Settle With or Dump the girl that I don't love?
 

[I apologize ahead of time for the long post, I have a problem with going into too much detail sometimes. Not for the faint of heart.]

In early November, I messaged this one girl on a dating site who only had one picture up that was hard to tell if she was cute or not. As I read her profile, she seemed a lot like myself in that she is shy, not too adventurous, a short, petite girl (the guy version of me), and more of a goofy person when she opens up, so I thought that maybe I'd get to be with someone who would understand me and accept me as what I feel am not a normal guy.

Backstory on myself:. If you've read my other thread about a year ago, you'd remember that I'm not a very confident man, I don't feel attractive at all (mostly because of short height), and I just don't feel normal. I'm averagely intelligent, but I'm not a fast-thinker so I seem pretty dumb and dull. And with that, you'd remember that I was in a long distance relationship with a girl for a year, my first and only girlfriend, who dumped me after a few days in person (mostly because our relationship was rocky).

Continuing on, this girl asked me if I wanted to meet her at her church in November. Note that I'm somewhat agnostic and said I was a Christian to her because she was looking for a "good-Christian man". I felt, maybe I can be converted, since Christianity was once a big part of my family.

Trying to make a long story short, we've met about 12 times so far. She's very enjoyable to hang out with, she's kind of like a kid in many ways which in turn doesn't make me feel intimidated, like most women do to me. She's like a good friend, which I don't have any that are within a 3 hour drive.

Those are the goods. Here are the bads:

1). Attraction: I'm not really attracted to her... She barely falls into the kinda cute category in my eyes. Her face is kind of weird looking to me, and her body doesn't really make up for it. I feel I'm not the most picky guy when it comes to choosing a girl to be with. There are many girls I've thought, "I wouldn't mind being with her" and my friends would be like, "I'll pass". But, I don't feel hardly any attraction to her.. When her and I went to the beach, and I seen many women in swimsuits and stuff, I was thinking, "(I don't even want to see this girl in a swimsuit or bikini...)" It's like, it'd be impossible for her to be sexy in any way, even if she dressed up as a french maid or something. I like a girl who can at least "feel" sexy. :\
My ex was very attractive to me, and probably very attractive to the majority of guys.

2). Money: She spends waaay too much of my money. Not only is it an hour and 15 min. drive, ($12 in gas there and back), I always end up having to pay for our lunches and/or dinners, which costs anywhere from $10 to $30 + tip if it's a restaurant. Then I get the, "Awww, thank you! *shoulder hug*". I make $10 an hour, working part time because of full-time college, I can't afford her. Does dating really cost this much? I expect it the first few times, but for 3 months, I'd expect her to maybe help me out a bit. On top of that, EVERY time we meet up, we always end up going to somewhere in which I'll have to buy something either for us or something she recommends me: Uno ($5), Kite ($4), Fishing License ($20), Bible ($30!), A manga book ($12), Stupid Japanese Soda (2 * $1.50), etc etc etc.
My ex and I didn't do anything that cost us money, we just chilled, and she always insisted on buying her own food or buying mine and hers.

3) Religion: I really like going to the church we go to, it's very "hip". They have a live rock band, and the pastor is really funny but stays on topic for the most part, like, he showed a picture of what he'll look like in heaven (all muscular, with his exact face). I've never thought I could enjoy church, but I do at this one. With that said, I don't see myself ever becoming a "serious" Christian. I don't like it that they think that even if you're a good person, you're still going to hell if you don't accept Jesus into your life or if you doubt his existence. I guess because then my family is going to hell no matter how good they are, so I don't want to think about that. It just feels too much like a cult. I don't have anything against Christians, I think most are good people (and I've actually always tried to go after Christian girls because they seem like they have better morals and are more committed). But when she laughs at the stupid Biblical jokes, I don't laugh and I think she's nuts, yet she's practically rolling on the floor laughing and looks at me to make sure I'm (fake) laughing too.
My ex is a Catholic but we never talked about religion really. Heck, she barely went to church ever.

4). Embarrassment: I'm not easily embarrassed, at all, but this girl can work wonders on it. She says "Lol" or "win" after every sentence, she dances with her hands in public too much, and I don't really like to be seen with her as a couple. :\
My ex was/is a slut. Unrelated to the topic.

5) Don't want to communicate: I really don't want to talk/text this girl when we're not together. I don't have that "urge" to see what she's up to, how her day was, that kinda stuff.
With my ex, we couldn't NOT text each other every day. She always wanted to chat with me, and I absolutely loved chatting with her, getting to know her, how she was doing, etc. I did it without coming off as "needy", in that we'd take turns letting each other start up the conversation each day. Was amazingly awesome and it felt so good.

6) Sexuality: She doesn't seemed to be interested in sexual stuff. I knew going into this that she wasn't "easy". When we were on her couch, when her bro and mom left, I made a sexual joke that went something like, "Now that they're gone, maybe we could mess around a little. ;)". I was kind of being serious but said it somewhat jokingly just in case she wasn't into that. She gave me the weirdest look I've ever gotten in my life, and we just continued playing Uno.
My ex was always turned on by something I did. She'd even like, finger herself while we were texting and stuff... And she'd let me play with her boobs whenever I wanted! And she loved to be touched, anywhere, and I liked being able to like, put my hand on her leg and know that it turns her on. She loved to make out and of course, liked sex a lot (although we only did it 3 times. :\ ).

The worst part about all of that, 1-6, is that if I were really attracted to her, I wouldn't mind 2-5. (I'd still do 6 with her, haha). I wouldn't mind spending that money on her, I wouldn't mind that she's very religious and has her own views, and I wouldn't care if she was embarrassing because let's face it, being with an attractive girl cancels out anything that could be embarrassing. In other words, I would really like this girl if I were attracted to her. And my ex was just awesome in like, every regard (other than the sluttyness), we had everything in common, had the same views, and she was gorgeous. So I went from great to not-so-great. But I guess my ex wasn't so great if she had left me, ha.


