She cheated on me. I still love her.
 

What the fuck do I do?

It's understandable that you feel that you love her because it's impossible to turn off one's emotional attachment to someone overnight, no matter what happens. This may sound a little cynical, but I offer to things to consider ...

• If you let her off the hook, how likely is it to happen again?
• Will you ever be able to truly get past it, or is it something that you would conceivably hang over her head indefinitely?

Plan9 likes to post this a lot, and I believe it's pretty useful.

Cut all contact.
Delete Facebook.
Hit the gym.
Fuck strangers.
Hang with bros.
Remain calm.

That's pretty much all you can do--do you really want to get wrapped up in someone who cheated on you? There is always the possibility they will do it again, and do you really want to spend your time on someone when that thought is in that back of your mind?

I don't think she will do it again in a hurry. This happened an hour ago so tbh I'm still in shock. I never saw it coming. Her reason was she does everything for me but jesus I was nearly killed by cancer and have been working again for a month after a six months of treatment that royally fucked me up and another six of recovery.

snowy - we've been together nearly four years and have a joint mortgage. I don't know if I can walk so easily.

What does "this happened an hour ago" mean?

She cheated on your an hour ago, or you found out an hour ago? Was it an affair or a one night drunken mistake?

More information is needed before an effective answer can be arrived at....

Agreed with the addition that we're here to help as needed.

Loving someone is a conscious decision YOU make. What we each factor into that "love" decision varies from person to person. For many people... trust is one of the biggest factors for a healthy relationship, but it does not neccessarily equate to whether you love someone or not.

Like some others have said.. we can be of more help if we know a little bit more about the situation.

First, I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this in the midst of treatment. As if you didn't have enough to deal with. :sad: Hopefully, you're making progress?

Secondly, I think you may feel differently once your brain processes what's happened. You're in shock.

There are some couple that are able to make it through this, but it takes a lot of work, effort and mutual love. I've only met one couple who've successfully done it, but their story was a little different.

Give yourself some time to process this. If the two of you can talk openly there's a chance you may be able to get through it.

I think TFP in general doesn't like to see other TFPers getting stomped on and taken advantage of so if you need moral support, no matter what your views after you've considered everything, we're always just a click away.

There's this guy down the road who she met while walking their respective dogs & she had been meeting up so the dogs could play. She started having a few drinks & getting stoned (which she likes but I won't do pot ever). She started staying out later & last night burst into tears and told me she cheated.

My reaction was and is pretty cold, probably because once you're told you have a 40% chance to live there's not much that can rattle you.

I don't know if she was drunk or high and I don't particularly care to find out all the sordid details.

Things have calmed a bit. Her reasoning - I forget to do the dishes so she always has to (I'm adhd and she's ocd - she never reminds me just does them) and I'm become a shitty lay (thanks, testicular cancer).

When I was younger I had a close gf cheat on me and I feel your pain...

First thing you need to realize is that there's nothing you can do to change the past, move on from it...
Secondly, determine whether her reason, versus your feelings are able to coexist in a healthy relationship...
Third, don't become obessesive on the situation, such as thinking about it, talk with her, define your relationship post-infidelity
Fourth, deal with the consequences of her actions...

sorry this had to happen...

The fact that she can't take responsibility for it and instead blamed it on various things about you says everything you don't want to hear. :/

maybe he wanted to hear it and she told him the reason.

its not an excuse for infidelity, but they may be valid reasons for the breakdown of the relationship.

You love her...does she still love you?

I was not commenting on the validity of any reasons and assigning any blame. I was pointing out that her inability to take responsibility for the part in it she had is a large indicator any energy spent "fixing" this would be one-sided or done for the wrong reasons, and that she doesn't have any sort of perspective or maturity about the whole thing.

I just assume if someone cheats on someone else, things were pretty messed up beforehand, and both parties knew or should have known it in a majority of situations. Of course, everyone thinks they are in an unique situation, and they are partially right. :)

I think you've hit the nail on the head. She wants to be with this guy & she will loathe me for stopping her. I mean, she's at his place right now.

