SO Cheating, Conflicting Emotions
 

So recently I discovered my SO has been cheating on me. It shook me up when I discovered it and now I'm going back and forth between emotions.

We've been together for about 7 years, but probably would have gone our separate ways a long time ago if not for the child we have together. Our relationship has been strange and I've contemplated going out of our relationship before but never followed through with it. There have been a lot of times where I've considered that having an "open" relationship would be ideal.

We've gone for extended periods (a month or more) without sex, or at least I have (often with the aid of the Erogenous Zone). Probably because she seems to have set the priority for our sex pretty low and honestly I'm not that attracted to her.

When I think about what I would have done 10 years ago it seems pretty obvious. I would have flipped, kicked her out and started dating. Now though, things are not so black and white. I mean, the reason I'm still with her is so I raise my son. I don't want her to move 5 hours away and only see my son one weekend a month or something. Aside from that, I can't get that angry or bent out of shape when can sympathize with why she would do it.

Right now I'm feeling a little angry, probably mostly due to frustration. I'm jealous that she has found someone to fuck around with while I haven't even tried. I'm feeling a little betrayed, even though our relationship is pretty screwed up in the first place. And I'm feeling like an idiot for missing the signs for so long.

My plans at this point are to try to go out of the relationship myself, considering at this point that we are in a "don't ask don't tell" type of open relationship. I can't say if I want to find someone else more to fill something in me that has been missing or for revenge.

In the week since I discovered this I probably initiated more sex with her than in the month prior. Maybe I'm trying to fix whatever drove her to someone else in the first place, but even if I accomplish that I still feel that the rules of our relationship have changed.

I haven't talked to any of my friends or family about this as I'm a little embarrassed about it and I'm a private person in the first place. I have lost some sleep over this and I'm hoping this post will lessen the burden of carrying this alone.

It sounds like the relationship has been over for a very long time. I understand your worries in regards to your son, but you are keeping yourself from being happy by staying with this woman.

I think you should leave her and start finding out the best way to stay in your son's life just as much as you are now. It can be hard, but you have other options than staying in a loveless relationship.

I've nothing to add to what PoA said, except that raising the child doesn't have to happen from within the same house, especially if you and your partner can split on amicable terms. This might not be possible but is better than fighting over the kid.

If you stay together for the kid, it's not unheard to buy twin sized beds or have your own rooms and just do your own things as roommates.

What everyone else said.... plus, staying together when you're obviously unhappy will have a negative effect on the kid, as well. It sucked when my parents got divorced, but it would have been a lot worse if they had tried to live together longer.

Your options as I see it:

Option 1: Enter into an open relationship.
Option 2: Stay together as roommates, a la telekinetic's suggestion.
Option 3: Go your separate ways.

The common thread among these, you may have noticed, is they don't involve any subterfuge. Talk to your SO, figure out what's right for both of you. Be honest and frank. It might be painful, but at this point I suspect your situation is going to implode sooner or later anyway. Might as well deal with it on your own terms.

Of course, it's also possible that when you talk you'll discover that it's possible to maintain and repair the relationship with your SO. Do you want to continue your relationship with her?

Keep an open mind, and be clear on what your needs are. Couples split up all the time, even when there's a kind involved. No matter how you choose to deal with this, there's no reason that you can't both continue to be a big part of your child's life.

You're right. This is something I've been trying hard not to deal with for a long time, a lot longer than I've known she was cheating. I'm just afraid of what will happen. When we break up I have little doubt she will move back to her parents which is about 4 hours from here. That will put me in a position that in effect means I'll need to move or try to work out some kind of joint custody that will be hard on everyone involved. We need to talk though, that's all there is to it. This revenge cheating, it's not me and it just stands to poison anything else I need to do here.

We have to talk, that's all there is to it. I've been living in denial for so long but this is too much to try to ignore.

Children always complicate things. Even if she does move back with her parents, though, you have options. Apart from that, living in the sort of environment fostered by the passive aggressive behaviour, lying, backstabbing and overall hostility engendered by the course of action you were considering would have been much worse for your child than any solution you might conceive post-separation.

Deep breaths. You're at the hardest part. Once you've dealt with this, things will improve.

You have said that you are concerned that you would not see your son if you left, and I agree that this is a huge issue (as it was when my wife had an affair). But you have missed the option of you raise your son and your ex sees him on odd weekends?

In my case, she had an affair, and I asked her to move out. My daughter lives with me, and visits my ex.

Just because society assumes that a father must leave and the mother must raise the child, doesn't mean you have to agree.

i agree with daniel here. i'm sure you could argue that you'd probably make a better father if you can prove her infidelities.

There's no reason why your son cant stay with you and she makes the trip on odd weekends to see him.

just out of curiosity, how old is your son?

Custody isn't what it used to be--the mother isn't automatically thought of as the best option anymore.

As everyone has said above (and well done guys, great responses), children can and will pick up on your negative emotions. Staying together for the sake of the child is pretty much the worst idea ever, if you and your ex cannot communicate effectively with each other. Not only that, but you're modeling a poor marital relationship for your child, which will impact them in the future when they grow up and have their own relationships. Divorce is tough, but children fare better in environments where there isn't conflict, and even if the conflict is beneath the surface and not communicated, they pick up on that too.

