[Men Only] -Where do you draw the line with verbal/mental abuse?
 

I'd like to kindly request that the responses here remain limited to men, in lieu of an actual "Men's Lounge." There is no way for me to enforce this, but it is an issue I'd like to see responded to in a pro-male way without bashing women, but also without female 'response' to a question they really can't understand (ala male comments on PMS).

Likewise, as it's a somewhat personal issue I'm opting to post this anonymously.

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So, men - where do you draw the line between simple "she's in a bad mood" or even "she's just bossy" from your significant other? I'm to the point where I'm honestly considering whether my girlfriend will ever treat me respectfully on a long-term basis.

I'm talking about dirty looks at my mere existence, the 'impatient' look if I happen to interrupt her shows with a story or a question, the ever-present "YOU ALWAYS X" where X is something I've just done, and she believes I always do (like not throwing away a food wrapper). She doesn't like me going out without her, but doesn't ever explicitly state her feelings. I feel like she manipulates me with passive aggressive sadness and anger, and I always fall for it.

I haven't had many partners and I've not been married, so I wonder how many of you consider this just part of being with someone for a long time, the very reason for the "nagging woman" stereotype and associated jokes about men who are "whipped" or have to ask their "Boss" permission. We've been dating more than 4 years. After I've brought it up before she's done well in being kind and letting me do things without her 'permission' and not being rude to me at bedtime or other times but she invariably returns to habits I think she learned from her mother (who divorced after pushing her father down the stairs, multiple times).

Is this something you eventually see in women, or is it really possible to be married to someone for 5, 10, 20 years without having a nagging presence?

Note: I mistook Edit for Reply, so the second post is really only an addition of the final paragraph, sorry for the duplicate.

Also although it's kind of unrelated it is kinda related - we haven't had sex in over a year. It feels like my advances are always rebuffed as not 'romantic' enough or 'too grabby' but she doesn't seem to be interested at any time, even if I do all of the typically (and non-typically) romantic things. I understand not wanting to feel violated, but I feel like she's maybe just not attracted or it's a carry-over of her general attitude towards me.

Listen, brother, don't take this the wrong way but...I'm not sure this relationship is salvageable. If you're feeling constantly scrutinized, nagged, and judged, to the point where you are unsure if it's mental or verbal abuse, and you haven't had sex in a year, this relationship is profoundly unhealthy.

My initial instinctive response is to advise that you get out of the relationship and find a healthier partner, with whom you have better communication and chemistry.

But I can also understand if you feel you have enough invested here that just up and getting out is not an option. If that's the case, my advice to you is to speak with her directly about this. Tell her you're not trying to fight, you're trying to communicate productively, and she needs to dialogue with you if the relationship is going to survive. I also deeply, deeply recommend couples counseling if you want to try and save this relationship. You guys clearly are not communicating, and from the sound of things, you need a safe space, with a safe facilitator, to learn how to communicate better and productively.

Frankly, individual therapy for yourself might not be unhelpful, too (if you're not already getting some). There's no shame in it: I've done it, almost everyone I know has done it, and I would wager a fair number of folks right here on TFP have done it. Therapy helps you help yourself, by giving you strength to confront your past, your present, and your options for how you want to live in the future.

My advice is, whether you try to save the relationship or not, work on you, because you deserve self-care.

Is she taking far more than she is giving?

One of the most shattering aspects of leaving an emotionally abusive relationship is finding yourself with no sense of self. Emotional abuse robs you of self-esteem and -worth. I've found that its primary weapon is guilt.

What are her good qualities? What about her makes you feel good?

You're caught in a vicious circle, dude. The problem is that you seem to be a very passive person whereas she's a very aggressive person. Seems to me, the only way to fix this relationship is for you to stand up to her and tell her what needs to change and why. You clearly lack the self-esteem and confidence to do so, though. With her constantly berating you and making you feel inferior (not to mention the fact she won't sleep with you, which brings on a whole 'nother truckload of insecurities), these self-esteem/trust issues you have aren't going to get any better.

I'd say try to find a way to build your self-esteem (such as the therapy route mentioned eIarlier) so that you can find the confidence to stand up to her, but, based on my, admittedly, limited view of this situation, I'd wager that, if you did take a more assertive role in the relationship, she'd lose interest anyway. Kind of seems that she wants all the control in the relationship and wouldn't be willing to compromise that.

