secrets or full disclosure?
 

Hi all... first time poster (aside from the first-timer introduction). I'm curious to know what people think: do secrets belong in committed relationships, or is full-disclosure always preferred?

Telling the truth is always good.


But there are some things in my past that will stay in my past. It's not that I lie about them. I just don't bring them up. And if I'm asked... then I lie.

The real question is what are you afraid of telling your partner and why?

So often the things we hide are petty things we fear will cause paper cuts; we try to prevent annoyances through glossing over our minimal concerns.

We store them up until they gut us like a meat hook.

I've done some pretty stupid things and people in my day.

And it's not that I'm afraid or embarrassed about any of it. It's just that my girlfriend doesn't need to know about that time I got a blow job in a bar bathroom from a girl I had known for all of 6 minutes then never talked to again. Or that night I was out with friends, got really drunk, got in a fight, and put two guys in the hospital after beating them with bats.


Then there's all the bad shit I've done...

King's example not withstanding, the saying goes "You're only as sick as your secrets."

I look at it this way--if it comes up, we talk about it. And I don't lie about my past. However, my significant other definitely has the attitude that the past is past.

Chances are, your partner has some secrets too. We all do. And we do need someone to tell them to.

If you were a girl who used to do gang bangs with your 3 male roommates in college, I'd refrain from mentioning that to a new boyfriend unless you found out he was ok with that sort of thing.

There are secrets and there are things you don't really do any good by sharing. Like when someone cheated on their spouse years ago and then confesses out of guilt. Its a selfish act to make them feel better, not their spouse.

Now if said secret is something you think will be important in the relationship later, then fess up.

General full disclosure, run through a filter of empathy.

would be good if you could give us your opinion on the subject also?

Through my own experience, there are certain things that are best kept to yourself. You can always partially disclose them, but if you disclose fully, you run the risk of it coming back to bite you at a later date, if you break-up, or are having an argument, or things aren't going well. People can be quite cruel when they're angry - don't give them fuel is what I say. If ti's not going to improve your relationship or isn't relevant, why expose yourself that way?

For me, no secrets. There is always a time and a place but if you can't begin a relationship with total honesty (both parties, not just one!), it's not a good foundation.

I think it's a given that couples get to know one another over time, so any "secrets" should be disclosed at an appropriate time in the getting-to-know-you process.

I'm an open book, but there's a difference between "lying" and "better left unsaid". Not everything from everyone's past is fair game. If you demand full disclosure, then you are looking for a person with a perfect past, or absolutely no shame.

I am usually a reserved, private person. Go figure out that one! But I am open with my immediate family. However, if something comes up from long ago that I feel like discussing, I will. If I don't, I won't.

I am not going to go digging through a skeleton closet searching for a missed bone for someone to beat me with. If you want to know who I am, look at what I say and do now, not a decade ago.

I do agree, there are certain things that may be irrelevant and don't need to be mentioned. But when I say full disclosure, it's never demanded or even requested. Heck, it's fun to continue to discover new things about one another years into a relationship. I see it as sharing, nothing more or less.

And why would one assume that wanting to truly know someone would mean they want a person with a perfect past?

Because anyone demanding "full disclosure" is looking to judge the other person. If you weren't looking to judge their past, you wouldn't be asking. If you were happy with who they are now, you wouldn't go digging.

Thank you.

We are what we do. Not who we were.

And what we do is based on how we got to this point, based on past events.

As I stated in my previous post, I'm not talking about demanding or even asking for anything. I'm not sure I got the super-sensitivity on this issue either. Disclosure doesn't mean confession, admission or losing oneself. It's not defining one by their past. It's about wanting to share who you are, where you've been and who you are.

It helps me to understand him and why some of his behaviors are odd :orly: and helps him to understand why I'm the way I am. If anything, it will bond you.

"Take me for who I am, my past means nothing" ... what's that mean anyway? Sounds like you chose an item off the shelf based on reading the pretty label.

With my Tony Robbins'-style self-motivation system... I sometimes feel that it would be best if we envision that people exist only in the present tense, and that where we are right now and our next step are the only things that matter.

