Ever feel like you're holding the crazy in?
 

I sure do. I've woven this elaborate illusion around everyone I know to seem like this calm, collected, clever guy. But when I let down all the doors I'm like this little kid with extreme ADHD.

Speaking of which, genetically I have a lot of predisposition for the crazy. Schizophrenia, ADHD, OCD, anxiety disorder, paranoia, bipolar, and probably a few I'm forgetting. If there's a disorder somewhere I have a (living) family member with it.

I know I have some sort of anxiety disorder, spoken with a neurologist about it and am taking an SSRI. And I probably have a mild case of many of the others, like I can be obsessive-compulsive, but not enough to call it a disorder. I've built up a lot of self-discipline over the years so I've been dealing with it and on the surface I look fairly normal.

Now I wonder if it is healthy to "hide" so much of myself or if it's the only thing keeping me from developing a more serious case of a disorder. What do you think?

My other problem/question is one of work. I'm almost 24, college graduate (since 22) and haven't really worked. The most I've worked is 3 days in a row, and by the end of it I was ready to self-destruct. I felt empty and exhausted. Possibly from holding myself in for so long.

Then of course there's the anxiety any time I've had longer than a week's break from anything. One time I couldn't work for a week because of the car, I couldn't bring myself to go back to work for a month because I kept having panic attacks.

So I don't know what to do. Keep looking for a job where I can be freer and hope that it won't drive me nuts or bring myself to look into the possibility of going on disability.

Suggestions, ideas?

What type of job do you have?

yes. it's why I'm medicated.

Well, at some point, you're going to need to find out how you can fit into society. A regular job might not be the answer. You should study yourself and find out what kind of situation you respond best in. Maybe you'll do better as a salesman, freelancer or artist. Not that there is much money in those as you start out, but you could get somewhere with a little persistence. As a fellow ADHD kid, I can tell you that you're going to have your heart broken if you think you can achieve anything on short-term results. Your mind might be thinking, "What can I do to fix this problem NOW before I change gears?" Well the answer is that whatever you do will not fix anything. Pretty much every problem you have needs to be addressed with discipline and patience. Or blind dumb luck.

I'm actually surprised that you got through school with such a high level of anxiety. I sure didn't.

Everyone's a little crazy, Zeraph. I can't ever just eat one cookie. I'm serious, if someone brings me a thing of Oreos, it's gone in a matter of hours and I'm feeling sick to my stomach. Also, I fart when I get nervous.

Please, please be careful with SSRIs. Did your neurologist do any kinds of real tests on you before writing your prescription? Some people just hand out SSRIs like they're candy when someone even uses the word "depressed". That's not how it should work.

If you're concerned, speak to a psychologist. If they decide you may need meds, go to a psychiatrist.

Yes, and I spent several years in therapy starting during my first real job, and then during grad school, which is where EVERYONE is crazy so you start to think you're normal. I filled a prescription for Zoloft towards the end of my therapy, before deciding against taking them... it was during one of the worst swings of depression and anxiety that I went through. That was after 2 years of long distance with my boyfriend, when we got married and then had 2 more months of long distance to get through--it exacerbated all of my worst mood/anxiety issues--but most of it settled down after we finally moved in together.

Being in Iceland for the last 18 months, I have recognized that I should still be in some kind of counseling for all kinds of family issues here, but I can't manage to do it with someone who is not a native English speaker (and culturally American, perhaps). So I'm waiting to get back to the US and get myself back into the swing of that, until I can get through that shit. My husband and close friends offer a band-aid form of counseling, though they certainly don't deserve to listen to my shit all the time--they're my husband and friends, not my psychologists. So I try to tackle a lot of it myself or by not venting too much to any one person in a short period of time, often writing in my paper journal to get things out, and look forward to getting home soon.

I would say that one form of mental illness or another is prevalent in quite a few of my family members, whether they realize it, had it diagnosed, or not... most of them have hidden/ignored their symptoms for their entire lives, and have subsisted on self-medication and/or becoming total porcupines or downright assholes who hurt everyone who tries to care for them. I don't want to be one of those people, and since I have the genes and environment for it, I have to work at it constantly. It never really goes away, but you learn how to carry it better with time and the right tools.