My best friend in high school was the child of people who stayed together for the sake of her and her brother. She admitted to me several times that she wished they had just divorced, to eliminate the clear dislike they had for each other beneath the surface. They eventually divorced, to everyone's relief.

Divorce, move on, find someone you can really love, and know that that relationship models what a healthy, loving relationship looks like. Putting aside your own needs and desires for a child is not healthy. Parents need to take care of themselves first so that they are happy; a happy parent takes better care of their child.

These responses have all been things I've needed to hear, though I haven't wanted to. She out town with her parents for a few days at a wedding so I have a couple more days to plan my approach to this (and lose a little more sleep over it). I had a vivid dream just before I woke up about fighting about this. I approached her to talk about things in my dream and the first thing I said was 'I know you've been cheating on me' which of course led to the hostility I was trying to avoid. I woke up with my heart racing a couple of hours before I intended to get up.

I just need to talk to her in private and acknowledge that we both know our relationship has been over for a while. It's like we've been floating in limbo. I think we've been good parents but really shitty partners. I don't mind still living together for the time being but we can stop pretending that we're married. This isn't how relationships are supposed to work. We have a lot of things we need to talk about and I'm not trying to take our son away from her. Ideally we should split our time with him pretty evenly and still do lots of things together.

If I can keep my ego and anger in check I think I can work this out in a way that's best for everyone. Hopefully we can be better friends than we were as a couple.

BTW, he's four.

Mods, I think this thread may have moved more into the Tilted Life category.

I guess the question you need to ask yourself is how angry you really are at her. You said before that you don't really blame her. The state of the relationship doesn't have to be a reflection on you, or her, but on the combination of you and her (am I sense making?). Some people just really aren't a good match.

If you approach the topic with her, just stress that you actually understand and aren't angry. Let her know that you're not out to get her or take her son away from her.

Best of luck with it man.

Can I just add in: my parents divorced after 19 years of marriage, when I was just about 11 years old. At the time, of course, it made me sad and angry, and I wished they would stay together. But it really didn't take long at all-- a couple of years, no more-- for me to realize that actually, they should've divorced a long time before that. They had a terrible relationship, and for a long time before they divorced, everyone was unhappy in my house, including me-- I just never quite knew why. Real understanding on deeper levels came much later, of course. But I got it straight pretty fast that the divorce had been more of a blessing than a curse.

I am a much better person for my parents not having stayed together even longer for my sake. I would have probably had an easier time getting my shit together if they hadn't stayed together as long as they did.

Staying together for the sake of the children is, IMHO, not really a good idea: it is self-defeating rather than doing the children any favors. I think you and your SO will both be better parents when you are not tied down in this unhappy relationship to one another.

I guess I owe you guys an update, since you helped steer me away from making some bad decisions. I finally talked to her this morning, I asked her to define our relationship, are we two people living together as if we're married with a kid or are we just two people living together trying to raise a kid. She couldn't quickly answer that one so I answered it for her. I told her I thought we were two people living together raising a kid and that as a couple we're uncommunicative, cold and probably should see other people, as she already is. She started to deny that she had been involved with someone else but I stopped her. I asked her not to lie to me and told her I had seen the messages (and picture messages) on her phone. She didn't deny it at that point but said she never had sex with anyone else. I told her that I'd like believe that, but it didn't matter, she still had a relationship with someone else but I can understand why. I told her I was trying not to be mad but I still felt betrayed. I told her it wasn't fair to either of us to keep pretending and she told me she thought I start seeing other people. We basically agreed that not much had changed in terms of our relationship, we just finally got around to defining it. I also told her that I hoped whatever she did or was planning to do I hope that she used protection because I don't think I could forgive her if she gave me something I have to live with for the rest of my life. I was disappointed by her lack of emotion in this, but all and all it seems I couldn't have asked for a better outcome.

So that's that. I'll see how this plays out in the months to come, but I surely plan on finding some women that are interested in me. It's been so many years since I've dated that I'm not even sure I know how anymore. I guess I'll have to go to the Hall of Fame and reread Plan9's guide on how to pick up women :)

I can't say I'm feeling great about all this right now, I wish I could, but it is time to move on. Thanks for pointing me in the right direction.

OK, but what about a divorce?

This is like ripping off a Band-Aid--either you can do it quick and get the pain over with for everyone, or you can prolong it by doing it slowly. For the sake of your child, I'd recommend the former over the latter.

What Snowy said.

Closure and clarity of boundaries is eminently worth not putting off. For everyone's sakes.

Sorry to hear it had to be this way, man. That's no picnic.

I guess I was a little unclear about our relationship. We've been living together for about 4 years but we aren't married in any legal sense. I meant that it was as if we were married. Right now neither of us are really in a position to live in a house by ourselves. She's taking classes and working part time and I pretty much only have enough business to work part time.

It almost sounds like my situation a few years back. I gave up and moved into my own bedroom while my daughter was still living in the house and not long after my daughter left for college I moved out... way out.

For what it's worth all those feelings of it not "being great" right now will fade. I felt like shit for what seemed like a long time, of course I'd been married 25 years... so???

As for reading Plan9's advice... your mileage may vary.

First step is the hardest, you've taken it already. So, best wishes and know that many have been there before you and have survived, even thrived.