So, my honest advice is to cut your losses, take some time to yourself, figure out what you really want, and learn how to assertively pursue what you do want. Once you feel you have the confidence to ensure your own happiness and the happiness of another, go find yourself a girl that has what you want and is willing to share it with you without breaking you down as a person.
_________

Advice aside, I would like to also give you a direct response to your post...

I don't think any relationship should involve constant nagging, berating, or lack of respect for one another. Furthermore, I would never pursue a relationship with a woman who made me ask for permission to go live my life.

The reason I get involved in relationships is because I enjoy that persons company and would like to share my life with them. Share's really the key word there. I don't want anybody to take control of my life.

Relationships require compromise to work, and if one person is taking more than they're giving, things become very one-sided. The only reasons a person who ends up on the wrong side of that relationship stays, is because of fear or content. Neither of these are good reasons to pursue a relationship...

Personally I draw the line when the bad attitude begins to surpass what I would consider acceptable behavior. We all have bad days, snap at people, walk around in a foul mood and that's okay but when that becomes the norm, its unacceptable and I refuse to put up with it. If that means the relationship has hit the end of the line and its time to go our separate ways then so be it, nobody should have to put up with that garbage just to maintain a relationship. You deserve just as much respect as you give her and if she can't reciprocate then there is a big problem...would you let anybody else treat you the way she's treating you right now?

Maybe the problem here is you don't confront her enough? If you just apologize because its too much of a headache to deal with (God, do I know how that feels) you're simply allowing her to continue because there aren't any consequences to her behavior (he'll just deal with it like always). Have it out and see where you stand, either she'll realize her behavior is completely unacceptable and make a real attempt at changing how she treats you or you find out that she can't deal with an assertive boyfriend and hits the bricks...either way it has to be better then what your putting up with now.

It is my opinion that love cannot exist without trust, respect, and admiration. Remove any one of those 3 and love ceases to exist. I also believe that love is a verb. It requires action. If she treats you this way, is she loving you? Does she ever love you? Is this the relationship you want to be in? Is it the relationship you want to be in 5 years from now? If not are the two of you willing to put forth the effort to make it the relationship you want to be in?

I don't have the answers to those questions, but you do.

The lack of sex alone is worth a breakup...time for both of you to move into different, more satisfying relationships.

Regardless of whether she really treats you badly (and it sounds like she does) you are not happy with her and have not been for quite some time....You should move on.

The verbal abuse thing is strange to me...If you like being a glutton for punishment then fine. If not, that's a third, perfectly sufficient reason for kicking her to the curb.


Get out of the relationship, go to bars, flirt with women who aren't cunts, take judo lessons and take back your testicles.

I'll say the same to you that I do to women in abusive relationships: it's not love, it's Stockholm Syndrome. Get out now and don't waste another day living with her bullshit when you could be on the way to looking back and wondering how you put up with it so long.

Man, you sound miserable. End the relationship.

What, are you going to marry her and spend the rest of your lives together like this? Have kids and make it all better?

End it.

If my my wife is being snappish, I probably deserve it. I don't mean that in a deluded abuse victim way, I mean that I probably forgot an appointment or she's exhausted and I'm not helping enough with the kids or something. Otherwise she's golden. I certainly don't feel oppressed. Cause and effect baby!

Isn't the point of dating to find out who you are not compatible with? Seriously, would you contemplate growing old with this person? Get the hell out!

I rode that horse for more years than I want to remember. It's a distant memory now.

You can make a whole new life that is wonderful and full of real possibility. All it takes is making it happen, and it won't happen with your current situation.

I would take Levite's advice about getting some one-on-one with an individual therapist. Just do it when you are single and looking to put your new life together.

My 2 cents.

If you haven't had sex in over a year, she's not your girlfriend.

Also:

Abuse is bad, regardless of the context. She's treating you more like a possession than a partner and there's no reason why you should have to endure that.

Walk away, brother. There's nothing for you here. Maybe there was once upon a time, but if so that ship left port ages ago.

Have I been posting in my sleep?
Wait...4 years...nope, not me. I've been living with something very similar for 15 years now.

Run

Quickly

It will not get better

The longer you stay, the more difficult it will be to extract yourself.

Reminds me of my first (and very bad) relationship. Imbalance of power, you're fearful of asserting yourself, and her lack of respect for you. Top that off with no sex for one year (seriously?), and I'd say you really owe it to yourself to see if there's better out there.

Let her go. It'll hurt for a while but there'll be better. Don't forget to assert yourself in your next relationship, too.

