How much time do you devote to your relationship in a week?
 

At least for the ones that have been or are in them?

Is it sad that I asked this same question on a different forum exactly two years ago? And after I read it, nothing was any different in my life (except now I travel more and have less time).

I don't understand where I would ever find the time for a relationship, unless I change my life drastically. And even then, I would probably fall short time wise like I do now. Between my job, volunteering, working on projects, grocery shopping, watching TV, Internet, visiting family, traveling, sleeping, exercising, eating, shopping, reading, laundry, and cleaning; I probably only have 1 hour a week when I have nothing to do. When I was in school it wasn't much better, but I did have some friends I did stuff with that took up some time. I would often go to bed at 3-4am and get up at 7am back then too. I understand there are a few items that could be done together with your gf/bf, but I have to get stuff done and stay on schedule and I would be afraid that I would have to work in their to do items into my schedule as well. I know that I spend quite a bit of time on-line (~28 hours a week maybe), but if I reduce that to 7, I would need to give back the other 21 hours to sleep, cleaning, and just basic organization (my bedtime should be 10pm, but it is 2am right now). Yes, it would be better, but I don't think it is the solution. Is it true that if I was in a relationship I would have less of a need to go on-line? And what other things would change in my schedule? Which ones would get worse?

The biggest question is, how much time do you spend on the phone, writing e-mails, going out to restaurants, parties, cooking meals, taking walks in the park, talking to them on the couch, grocery shopping, hanging out, and in bed (sleeping or not sleeping ;) ).

The poll should have been
1-5
5-15
15-35
35+

And that doesn't count the time you are a sleep next to each other, although that would be nice.

Well, with the wife laid up, and considering I'm the one bringing home ALL the money and yet doing the largest portion of the household, I should put 35+. But actually spending time doing relationship type stuff as described, about 5~10. Just don't have time.....

I guess I don't really know what "time for a relationship" means. My marriage is pretty much integrated with the rest of my life... I don't think, "Oh man, I am spending WAY too much time on this relationship! I need to cut back!" :) It doesn't work that way, at least not for us, especially when we live together and don't have kids (since having kids takes away time for each other, though you're still working as a team to raise them).

Ever since my husband and I finally started cohabiting, we are pretty much together whenever we are not working. So that's in the morning before work, and in the evenings on weekdays (not including the twice-weekly excursion for his language classes, or our individual time surfing the internet in the evening... so subtract a couple of hours a day for that), and pretty much all but a couple of hours (sometimes) on the weekends. So I'd say at least 3-5 hours each weekday, and... 12 hours a day on weekends?

We do nearly all of our errands together (we only have one car, after all) and since we are living abroad and don't have many friends here, we don't have a lot of external socializing going on. That may change once we get back to the US, or at least I hope it will, but I still can't imagine that taking more than a couple of hours every week. We aren't far apart from each other when we're cleaning, cooking, doing other chores... and those don't really take long when you are doing them as a team. Apart from our circumstantial factors, we just REALLY love being around each other, even if we're just sitting next to each other while using our respective laptops... especially after two years of long-distance. That makes us appreciate all the moments we have together, I think.

There are many days when we go to bed at night and I think, "Man, I just can't get enough of this person," because I really can't. There's always more I want to talk about, laugh about, hear about, snuggle, have sex, basically love each other... and there just aren't enough hours in the day to get that all done. But I think it's a good thing to always have a little longing for that significant person in your life, just so that you don't take them for granted, and so that there's always something to look forward to doing with them. :)

Well, abaya's example aside (as she's so crazy in love it's a pleasure to read her write about her life), just because one runs errands with someone or does things with the SO does not in any way ensure that is time spent *working* on a relationship.

Have no SO atm, so cannot participate in the poll.

I understand that when you are in a relationship that you should try to find stuff to do together, and it might be hard to add up.

But, I am thinking about my life and how I would have to make dating/relationship the number 1 or 2 priority thing and try to do normal stuff with her, just to get a max of 10 hours a week. It might not even be that if we didn't live together. I barely have an hour a week to talk to my parents as it is, where would I find the time to talk to her everyday for instance? I don't know, but I think I need to work on time management issues for sure.

