Let them Cry

[DaniGirl]

Now this is a vent but it comes with some questions. Now I know every parent is different in how they choose to raise there children. I know that things have changed a lot since we were little. I still remember standing in the passenger seat of my fathers truck while he was doing 80 down the free way. Now a days parents wont even pull out of there drive way without knowing there kids cant move. This is something I agree with though.

Now getting to the point. Last weekend I went camping with my husbands family and my mother watched my 18 month old. Now when we are home a lot of the time I put them to bed and they have no problems, my kids usually go straight to bed. But when they are not at home they will cry when I put them to sleep. My mom thinks that is horrible. She even said it was "bad parenting". She had a horrible weekend because she wouldn't just let her cry for a second until she falls asleep. Now I'm not saying anymore then 10 minutes, 15 tops. They go to sleep at 9 every night so by that time they are usually ready to sleep. They are really happy kids, I don't think me letting them cry for a little bit harms them at all.

Am I being a bad parent? Will making them cry for a few minutes harm them? I mean whenever you get over stressed out don't you put them in there bed and walk away to calm down? Maybe I have some stress issues, but I would rather let them cry then for me to go crazy. Am I the only one?

[Willravel]

Your mother is way out of line.

[shakran]

They're going to have to learn at some point that sometimes things they don't like will happen or they will have to do things that they do not want to do. I say you're being a good parent by teaching them that even if they use strategies designed to get you to give them what they want, like crying, that you won't relent. Congratulations on being one of the few parents out there that's willing to put in the time and effort required not to raise a little hellion.

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[Punk.of.Ages]

Dude, crying does not cause children to die. I think the parent that lets their child cry when nothing's truly wrong is doing it right, as opposed to the parent who coddles their child every time they make a peep.

I know both kinds of parents. The children that are coddled develop heavy dependency issues that are not healthy for parent or child.

Willravel said it as simple and good as it gets. He has a tendency to do that...

[Xerxys]

Originally Posted by shakran

They're going to have to learn at some point that sometimes things they don't like will happen or they will have to do things that they do not want to do. I say you're being a good parent by teaching them that even if they use strategies designed to get you to give them what they want, like crying, that you won't relent. Congratulations on being one of the few parents out there that's willing to put in the time and effort required not to raise a little hellion.

.

THIS.

Crying has worked marvelously on my mom with her granddaughter and my aunt and her kids. If I cried for no reason, my parents made sure they'd give me one.

One more thing. Will is right. Your mom is WAY out of line. Now I know everyone is different, blah blah blah but grandparents new better, they don';t know best. Every single child I know raised by their grandparents grew up a little brat. And I know quite a few.

[genuinegirly]

Letting them cry is the way I was taught to put babies/young toddlers to bed while babysitting. The parents knew my methods. I was always asked back.

I would tell your mother that she hurts you when she tells you you're a bad parent. I would also ask her not to question your methods. If she doesn't want to provide consistenty for your children's lives by following your same procedures, you should find another relative or friend who is willing.

Were I in your shoes, I would have a difficult time speaking with my mother after this experience.

[telekinetic]

My 12-month old daughter always gets 15 minutes to cry herself to sleep if it is bed time (or nap time) and she isn't ready. If she cries the whole 15 minutes, we go through the 'needs other than sleep' checklist (diaper? food? bottle? paci?) once more, and then back in the crib she goes.

I do not feel like a bad parent.

Incidently, my mom hates to let her cry...I let her do whatever she wants when she's babysitting (if you have the patience, you can rock her to sleep soundly enough to transfer her to the crib in like half an hour, but if you rush it she wakes up and crys when you try to put her down), but she respects our methods when one of us is around.

[little_tippler]

I'd love to have snowy weigh in here.

I think that letting kids cry when they don't get what they want is fine. If you always yield to what they want they will never learn that life isn't handed to you on a silver platter. I think it's important to distinguish between them crying to get what they want, and crying because of actual distress. When it comes to really small babies, I am not so keen on the letting them cry business for too long. Babies have no other way to communicate with you other than cry, so I'd tend to be more aware of that than if the child was a little older. I don't think you're a bad mother. Parents, like your mom, meddle. Be patient but firm and show her where the boundaries lie.