Aww, that's nothing. She's probably just on the birth control pill. It made all my former partners into raving emotional kamikazes.

/zinger

...

Let's turn this around to find the problem:

If you're such a pain in the ass, why does she keep you around? Think about it. What does she get out of this relationship? What are you doing to enable this? Is she leeching off your financially? Are you just really good at playing doormat to her Godzilla complex? If she's not having sex with you, is she banging someone else? Could it be that she's just a miserable sack of shit that had a bad childhood and thinks its okay to relive it on you?

...

Time to pick up your nuts, sparky.

Stop being her bitch. Relationships shouldn't be about dominance (outside the bedroom).

Figure out a way to quietly extract yourself from the living area, move your stuff, etc.

Once you've got your own place and all your stuff, cut all contact immediately.

After you're done licking your psychological wounds, get on a dating site and find a woman instead of a troll.

If you have friends / good coworkers, I'd recommend enlisting them to help you with this process.

The funny thing is that sometimes people just stick around long past the shelf life of a relationship because its just easier. I've done it before, I get comfortable and having to go through all the trouble of explaining shit and moving just isn't worth the time or energy, you've got a good thing going. The problem is you can't have your cake and eat it too, I didn't want to cheat but at the same time the thought of spending even another second with her made me want to vomit, eventually it ends but there is a transition where you just kind of resent having her around (I've never treated anybody like what the OP describes though...usually I just find any excuse I can to not come home). I wonder if some of that isn't going on here?

Maybe she's ready to move on but for what ever reason is just riding it out and taking her growing frustration with her life out on you. Has she always been like this or was it a slow build from fun, happy girlfriend to a hissing, spitting she demon?

Anyway I don't really know, just throwing it out there.

One of our female members has asked me to contribute this on her behalf:

Mr. Anonymous, why are you still in this relationship? What benefit do YOU get out of it? Not having to eat alone isn't an excuse. Really, you've got a roommate, albeit one that you used to sleep with, who's decided that you're a pain in the ass. One of you needs to move out.

What's she going to do when you start dating people that make you happy - something she's clearly incapable of doing. Get out. Get out now. Find someone who's better. It shouldn't be that hard.

I suppose this is largely the response I expected - I reason that it'd be rather difficult for a rational person to conclude anything else based on my description of her and I, and were I also a third party I know I'd similarly conclude that the relationship was toxic. To add some more to round out the picture from my perspective --

Coming back to read these responses this morning I felt defensive - like how dare you speak so rudely about someone I love. I mean I do, I really do. Even if it did get to the point of breaking it off with her, the hardest part would be seeing her face. I don't want to bring her any pain, and she really is a sweet girl who doesn't *want* to upset people.

Last night was a complete reversal of the behavior I've described here.. she was excessively nice, grateful for me buying dinner, and we sat and watched TV and even held hands. It's this type of almost bipolar switch that has me constantly questioning whether it's really mental/verbal abuse or just me overreacting to her understandable frustrations. That's why I was curious especially for other experiences, how often being moody/upset is experienced by other men from their wives/girlfriends. How much is acceptable, and how much is too much? I have no good way of deciding where that line is.. especially because of my past and my nature as a "person pleaser / don't make waves" kind of person.

I feel almost foolish reading through my description above because with the kindness fresh in mind it seems overly harsh, and if she were to read it she'd almost certainly burst into tears at reading it.

I really appreciate the people who gave me their personal experience. I'm a very analytical person and I thoroughly understand my situation, but what I don't have is a way to compare it to what is truly 'normal' out there - my sample size is rather limited.

As such, is not having sex for a year really that abnormal? I think if this were the only issue I brought up, some TFP posters might be willing to defend it as some sort of hormonal difference or something I wasn't doing for her. I thought when people were married their most common complaint is that they rarely had sex - or are those just ancedotes for comic relief? We're essentially married in my mind; neither of us is particularly keen on the legal concept of marriage and we have considerable shared assets and shared habitation for most of the relationship. We'd certainly qualify as common-law married in the eyes of our friends.

Sex has never been very prominent in our relationship - at the beginning I was a essentially a virgin (I'd been with other girls, but sex had ended in mishaps, really) and so I had performance anxiety issues, I think. She was really pushy about it when we first dated but I always felt pressured and always failed to perform. We've probably only had sex two or three dozen times in the time we've been together.