I'm with abaya on this... there is no "time on my relationship" it's just what it is.

I just asked her and she had the same reply... we don't really set aside time for each other because we just spend time together.

neither of us is very 'needy' and both of us are pretty good at sensing with the other needs attention (though neither of us would admit we want it, we do like some pampering from time to time).

The thing is we pay attention to each other's needs and make sure the other is happy... It's kind of selfish really. If I make her happy, I know I will be too (and vice versa).

If I want to compartmentalize my life like a school schedule then my relationship would turn into a robotic computerized lifestyle.

that to me would be B O R I N G.

I spend time with my SO because that's what and where I want to be. All the mundane things like going through the mail are better becuase I have someone to do those things with.

how many hours? I don't have a way of discerning. We also happen to work in the same office, so sometimes we work on projects together, have lunch together. Does that count as time spent together? or is it a coworker?

Whatever it is, love isn't the way you are living now. Unless of course you meet someone who's exactly into that lifestyle and likes to schedule time together in that manner.

Release yourself from the bondage of this notion and relax to the idea that your schedule changes because the priority of spending time with this person becomes more important to you emotionally and spiritually.

I'm assuming this is for people dating and not married? Cause Dave and I do that stuff all the time. We are alot like Abaya and her hubby.

We adore spending as much time together, doing...whatever we are doing. We dont really consider our "relationship" work or something we need to plan out...it just "is"

Man, I don't think it's time management you have an issue with... it's how you think about relationships (sorry if that sounds harsh, just being honest). :) "should... try... to find stuff to do?" To me, those 3 concepts aren't really part of a vocabulary of a serious, committed relationship (married or not), as most of us have already said. There aren't many "shoulds," or "trying" to find time or things to do... it just happens. In the right kind of relationship, that other person naturally becomes your #1 priority, and nurturing what you have with them becomes second nature. You don't think about "trying to get 10 hours a week" or something... it just happens.

Or if it doesn't, you notice... and it doesn't feel right. It feels like something big is missing from your life, like not eating well or keeping yourself hydrated or sleeping well. I mean, you don't "find time" to eat, drink, or sleep (heh, well, maybe you do, from the sounds of your schedule)... you just do it, without thinking or calculating. In a healthy relationship, spending time with each other happens because it's just essential to one's happiness, at least in my opinion.

Heck, even while running errands, ktspktsp and I talk about our days, hold hands in the car (between shifting gears), kiss and lean on each other sometimes, laugh and crack jokes at the grocery store... I dunno, it's just the way we are. Maybe we're just your typical cheesy newlyweds :D but I hope it's like this for the rest of our lives!

no 5 years later Skogafoss and I do these things as well. We much prefer to do these simple things together because it is hidden time we can get to spend together that is otherwise spent alone. Since we work in the same place, I sometimes commute home alone and my commute it noticibly different. Instead of just sitting there I find I'm trying to engage myself in some manner, ipod, reading books/news/magazine, chatting on the cellphone with a friend. On the way I stop at the grocery and pick up something for dinner, instead of turning around and saying "Do you think this is good?" I have to call, which invariably is not really a conversation more than,"I'm at the grocery what do you want me to get for dinner?" or "What else do we need besides milk?"

some may label it as codependent but I see it as wanting to spend time with her over doing something by myself.

Abaya, I think that's why it's important to not only marry the person you love, but also your best friend. That is the best combination imo. JJ and I have been married for over 6 years. It hasn't always been easy and we've been in some tough places. However, we don't see spending time together as separate from doing things that we want or like to do. As Abaya and others have mentioned. We enjoy movies so we watch them together and then use cheesy quotes from them. We enjoy video games so we play those together. We enjoy hiking and road trips so we spend time together then. It's not a separate part of our life, it is our life.