This kinda debate reminds me of Memento. What if we had no past?

I may be a product of my past, but it doesn't own me or "make me now."

Every morning we wake up with a chance at a blank slate with ourselves.

That crazy concept of "Prime Self" I babble about. I am what I do.

If someone asks you a specific question, answer honestly and fully. I wouldn't go out of your way volunteering information about that time in Bangladesh where you snorted cocaine out of a transsexual hooker's ass crack... but if you're asked if you've ever done drugs, say "Yes."

I like being an open book to the world. But, some things I'd rather keep a mystery.

In a relationship, I think both partners should be as open as possible, while still keeping some things to themselves just to keep the mystery alive.

I agree with you in principle, it'd be great if it were that way. But that's simply not the way things are. If only we could begin a relationship and never allude to the past. Start anew as if time hadn't passed. Disregard our parents, our education and our upbringing. Very interesting.

Still World's King for this advice in my book. :)

Yes, yes... sadly we are creatures defined by yesterday, last month, last year... it's how life progresses. A moving action within moving time equals life.

Doesn't have to be how we see ourselves and others, though.

Lame example:

To me... at this board... you are what you write and how you write it. You aren't your education, your parents, the last weirdo you banged, the car you drive that needs to be vacuumed, or the mismatched socks you wear.

Everybody starts out like that. I try to hold onto that... that feeling.

There are some things that I will never tell anyone; they're just too private. I expect that anyone I'm in a relationship with will also have secrets that won't be shared with me. But if it's something that affects the relationship, you have to decide what's more important, your secret or the relationship.

I think being honest about everything is good when and if it's brought up. Although some things from your past you may not want to discuss because they aren't relevant. But if your SO asks I think you should answer honestly. At least...that's what James and I have always done. It works quite well...even when the answers aren't always so pleasing at times.

Full disclosure only makes sense. unless you're really a mouse in a pidgin suit in a man's skin...

That didn't quite come off the way I wanted. i think i'm tired.

I have always had an open book policy to my past, my SO's can ask anything and I will answer everything honestly.

The only exception is when my SO asks for names of old SO's, flings, etc. Things I have done in my past are private between them and me. I will talk about what I have done, just not who it was... does that make sense? It is like handing out your friend's phone number to someone you know they did not give, or want you to give, it to.

If my current SO has a problem with that, then they need to work with me now, not battle my past. I am willing to discuss my past and who was in it... but I am only half of the party in question, shouldn't the other person have a say as to what we've done privately? Don't confuse this as still wanting to be with them, it is respecting that what we were/did was private between us and should stay so. As far as I have experienced, every SO that has had a problem with me with-holding names from them, have always objected to me mentioning them in my next relationship. Why? "It is our private life."

Call me strange but that is just me.

I do not demand full disclosure; I practice it. And so does my husband. So no demands need to be made, since we already offer our secrets willingly and in trust of the other person to not judge us. Seems to work for us.

From the very first week we got together, we started telling each other everything about our pasts and present. It was one of the building blocks of intimacy and trust between us, and it continues to this day. It is just our Standard Operating Procedure, and we like it that way.

We are not ashamed to say or confess anything to each other... why should we be?

My husband and I became friends 30 years ago, at age 12. So as for my "past," he was pretty much there for it. If there are any secrets during those first 12 years, I've forgotten them. Still, I want to be known for who I am now, and to know people for who they are now. If someone wants to share details, great. If not, I respect that privacy.

The world couldn't live under the strain of full disclosure. Just tell your friends what you really think about their kids if you don't believe it.

I'm with the general crowd here... open and honest is great, but dredging for bad stuff to just spring on your SO in the spirit of disclosure is bad. I recently brought up to my wife a person I had slept with quite some time ago. I'm not even sure anymore what brought the discussion up. I'm certainly not proud of it (she knows the person) and she took it very well (she was sad for me I think).