I think she sort of gave up at some point and now doesn't want to do it. Last year in October (hence a year) when we did sort of fool around she was upset that we didn't have sex and I just pleased her because she wanted me to 'be pleased' but I felt so pressured again and so nothing was really happening down there. Again, I also cannot rule out an attraction issue; her to me, or me to her. I don't have a huge pool to draw from but I do feel some sort of attraction.. not the same as I have to other women I've seen but still I do. I think she finds me attractive, if her what she has said about it actually reflects her inner experience.

It is further complicated by the situation; we've just moved and she is unemployed, so I'd put her in an awfully tough spot if she had to move out. I don't think she really could. She also owes me a couple grand for various expenses throughout the relationship, including costs of the move and other non-shared things. We've been in this situation a few times before in our relationship - not really her fault, but she's always made half (or less) than I do, and has been laid off a few times. I'm sure the money imbalance contributes to her and my feelings.

We share a lot in common, both enjoy video games, both enjoy similar movies. We have similar political beliefs and essentially identical religious beliefs (or lack thereof) and a generally similar identical outlook on life. I'm a shy extrovert and she's an introvert, so that is a continual strain. I want to go out and meet people, and do things - but as a shy extrovert I find it hard to do it alone. As an introvert, she doesn't want to go at all, so I rarely do go alone. If I do go alone I feel like she's upset (whether she really is or not) that I've left her home alone.

Would those of you who indicated that I should evacuate, posthaste, still advise so given the additional context above?

P.S. On a more sappy note, I really appreciate the people who have responded thus far. What I was looking for was a kind of rant-and-response "is this normal" like you'd have at a bar with your (civil) buddies over some drinks. No women to take overt offense where none was intended, no unnecessary bashing of ladies themselves, and some good advice.

I'd love to do it with people in person but I don't have any of the aforementioned after my move and I need them more now than ever. Some of the names in this thread I'd call TFP friends outside of this situation if they knew my screen name.

I understand those of you urging therapy, and really, I don't have a stigma about it. It just feels like you're paying someone to "be your friend" and listen. As long as you're not being a burden on people constantly whining, I've always found semi-interested friends and acquaintances to be better at giving advice than paid professionals.. especially since I don't have a problem opening my book of life for (most) to see.

It comes down to the net effect of the relationship. It's difficult to take any one aspect and ask yourself, "Is this too much?" If you are, overall, miserable and you don't see the relationship as salvageable, then you should end it.

One measure I've read is that having sex less than once per month is considered a "sexless relationship." Healthier relationships will average out to sex at least once every couple of weeks, but often more frequently. If you've gone a year, something is wrong.

The worst thing I ever did was not end a relationship for fear of hurting the other person. Staying in a bad relationship will do far more harm than ending one. The damage can be long-lasting. Do yourself a favour: End it as humanely as you think is bearable, but end it.

You are capable of finding a far better relationship. This isn't working out. Don't let the good stuff fool you if you are miserable overall.

For example, why are you posting here about it? You know something isn't right.

Don't expect people to change. You can only reasonably change yourself. I think you should focus on that.

You're content...

So she came home last night and had the urge to be nice for once. The problem is that behavior is out of the normal for her, whereas, in a healthy relationship, things would be the other way around.

It sounds like you have no idea what you're missing out on. I've seen it before in friends: Your first love that happened to work out for a long time, but, as most first loves do, things changed and it's not a very healthy relationship anymore. You don't know any better or have anything to compare to, so you just put up with it as if it were normal and sit back contently because, at least, you're not lonely...

There's better out there. There's true happiness. Don't let fear hold you back...

Relationships involving domestic violence often go through a cycle, from reconciliation, to calm, to build up, to violence (and then the cycle restarts again). Now I'm not saying what's going on with you equates to domestic violence, but I could not help but think about the cycle when you brought up last night's attitude reversal. Worth considering.

Sounds like maybe related topic addressed in "No More Mr. Nice Guy" - Dr. Robert Glover
nomoremrniceguy.com has a discussion forum as well. You may want to visit/read/post.

Look for "setting boundaries".

It's been more than 24 hours and you still haven't broken up with her....What's the problem?

Nut up.

No pussy is worth all that crap. Kick her to the curb and move on.

That cycle is common to all forms of abuse. This sounds like a textbook case, and I'm not the only one to say so.

Have a gentleman's agreement about owed money, but be willing to kiss it goodbye. Don't let someone else's money problems strangle your life.