So I feel I have a few options:

Option 1 -- Just friends: This is my biggest fear. The thing I fear the most is breaking this girl's heart. I know that she really, really likes me. If anything, she may even be in love with me. I actually met her mom and brother last weekend, when before she seemed to be hiding me from them (which was fine). Halfway through the week, every week, she'd text me saying she can't wait to see me. But I don't feel the same. But I also do NOT want her to go through the pain I went through when my ex didn't want me anymore. It is the worst feeling I've ever had, and it still hurts me to this day (5 months later). I cannot do this to her... :( And I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want to be friends if I did.

Option 2 -- Settle with her: I'm very afraid that if I turn her down, I could end up being alone forever. I took me 24 years to get my first girlfriend and my first kiss, and the time we spent together was LESS than the time I've spent total with this new girl, IN THE FIRST TWO DAYS WE MET. I cannot go another 25 years alone, I'd just kill myself. But then again, I'm not confident enough to really approach women out of the blue, so I feel I will have to play the waiting game and wait for a girl to come into my life, because on the three dating sites I'm at, all of the very few girls that are interested in me I don't find attractive (No offense to them, but I'm just not into girls who weigh 50+ more pounds than I do... Really, no offense to them, it's just not for me, and I know there are guys out there that dig them type of women.) Anyways, I'm not sure if maybe with more time I'll end up falling in love with her?

So, I don't know what to do really... I want to make this decision very soon, because the more time that goes by, if I choose option 1 it'll just make it harder on her. And if I did choose option 1, I wouldn't know the easiest way to do it... But I don't know if I should choose option 2 and potentially find real love and happiness with her...

Comments and thoughts on anything is greatly appreciated. I respect this community's opinions very highly.

Dude, ditch this walking cartoon / train wreck and develop yourself so you can better find a partner that meets your needs.

First off... you're using her like a life preserver... she's all you've got so you hang on. That's way unhealthy, bro.

You need to have friends, hobbies, and Pullups (TM) I-Did-It-Myself moments in your life before you can find someone.

Enough of this I wanna find The One stuff and go find Ms. Lasts-A-Year. Life is too short to be that scared or that picky.

You seem to be big into religion. Turns out a church and its related functions are totally the place to meet girls into religion.

There are Christian dating sites on the web if you're too shy to face-to-face that Jesus-lovin' hottie in the provocative cardigan.

If you need help with navigating dating sites or creating a profile, I've pretty much hit 'em all. I like the ability to multitask.

...

Point is: Relationships are all about the raw material of each partner. She doesn't appear to have anything good for you two to mold into a Happily Ever After. She spends money on superfluous shit ($30 Bible? Gefuck'd!), she embarrasses you with her constant ZOMG! talk, she's about as sexual as a pet rock, conversation seems to be nil and you aren't even physically attracted to her. Do the math. You might not like where you are when you ditch her, but you'll be glad when you find the next girl. Your path to success starts with you building you and setting out for a fellow adventurer, not a couch anchor.

...

Protip: 90% of people that are obsessed Manga are garbage.

Okay, having been there (as I'd say most men in their mid 20s has) you need to dump her. You know what you need to do, and you're really being a coward by letting it drag on. She's not what you want, in any shape or form. The only reason you'd even deign to 'settle' with her is because you're afraid of being alone.


And I can tell you that it's better to be alone then to live a life trying to pretend to like someone you don't.

And I don't care if you look like Hannibal Lector, you will find other women are interested in you.

What Plan9 said.

Also, dude: comparisons. Notice that you're making them. Notice that you're making them point by point. Even when there's no comparison to make, you can't hold back from making one even though it makes no sense. I know to you that was just a joke, but it speaks to the framework of the whole thing in your mind.

So then, the next girl will be either better or worse than the last girl. You know what she can't ever be, if she's always a comparison? She can't ever just be this girl. She's stuck being some comparison against the last girl. And no woman EVER wants to be compared (even favorably) against the last girl. She wants to be appreciated for WHO SHE IS, not for being free of the flaws the last one had.

This doesn't sound like the right woman for you. Onward!

It's better to be alone than to be with someone you don't love. At least when you're alone, you can be honest with yourself. Pretending to have something you don't, or even waiting for something that likely won't happen, will do a number on you over time.

And when you're alone, you've more available to those you meet who you just might rather be with.

Do the both of you a favour: end it.

Sigh....

Dump her. As much for her sake as yours. Why make her unhappy and lead her on needlessly. If you can't do it in person, read these reasons over the phone - although I'd edit out the stuff about the ex.

Dude, you need some confidence. Go do something really cool - shoot something, bungee jump, throw lawnchairs at passing cars, whatever passes for cool in your neck of the woods. This.....this is just unfair to both of you.

Rat, it's easy to make comparisons when your partner body count looks like a peace sign.

Said syndrome dies when you run out of fingers. Goal: Up the body count so you stop comparing.

* requires investment in competent attorney, not recommended in NC

Huh. I've had girls that wanted to be better than the last one. They made it an issue to know the bar so they could raise it.

Probably unhealthy, but I didn't complain. A man should never make an issue of free food or kinky sex.

Well... That's one approach. And possibly the one I'd recommend for our friend here. Problem is, they'll just be bodies until he gets-thefuck-over Ms. Ex-lady.

Is this another thread? Male regret? I can see it now: "Did I really stay with Susie McSlobbins for mediocre suckin's?"

That's the idea, no? Variety is both the spice of life and the key to losing your serial killer-esque fixation on an old lover.

I had one boring, good conversationalist girlfriend with a smoking body and no sex drive.
I had one fun, bad conversationalist girlfriend with a good body and amazing sex drive.
I had one crazy, okay conversationalist girlfriend with a scrappy body and insane sex drive.

The point? I don't compare girls anymore because I've seen how the strengths and weaknesses play out to the point that there is no magic.

We're all just pieces of meet that bump together in the dark. We can speed up the process or slow it down, but it's largely random.