If you are married, you should first cover yourself and document it all no matter how painful. Even if it means hiring a private detective to take pictures, or get a hidden camera so you can record and document it. You need to protect your assets and yourself always.

Do what you can to lock down all liquid assets, credit cards.

This may sound harsh but right now she from what you are saying is not taking responsibility for her actions or even partial responsibility. It shows she is already one step out the door. And the bad lay comment after testicular cancer is honestly just cruel.

If you both really want to continue the relationship you both need therapy, you should both research and find a therapist, I would recommend couples and 1 on 1 therapy (with different therapist unless the therapist sees both of you still 1 on 1 and couple).

I feel for you, and wish you the best, it is not a pleasant road.

hulk, it sounds like you have the answers you needed - not from us but from her. Good luck, man, and know that we're here for you when you need us. Sorry that she's so selfish.

I'm not in your shoes man, but from the sounds of things, FUCK THAT SHIT!.

hulk - I think you should take some time to gather yourself before making drastic moves...but everything you're sharing indicates that you need to get out. She cheated, her reasons are petty (especially with you in recovery), she takes no responsibility for her actions, and after admission she's hanging out with the guy. That's essentially what I just read. There may be more to it, and there's always the other side to the story - but if its even close, the best thing for both of you is to get out. Good luck.

This. Get ready. Move liquid assets, at least half of them, under your exclusive control, so she can't ambush you if she decides to screw you further.

It just keeps getting more fucked up. She's asked how I'd feel if we kept living together and doing everything together except sleeping. So I'd keep being a good boyfriend and when she feels like it she'll pop down the road.

This other guy is promising her the world, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, that he'll look after her every need, how can I compete with that?

I hate this whole fucking thing.

The biggest hassle for you is the combined mortgage.
Can you pay this on your own?
Do you have any possibility of buying her out?
If you sell, does it cover what you owe?

Option 3 might be the best move - sell the house, tell her to fuck off and move on.

spoken like a true gentleman.

i love aussies.:thumbsup:

The biggest hassle is I'm still stupidly in love with her.

It just came out of the blue. Blindsided me completely. Sometimes at night I think it's all a dream. God damn it.

Hulk, i know it sounds like cliche, and i hate cliche's like a mother-fudger...but time will make you see things clearer.

Right now your life is a mess and you wish for normalcy. if only she can love you again, if only you had paid attention, if only things can go back to the way things were, if only i didnt know...im sure all of these have gone through yor head. But the only thing that you need to concentrate on is you. Pick up the pieces, move on and think of yourself, because that selfish bitch wont.

in a few years you'll be glad you found someone else who treats you for what you're worth instead of treating you like trash and kicking you to the kerb when she doesnt want you. she.is.bad.news.

...

...if you're Henry Rollins.

It does work, but it doesn't actually help the injury. It's a distraction, it's a band-aid on a gunshot wound. It's that piece of rawhide between your teeth when they saw off your leg. After you're done playing "This Isn't Happening," the hole in your chest (er, life) is still there. This just buys time to calm.

It's easy to get wrapped up in someone that cheated on you. You wanna know why. You wanna know how they justified it. You wanna know what you could have done differently, even if it was obviously X, Y and Z the whole time. I've been there many times. And though the conventional wisdom isn't to try to question a knife out of your back (just pull the motherfucker out and slap a bandage on the wound, possibly an occlusive dressing) it doesn't help the system shock of someone betraying you. Not having them in your face is good, but it doesn't heal anything. The forward process is 1-2-3 outlined in those steps... remove the person from your life (cut all contact, delete Facebook), keep your body challenged to keep your brain busy (hit the gym, fuck girls off OkCupid) and don't become a recluse (find bros, hang with bros). Avoiding rash behavior such as sending angry "I Feel" or ultimatum emails. It's pointless desperation and won't benefit you in the long run even if it feels better to get the vitriol out of your soul. Put your energy into you.