You will find that it is the hardest thing to do something deliberately that you know will upset the female you co-habit with. Get used to it. Eventually you will find that you can do things that please you or that are important to you without running them through the BS factory known as "what about her?". I mean really, it seems like there is more habit than love here. More momentum than true caring. In a true relationship this games stuff just doesn't exist. Really. It is juvenile BS that you ought to let go. Your life is passing by. Trust me in this. I was where you are for a long time, 4 kids, shared house and family and the whole 9 yards. But the toxic crap poisons everything.

Change course, man. Let it go.

Same here. I have the world most wonderful wife (of the wives I've tried ;)) but on the rare occasion she's in a bad mood it's completely logical.

I am also a "person pleaser / don't make waves" person - but opposite to your situation she encourages me to be clear, to speak of my desires, stand up, be in charge - find myself. (She's fertilizing my growing nuts...)

A quick reality check is to ask yourself this question: When not considering my roles in society - who am I?

When I removed my roles as husband, father, employee, son , grandchild and such I realized I had no answer. My roles defined me but I didn't know who I was. Finding back "me" has been a long journey.

Therapy is not "paying someone to be friendly". A therapist will listen, analyze and identify patterns that you would benefit from breaking. It can be tough and hurtful - but you are carrying a lot of baggage from growing up with an alcoholic dad. You're even aware of some of your "not ideal" patterns of thought/action.

No matter what you do with your relationship - go see a therapist. If it doesn't feel "right" then try a different therapist. There are a lot of "styles" and persons. Not everyone is a perfect match.

If you want to continue this relationship also seek couples counseling. We realized our relationship where heading in a direction we didn't desire and went to counseling before it went haywire. That's one of our best decisions!

We've been going every 6 weeks for two years now, and it's helped us change habits, share the workload and support each other even better than before. Having a neutral third-party present makes it easier to talk and listen. It's a "safe haven" for discussing what's going on in your life.
It was painful and a bit embarrassing the first time we went, but now we refer to it as a date - a time just for us. (Having multiple kids makes us appreciate being able to speak in complete sentences without interruption)

Therapy? Sheeit, dude needs to get laid. I recommend finding a good martial arts school and starting up training, too. You'll get more assertive.

I'm not disagreeing with you Plan - but all the previous posts about kicking her out, taking up judo and screw around didn't do anything for him.
I just added my view on a different solution suggested by me and others.

In the end it still boils down to: Gain confidence, be assertive and do something about the relationship.

Well, bro... you can't save 'em all. All the advice in the world doesn't weigh more than an ounce of motivation.

You've been at TFP long enough to see that, I reckon. Sometimes people just don't want to get better.

...

A: "Man, these cigarettes are killing me."

B: "So why don't you stop?"

*awkward silence*

Fuck*.... I do agree with you...even though I would like to save them all I do realize that there is a first step that needs to be taken by him no matter how much advice we give. I just hope the step isn't "I'm sorry dear, you're right..".

*The "fuck..." was a sigh of resignation and realization...

If the guy just wanted to vent, that's / for the thread. Sometimes people just wanna bitch and moan about their situation but refuse to change it. They're content to be in shit, like pigs wallowing in filth. If the guy was on the edge of action and ready to jump but needed some personalized encouragement? Well, hopefully "we" provided enough to get him to do it. Either way, this forum--and the Web as a whole--is chock full of the same kinda advice on the same kinda topic. Sometimes people just wanna feel heard and get some validation. As a personal example, there was nothing new 'n amazing about my first few posts here. Oh, no... whiny heartbroken military guy lost his whole world to a cheating spouse. Boo-frickin'-hoo. But I said it, listened to the people here who told me to get my head out of my ass and moved on. Healing takes time, the decision to heal takes a nanosecond.

If you were married to her, I would give you different advice. As she is only your girlfriend, I say get out....now. For whatever reason, the chemistry between the two of you doesn't work and the water under the bridge will make it never work.

Her aggressive nature coupled with your anxiety surrounding sex makes your dick limp. She resents your "broke dick" and takes it out on you by being mean. She doesn't want to have sex anymore because she's tired of being disappointed at the end results. She's stuck with you because of her financial situation and is even more resentful of the situation.

Step 1) Forgive her debt to you. The money is gone anyway and the debt forbids the two of you to make sound relationship decisions. Frankly, I think if you forgive the debt, she's going to break up with you and move out.

Step 2) Break up immediately, and do whatever you want because she is only a roommate. She will hold no sway over you. If she doesn't like the candy wrapper on the coffee table, she can get a job and go live by herself. The golden rule says you can leave a candy wrapper in YOUR apartment anywhere you want.

