grrr parents

[anti fishstick]

i live at home and i'm 20 yrs old. i've been wanting to shave my head lately (buzzcut.. NOT bic) bcos i think i could pull it off. i've always been real experimental with my hair.. dying it weird bright colors (blue, red, orange, pink, green..) and my parents didn't like it at first but tolerated it. i just told them i want to shave my head and they freaked out. they've always been overly concerned with what other people think and they try to run that over to me. i've been raised to care what people think and it kinda sucks.. [haha now here i am posting to a message board caring what you think] i don't really agree w/ that way of thinking bcos then you're not ever really living for yourself. so i've always kind of rebelled from that idea and i guess one reason why i experiment style wise. :P so anyway, they're freaking out about it and i hatee their reactions almost to the point where i wouldn't do it. i've already talked to my manager and he was fine with it as long as i dont bic it he said.. which is not what i want anyway. so i think i'm being fairly responsible with my decision. part of me wants to respect my parents since i still live with them but part of me thinks i'm 20 and my own person and they don't have control over what i do anymore. i dont know. what do you think..

[Peetster]

You have to decide for yourself which is more important to you; respecting your parents' wishes or a hairstyle.

Frankly I'd try real hard to please the parents since you are living in their house. Wait until you are out on your own, then do what you want.

I'll qualify my answer by telling you I'm a parent with kids.

[Rodney]

You've got a job, you seem responsible (you actually checked with your boss first), and your parents are obsessing over hair? The problem is theirs, not yours.

Peetser says it's more important to respect the parent's wishes, especially since you're living with them. But you're not challenging the household routine or the rules of the house, you're not bringing dope or women home. You just want to have a certain hairstyle, and that threatens them. It shouldn't. The problem is that they can't let go of their control of you even though you're an adult; either that, or they're just really fearful people.

I'd say shave it. Just show up one day with it shaved, and let there be a sh*tstorm for a while and then let it blow over. Because they're really overreacting and being overcontrolling -- it's just a _haircut._

Or, if you can't do that, say something like this: I believe that the haircut is a good idea and won't harm anything. But you're making such a stink that the whole situation is still ugly. I think I have a right to this, and it's harmless. Can you trust my judgement? If you can't, I'll cut it. But I'll know that you don't trust me as a person to make my own decisions. And that affects my trust for you. Can you live with that?

And then just walk away.

[cj2112]

ok heres the deal, If your willing to upset your parents, and deal w/ the fallout, then go for it. But be aware this may mean moving out. They are gonna be pissed I imagine, and seeing as you live in their house, you are gonna have t deal w/ that. Is the risk worth the payoff, is it worth possibly hurting their feelings? I can't answer that, but you can.

[badflsh]

It seems like a good idea to not to go against the parents too much while living at home. Having said that, I agree that they really shouldn’t care what you do with your hair (within reason). I guess if I were in your position I would attempt to make them see that there is nothing wrong with a shaved head but I wouldn't just defy them.

On a side note, it seems to me that many times people go out of their way to show that they aren’t influenced by the mainstream. They may do this by an extreme hairstyle, tattoos, or whatever. The thing is, by doing so, they have still let society influence their actions (without the social norms they would not have rebelled) Thus, they have nullified their own statement in a way.

This observation wasn’t directed at the original poster or anyone else in particular. Just something that came to mind while reading the thread.

[lurkette]

It's hair. It grows back. Shave it, dude. Of all the things your parents could be freaking out about, this seems like a true non-issue.

[ratbastid]

Really.

Here's whatcha do. Open with "There's this girl I met. I think maybe I might love her. Anyway, she's pregnant and we're married. Can I invite her over for dinner?"

Once they pick themselves up off the floor, tell them you're JUST KIDDING, and take off your hat.

[Rodney]

Originally posted by ratbastid
Really.

Here's whatcha do. Open with "There's this girl I met. I think maybe I might love her. Anyway, she's pregnant and we're married. Can I invite her over for dinner?"

Once they pick themselves up off the floor, tell them you're JUST KIDDING, and take off your hat.

That's the best idea yet. Talk about making them see things in perspective!