If that means sitting on the couch and drinking heavily and growing a substantial hobo beard, do it. Give yourself some down time to wallow. That's fine.

But pick a date to Man Up (TM). Make sure you stay in control of when you get better. You control the wallowing, you control the healing.

...

Know that there is no closure. There is no closure. There is no closure. There is no closure. What did I just say? There is no goddamn closure.

This is absolutely critical. Make it your mantra. You may never be able to understand and accept her reasons. So don't try to make sense of it.

...

Let us know how things are going, Hulk. May you find solace in knowing that a lot of us here have gone through the exact same thing.

I've been through this issue twice in the last five years. First it was my wife, then it was a long term girlfriend. I'm too stupid to see it coming.

...

I'd follow the advice laid out here, bro. Cover your ass financially, remain calm and develop a plan to Ditch the Bitch (TM) ASAP.

Come at this like a cunning divorce lawyer. Figure out your financial and property vulnerabilities and secure them immediately.

Get her away from you or get yourself away from her. If you need to shack up somewhere else, do it. Don't be her doormat.

If there is a way to get her out of the house (perhaps a good old fashioned legal threat of some sort), play that card soon.

Demotion to roommate BFF? If you do so, prepare to be a doormat. Think about the message she's sending by asking you this, and what you're saying by accepting. Let her go man...she's already gone. If you can't kick her out because of the mortgage, then I'd treat her like the roommate you barely know and work towards complete separation.

Thanks guys. Plan 9, you just made me smile.

I'm here for you, man. TFP was here for me.

OK, I'm going to try to see this from her perspective, and I'm going to recap as much as I can from what you have posted.

You two are married and have been together for four years. About a year ago, you were diagnosed with testicular cancer, and the recovery has been very difficult. Your relationship has changed from that of lover to lover to that of caregiver to patient. This can be a huge strain on a marriage.

Additionally, the testicular cancer has impacted your ability to have sex (I'm not sure to what extent). In a poor decision on her part, she looked elsewhere for sex, and got it. She knows that the screwed up, and came and admitted it to you. You reacted coldly, and (to give you room to think? out of fear?) she went to the other guy's house while you processed your thoughts.

You still love her. She is not looking to dump you, perhaps she still loves you, since she is suggesting that you still live together.

So... now what? Has your treatments completely destroyed your sexuality? Have you two been doing anything together sexually? Can the use of toys or perhaps a strap-on allow you to still give her penetrative sex?

What if she still loved and cared for you, and she still went to this other guy for an occasional fuck? Sex, while important, is not necessarily the only part of a marriage. There have been stranger arrangements made by other people.

No sleeping with him? Hardly the occasional fuck, even if this is acceptable as far as hulk's concerned. The fact that she chose to do it with no conversation and total disregard for him is appalling, especially under these circumstances. When a woman feels neglected by someone who's physically incapable of fulfilling those needs, she ought to at least start a conversation before abandoning and neglecting the one she purportedly loves.

This arrangement leaves her nights with the other guy and you, hulk, lonely and insecure, being used for what you can do for her, or else it's her way of keeping you on the proverbial back burner.

Playing devil's advocate, it may be worth one more shot at a conversation. But if there are no straight answers, I'd definitely agree with the majority here. If she's not able to say that she wants to spend her life with you, if she can't sleep with you regardless of your current physical condition ... it's time to let her go.

I reckon there needs to be more antipodean language in our world.

I agree, it was appalling, but I still see a chance for fixing things. I hate to see something thrown away that could be fixed.

There's all sorts of other arrangement possibilities: only sex with the other guy when Hulk is (in the room/in the house)? No sleepovers? Not this guy, but some other guy that Hulk approves of, and understands the situation from the start with appropriate boundaries?

I don't know Red Lemon, I'm not so sure having a third party sexual relationship is necessarily beneficial to Hulk...

While I am a major proponent of 'Working Things Out' she crossed a line, then, after breaking Hulk's heart by dropping a C-bomb, still goes over to her paramours house since her boyfriend, who's recovering from a major medical condition "is a bad lay."