Can I get the Cliff's Notes version of this?

Imagine a train wreck. Imagine a man walking away from it as the lone survivor.

So that horrid movie "Unbreakable"?

Kinda. The guy is still finding himself and the train was actually a very large woman.

Does that mean you're played by Samuel L. Jackson, Plan9?

And:

I didn't even read the OP entirely, I'll admit it, because the answer is in the thread title. If you don't love her--dump her! DUH.

Sorry to bust in during all the fun. :D

Well, it seems the general consensus is that I should end it with her, so I guess I'll go with that and manage to be alone until whenever, which will probably be for the best...

About comparisons, it's not something that is a determining factor for me. My favorite theme park that I've been to is Busche Gardens, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy going to Universal's Island of Adventures, nor does it mean that I need to keep on going to theme parks that are as good as or better than Busche Gardens. I'm fine with just going to any theme park that gives me some sort of enjoyment. :)

Although, some of the replies have made me feel like I'm selfish... I really didn't intend to lead her on or anything and waste her time, I kept seeing her because I wanted to learn more about her and see if things felt differently the more I got to know her personality. That last thing I wanted to do is to intentionally hurt her and use her...

With that said, now I have to find a way to break the news to her as easily (on her) as possible. I suppose it'd be best if I did the George Costanza "It's not you, it's me..." routine. I don't want to make her feel like she sucks as a potential partner for a man. Then again, I don't want to make myself look like an asshole which would lead her to feel tricked. By doing this, I'm not so much worried about me, but worried about her.

Side response to other replies:

I admit that I do need friends. They are hard for me to come by... Just like with women, it's hard for me to approach people in general for the first time and strike up an interesting conversation, one that will get them to say "I think I'd like to get to know this guy more.) Hobbies are hard due to work and school; I looked into Martial Arts the other day, but unfortunately every place I've looked at had classes only on the weekdays, in which I have work and school (9am-10PM, cept Friday). I am in a band, which is my favorite hobby, but we are in the brinks of breaking up due to their wives bitching about how much time they don't spend with them. As for exercise, I was doing P90x workout program for 2 months, but I stopped when school started again, because I literally have no time for a daily exercise routine anymore. But I could cut it down to using the pull-bar and weights for a few minutes everyday. I think I'll do that. The thing I liked about this girl was that she understood that I'm a very busy person, and that she'd have to wait until the weekend to be able to see me. I'm sure it's not easy getting a girlfriend who won't mind not being able to see you more than 3 times a week.

Dump her.

And next time, don't put so much pressure on your relationships. Last time around, you were wondering if the girl would be the one and only forever and ever even before you met her. This time, you want this girl to top the last girl in everything. It's too much pressure to expect the girl to make up for everything your life lacks from the very start.

However ugly you believe her to be, you don't deserve her.

Work on having something to offer.

Damn dude, I didn't know you had a grudge against me. For the record, I said "I'm not attracted to her." I'm not saying she's ugly in general; I'm sure there are guys that may like her physically. I wouldn't get a dachshund, but other people love them, it's just not for me. Like I said in my previous reply, I did not intend to hurt her, and I did not intend as just using her for practice.

And I do have something to offer, at least in her eyes, or else she wouldn't like me so much, no? And I have something to offer in general to women; when I find the right one (not to be confused with "the one", which I'm not after), I will offer her my faithfulness and commitment to her. And I'm sure I'll eventually have a good career, so I can offer us security, and if that falls through I have many backups as to how to keep us afloat.

Rent The Tao of Steve, if for no other reason than its an awesome movie.

I've always been a fan of the philosophy that if you build it they will come when it comes to romance. Build your life up. I'm not suggesting you aren't successful, just that you might aim to just keep improving and enjoying yourself even if you're already badass. As a result, for many, I think the girls show up.

As an example, my brother in law, joined the military right out of school. He met a girl in transit to first duty station and married her within weeks. She anally plundered him for all his happiness and money while he was in Korea not a year down the road. They divorced, and he married another little girl within a year. Things aren't going well. Moral: you must build a foundation upon which to set your relationship. Unfortunately we are driven to solve a problem right now, as if it is a problem not to be in a relationship. I suspect a relationship is much more enjoyable if not labored over so much.

My credibility here is nil; I have been married since the week after my high school graduation. BTW, turns out that causes a lot of regrets about not getting a lot of(any) teenage pussy. Anyway, I love my wife and we are happily married for nearly 10 years. I can tell you though that my wife and I see eye to eye on all of your con points above. If she fell short in any of those regards in my eyes, I wouldn't want to be with her for a minute. The beauty of this relationship is that we... well I don't have any of those questions about her and I hope she doesn't of me. A relationship is something to enjoy not deplore.

I think the truth is that if you are an average joe, there isn't a thing you can do to control the universe. You can only try and manipulate it in subtle ways. In this case, building your footing and most importantly get over the whole not able to talk to girls thing. We'll all be dead tomorrow; pick one you adore in the meantime.

Also, it looks like you feel like you're getting beat up here for being harsh about this girl. Its bull, you were honest and humble at the same time. It was clear to me that you have the best intentions.

That's cause you are being selfish. Relationships require both selflessness and selfishness. If you were selfless, you'd torture yourself and continue the relationship. But you're unsatisfied, so break it off and try again.

Do it sooner than later, my ex "changed" and decided to not tell me for over 1 year. I broke it off, because he was beyond distant, he was evasive. And when I found out it had been that long, I told him I never wanted to speak to him again. He lied. He didn't want to hurt me, but he lied. I felt used and furious for using my money and emotions on him for an extra year. And the moron still wants to be best buddies... hah! So I beg you, please be completely honest and end it quickly. And don't give her the option of being friends after, just make a complete clean break.

move on. why waste your time and hers?

When will we learn that lying to ourselves about what we want, and lying to others about who we are doesn't build good relationships?

You don't have to want a good one, just admit it.

