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Old 07-22-2008, 05:22 PM   #1 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: Don't worry about it.
What have I gotten into here?

About 11 months ago me and my wife separated - still working on divorce terms, custody, and the fact my parents left me the house we are in when they retired, AND that I was the sole provider - it's just coming down to how much hard cash I'll owe her.

In that time, I met probably the most incredible person I've ever met. She's with a guy in a terrible situation, he basically controls everything she does, from money to where she goes. Stalks her at work, she called me one day hysterically crying cause he choked her while she was asleep. But this week, she's on vacation from her job and they took their boat out and are spending the week camping out somewhere, and I can't talk to her. It's just made me think a lot about where this is going.

None the less, it was a no commitment thing, just someone to hang out with, go to the movies, fishing, camping, or whatever else we wanted to do. Yes, we've had a lot of sex. But, no strings attached, nothing. No feelings - until recently. She told me she loved me. And, I really do love her. She's incredible. I adore her.. I think she's wonderful. She really is the single most incredible person I've ever met. She's my best friend. Now, I had no intention on this ever being a relationship - but I really want it too? ... If that makes any sense. She said she wants it too as well, I've asked her more then once...

The part that makes no sense to me, I asked her to leave and be with me. I have a beautiful home, that just my son and I live in. I make a good living, I didn't ask her to work. Nothing, if nothing else, get the hell out of the situation she's in. I told her I'd pay for the divorce lawyer she still owes money too, and the judgement against her in her divorce from 4 years ago. She always says, "I can't right now, you know that. It can't be any different right now." But I don't understand WHY, and why she won't tell me. I guess I don't trust the fact that she's still in the situation she's in, it doesn't make any sense if it didn't have to do with money. Her boyfriend, whatever he is makes good money. She'd never have anything to worry about. She wouldn't with me either, but I've never told her anything about my living - for a reason. I already married one money-hungry-spending-outta-control woman... I'm not doing it all over again. I'm not willing to turn my very laid back, easy going life upside down for another person, who isn't willing to do the same for me - I gave everything in my first marriage, and it damn near sucked every ounce of sanity out of me. I cannot do it again.

Needless to say, I don't know what to say to her, I don't know where to go with her now. I seriously love this woman. I can't picture myself without her being part of who I am, and part of my life. My son adores her. I just can't get over the fact I have a serious issue with trust right now. Something doesn't add up, and I'm searching for a little bit of help. This is the only place I can ask, or talk about it, and feel comfortable doing it. The other question I have, is if she's doing this with me, why wouldn't she do it TO me?

Any advice is appreciated.

-- K.

Last edited by Kurant; 07-22-2008 at 05:31 PM..
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Old 07-22-2008, 05:47 PM   #2 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: Chicago
You're going to gets all kinds of advice from: run-away-as-fast-as-you-can to if-you-love-her-like-you-say-you'll-stick-it-out-as-long-as-it-takes.

The only thing I can offer is that you ask yourself why you love her and why you want to be with her and what are you willing to risk to have her in your life?

Only you know the answers to those questions. Anything we say or offer will only serve to validate what you already believe to be true or contradict what you want to hear.
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Old 07-22-2008, 06:01 PM   #3 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: Don't worry about it.
I don't know what to think, that's why I'm asking. I don't have notions about anything right now. Other then, I know what I think, and those could in fact be completely false. I know what I can't have happen again.. I can't go through what I did for 11 years already. Which was someone who didn't want to work for anything, just have it all given to her. And like an idiot, I spent 9 of those years doing just that.

If I knew what to think, I wouldn't ask.
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Old 07-22-2008, 06:06 PM   #4 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: Chicago
Okay, let's start with what you said. What gives you the indication that you might end up going through with her what you went through with your ex wife?

And as far as not knowing what to think, I don't know how to respond without sounding like an ass, so I just have to risk it. I think you do know what to think, but you don't like the answers you're giving yourself, so you asking us in hopes that we'll counter what's already in your mind about this whole situation.

I could be wrong about that, and I certainly don't want to presume to know what's in your head, but there we are.
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Old 07-22-2008, 06:15 PM   #5 (permalink)
More Than You Expect
 
Manic_Skafe's Avatar
 
Location: Queens
Seems you'd be hard pressed to find a situation any more tangled than the one you're in. It's obvious that if she wanted more then she'd do whatever it takes to make that happen.

JJ is right - you'll do whatever you want. But there really are too many amazing women out there who are free to date to get yourself involved in a situation such as this.
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Old 07-22-2008, 06:30 PM   #6 (permalink)
Fancy
 
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Location: Chicago
Have you thought that maybe she doesn't really want to be saved? Not that people can really 'save' a person. But it's extremely difficult to help a person who isn't receptive to it.

If she was that unhappy, she would leave when she saw a way out. In an abusive relationship, it's difficult to break free though. There is a lot of mental manipulation that would cause one to stay.

Only you know why you love her. Only you know the correct choices and paths to take. People here can offer insight, examples, and questions, but you know the situation best.

My advice:
Ultimatums are usually not good, but it seems appropriate in this case. You have to let her know that you won't be around forever. This could go either way, but then at least you will know and will be able to get out of limbo.
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Old 07-22-2008, 11:12 PM   #7 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: Don't worry about it.
Your not sounding like an ass. I'm very receptive to input. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be posting here, open to every critic. It's not that I don't like what I think, because I don't know what to think, I truly have no idea what to tell her, or what to do. I know what I WANT to do, but is it really the smartest choice? The more and more I think about it being out of contact with her for the last week, the more and more the choice is clear. I should probably separate myself from the situation.

I'm a self aware person, I'm perfectly aware of how "tangled" it is.

I live a pretty simple life, I'm a single father, I go to work, I get my son from day care, I go home. My son is the only thing I NEED in my life. We live well, and it's not that I think it could be the way things were with my ex-wife, it's being afraid that it would happen again. Trusting people is a very delicate thing with me, even a year after we separated. (Which, BTW my divorce will be final at the end of August, I was told today. )

It's not about saving her. I can't save her, she can save herself. If it's with me, or someone else. Those are her choices, I can't do anything but lay it out there, and I've done that. Now it's on her.

JJ, your right. Exactly right, I'm not willing to risk what I have right now. The more I mull over this, the more I think I don't need another relationship right now, and I'm not even sure I want one. Even more so one derived from a situation like this. I guess I know what I need to do more then I thought I did.

Last edited by Kurant; 07-22-2008 at 11:17 PM..
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Old 07-23-2008, 12:59 AM   #8 (permalink)
But You'll Never Prove It.
 
ItWasMe's Avatar
 
Location: under your bed
I am surprised she has told you anything about it, if she is not ready to get out. I was in an abusive relationship years ago. I told nobody, until years after I left. Nobody had a clue. Even twenty years later, I dislike talking about it, or even driving through that town. It took me years before I could even drive in that state without my hands shaking.

I think all you can do is what you've done. You've already put it out there. I don't think it is exactly healthy for anyone to sit by and watch all of this happen to someone they care about. Especially when you're pulling your own heart and life back together. You might want to say something to her like...you care about her too much to sit back and watch what she is allowing him to do to her (and she is allowing it). And that, for a time, you will be there if she decides to leave...ONCE.

If she does leave him, there is no guarantee that she will not go back to him. I did that, once. For the life of me, I do not know why. Make sure you don't end up being just a temporary safe place that she bounces to and from.
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