And now she proposes staying together while she fucks a stranger?

I think the situation's toxic all around.

Look Hulk, I think you should seriously talk to her--that this is not something you are not willing to tolerate and will leave her unless she cuts off the behavior. (Unless of course you are okay with the proposed arrangement, then ignore all this, but from what you've said, it doesn't sound like something you are happy with). In addition, I feel like the arrangement she's suggesting makes you the equivalent of a doormat.

Before I go all divorce lawyer on you, you can probably try speaking with her, telling her you love her, that you appreciate her being around while you recover from your illness, but that her actions cannot happen in your relationship.

/Rant

---------- Post added at 01:15 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:00 PM ----------

.....in the alternative...

Who pays the mortgage and who holds title to the home? How is the home titled?

While she is head over heals for this other guy - get her to move out.
Let her fall for him, get your stuff and get out for now. Its your best chance of her not wanting to take anything of yours at the moment.

Is she on the loan or just deed? If its just the deed, you can get her off for next to $200.00. If its the loan, then you need to get a loan on your own to get her off.

After you get her out and hopefully keep most (if not all) your stuff, then try to work it out from that point - if you still want to that is.

Sorry this is happening to you.

I have to say.. This has worked very well for me in the past too.

Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past.

First, forgive.

Second, move on. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Why do people say this? It's one of the most ridiculous expressions I've ever heard.

There is some truth to it. One particular example would be a friend of mine whose wife cheated on him. He divorced her, and she married her boyfriend... and cheated on him, too. She's now twice divorced.

Another example is a former co-worker of mine whose boyfriend cheated on her. They attended counseling, and a few years later he cheated on her again.

I'd like to believe there's redemption for cheating scumbags, but so far I haven't seen it.

Your story touched me so much I had to create an account.

First off let me say, I just found out my girlfriend had cheated on me in the past, but not too long ago (JULY.... so she says). So I'm right there with you man, SHOCK! The difference between us is that I had to search e-mail histories, and I found a cell phone she used to have and there were some texts that make me want to puke. She claims they only did it once and it was like 2 minutes, but I still don't believe shit. It's rough dude. She's out on the couch while I sit in my room, feeling at the moment alright but it's such a roller coaster. One moment I think I can forgive and forget, then I see something on tv with people making love and just wonder how she could do that and lie to me for MONTHS. I've read a lot on here about how she's not mature enough to take responsibility but don't be too hard on yourself because at least your girl told you. You didn't have to go through months and months thinking things were okay and loving her to the most you had. I know it's cliche, but there's always someone worse. I don't have cancer but my mom does. My girlfriend was kicked out of her house and moved in with us (yeah, i'm 23 and live with my mom, so what?) and we gave her everything without asking for anything. And she was still able to do this to me... It's so fucked up because if you search for advice on this subject, there are literally MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS of people out there who are going through the same thing.

The one advice I have for you, which I'm not even taking myself because I want her to stay here with me, which she does but I'm just miserable, is: IF YOU DO MOVE ON, which is sounds like you don't have a choice man, THE NEXT PERSON YOU DECIDE TO SETTLE DOWN WITH, which will be a long time from now, I know because this isn't my first time, MAKE SURE YOU GET TO KNOW HER, AND the most important part, MAKE SURE SHE'S BEEN CHEATED ON. I'll say it again.

MAKE SURE SHE HAS BEEN CHEATED ON.

I've been cheated on in some way or another by every person I've been with. It's taught me one thing. Cheating is the most miserable feeling in the world. I'm sure you felt better when they said you had %40 chance at life. This must seem to you like there is no reason for living anymore.

My point is if you haven't been cheated on, then your chances of cheating are very high. Another thing to think about is how many people have been cheated on... which means there's a good chance there's someone out there for you later on.