Step 3) As soon as the lease allows you, find separate living spaces.

In the mean time, go out whenever you want and go meet someone with whom you have better chemistry.

P.S. Based on your posts, I don't honestly think you will leave. I think you will stay with this girl for another 5 to 10 years. That sort of saddens me, but your tone implies you are going to stay in this until the bitter, bitter end.

Also an option:

http://i919.photobucket.com/albums/a...t_Love_You.jpg

You beat Walt to that one....He's been waiting to use that cartoon for a while now.


Oh, and Anon: At least have the gumption to defend your decision on this thread. You seem easily pushed around and passive....Either break up with her or justify why you have not.

Anyone else picturing Ed Helms' girlfriend from The Hangover?

Good.

Oh, so justifying his complacency is somehow positive? I'm not about to let that slide.

I'd do her. I'd do her sloppy. Just like that bartender.

I had almost this same thought about Mr. "People Pleaser." But I was thinking more about this: No More Mr. Nice Guy: Interview with Dr. Robert Glover | The Art of Manliness

If she's making you unhappy, figure out what she needs to be able to do to make you happy and tell her to do that instead or just leave her.

Also, forget about the expense incurred as a part of your relationship that you claim she owes you. Unless you've got a signed loan agreement you can forget about ever seeing it again.

Way to be a dick. To preempt any further stealing of my thunder, I am throwing up completely unrelated, yet totally more awesome pics.

Not to advance this thread further off course than what it already is (this guy is obviously not gonna take the advice), but to go along with Plan 9's cartoon: I say give this girl a cunt punt! I've never seen the "cunt" bomb dropped on this board...there's probably a reason for that.

Steps to Success
1. gather appropriate testicles/motivation
2. tell girlfriend that she will never improve and things will never get better
3. leave girlfriend
4. get some good tang
5. rinse, repeat, reap rewards

http://s3.amazonaws.com/bonanzleimag...2728776_tp.jpg

The cure for all broken hearts.

Per the Op-

So could we please knock off the "kick her in the taco" type comments?

And yes, next time I'll be making a more official yellow "mod" comment.

Hey, it's not my fault you're behind the psychic funny picture curve.

...

No! Not the C word. Don't do it. It's incredibly coarse and inappropriate. That and it gets people in trouble.

...

Sorry, boss.

World's King didn't reply in a timely fashion and we had to take matters into our own hands.

And I don't see it as bashing women, just one woman in particular. I mean, we love women.

It even says it's good for breakfast. And right after that morning shower? I concur wholemouthedly.

If being with someone makes you unhappy you probably have to question what the relationship is for.

I dont think its necessarily a male/female thing - sometimes two people just cant "get along"... and unfortunately if it comes to it some people just arent very nice.

We only have your side, but from what youve said none of the things to me would be enough on their own to say "forget it", but if it had been like that for months and youre always feeling fed up and always feeling like your treading on egg shells to avoid an argument or bad feelings - I'd just walk away.

OMG!! OMG!! ... I know it's only because a woman is involved here but still ... strange choosing to not confront someone over anything? O-M-F-G!!

well, the problem here seems to be that the guy wants a confrontation of sorts - or at least to talk through why he is unhappy with the relationship, and that the girl just doesnt want to talk about it. I just think sometimes people are different and not compatible. Neither view of necessarily invalid - but if one person always wants to talk through and rationalise things and the other just doesnt want to - they are always going to wind each other up. She thinks he is always picking at things, he thinks she is passive aggressive and it makes them both unhappy.

Strange knows his stuff :thumbsup:

I'm waiting for an update from the OP. I'd like to know what he did, if anything. I'm thinking he did nothing and will stay with this girl, doomed for eternity.

Leave before you fuck yourself up too much for the next one.

Seriously.

He's right. Get out now. And don't just seriously contemplate it like you've been doing -- go to her, calmly tell her you're leaving, and end the relationship. You're not married. A GF breakup is EZ mode. Just do it and be born again.

Bipolar huh? Sign me up for that... Get out and get some help dude. She's playing you like a cheap dime store flute.

As I only see a limited context of your relationship troubles, I can only make limited comments with what you've presented.

I don't think your biggest problem is your relationship or the way your girlfriend is treating you, I think your biggest problem is you.

You are entirely responsible for your own happiness man, and I can see that you are not happy, and I have a feeling that you don't feel worthy of your own happiness. You need to work on that, you need to realise you're every bit as worthy of happiness and love as you believe she is. Your struggle comes from within, not from her or the outside, but within, and the resolution to this conflict must also come from within. It's a long journey, but it's worth it, because you're worth it, but only you can walk this path.