We actually spend a lot more time together than most because of one vehicle, working at the same place, and of course living together. What we found though, and I think this happens as time goes on in some relationships, is that we were together, but not together. We weren't communicating feelings and devoting time to keep the relationship going the way it should be. In short, we were taking each other for granted. So, while we were sitting in the same room, car, or place, we weren't really connecting. This was causing major problems and I'm glad that we realized the problems and found ways to fix them.

That's just another twist on the how much time do you devote to the relationship. We spend almost every moment in the same place, but we aren't together every moment. Like right now, we're in the same room, but I'm surfing the net and chatting with friends while he's playing video games.

For the OP. Spending quality time with a person you love should come naturally and generally it does. However, there are times when you have to put in a little more effort and time to really make it work if that's what you want. I don't think it should be a calculated thing with charts and graphs. Just find things you both enjoy and do them together. It doesn't take a lot of time, just sometimes creativity.

Yeah, my SO and I are the same--we're together, but not together, like you and JJ. I think it's the risk couples run when they live together. However, we recognize that time and also try to put in time every day that is time where we are together and interacting. We get coffee together in the mornings. We meet for lunch once a week or so. We go out on a date on Friday nights. We play frisbee together on a frisbee team on Wednesdays. We go to Saturday Market together.

I couldn't count how much time we put into our relationship in a week...it just happens. Yesterday we didn't have much direct interaction, because we were cleaning the house and then he decided to raid in World of Warcraft. And that's fine, because sometimes I do need some "Me Time".

And yes, if your partner is your best friend, this sort of thing occurs naturally, because you WANT to spend time with them. The time spent on our relationship is part conscious effort, part not--for instance, the date thing is a conscious effort, but other time we spend together is not. Either way--communication about how much time you spend together, and how that time is spent, is key.

35 hours or more. We spend a ton of time together. Of course, that is just my primary relationship... if we count our 'girlfriend'... the number of hours go up.

It's not about 'finding time' it's what I enjoy doing... so hence, my extra hobbies and activites usually include him. I have my own separate activities, but about 90% of what I enjoy in life includes him natually. So I don't really view it as a compartmentalized thing of 'relationship time.'
My husband is my best friend and I adore spending time doing things with him, talking to him, trying new places downtown etc. that's how our relationship has been since we met 11 years ago, we have always spent a ton of time together.

thanks,

sweetpea

We live together. I don't have a choice.



Sadly, I'd like it to be a lot less. She can be really annoying in the morning.

Actually, I do set aside time for Q - I have to. My schedule sucks, and it's only going to get worse. Last year, we both worked full time, and I had 4 nights of classes plus Friday night volunteering shifts. So we set aside every Saturday as "us time". That meant sleeping in together, running some errands, and usually doing something for dinner, and maybe going out to a movie or something. It was time that we specifically set aside because our lives were so busy, we weren't getting the usual evening chats or holding hands on the train like we used to.

Once life has settled again (in a couple of years), we'll go back to enjoying every night being a date night, with a few "other people" nights thrown in for variety.

Oh yea, I forgot about those days. We had a few years of that when I was working 2 jobs and then going back for my Master's degree. We also set aside some time on Saturday for us and Sunday morning. We would also try to eat dinner together every night. But yes, there are situations where together time does have to be scheduled. I don't miss those days at all.

1-5 hours

I get to chat online with him most days, usually for almost an hour. Much better than I was expecting, really. :)

^ What she said! :)

The only time we are not togther is when I'm at work. We have no outside interests from each other and all of our hobbies are shared. And I secretly feel proud when I see female friends of hers out shopping by themselves or when the salesladies make a big deal of how "good" I'm being while she shops.

We exercise, take trips, go to movies, garden, shop, watch TV, attend sporting events, eat, listen to music, act in plays, attend seminars, attend concerts, go to the doctor/dentist, take community service classes, pay bills, work in the yard, play with cats, and EVERYthing together. We belong together. We were meant to be together.

When I am off work or on vacation, we are together until I fall asleep. Neither of us have any friends that aren't friends with both of us.

I wouldn't WANT to find something to do that didn't involve Grancey.