I know this as well as you do, that no one on here will heal your soul of the pain it's feeling, but if we band together and are a crutch for eachother, maybe we can both get through this. If you ever want to talk I'm here. I've found over the past few days that my friends who have cheated are no longer my friends because my respect for them is gone. IF YOU'VE EVER CHEATED, well.... God damnit you deserve this. The way you have spoken doesn't seem so. I hope not. And the friends I have (well, I really only talk to one buddy of mine) who have been cheated on, make me feel the best I can, which really is just polished shit.

The other thing about my personal problem was at the time she was doing all of this, we were very heavy into pills. Oxycontin and Opana mostly. I guess the guy she was with was able to get her stuff, but like fucking Methadone. It just pisses me off because it seems like she was just using me for the better stuff. I have been off of pills for a few months which for me is a milestone. It just sucks so much that once the fog has lifted, the world ends for me. I know this post is about you and all but I can't help but reach out myself because I feel like shit too. There's no easy answer and people always say just leave her, move on, ect. ect. but that's coming from someone who may not be feeling what we're feeling right now. Again, I honestly don't think you have a choice and I'm terribly sorry man. I fucking hate all this shit and I wonder sometimes if God is so powerful, why the fuck does he make my life so miserable. I know these are just shock thoughts, but god damnit it fucking hurts. I'd rather break bones than have my heart broken. I still love my girlfriend, and she says she still loves me. But she was saying that for months to me yet saying to him through txt messages "are you home? just looking for a pounding". Jesus christ I just want to die when I hear that and I can't understand why I want her around... actually I do... it's because I don't want her to be with him. But is that a good reason to stay? I'm just trying to feel better and if she's gone I'll just think the worst, but if she stays I'm still thinking the worst. Cheaters deserve to go to hell, yet the ones in hell are us. I'm not trying to sound like a victim because i'm sure I fucked up and it was partially my fault. Nothing is enjoyable anymore... I haven't eaten more than about a half of a meal's worth in FOUR DAYS. FOUR DAYS. I may die of a broken heart and an empty stomach. What a fucking way to go. I'm sorry I started this so positive sounding and am ending it like this. Do what your heart tells you to, not what anyone else says. But also remember your heart isn't her's. Fight the battle in your heart and if anyone is to blame, it's that fucker God. He/She whatever, can be a total fucking prick, but maybe it's because he wants us to be stronger. All I know is when I die and leave this world, I have a few words to say to him. And I'll have a few words to say to the loves of my life who hurt me in the worst way possible. It's all fucking bullshit man. But sometimes bullshit can be so important to our survival. Just look at the ozone crisis...

because its one of the most extreme violations of trust someone can inflict on someone else. imagine sharing years of your life (since time is the only currency that matters anyhow) with someone that you thought you had mutual feelings for and that you thought would be there no matter what. thick and thin. helped you through cancer out of love. then "oh btw i'm not exclusively yours anymore. you have to share me with someone else"

fuck. that.

When trust is gone - whats left. Sorry Hulk, your female companion is an absolute bitch. She is playing the old guilt transference game. You have ADHD - (son has ADD) - she knew your problems related to the ADHD years ago - why bring up your forgetting to do things after all these years - except to excuse her piss poor behaviour - which it doesnt - just makes her more of a bitch for trying. Her idea of 'popping down the road' when she wants sex - whats up with buying herself a case of duracel batterys and something to shove them in if your sex life has been lacking recently. You have been ill - of course you are not going to be feeling the same enthusiasm for some things as you used to, I dont know what your end result will be health wise - hope it goes for good hun. She didnt go out get pissed up and wake up with her knickers round her ankles - she courted with this guy - and he is an utter bastard, the pair of them sound bereft of mortals. You cant turn off love like a light switch, and I know you hurt - but how much worse will you feel lying in bed at night knowing where she is and what she is doing. The idea of a threesome is dumb in my opinion - because you love her. Protect yourself financialy, as others have said - and collect any evidence you can 'in case of'.
An antipodean smile for you -
What is the definition of a drunk?
He who from the floor, can not rise, and drink, and ask for more.
Take care of yourself - and if the dog is yours and you can walk it - do so. Relieve her of the responsibility - surely the other chap doesnt want three dogs in his house.