Or if you really do, you might need to think about why you feel you have to lie to get one, and work on that instead. You'll be much happier, and the other thing will work itself out by proxy. :)

In reality, you have been on very few dates. It's not a bad time to move on. I wouldn't say that you have led her on senselessly. But, now that you've been through the necessary personal hmm-ing and haw-ing, it would be the best time to say goodbye.

My Thoughts On Her:
When a woman says they want a good Christian man, they often mean a man who will understand their desire to abstain from sex until marriage. This would be one explanation for her disinterest in the matter. She doesn't seem to notice you're shelling out a sizeable chunk of change to spend time with her. She thinks she's worth "that much." Maybe another woman will be, but this one is not. Based on what you have written about her in this thread, it sounds like she's clinging to a prepubescent mentality. She needs to mature before she is ready for a true, lasting relationship.

My thoughts about You:
You have the option of sticking with her and hoping she matures to the level you hope, learning to love her along the way. Or you can choose to cut your losses now and move on. It's your choice. Expect some amount of drama and heartache over the breakup - for yourself and for her.

My thoughts on both of you:
In any case, it seems you have both learned a lot from the relationship. You've learned that someone's interest in religion isn't necessarily going to cross them off your list. You've also learned that some women don't bother with financial accountability. You've learned to interact comfortably on a more-than-social level with a woman other than your ex. I wouldn't call it a waste of time.

dude..join a chess club, it'd probably get you laid a lot quicker...and chess's a slow thinking game, so a 5-10 minute lag between moves is normal part of the game sometimes. you could get laid in that time if you're lucky.

seriously though, dump her. if you cant spend 500 bucks on her in 3 months ( an estimate based on your numbers) without feeling bad, you shouldnt be with her. besides, id have thought as a christain she'd have her own Bible! if i was single and someone bought me a Quran, i'd find that lame, then weird.

and for the record, once you do get #6 from her, you wont put up with the 1-5 stuff. so do it now before its too late.

dont take any of this advice as TFP being harsh on you, most people here would find it a no brainer that you'd dump her before you ruined your life and hers.

Most Christians I know have more than one bible in the house - heck, I'm an atheist and there are 2 bibles in my office (comes from marrying a Christian!!).

For the OP - I'm with the majority here - end it. The quicker you do it, the easier it is on both of you. And be honest about it - that "its not you, its me..." crap doesn't get you anywhere.

End it with her. Sit her down and explain that YOU made a mistake going onto a relationship so fast after the fiasco with your ex.

After this start meeting people. Mirth, how many times have you contributed to this website besides being all emo about how little self esteem you have and how average you are and woe is me this, woe is me that! You are fuckin' selfish dude! How dare you go into a relationship with some one you don't find attractive? I'm socially retarded and even *I* know that's wrong!

I have half a very cynic mind to think that you intentionally used her as an emotional punching bag. If you went so far as two dates with this girl and found nothing of value why did you not drop it altogether? Unless you wanted to be the dumper instead of the dumpee can you think of any other reason?

You complain of the inability to connect with many people. How do you think you will find a soul mate with no effort to remedy your excess introverted behavior? Getting a girlfriend requires you to be able to start conversations. Stick around if not here then any other forums and LEARN HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE. Contribute more and make it a habit like smoking. Hopefully it will manifest into a compulsion to meet more people.

Worst case scenario you become a worse recluse and develop an internet addiction.

Looks like I'm going to be doing a lot of replying to most. Here it goes!:


That was a very wonderful post and I enjoyed it. And you hit the nail on the head, I want to get straight to the answer of what I feel my problem is, but I do need to work on myself first, even if it means not rushing things. As long as I don't sit back and just watch though.



Eek, I'm sorry to hear about what happened. I made this thread because the last thing I wanted to do was lead her on any longer, even if that meant me not getting the chance to spend more time with her and figure out if my heart would change.

That really sucks you feel I should make a clean break... I'd still like to be her friend, and although I don't think she'll want to, I hope she does.



I'd actually never learned that before, up until now. I wasn't sure if I was lying to myself or if I was supposed to wait for things to just fall into place. :( I guess I know now.


I really like this post, it's sweet. :) I initially thought the "Christian man" thing was just something that meant, someone who is not a playa, and someone who is kind and polite. Which I thought I was. But the no sex till marriage thing did cross my mind a few times. Actually, the first reply I got back from her towards my first message was, "Take note that I don't do one night stands.", and that was it, haha. And my first message had nothing to do with sex. I still have no clue why she did that, haha.

But yeah, I don't think I should stay with her. I'll do anything in my power to not hurt her anymore than she already be when I break the news (minus staying with her and having me be unhappy forever...), so I guess the sooner, the better.



Haha, I do like chess actually. :D

See, I'm not sure if it's normal to spend the amount I did on her, on another woman. Being as this is the first girl I ever really "dated", I don't like the amount I was spending, but I don't know if that it is a normal amount or not because none of my friends have ever told me how much they spent on dating. All I know is that I don't like spending "that" much. But that's coming from a guy who's good with managing his money (I have no debts or loans, no car payments, and don't buy all the latest gizmos)

Oh, and I worded the Bible part wrong. She has her own bible, the bible I bought was for me, but, she insisted on getting one that had both the old and new testaments, and one that was small. Which narrowed it down to $25-$50 ones at the churches store. If it were my choice, I would have eBayed one for $5. :D

And I feel only Manic_Skafe was being harsh on me. The others have been very helpful. :)


I really don't have much to contribute. I think I posted a reply about laptops or something once, but otherwise, everyone here is generally smarter than me or more experienced than me. It's like wikipedia to me, I don't know how so many people have all that info in there, and I don't think I could add anything into wikipedia that wasn't in there already.