[Xerxys]

And another thing, sleep-"yness" is actually bothersome to kids. I was told by a doc (wasn't a pediatrician so could be wrong) that children don't like the sensation of drowsyness. It causes discomfort in them. So they'll cry unless you teach them to deal with it.

You're doing a good job, You all are!!

[Bill O'Rights]

Originally Posted by shakran

They're going to have to learn at some point that sometimes things they don't like will happen or they will have to do things that they do not want to do.

BINGO!

And that, my friends, can also be attributed to 90% of the ills that i see today. Far too many were never taught these lessons early on.

DaniGirl, you keep on doin'.

[downhill]

I was hoping this thread was about the hootie and the blowfish song. Now i'm dissapointed. In the words of the immortal hootie, Let em cry, if the tears fall down like rain, let em cry, till it eases all your pain....

[DaniGirl]

Thanks for the support. I knew that letting my kids cry was not bad parenting. My mom and me always disagree with how I raise my kids. I try not to ever make the same mistakes my parents did with me and my sisters. They were always on drugs and drinking, letting there friends always pass out at our house. And I have forgiven them for all the shit that happened to me while they were drunk. But when it comes to my kids I make sure that they will never fuck them up like they did with me. My mom used to messure out our food so we wouldn't get fat. She barely eats anythiogn anymore. She told my 4 year old daughter that she was gaining too much weight, I flipped out. I didn't let her babysit my kids after that. This last weekend was an exception, my sisters were supposed to watch my kids but they left them with my sisters (WONT HAPPEN AGAIN)

Well anyways, more opinions are requested, and thanks for everyone who has already postedd in my thread i appritiat the support. And sorry if ther are alot of spelling errors, im a little drunk.

[shakran]

After reading your latest, all I can say is that there is no way in hell that a drug using drunk of a mother would ever make me feel bad or nervous about my parenting skills.

[Flinx]

Let them cry a bit, 10 to 15 minutes won't hurt them. I got my best advise from my sister in law, "crying is normal, usually you can tell if it's a I'm hurt/wet/hungry cry from the I don't want to goto bed cry after a few minutes. Just be sure to stay near enough that you can hear or use the monitor". She told me that the first time I looked after my nephew.
As for your mother, if my mother or father EVER tried to pull that kind of stuff on me I'd have a few words in private and none of them would be nice or polite. On the other hand my grandfather spoils his great great grandkids even though the parents and I ask him not too but what can you do? He's well over 90 years old

[The_Jazz]

Well, until the last post I was ready to side with your mother, up to a point (that point nowhere near "bad parent"), but now I'm wondering if you'll ever leave them alone in the same room with her. THAT would be being a bad parent, but it sounds like you're well aware of that.

Everyone who's not a parent probably should tread lightly in this thread because, well, you've never been throw sleep training, haven't had 3 AM feedings, gotten pooped on at 4 AM or dealt with any of the other shit that goes with being a parent. Honestly, unless you've been there, I don't care whether or not you agree with my opinions from here on out - you're in no position to even formulate your own opinion.

Putting aside the alcohol and drug issues completely, I think that grandmothers get special dispensation for things like this unless its directly undermining something that you're trying to accomplish, like teaching a child to go to sleep on it's own (non-parents - that doesn't magically happen). If my mother or mother-in-law wants to rock a baby to sleep or lay down with an older child, they're welcome to do it, because, honestly, the good things they bring to the table far outweigh that negative. They're going to be distracting the child, changing diapers, feeding, etc. to take the stress off the parents.

But letting your own child cry it out sometimes - nothing wrong there. In fact, it's doctor recommended for sleep training. Read Ferber and/or Weisbluth, who are both very well thought of when it comes to infant sleep.

[telekinetic]

As I read this I am enjoying some peace and quiet thanks to letting my daughter cry herself into a nap...she was tired and fussy, and all it took was 8 minutes and she was out.

[Zeraph]

If you reward crying you're only conditioning that response. Good job.

[Halanna]

Originally Posted by DaniGirl

I knew that letting my kids cry was not bad parenting.

There you go.

Your instincts will tell you when you are doing something drastically wrong.