Realistically, I don't think there is anything that could come up about her past that would change how I feel about her and I believe that it works the other way, too. We've all done bad things now and then. Some things ARE better left unsaid. My wife, for example was (is) a band geek. The whole American Pie band camp thing... stuff like that really does happen. If she and some random dude had a sexual romp with her, him and his trumpet, it wouldn't make me feel any different about her. But I'm pretty sure I'd rather not hear a graphical depiction of it. Though she admits that "things happened" at said camps and outings, I think she's probably not told me the whole story. Maybe it's for the best. It couldn't HURT things, but why bring it up? LOL

Yeah, the infamous "Wow, so who else has fucked you in the ass, huh?!" sexually-jealous-ownage monster comes out like a drunken Lil John ("WHAT?! OKAY!") in couples like-whoa crazy when people start dropping Penthouse Letters-details like, uh, measurements and positions and comparative language and who heroically swallowed that copious amount of ropey, high-velocity, pearly man-essence in a single epic gurgle.

Okay, I'll stop.

Hell, sometimes I feel bad using first names because it makes it more personal, like it matters now somehow. I prefer pronouns for things I did in the past with people I'll never see again (99% majority of the women I've dated). I take singular responsibility for whatever, making any shared life experiences simply something that I have done. "I did this, I did that, I know this, I know that." I avoid "we" and "us" language, I think maybe repeated use gives the wrong impression when talking about past relationships to a current partner, especially since I'll never see those people ever again.

Awh, maybe I'm full of shit. A healthy chunk of my relationships have been long-term commitments where previous-relationship things have come up one way or another and it seemed like CIA bamboo-fingernail torture whenever either I or my partner personalized something from the past with TMI.

Yes, there's a difference between healthy honesty and and complete openness.

I don't mind talking to my partners about my past or their past, but I definitely leave out the TMI unless it is somehow way-helpful to the conversation or they really, really gotta know. I'd like to think that they would understand and do the same thing, but that isn't always the case. I'm not a jealous man by nature but I do have a real tack in my ass about... uh... "severe fidelity issues" thanks to my nearly-killed-me previous life experience and that isn't something I ever want to deal with again. Whew, I can't stand the pain. I want a durable relationship where I can drop the anchor AND take my hand off the chain. Sure, the boat sways in some storms... but the anchor doesn't budge.

Rules of life: Be honest but don't twist the knife.

...

That and don't whiz on the electric fence.

Well, i don't know that that is universally true. The Penthouse Letter style details can even make for some excitement here and there. It's the COMPARATIVE aspects that get a lot of people crazy. I suppose my above example was bad. If she said she got boned by a guy and his trumpet, I wouldn't mind. If she said she got boned by a guy and his trumpet and it was the hottest thing she ever felt... I'd maybe be a bit bummed. :p

Shit, you're deployed... anything'll turn you on!

Don't say it isn't true!

I know it is! :D

yep
 

I have to agree with this....and also from my own personal experience.
There is a big difference between answering a question and offering up TMI.

I don't need to lie to anyone about anything, but I don't bring up too much of the past without a reason.

It also depends on the depth of the relationship.

yeah, so? :expressionless:

So I got these really hot pictures of me dancing topless in the middle of eastern A-stan with a piece of camo net as hair.

Ya know... if you get lonely.

<--- VERY lonely. ;-)

:thumbsup:

Truth is that I don't think my partner would ever be the person I tell *all* of my secrets to, and that's okay by me. It's a problem if it isn't with him/her, but I don't think that's ever going to change (for me).

It's always been most difficult for me to be completely honest with the people I care about the most (and those who care the most about me); as bad as I've always felt about this, I'm finding it's not as uncommon as I used to think.

Overall impressions of what's been written so far... it's interesting to me that many of the responses focus on disclosing information from the past. When I thought of the question I guess I'd been thinking about fully disclosing the "present," if that makes sense.

Example: if I go through my day with a head full of mental meanderings, does my partner consider it "hiding something" if I don't open up and talk about it all? "Yes" if it has something to do with our relationship; "no" if it doesn't.

I agree with this. Is it unhealthy for the relationship if I prefer to keep such things to myself, relationship-related or not? It can probably work for some partners and not for others.