I know I may seem emo and/or selfish for this thread and my previous threads, but this is the only part of life I can't seem to understand or figure out... It's hard for me to make friends or girlfriends. But other than that, I'd say my life is pretty good. It's just that having friends is really important to me, and having a real girlfriend is something I'm very curious to learning about, and I miss being loved. Other than that, I'm a very unselfish person for the most part. If someone's car is broke down on the side of the road, I'll help them out. I always hold doors for people. I always handsomely tip my waitresses and barbers. If there's anyone that is in need of help and I know that I'm capable of helping, I usually never hesitate. (I guess you can say it is selfish though, because these things make me feel good.)

And I do a lotttt of talking on the internet. I have 13,000+ posts on one other forum alone, and I instant message with a lot of internet buddies. I feel texting, e-mailing, and even instant messaging is much different than talking with someone in person or on the phone, mostly because, like I said before I'm a slow thinker. The internet chatting gives me any amount of time I need to think about what I want to say, while the other methods are more real-time, and I just can't do that. I'm just a really slow thinker. :(

And the only reason why I don't casually post here is because I'm too intimidated, and as I mentioned before, I don't have any real-world experience that another, wiser user couldn't post.

Yeah I have to agree with the consensus here, dump her. It can be very easy to fall into the habit of being with somebody but it sounds like nobody is really gaining anything from this relationship. I know sometimes it can be tough meeting new people but trust me its much worse staying a relationship you don't really want to be in, honestly at some point the fallout will probably be catastrophic if you wait to long.

If you have a hard time meeting girls in person why not try an online dating site? You could break the ice chatting or through email and such by the time you'd meet her in person all the hard stuff will be out of the way.

Best of luck :)

What the hell kinds of chess clubs have you been playing in?

There's a bad porno in there somewhere.

Exactly! I think (wait, i KNOW) I would be more hurt to find out later on that this whole time the guy that I was or could fall in love with hasn't even been remotely interested in me at all. Wanna to talk about embarrassment? Think of how she'll feel when you decide your done with her 5 maybe 10 years from now. dude, listen to your fellow TFP'ers when we say,... dump her!!

Depends... how big is your bishop?

If you do not love her you must leave her period. For your sake and for hers.

Ok there isn't really a scenario here where you will "learn to love" her.

1. Your relationship is based on a lie, you misrepresented yourself.
2. Your relationship is being compared to your ex every step of the way. get over her first.
3. You guys don't even have enough in common to be friends if you ask me.
4. The longer you drag this out, the more drama you'll get from it.

I think you need to man up, call her up and tell her it's not working out for you.


You only live once, make the most of your time seeking someone who's right for you, improve your confidence however necessary, be it a gym or becoming an mtv guido, who cares? learn to masturbate more I guess. Stop ignoring your friends.

I only say stop ignoring your friends because I think if you're this prone to emotionally latch on to the only girl in your life showing you any kind of attention from miles and miles away and you're shelling out the cash for it (you'd probably get more satisfaction from a lapdance for the money, same end result) It just makes me think that you haven't been bonding with your friends enough and you're seeking your emotional ties in this trainwreck of a situation you've created for yourself.

bah, you know what to do.

dump her, life is too short to be with someone you don't love. But do it now before she gets anymore attached. Its unfair to her to be in a relationship that is all one sided.

My reply is coming from the point of view of the person that was settled for. At least that is how it feels 15 years later and he says he has been unhappy for more than 1/2 of that. He stayed with me until he found someone else, that much is obvious. It makes me feel like my life was a lie. Don't settle. It hurts in the long run.

You must leave ASAP. I went thru this and it was just wasted time, time you will never get back.

Yeah, I'm 99.9% sure I'm going to let her go by this weekend. Just writing some stuff down on how I'm going to break the news to her. This is the hardest thing I've ever done.

Am I the only one who thinks the "dumpee" is going to be better off being rid of the "dumper" in this case?

A grudge against you? You've started the same thread multiples times obviously refusing the advice offered and this time around you're judgmental enough to compare women like pizzas and I'm the mean one? Get real.

The straight dope is that your perspective is all kinds of fucked up and nothing will sort it out but life experience and long bouts of introspective thought.

Others may sugar coat it but my last post was based upon this thread and all of the threads you've posted before it - if you actually want out of these shit situations then grow a set, take some personal responsibility for your happiness and make your life better.

Blah.

That's my point exactly.

Manic, you've got to teach me that trick of getting people to think that you're being overly harsh when you're not. I thought I was much harsher than you were (although I manage to stay away from suggesting mass murder this time), but you're the one who gets singled out. And that would go so far in elevating my reputation as an unfeeling lout.

And highthief - now there's at least 3 of us who think that.

Mirth - none of us has anything against you, but there are times when you seem to need to be reminded that you're an adult and are responsible for your own actions. You also have a pretty skewed view of women and relationships based on your point-by-point disection of the two you've been a part of. Do you do that with your friends?

[sigh] Here's my last piece of advice: you seem to enjoy going to this church and enjoy what it has to offer. That's good. You've identified something that you like to do. If you can't go to the same church because you've dumped this girl (which seems silly but whatever), then find one that's similar - explain the situation to the minister and get his recommendations if you need to. Go do young adult bible study or join their softball team (who cares if you're any good - it's a church softball team, not the *insert team name here*). Get to know people. Make friends.

Then again, I think Manic_Skafe and I are going to syncronise watches for your next thread with some variation of this problem. Skafe, what do you think? 4 months?

I dunno, bro... this girl sounds like a bipedal dump-on-me sitcom. Mirth doesn't strike me as the next lead on a Win-A-Hunk reality show, but catering to what smells like a life leech with XXs is all bad.

Maybe it was his sinister facial hair.

I'd like to hope he fares better the next time around but it always reminds me, just like a lot of these threads do, of a point Cyn made about a year or two ago about young people in the work place (and in the world in general) always expecting special treatment and continual acknowledgment of their every accomplishment as if they world owes them anything more than those before them. I don't count myself as exempt from the same quality but damn if it only weren't so easy to spot.

Tell that to Locks of Love.