[anti fishstick]

oh yea i forgot to say im female so they're freaking out bcos "it's ok for boys but not girls" and what will other people think.. and "it reflects the parents".. yeah maybe if i were 7. i'm my own person now. my mom asked why i'm so rebellious... i wouldnt be if they weren't so against it. this is something i've wanted to do since last summer but never got the courage to do. it's not bcos i want to rebel. i just honestly think i have the face and head shape to pull it off and i like the idea of still being feminine with or without hair. and then my dad accuses me of being immature and that i need to communicate more. hello, i could have completely done this behind their backs but i told them even when i knew they'd freak out and be against it. i have no incentive to want to communicate to them. i've never really been very close with them thru the years and NOW he wants me to communicate more. like that's all going to change overnight... i'd like to tell them i want to get birth control but they're probably in lalaland thinking i'm still a virgin even tho i'm in a good 5 month relationship right now. and i'm scared of how they'll react because they'll probably FREAK OUT even more. my dad actually said "i guess you know babies don't come from storks. you're old enough to know better" well no shit. it was probably his way of scaring me into abstinence or something. and i'm suppose to communicate more?? his obscure talk isn't going to do anything. blah. haha sorry tangent...

[darksparkles]

Originally posted by Rodney
You've got a job, you seem responsible (you actually checked with your boss first), and your parents are obsessing over hair? The problem is theirs, not yours.

couldn't have said it better.
although you might want to talk it over with them first... it sounds like you've tried, but mention how your boss is ok with it and it won't harm anything. if you know they won't kick you out, go ahead and do it and THEN talk them down from their anger, maybe.

[MacGnG]

yea i agree with rodney too.

you've figured it out, just do it.

edit: didnt realize u were a chick, but that doesnt change much. i perfer chicks with not really short hair but, if u like it whatever.

[Lebell]

I agree they are obsessing on something they shouldn't, I also agree it's their house and you should respect that.

As with anything, you have to weigh the consequences. I note you asked your boss if it was ok. What would you have done if he said, "no"? Done it anyway, have an arguement with him and maybe gotten fired? Or just suck it up and look for a job where you can shave your head?

Same deal with your parents. Do you want the grief for your "freedom" and maybe be asked to leave with lots of hurt feelings on all sides or do you suck it up and respect their request and maybe start looking for your own place?

My only other suggestion is to sit down with them and try to talk with them adult to adult, instead of child to parent. Explain your reasons and feelings calmly and then listen calmly to theirs. Maybe they'll agree that you can really make these decisions on your own now.

Remember, while you are an adult, parents naturally see their children as those that they took care of and guided during the most important years of their lives. If you remember this and reassure your parents while reminding them that you are no longer a child but an adult (while acting like one) you will go a long way towards your freedom and own maturity.

(Part of the maturity may be the 'suck it up' mentioned above. Sometimes adults have to do that too when they can't get thier own way...)

[badflsh]

Originally posted by anti fishstick
my dad actually said "i guess you know babies don't come from storks. you're old enough to know better"

Heh, I would have to agree that if this is the only info your parents have given you about sex then there is definitely some communication problem there.

I agree with Lebell on this one, even though communication may not be a strong point it is your best shot. If you just show up with a shaved head knowing that they will be mad about it, you will only be ignoring the real problem. If you actually sit down and talk to them about it more, even if you cant get them to agree, at least you are communicating a little more. There may be sometime when you really need to communicate with your parents and if you don’t use the less important opportunities like this one to start communicating then you may not be able to when it really counts.

As for birth control, it would be ideal if you can talk to your parents because it would help with trust and communication in the long run. That said, it would also be ideal if I won the lottery but it ain't gonna happen! So if talking to your parents is pretty much out of the question, find out if there is a planned parent hood near you(don’t know where you are but I think there is one in Eugene and probably Portland) or if you are in school just go into student health services. If you can do either of those things then there is no reason your parents need to know.

[rival]

oh yea i forgot to say im female

Ohhh...okay. I was really confused for a few minutes.

[Slims]

If you don't care about your hair/appearance, then you should be willing to just do what your parents want. Your appearance matters more than you might think. Every time I make a significant change in my appearance I see dramatic differences in the way people/employers behave towards me.

Ah, you are female. Keep some hair, you can always dye it another color, just keep some hair. I have had a couple female friends who shaved their heads, and they all spend a long time growing their hair back and say they will never shave their heads again.

[ratbastid]

Originally posted by anti fishstick
oh yea i forgot to say im female

Aha! Even better!

"There's this guy I met, and I think maybe I love him. Anyway, I'm pregnant and we're married. Can I invite him over for dinner?"