Like Plan9 said, we can give you all the advice in the world, at the end of the day it isn't going to mean shit unless you act on it. This why my only message to you is that YOU are entirely responsible for YOUR own happiness. NO ONE else is.

All the best in life and love mate.

That's what an abusive relationship does to you. It wears you down to the point that you don't feel like you deserve any better and blinds you to just how bad you have it.

Substitute the 'her' in this graph for 'him' & it's the same scenario

http://i253.photobucket.com/albums/h...wercontrol.gif

I'm breaking the rule set by the OP, because I believe it's important to acknowledge
that abuse in varying forms happens to both men & women, alike.

The Cycle of Abuse:

"It terrorizes, controls and breaks you...

The goal of an abuser is control. They want you to behave only in the ways in which they want you to behave. They achieve this control with abuse.

The cycle of abuse is a huge part of your answer to "How did this happen to me?" For years, you have very likely been feeling that you have been going around in circles... not getting anywhere. Your feelings are correct.

You have likely kept on trying and trying your best to resolve issues and doing everything in your power to try to stop your partner's abusive behavior... and nothing has worked.

Nothing has worked because your partner doesn't want to stop controlling you
and abuse is her method of doing it.

Look what has happened to you! Your "failure" to stop the abuse and "failure" to resolve issues, has very likely set up feelings of helplessness within you because you can't seem to make anything better no matter how hard you try. As you keep trying, and failing, these feelings of helplessness grow. Your once healthy ego and sense of pride begin to slip away and your sense of self-worth is shattered. You lose confidence in yourself and your abilities.

The combination of abuse and your failed efforts to stop it: erode your self-confidence, devastate your self-esteem and destroy your sense of self-worth. You become fearful, insecure and dependent. Everything in your life eventually revolves around your abuser, their moods and their needs. You become a non-person, and as such, you are reduced to existing as your abuser's "possession" or "provider."

You can't change your partner no matter how hard you try. You can't love her enough to make her stop abusing you. Only she can change herself or make the decision to stop being abusive.

The Cycle of Abuse keeps you fearful and off balance both emotionally and psychologically. Look at the diagram of the cycle shown below... you will most certainly recognize this vicious and devastating wheel spinning within your abusive relationship.

Understand how this cycle efficiently and completely destroys you

The saddest thing of all: This insidious, repetitious wheel will break you so smoothly, there's an excellent chance you won't realize you've lost yourself. For some people it may take years... but it will break you.

Each time you take a spin on the Cycle of Abuse you lose a little piece of yourself. You never quite make it back up to your top again. Oh I know, you may think and believe you have... but you haven't. Every cycle of abuse takes you lower and lower and lower until one day, there is nothing left of you. You just don't recover. Look closely at yourself and your life... feel your feelings... listen to your own heart... reach into your spirit.

I now ask you...

Are you really the same person you were before you began riding The Cycle of Abuse?

The heavy weight of abuse crushes you a little bit more each time you travel around the cycle. Down, down, down you go... until you are physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually annihilated."

It's been ten days.....


Have you followed the advice you both sought out and received in abundance on this forum or have you simply swallowed your self esteem and done what is easiest: Nothing at all?

I've that Nazareth song on cassette...

OP: If you're having trouble getting started on hitting the silk, you can always PM me and request a pep talk.

Trust me, bro... I know a thing or two about packing everything I own into trash bags at midnight and rollin' the fuck out.

I've been following this but felt basically everything that could be covered has been. I'm also wondering this.

that's a pretty simple way of getting rid of someone you've dated for 4 years isnt it? a little too simple. i mean, after that much time what's the difference between Stockholm Syndrome and love? for that matter, who really cares?

if you're so unhappy you need to break up, do it. if not, dont. asking people for advice on a forum is kind of a bad idea since the final decision is ultimately up to you

---------- Post added at 06:35 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:29 PM ----------

you sir, know a practical skill :thumbsup:

Not really, 9/10 times people are asking questions the already know the answer too. It's about being affirmed I guess.

When someone calls me untrustworthy. I do take great offense when people talk to me like I'm ignorant or plain stupid but nothing gets to me like being perceived as shady. It is the one and only thing that can actually make it hard for me to get to sleep.

Then asking for any advice at all EVER is a bad idea.
Because, you know, the final decision is up to you.