Yes, I'm crazy, I have ADD and I cant seem to stay at one place at a time, no I have never had counseling and I hate the idea that anybody needs medication for this. I am calm collected and despite the fact that I have a dodobird memory and twitchy nerves, I get through life with I cant seem to give you better advice than Halx just did, you have to set rules and regulations for yourself and adhere to them strictly if you are too proud son-of-a-bitch to ask for help, like me. My worst fear is failure and that really isn't saying much because that's everyone's worst fear. You mess up you'll affect more than yourself so just get up and do it, don't think about anything, just set a timetable and follow it. The rest will happen organically!! Check to see what it is you wanna do, what subjects did you enjoy through school, pick one of those and I promise a career will bloom, freedom is not free, my friend, it comes with a price of sacrifice of self.

I feel you can do both. I've been medicated on and off for the past thirty or so years. The diagnosis is unimportant, but I know that after a couple of months I begin to feel Stepfordlike, and part of who I am and how I function is based on emotion. I think I was more miserable not being able to express myself.

About 8 - 10 years ago I met an amazing therapist who helped retrain me, via weekly visits, to recognize thought patterns and responses and learn how to cope with them. I stayed on meds for six months, then tried six months off. At about that point, I'd know I needed to get back on. I continued therapy for another two or three years and was able to dump the Zoloft (and other meds). I haven't looked back.

Based on my experience, I think if I'd had a really good therapist from Day One, I might have been able to deal without meds. Maybe it's just my situation, nI'm not sure.

Either way, there will come a day when something occurs that you will have to seek help, one way or another. I'd recommend that you at least talk to a professional (therapist or psychologist) or two.

Well, that's honest. And I think it works for a lot of people.

Problem is, those who struggle the most with this stuff are in no place to be setting their own rules and regulations... most of them want to be as free from encumbrances and commitments as possible, and they are not able to set those kinds of boundaries around their lives and decisions for any extended period of time. In which case, we crazies gotta ask for help.

I was too good to ask for help for most of my life. Then I started fucking up relationships, one after the other. I thought staying single might help, but no. I got more fucked up. At some point I realized that I didn't want to fuck up my future marriage, or my friendships, or especially my future kids. I didn't want to ask for help, but I didn't want to keep hurting other people because of my ego.
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I was never on meds, but I think that if I'd had my most recent therapist from the very beginning (he was my 3rd) and if he'd applied cognitive behavior therapy from the beginning, it would have saved me a lot of time and energy. But then again, these things are never just in-and-out deals... you gotta put in the time in order for it to pay off. Very few people find a "good fit" therapist in their first few counseling experiences. Those who do are very lucky.

My name is Jason, and I am a nut-bag. Commence 12 step program....

Yeah, I'm pretty much the same. Depression, anxiety, weird thoughts. I've tried the medication, no thanks. Just keep moving forward. Don't give in to the thoughts of disability. If you give up on yourself, it's over. I keep changing jobs and looking for something better. You never know, you might eventually end up in the perfect place....

Sometimes I wonder if the cost of higher intelligence is: "Schizophrenia, ADHD, OCD, anxiety disorder, paranoia, bipolar"

It's hard not being paranoid and depressed, when you see the way things are going in the world, and who is running it.....

I feel so much less alone now....

I battle bouts of anxiety and intense frustration where I feel ready to break my head open on walls, and those really scare me. I also lose focus of my situation sometimes and get completely engrossed in a single task until I've satisfied my compulsion to "finish" it, whatever that happens to mean at the moment.

I have been strongly encouraged to go on meds but haven't tried any yet, and I'm very nervous and hesitant to do so. I am hoping I can get into a program of therapy and stick with it consistently to get some relief without turning to pharmaceuticals, but if that's out of the question, I guess I would be willing to try them.

It appears that mine is seeping out around the edges.

I kept it in for years, and then when my life went to hell, Ilet it all out in one go, and Ithink when I re-built myself I got a better job done.

I try not to let the crazy out these days so much.

I've never really been crazy. Had my share of character flaws, sure. But they're more 'addictive' behaviors than crazy ones. Do I not qualify for this thread? :(

Schizophrenia, anxiety, depression, bipolar, and general craziness all run in my family. I have a half dozen family members (including nuclear family) who have been hospitilized due to mental health issues. I'm the "normal" one in the family and I struggle with anxiety and depression. I've been on meds twice: once after the death of my brother (they were a lifesaver), and once during a pretty bad bout with depression and anxiety. That time I didn't like the way they made me feel and quit taking them.

Yeah...I hold the crazy in all the time.