Heh, I don't do that with my friends, I guess because throughout my lifetime I grew up having friends. I've had 2 female friends in my entire lifetime, and one is my best friend's fiance, so I never really hang out with her one-on-one. And besides, she admits that she's just like "one of the guys", which she seems to be true, she's very non-girly. And the 2nd female friend I've ever had was this current girl.

With that said, that's why I feel I seem to be doing the point-by-point dissection, as you call it. Take this analogy, which would end up being true for most. You learn only English your whole life, and then you finally end up learning a new language in your teens (for school) or later on your own out of curiosity. When you first start learning the new language, you always compare and translate the words for example, "trabajo" = "work", "si" = "yes", "perro" = "dog". If someone is speaking to you in the new language, using the words you know, you translate each word to understand the sentence. Then, when you spend a lot of time with the new language, you stop "dissecting" every word in the sentence and just see it as a new language and not a Language-to-English translation process. It just flows naturally.

For me, women are kind of like that. I don't understand them yet. I don't understand the differences of our "languages". There have been a few times where I'd make a quick joke in front of a woman and they are like "ha...", yet my friends would be laughing like hell. I want to be natural with women, I want to see them as just people with the same things in common as me, but so far I haven't felt that way, and I'm trying to learn this 'new language' from the beginning.

Anyways, thanks for the church advice. They have the same church but on a different campus that is closer to me, so I may look into that. I actually have an "events" pamphlet from them, so I'll look at that after work and see if they have anything interesting.


Anyways, I'm saddened that many of you think that she's better off without me... Makes me feel like I'm not good enough for pretty much any woman that doesn't have some sort of mental retardation...

[facepalm]

Wow, Mirth. You just don't get it, do you?

Women are kind of like humans. You know, people. They have motivations for everything they do. Whether or not they make sense *TO YOU* at the time is immaterial. Those decisions generally make sense to the decision-maker. There's not much more to understand.

Don't place all women (or all women you find attractive) on a pedistal. It's the worst thing a guy like you can do. The reason so many of us are reacting this way towards your posts is that you're missing something very basic - that, at a very fundamental level, women are exactly like men. Variations come with more complexity, but women are people who have boobs (and assorted other bits). Figure out how to deal with people and the rest sort of flows from there.

Maybe you should make it clear to this girl that you really enjoy hanging out with her and value her as a friend but that you don't see anything romantic in your mutual future. If she agrees, perhaps you have a female friend to hang with. If she doesn't agree, then you need to cut ties, because THEN you are leading her along. And that's when you'll get folks really riled up.

Oh for fucks sake. I mean, I can't not reply to this any longer.

Damn, J. You're talking about the same shit you've been talking about for years, except now that you've had two girlfriend experiences, it doesn't seem like you've learned anything at all.

There is no new language. There is no culture shock. The woman either gets you or she doesn't. If she doesn't - move the fuck on. A woman is not a different species nor some kind of exotic new element (well, maybe she is to you). Just like with any other new person, you just explore each others personalities and go from there. If there is no click, then you pack your bags and move on.

How about you make a decision yourself next time? Pretty much any decision you've had to make regarding relationships whether with another male or female, you had to seek advice. Get a few bruises. It won't kill you and you will learn something. Maybe.

This is really good advice, an option I hadn't considered.

If this continues on any longer. My head is going to explode.

Now you know how I feel.

I had no idea that this is a regular occurrence with Mirth. This is the first time I ever read one of his posts.

Like an irregular period. You know it's supposed to come, but you just don't know when. Then when it does, you do a facepalm and exclaim "WHY ME!?"

Or something along those lines.

HA!

Yes. She is better off without you. I'm not taking a shot at you and no one else was/is either. You are a mess as it is and you definitely do not belong in any form of romantic relationship.

Good things will come to those who wait and exercising patience as well as an open mind is the best way to get there.

Something about women, they are just like everyone else. You know your buddy, the dude you hang around with everyday, drinking and playing Tekken all night? You know disturbing facts about him like what his farts smell like after he eats TacoBell and that he can gun down entire armies for a double cheese burger? Well, turns out if you hang out with a chick long enough you'll know these things about them too. As far as them making sense ... thats never gonna happen. No one on this earth makes sense besides me. Your all freaks.

Women are driven by the same things men are and getting them to like you means liking yourself. Being confident doesn't mean being content as a slob. It means you have the drive to keep your shit together. Women like that you can handle yourself. You, Mirth on the other hand, I feel your being very passive aggressive, obsessive, clingy and downright unpleasant to hang around with. You need to just chill out and get a hobby. Something you can talk about for hours on end.

You worded what I wanted to say in an understanding manner without profanity. I salute you.

Also, it's "You're all freaks"

</gammar nazi>

Also, this thread is getting out of hand. If Mirth addressed you then by all means respond but this thread is not about you so an opinion taking shots is unwarranted. One liners such as this ...

Are excellent! Concise. Advice asked and advice given. Where as this on the other hand ...

Adds NOTHING to the convo besides a bad taste in the mouth.

---------- Post added at 11:37 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:34 AM ----------

I still judge you.

It's a strangely uncomfortable moment in TFP history when Xerx offers sensible advice.

This thread ended on post #6. Everything else is just fluff and fart jokes.

Oh, please. Mirth knows I love him dearly.

Martian, i cant believe that you think my chess advice is fluff. im going to stop attending the same church/mosque as you one day

In defense of myself, I have to say something about how a few of you think that I haven't learned from my past threads. I have to disagree. I do admit that in my previous threads, I would come for advice but in the end I would generally not take it, because I didn't want things to be that way, I wanted things to work themselves out... My mind gets clouded when things like these come up, and with the inexperience I have, I just get lost... I have tons of questions every day that I wonder about that I "could" ask on here, but I figure them out myself, so it's not like I post on here every 5 seconds asking random questions; just the ones I really need help with and are life threatening.

But I have learned when they didn't work out, you guys/gals were always right, like 100% of the time. And in realizing that, I "will" take the advice this time. Of course I "want" to be able to fall in love with this girl, but you guys have made a good point in everything that is wrong with it, and I see that now, so I will be taking the advice.