Well, I HAVE been gone a year now... It's getting pretty bad...

I believe in full disclosure, but it's got to be apropos. Like, don't just look up from your newspaper some morning while your honey's eating her cereal and be like, "so did I ever tell you that when I was at camp one summer my whole cabin had a circle-jerk?"

Also, I while I tell my GFs anything they ask, and don't hide anything from them, I respect it if someone's different. My only rule is, "you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, just don't ever lie to me." One of my friends in high school had the misfortune of asking his girl if she'd ever gone down on other guys. Rather than just saying she didn't feel comfortable answering that question, she told him no. He found out a couple of months later that she'd lied by virtue of an acquaintance casually letting drop that she had once, at a post-game party, gone down on the entire playing lineup of the basketball team, in succession, complete with teabaggings and a couple of round-the-worlds, in front of the entire team, the cheerleaders, and most of the rest of the pep squad. I've never been lied to quite that dramatically, but it's still a dealbreaker with me.

Are you kidding? That is essential, like cup of tea/coffee. A good laugh wakes me up! :lol: //never been in a circle jerk-- don't plan on it either//


Agreed. I still wish they could tell me any questions I have, I don't need names, nor will I guess who it was with in her past, but I never want to be lied to. As I've stated earlier, she has full access to my past, except names.


:expressionless: I am impressed. I don't believe it, but wow, I am entertaining that notion and the shock someone would receive. :eek:

I must fit in the no shame category. i tell my friends, SOs, and anyone who will listen anything they want to know. And I don't lie, there is one person I have reserved the right to lie to (my mother), however I resist even that. I know it sounds petty but no one can look in my soul the way she can.

Lying however is a problem, I don't tolerate it in relationships and I get really upset over it with friends.

It is true I have had a pretty tame past, at least for the most part, but I don't see the benefit of denying my past self. It is "yes, I earned my red wings, and I realized it before she did" and "yes, I accidentally lit a pile of black powder with my thumb in it once". If my GF at the time of that first story didn't spread the story herself i would not admit names, as is she don't care. I'm sure my friends who were there are embarrassed for me in the second but I am the one with the burns, so tuff shit.

The only thing i don't share is something someone else has told to me under confidentiality, and then I don't lie, I just tell the querier that I can't disclose that.

As far as relationships go I announce this fact long before there is a relationship, so it doesn't surprise them. I appreciate reciprocity in this, but I never demand or even request it. I have had Gfs who did not believe in being open completely, or at all, and I currently have a GF who does have the same open policy as I do. Looking back at my relationships I can truthfully say that it helps.

That said I had a GF who knew of TFP, and joined when we broke up (there is some question of timing there). That was ugly, really ugly. I still apologize for that. I actually quit TFP for a 18 months or so over it. I was so freaked out that I would run into her on her that this place wasn't safe anymore.

Looking back at it, it looks like I guess I still do have 1 sort of secret, it really hurt me for some reason to have her see my plea for help to you guys, or to see hers. Now I feel childish about it. In fact I think I just hit a crisis, do I mention TFP to my current GF? It had honestly never come up before now and I think that I am in trouble. I will let you all know what is decided, assuming you care, I would love to be a board couple like those I see on TFP, I think the surprise was the problem.

I consider this place kind of like my version of a journal, the mixture of anonymity and disclosure makes this place feel safe. That probably explains my huge rants that never seem to elicit response.

100% agree

Some things must be disclosed if there is any possibility of marriage in the couple's future. These things include (but are not limited to) children from past relationships, bad debt and bad credit, bankcruptcy, STDs, past abortions, criminal record, etc.

People have a right to know about their partner before committing to marriage. And you cannot make an informed decision if such issues as listed above are kept secret.

I feel that if you want a strong, lasting relationship it would be full disclosure .

Honesty is one of the key elements that a relationship's foundation is built on. No sense in building on a foundation that is less then solid if you want it to last.

If you feel you can't give full disclosure then maybe you need to evaluate the reasons you don’t feel you can give full disclosure and really think about where you want the relationship to go.