Your instincts tell you not to give your child soda and cake for breakfast. Not to let them stay up until midnight. Not to let them chew on a power cord. Not to let them eat bugs. There are a million little things you instictually do/don't do for your child.

No one knows your child like you do. No one is as in tune to your child, their facial expressions, wants, needs, noises, voices, wimpers and cries.

You have to trust yourself and your instincts. If they tell you to let your child cry, then that is the course to take.

Except for the other parent of the child, no one has the right to tell you how to parent. Sharing suggestions, opinions, tactics, methods and routines can be great sources of information. No one, no one has the right to say the things that were said to you or to interfere with someone else's parenting. (assuming there is no abuse, etc. happening. Then obviously there is a legal and moral obligation to do something).

[jewels]

Originally Posted by DaniGirl

My mom and me always disagree with how I raise my kids.

Same thing happened to me in the first year or two of my first daughter's life. Nip this in the bud by standing up to your mother before it becomes a huge issue.

The way I handled it was to let her know that I valued her opinion and would always hear what she had to say but that she had to quit criticizing and respect my decisions, which were always made after reading about various methods and viewpoints and then doing what seemed or felt right to me.

She backed off and within a couple of years changed her tune and told me how much she respected how I parented my kids.

[DaniGirl]

Originally Posted by jewels

Nip this in the bud by standing up to your mother before it becomes a huge issue.

Thank you for the advice. I do have to take care of this before it starts hurting my relationship with my mother. I already hate going to visit her, she makes me feel like I cant do anything right. Either she says the kids are dirty or there clothes are too small. She never gets off my case and I cant handle it anymore. I just went there today so that my kids could go to church with my parents. My mom did much better today.

[highthief]

Once kids are of a certain age (for our first it was around 8 months) it is appropriate to let them cry themselves to sleep until they learn to do it without the fuss. But my Mum also had a problem with the whole concept and if she baby sat she wouldn't let the crying go on. I had to remind her that my brother didn't sleep through the night until he was 5 YEARS OLD because she kept running in every time he stirred. I might have gone the same way but when I was 2, my Mum ended up in hospital for a week and my Dad had to take care of me. Suffice to say, he never ran in to see me at 2 AM and by the end of the week I was sleeping through the night!

So, in my long experience, you're doing the right thing and your mother is reacting like a great many grandmothers would.

[vainღ♥♡jane]

i don't think there is anything wrong with letting a child cry. it seems to help them sleep. besides, you don't want to pick them up and coddle them every time they let out a whimper or they are going to end up being way more dependant than they should be.

[snowy]

Originally Posted by little_tippler

I'd love to have snowy weigh in here.

I think that letting kids cry when they don't get what they want is fine. If you always yield to what they want they will never learn that life isn't handed to you on a silver platter. I think it's important to distinguish between them crying to get what they want, and crying because of actual distress. When it comes to really small babies, I am not so keen on the letting them cry business for too long. Babies have no other way to communicate with you other than cry, so I'd tend to be more aware of that than if the child was a little older. I don't think you're a bad mother. Parents, like your mom, meddle. Be patient but firm and show her where the boundaries lie.

How I missed this thread, I don't know.

Letting children cry themselves to sleep is normal. twistedmosaic's method is what I use. There are a few major reasons why infants and toddlers cry, and it's important to run through the list of other needs. Are they wet? Are they hungry? Do they need a pacifier? Are they too warm? Are they too cold? Have they had too much stimulation? Are they tired? Once you take care of the basics twisted suggested, and make sure they're warm but not too warm, it's fine to let them cry. Some children, especially those of a difficult temperament, will almost always cry themselves to sleep.

As tippler suggested, boundaries are important. When young children entry the family picture, there is a renegotiation of boundaries between parent/child--in this case, your mother and you. You need to be clear with your mother as to where these new boundaries are. However, this is a delicate process during this lifestage as you don't want to alienate your mother, who could prove to be ultimately helpful to you. Patience and calm, clear communication is key. The boundary at this point is meant to be a little fuzzy. It's up to you to define where it is now.

[fresnelly]

The challenge is when you have a grouchy neighbour on the other side of the wall or an entire camprgound full of them. There's ideal parenting and and then there's the rest of us.