I'm sorry that I upset some of you that I don't think normally... But I'm taking in every piece of advice I'm reading in this thread (like The Jazz's, LoganSnake's, Xerxys' women advice) and trying to implement it into my thinking.


Nuh-uh, you said you'd unblock me on AIM the day I got and met a girlfriend. :(

Shhh. People around here seem to think I'm an okay guy.

Don't blow my cover.

I don't. But you know that.

Tough love, perhaps? That's pretty common around here.

I concur with your comment about always getting good advice from the people here on the TFP. Sometimes the advice is contradictory, but in cases like this, everyone seems to come to a consensus.

Note that many people chose to respond - far more responses than the average thread. Some responded in a harsh way, but that happens sometimes. Overall they were attempting to be respectful, even if it is in a way I don't fully understand. You're definitely not the first to face this kind of a problem on this board, and will not be the last. This thread has generated a lot of activity and interest. Remember that when you consider starting another.

And you know that the feeling is mutual.

Repetition or blunt force trauma. Ask Plan9 about it.

Mirth, the important thing here isn't that you follow what we tell you. You can't have your love life directed by committee. The important thing is that you understand what you're doing wrong, and learn from it.

Yeah, she's better off. You are/were committing the ultimate dick move. You weren't really interested in this girl but were keeping her around because you figured it was better than nothing.

You say you're willing to listen. Great. Now, prove it.

I'm trying to prove I'm listening. As far as "getting out", I went to the movies tonight. I almost talked to a girl behind the ticket selling window at the movie theaters. She was doing homework, then I came up to buy my ticket, which I did, and I was about to say, "How's that homework comin'?" and then smile, cause I always smile after stupid stuff like that. Anyways, I didn't say that, but I was realllly close this time! Next time I will!

Also, I was sitting on the bench outside the mall/movies, cause I got there early and I wanted to test out just being around other people, as a start, just to get used to the feeling. They were all pretty much high schoolers. This really tall guy sat next to me while talking to the group. He later introduced himself, "Hey man. *Shakes hand-thingy* Little John." I was like, "Oh snap, I'm Little John too!" and we got excited, haha. Then he asked my age and I was like, "25 believe it or not" and he's like, "No way! Stand up!" and I did, and he stood up next to me, and I overheard the group of girls say in a quiet voice, "He's sooo little!". Normally I'd kinda get upset on the inside, but I just laughed it off. I was about to say, "I'm not little laying down", which I think is a joke about having a big johnson (which would be mostly a lie), but I didn't make the joke. Wasn't prepared yet for that part in my training.

So, I kinda got out there and attempted to be normal. Minus the going to the movies by yourself part.

I went into the bookstore in the mall too, that's closing down and has 60%-80% everything off. They had a lot of manga books left, which made me a little sad because that girl is reallllly into manga (not my thing, really) and I would have loved to see if there were any she wanted me to pick up for her. I would do something like that for a friend. But it may be too late now.

Also, as a side question... Would something like a marijuana-joint help me ease up my shyness and intimidation? One of my online buddies who smokes it says that it totally made him see the world in a different perspective ever since the first time he did it. Not sure if something like that would help me. I know having a few drinks eases me up, but I can't really drive to places then.

Edit: If anyone here lives in Florida and can personally help me too, I'd do it!

Stay with her. It's better to be with somebody than alone. Obsess over her. Constantly make sexual advances, she will give in. Tell her your penis tastes like almond joys. Molest her cat. Date her mom. Pal around with her dad. Ask for her to cut the crusts off your bread.

Good thing you never made the "lying down joke". When talking to people, NEVER make sex jokes unless you are VERY comfortable with them and by VERY I mean hanging around them for like, I dunno, maybe 30 years? Sex jokes make people feel weirded out, awkward and uncomfortable. Laughing it off was as good as saying you compensate with your personality but no harm done there.

OMFG Well DUH!! It's Marijuana, any perspective is is skewed when drugs are involved. DON'T DO IT! It's illegal. Don't be dumb. Don't develop a dependency when you can't depend on your own self.

Smoke pot. Drink alot. This is key. It's easy to find girlfriends in bars.

Why stop at marijuana? While you're at it, mix some of that pot with crack cocaine and salvia, pop a few ecstasy pills, shoot some black tar heroin and wash it all down with a bottle of Jack Daniels.

This made me laugh when I read it. But now that I have read this whole thread, it makes me feel bad. Mostly because you're fear of being alone is causing you to stay with someone who even you deem as embarrassing. No offense, but you have a very low opinion of yourself and yet you have a lower opinion of this girl. Why are you wasting her time? If you stay with her, you'll break up eventually and just imagine that shit storm. You'll probably grow to resent her and then you'll throw it in her face that you never loved her. If you truly don't want to hurt her, you'll end it.

I'm not sure how you personally should get to know/love yourself(which is incredibly gay) but I think it starts with realizing that everyone is fucking weird. It's not just you, so no one should make you nervous. The world's a stage, figure out who you want to be in all this bullshit and do your best to pull it off. In the long run, everyone is going to die and no one will give a shit at that point anyway.

As for feeling comfortable around people, maybe you could start by observing social situations in a non-creepy way. Again, I'm not sure how you should go about that either. Maybe people watching while you go to the bookstore. Anyway, I think that if you pay attention to people you will learn from it.

I'm afraid that smoking pot or drinking might just make your situation worse.

Also, It's very early and I couldn't sleep.

i think i like LBC more than Bear Club himself now....

oh wait.. i already do!

and no, a BC exhibition thread wont help your chances BC

It would probably hurt them.

Every time I see your name I read it PoopinPlay. Don't Freud me. It's not true.

---------- Post added at 01:11 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:09 PM ----------

:D Bear is hairy. Even if he posted in exhibition, he would still appear to be fully clothed.

Hmmmmmmm. I think the Freuding isn't even needed.

DARE kid? Thassa my boy.

