Reproductive donation - Black, white or gray?
 

This is another one of those loopy, but true turns that has presented itself in my current life. How bizarre life is once you begin to live it. Its fab and I love it.

Mary is getting married next yr and will want to have children in 3-5 yrs, she thinks maybe. If she decides she does indeed want to conceive, she will need to be inseminated in a planful way, using a donor unknown or known, artificially or naturally (her partner is not an option in the dept of sperm donoring).

i was telling her that my friend J wants to have a child and that he mentioned just in passing that he could be her donor. At first I was surprised and dismayed to hear him say this and coasted right over the subject with nary another word. Then when thinking more about it I saw many advantages for everyone involved - the child, Mary, her partner, and J, with the most benefits for J, Mary, and the child. The person who would lose out the most would be her partner in that he would want to be able to legally adopt the child as his own, but I know that J could not stand that and it would invalidate the goal of leaving his child his inheritance, as well as possibly deprive him of the pleasure of actively co-fathering said child.

(Edit: I should add here in re above, that the Mary, her partner, and the child would have about $1 mil as a result of this, and that J would probably be in their life some way anyway, sperm donor or not. It sounds distasteful, but think about it.)

In the midst of this convo Mary mentioned that sometime in the past she was throwing her hat into the egg donor ring when the last page of the contract gave her pause. It asked if she would want visitation with any children conceived with her eggs. She stopped the process right then and there. I asked her why and she said she didnt know what she thought of this and just couldnt think about it.

Im not sure but I think it might be hard for me not to feel a little parental toward a child who I knew was conceived with my egg. But if it were a stranger, Id say have at it.

If I were her, I'd stand clear of a "father" who wants in on the child's life. I can only imagine what it would be like for my SO to tell me, "I love you, and we're in a relationship, but I'm going to conceive a child that isn't yours, and it's not yours to raise as you see fit." That's a pretty HUGE exclusion for a man to make in a marriage, and in my opinion, sounds a little selfish on Mary's part.

As far as feeling parental towards a child conceived with my "donation," I can't say that I'd feel any sort of parental obligation. However, if I were to donate sperm for whatever reason, I'd prefer to never be told that mine were selected. It's not that I'd feel any sort of attachment to the child, but a million questions would always linger in the back of my mind. Does the child look like me? Does he act like me? Is he going to have the same flaws and psychological problems down the road? Should I have warned the parents about my medical history? The list goes on and on.

Why don't they adopt?

I personally would not accept a donor who would have any legal rights to my child, unless I was married to the 'donor.' Too easy for the donor to decide he wanted custody down the road, if we (hubby and I) raised the child our way instead of the donor's way. Or, if I died ten years down the road, the donor could decide he then wanted to raise the child. How would my husband feel to not only lose me, but our child as well? That's alot to have held over your head. I would rather not go down that road.

while i've never donated sperm, i think that you submit a medical history with your sperm. it would make sense...

i'd have no problem donating sperm, and wouldn't even care if i found out it was used. but if i didn't have any swimmers in my pool, and wanted to have a child with my (so far non-existant) wife, the donor would not be allowed any rights or i wouldn't allow it. you're just asking for trouble to do otherwise, i think. it's an unnecessary complication.

My twins are "lab babies", conceived through a no longer used process called "GIFT" and we used donor sperm. The spouse had to sign a consent form that noted that he alone was legally their father. The donors are completely anonymous-only their physical characteristics, brief bio and medical history, if needed. We chose 6 by number only. We then continued having sex throughout the treatment and the day before surgery to mentally "make" the kids our own.

Unless Mary's partner is willing to concede at least partial parental responsibility to J, I would strongly suggest he not be used.

Because of the number of eggs that were taken from me and those implanted became my kids, I signed over rights to the remaining embryos but for "research purposes only" because I couldn't bear the thought of anyone else carrying my child.

If J truly wants an heir, he'd be much better off finding a surrogate and if Mary really wants a baby, she should find a less "friendly" way of achieving that goal.

I'm likely donating to a dear friend who wants a baby. That's likely to start in the next few weeks.

It'll be dead clear black and white before we ever go into it. I don't want any parental rights or responsibilities, nor does she want me to have any. The contract is signed before I even look at a donation cup.

I don't think I could donate sperm without having some say in the child's future. I'd feel like I was shirking a (very big) responsibility.