How to comfort a friend

[pezking4]

...after a tramatic event.

Recently I woke up and had a long message waiting on my computer from a friend. It began "I watched a 2 year old die today..."
To summarize the story that followed;
My friend is a leader at a summer time church camp, and his mentor and boss who owns the camp has two sons, age 2 and 12. One day some of the staff was cleaning up the garbage cans in the camp. The 12 year old was helping and jumped in the camp truck to back it up to a garbage can. His little brother came running out of a nearby building to be with his brother, and in a terrible accident the 2 year old tripped and his brother ran over the young boys head.
So my friend was there to witness the whole thing.. a young child that he had spent so much time with died right in front of him.
My friend has had some time to himself, but he's always quiet now. And I don't quite know the best way to help.

Have you guys been through something similar?

[rogue49]

Poor soul, how sad.

Be there, watch & most important,
listen

Otherwise you are powerless, allow him to grieve.
And it might come out in very unusual ways.
Try to not be surprised, just listen.
It might take some time.

I used to work at a hospital, saw things, was involved with things
that burned into my memory.

You find out in those situations your own human limit,
and how valued life is.

I wish your friend well.

[zfleebin]

In a situation that traumatic the best thing you can do is make it very clear to your friend that you are there for him. Dont push him to talk or bring up the incident. Getting over things that traumatic takes time and often people who go through stuff like that seem distant. This is a normal reaction and it doesnt mean hes angry at you or he doesnt trust you enough to talk with you about it. He is probably just taking in the reality of what happened and feeling a bit overwhelmed. The best thing you can do for him as a friend is to be around. Tell him that you are there to talk to anytime and that you want to chill with him even if that doesnt include talking about the situation or anything for that matter. Sometimes the comfort people recieve by having friends physically around them is more than any words can accomplish. He will come around it just takes time.

[ratbastid]

Whew. This is pretty close to home for me. I've been supporting people in grief in my life for a few months now.

The thing that's been most important for me to remember is this: there's nothing to <i>fix</i> about his grief. Don't try to get him over it or get him through it. Just be there with him and his shock and his sadness. It's all appropriate--they're appropriate feelings for what he's been through and is going through.

You have to watch out for what "comfort" means to you. Don't try to cheer him up. Don't try to make him feel better. Your whole job is to understand where he's at, and have that be the <i>perfect</i> place for him to be. He probably feels weird that he's feeling weird, you know? Do everything you can to make it okay and normal that he's feeling weird.

[neoinoakleys]

Listen...Intently!! There is nothing else that can be done...

[pezking4]

We decided to try and take a trip and catch a concert this month. Should be lots of fun, and a good break from everything.

[tinfoil]

Originally posted by pezking4
We decided to try and take a trip and catch a concert this month. Should be lots of fun, and a good break from everything.

That should help out tremendously. The only thing you can do is listen. Your friend will have alot of things to work through personally before s/he is able to talk about it.

[Cynthetiq]

time and listening... give your friend both.

[MacGnG]

the only thing to do is be there to listen.

[Splice]

I'm glad he has you for a friend. You seem to care for him a great deal and it shows in your willingness to be there for him and to try to get him to go out to the concert. And like the others have said, just be there and listen.