Hooah. Airborne.

I'm talking to her now about it. Well, not talking, texting. She can't talk on the phone at the moment, and I said we'll talk about it later but she says she'd prefer to know now. This sucks... I didn't want to do it in texts because it feels so wrong, like I'm a pussy. Now she's asking me what's wrong and why? I'm an asshole. :(

Edit: It's done, it's over... I don't know why I'm crying, but I am... This is the worst thing I've ever done to a human being... I feel like shit, and I'm sure she feels more like shit.... I seriously need to be punished somehow for this...

Edit: I hope God strikes me down for what I have done...

LoL, that's funny but the poster above you does make an interesting point. It's amazing how often I've seen people come out of their shells and start meeting people when they get going on that stuff (pot and alcohol specifically). I'm certainly not advocating it as a cure for loneliness (which would be a great way to go about messing up your life) but the stark turn around you see in some people is quite astounding. Just an observation.

Seriously? Dude, get a fucking grip. Short term, yeah, it kind of sucks, especially if she thought you two had a future. Long term, you're both better off without each other. Think about what would have happened if you'd reach the logical conclusion of this particular road - marriage, kids, hate each other, someone gets out a gun and then things get all shooty.

If you need to be "punished" get a bottle of whiskey and lock yourself in your apartment for the night and get nice and shittily drunk. You'll feel worse in the morning.

at least you have other famous people who also did it. goes to show you that it's just a normal way that people communicate today...you're hip! you're in the in crowd! you do the same things that they do, must make you as unique and special as them!

Carrie Underwood & Chace Crawford Broke Up Via Text Message | Carrie Underwood, Chace Crawford : Just Jared

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2359/...0782092841.jpg

*****

Seriously, you broke up with a girl. It's not the end of the world. It wasn't like you guys had been going out for years and were living together. I doubt you two are legal to drink in the US, you have years and years ahead of you. In a month, she will be over it. You? I'm sure you will dwell on this for years to no end. Let me give you a tip, she won't even care later on. You shouldn't either.

I know in the long-term it's better off for the both of us, it's just that, I'm almost positive that she's going to assume it's her fault, and I tried to let her know that it's not her and that I felt we just didn't have a relationship connection, but she didn't seem to buy it. Especially with the "I hope you find the right one." comment.

And I can't stand getting drunk, it's a terrible feeling. :p


Haha, very nice! Yeah, I didn't want it to be through text, even though that's our main method of communication. But she couldn't talk on the phone and wanted to know what's up at the moment, so, I had little choice but to use the shitty text method.


Funny picture. Lolz.

I'm 25 and she's 24 by the way. We are legal. :). I just don't want her thinking she lost "the one" because of something she did. She was amazed by me every time we met, and all I was doing was just being me. I just have to hope that she finds someone soon that amazes her like I did, just so she won't have to feel lonely and sad.

Ohh man, that confidence is coming in and it's coming good huh?
Trust me on that one.

http://gadgetsteria.com/wp-content/u.../facepalm1.jpg
http://cdn0.knowyourmeme.com/i/6512/...leFacePalm.jpg
http://cdn3.knowyourmeme.com/i/6515/...1218659828.jpg

^^ Jealous.

seriously dude..

in a few years, only two comments will remain that will remind you two of this little rendevouz

her: i cant believe i fell for that short guy
you: i cant believe i went out with that ugly church girl


let them fall where they fall..lets move on.

She apparently lacks sexuality, her religion creeps you out, and neither her personality nor body are up to par with your standards. You can't be yourself for fear of losing her respect, and you aren't even interested in learning more about her. She isn't a suitable romantic partner for you. At some point in the future, you'll lose interest in this woman you liken to a child, and she will quite probably feel unwanted.

My observations, from the information provided. Don't continue down the path of deception.

You are taking no responsibility for your own actions through much of what you are posting. I hope you can see that, at least. That will be the basis for you understanding why this stuff keeps happening to you when you decide to stop.

I think the only worse way you could have broken up with her is by sending her a card in the mail. Congratulations, you're a step above total coward. You knew she wouldn't let it go when you mentioned you wanted to talk. Take responsibility for your shit and next time, don't lie about who you are.

I apologize for the previous post I made which has now been deleted.

I would totally make a baby with you. :)

Wow, you really know how to woo the ladies. Why don't you try toning that one down and go with, "I wanna make a mess in your mouth." Might work better.

Also, LadyBC is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy more woman than you could ever handle. She would break you. There would most likely be a youtube video of it. Laughs all around.

I can't get pregnant by shoving a giant dildo up your ass, no lube. If you had to be involved, that is the only sexual situation that I could see as being even remotely enjoyable for me.

she's not lying.

TFP meet. You hold the video camera. Entertainment at his expense. Bring whiskey and plan on cooking because I burn things. LOL. BC and Cinn can be the audience that provides the laugh track. It could be a good fucking time. HAHA, anal torture with a laugh track, why am I not drunk?

Buy me a plane ticket and I'm in.

As a side note that concerns my social dilemma, how do you guys/girls feel about the gym as being a social place? It seems like a place that I can go to that fits my schedule, and I do need to get in better shape. Thoughts?

Are you really that much of a glutton for punishment or you are you that desperate to meet people? Either way I will totally be up for driving 30 minutes to LadyBC and Bearcub's place to do this. I'm all about verbally and physically abusing emo kids for my (and the internet's) amusement.

Lady, I'll bring some steaks along and make a port wine demi-glaze for them. It's fucking awesome. My rosemary and garlic mash potatoes are not to be missed.

I never want to be approached when working out at the gym. If its available, I use the women's only gym, for that reason. Guys bug me, heh.

More-so the latter. As long as I get some of the steak and wine too.


You make a good point. I'd assume nobody really wants to be bothered too much when at the gym. Might help me becoming more comfortable being around many people, though. Wouldn't mind making some guy friends too, as long as they aren't narcissistic douche-bags.

I'd have Bear Cub's babies...