Good luck on figuring out how to fly that jet/operate that heavy machinery/do anything at all in any sort of career/make any money doing anything other than donating blood.

Seriously, that's just assinine. There are people here with experience in things that might be similar. Just because you don't, don't make the rest of us look like we don't know what we're talking about.

hey lets get mad over something that someone said over a telephone line... wait... we're all adults.

im saying that he'd be putting faith in advice from people he has no reason to trust Mr. Jazz. i wouldn't want to learn how to fly a plane or operate heavy machinery from anyone on TFP either. lets just dial it back a smidge shall we?

Hey, you're the one that said my advice was worthless. And that everyone else here trying to help is wasting their time. And you're also the one now accusing me of being a liar. And everyone else here.

So why don't you pause, think about why you're being a douche and add something that might be helpful rather than trying to call the rest of us out.

i'm saying Anon should make up his own mind and take the advice of a bunch of people he has probably never met and barely knows with a grain of salt. if you misinterpreted and it offended you, do whatever makes you feel better.

stop getting your panties in a twist dude, seriously, its a forum, which is why neither you nor Anon should take this stuff too seriously.

EDIT: i called OP Cimmaron instead of Anon, sorry for confusion

UPDATE:

It's been 6 months, almost to the day, since that response.

I know this is rare, particularly with 'Anonymous Member' posts, but this is the OP; I reckon based on my rather scathing original post that my actions could be perceived as spineless, but I stuck it out and our relationship has rather dramatically improved.

I think I may have been just taking the 'abuse' I described too seriously, and perhaps myself too seriously as well. Nowadays, if she gives me shit, I try to assume it's just a joke unless I have a reason to believe its not. I think what I thought was rude she thought was just joking and what I saw as her pushing me around was her just trying to get things done. I know, I know.. battered wife syndrome, only it's really not. I'm fundamentally happier, as is she, now that we're free to call each other out on the frustrated bullshit.

Still haven't had sex, but that's really not terribly important for me at the moment, either.

Do you masturbate at all? How is sex not important to you? I had a relationship like that and used to use those types of sentences:
"She's just sensitive, she's not being a bitch"
"I don't need sex, I'm not some macho dude with sex on his mind all the time"

The day I got out, I felt free. Not an ounce of regret since. It took time and determination to set up an exit plan and stick to it, it was probably one of the hardest things in my life, but also one of the best.

I know I'm new to this thread, and I should be congratulating you for having a better relationship, but it doesn't seem right to me.

Good luck in any case

Hey, I know someone who has something relevant to say!

Anon, PM me your address. I'm sending you one of my old fuckbuddies. She's good. And you clearly need blowjob intervention. You're totally delirious.

Wait. So you THINK she's joking when she treats you abusively, and when she pushes you around she's JUST trying to get things done? And no sex in, what, a year?

You must be so happy now. Sigh.

Seriously, what is it that keeps you in this relationship?
Do you have any close friends that know what's been going on? If not, I think it's time to trust a local friend and, hopefully, he or she can help you find your way out.

I think I was a man in a previous life.

First I thought I would shock you with some rough talk.

Then I thought I would cajole you with encouragement.

Then I read my previous post and realized I already called it: You don't have any intention of leaving this relationship and will continue to justify the abuse any way you can.

It's your grave. You dug it. Find a blanket and get comfortable. No sympathy here.

Have you considered that you may have a severely compromised or lost sense of self?

It's difficult to look after yourself in that state, especially when the abuse is still ongoing. This is because you are likely filling the void with delusion.

Get out. Now.

Sounds more like denial, actually.

Is it really possible to make that judgment based on a version of events from one side of the argument from someone who, with respect, was probably in a bad mood with his girlfriend when he wrote it?

1 year with no sex sounds like a long time to me also, but we dont know the context of that situation.

Yes. Assuming he's not lying about his perspective.

Regardless of the context, if he wants sex but hasn't had it in a year, there's a serious problem with the relationship. It might be her, it might be him, it just might be the relationship.

I draw the line at no sex or me being a worse version of myself when I'm around her.

Anon, as much as you love this girl and want to savage the relationship out of fear of her reaction/starting over, at some point you'll realize how much time you are wasting being with someone who doesn't respect you and you're hate your lack of action even more.

Leave, leave now and don't look back.

Even though you probably wont follow any logical suggestions in this thread until things get much worse, just think of my above statement the next time she pisses you off...i have a feeling you wont forget it by the time that happens. Good luck man.