Once they wake up, when the whole family is clustered around their beds in the emergency room, say "JUST KIDDING!" and whip off your hat.

Maybe start with almost a buzz? Do the back and sides off short, but leave some on the top. Once they get used to that, go all the way.

Get a couple nice hats, that you will wear when you are out and about with them.

Explain how money will be saved on shampoo, and the drains will be less apt to get clogged.

Take up motorcycle riding, and explain how much more comfortable short hair is when wearing a helmet. They do want you should wear a helmet, yes?

[anti fishstick]

i have an almost buzz right now. i was just trying to cut off all the dye color. anyway its not much shorter than the shortest i've ever had it before. its like 2" on top and 1" everywhere else.. shaving my head was something i've always wanted to try once in my life. this is probably the whole shebang before i stop experimenting with hair completely. i'm getting quite bored of the short spikey look.. and the weird dyes and such.

[Halx]

I am so in favor of chicas with shaved heads... I dig it. Do iiit! Tell them Hal said you could.

[Charlatan]

My wife has a bald head... I think it's totally hot.

Just do it. Your parents will get over it. It is just hair.

BTW... I like ratbastid's idea.

[Cynthetiq]

i'm one for long hair.... sheesh.. i have longer hair than most women i know... but if you think you want it short.. discuss discuss discuss... then if they still don't see it... do it way and live with the aftermath. if it means you have to strike out on your own and pay your own way... then that is the price of responsibility of doing things the way that you want. if they pay for ANY part of your life, they have a percentage of say. no pay, no say.... easy enough.

[numist]

if your parents are that conservative, I would have moved out a while ago, but there is one good lesson here:

best to appease them for now... living with your parents is a lot cheaper than living on your own. The smart people stay with their parents until they can afford a mortgage on a house. Then when you move out, at least you own something.

[rockzilla]

Originally posted by Halx
I am so in favor of chicas with shaved heads... I dig it. Do iiit! Tell them Hal said you could.

Well, he is your admin.....

That being said, some girls can pull it off, some girls can't. But you'll never know until you try. Before you do it, force your parents to give you a GOOD reason why you shouldn't ('It's for boys, not girls' is not a good reason). Ask them what they'd do if you did. If you're prepared to face the consequences, then by all means go for it, although I'm betting that your parents wouldn't punish you, they just don't care much for the idea.

[Caser]

i dont know how u could find girls with shaved heads attractive ...its weird

Originally posted by Caser
i dont know how u could find girls with shaved heads attractive ...its weird

Nice....


Anyways... Have you considered progressively working down to the shaved look? You might save yourself lots of grief by progressivley shortening your hairstyle over a month or two. The other benefit is that you may get to point where you think "Hmmm... I don't think i can pull off hair any shorter than this" and save yourself the grief of growing it back.

Oh, BTW - I support you doing whatever the hell you want to do with your own head - I was simply suggesting a potential grief saver.

[Charlatan]

Anti Fishstick... what's the update?

[tmricha]

As long as you live with your parents, its their house and their rules. If you dont like them...you are free to move out.

[anti fishstick]

Anti Fishstick... what's the update?

oh.. i did the progressive hair cut thing. right now its about an inch on the sides and back and 2 inches on top. so it naturally spikes up. but this is been there done that.. :P i can see my scalp through my hair a little and i'm pretty confident my head shape would work. i also have a heart-shaped face. but its more an issue of building up courage again. now i'm thinking of doing it more towards fall so i have an option of wearing hats :P altho it'd be really awesome if i had it done for the metallica concert next week.. haha.

[angela146]

Sorry Fish but I have to laugh. When I was 20 I rebelled a little also... I got married.

I've always been closer to my parents than you seem to be with yours, but, when my finace and I announced our engagement and wedding plans, my parents almost disowned me. Of course I was too young (18 at the engagement), we hadn't known each other long enough (6 months), it wouldn't last blah blah blah....

Well, they came to their senses about eight months later and we were all patched up long before the wedding. I'm also still very happily married to the same guy.

You're 20 years old, they need to get a clue.

[bobbles]

If they're that obsessive about hair, there's definately a problem there...

[anti fishstick]

funny thing is if i told them i was getting married today they'd probably jump for joy. yeah they just want me out of the house ;D no but really, they're always like "who's next?" in line for marriage amongst my [HS] friends. and my mom has this stupid grin on her face like she hopes its me. ugh. just not my thing right now.