honestly a lot of the methods here would probably have worked, some were just a lot more risky.

TinniT

I agree with all the above here. The best way is one of the above.

However for different scenarios i do different things.

In the past, this has also occurred with me. with some people it just doesn't work to do the cold stare and "don't ever do that again."

Sarcasm has always had the best results for me, because it allows your to save face in the eyes of others. you just have to expect rebutes to anything you say.

Sarcasm all the way. if they guy isn't actually a jerk and just sets on you to make others laugh, then he probably won't mind if you make others laugh by being witty about it.

I imagine you do what I used to do and cringe when he socks you. Thats probably the main reason he does it. Its important that you also are playful back so that he has more respect for you, such as blaring yoru chest out to make it a bigger target and smiling and saying "mm. gimmie another one, toots"

You don't need luck, just a GOOD WILL!

Journeyman

Me and a friend of mine, whenever we're drinking soda or eating mexican food, or just have gas, we blow burps in eachother's faces as "biochemical warfare." It's really fun. I've figured out that coca-cola burps really mess him up for some reason, smell extra bad.

So this other friend, a mutual friend of ours, I become comfortable with him enough to start doing it to him. He never joined in and just kinda got a look on his face, but essentially tolerated it. Then one time I do it and he goes, "Dude, that's my only pet peeve with you and you're not respecting it." And I've been respecting it ever since. So it's good that you got him to understand that it IS serious and it IS a big deal.

But a fun thing to do might be to take in drinking vodka often, and when he busts out the zippo, you shoot a mouthful of the flammables in a direction that will at least cinge him. But that could be really bad.

nukeu666

if u r shorter than him, give him a punch in the ballz

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Loup

Glad that things have turned out for you. It sounded as you just needed to stand up for yourself and tell him that you've had enough - and to make sure that he knew that you are serious. Be sure to have a couple of beers for the TFPers above

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papermachesatan

I would just, in a 1 on 1 setting, frankly tell him, "Hey man, it kind of bothers when you run up and fake hit me, flick your zippo lighter so close to me, etc. I'd really appreciate it if you stop. I'm asking you, as a friend, to stop."

skysooner

Papermachesatan has it dead on. Confrontation in front of people can only embarass you both. Talk to him one-on-one in private. At least then you will know where you stand. I was bullied in 6th grade by this one guy until I talked to him, and it just turned out he was lonely and didn't know how to make friends. We ended up being best friends for years until I moved away.