Ignoring the monster in the room
 

for the title, i was trying to remember that saying...went something like ignoring the bright red...monster? on the carpet/floor/rug?

Anyways, on to the actual question. Sometimes I say things I shouldn't, especially online. For instance, I'm friends with this couple around my age, we were at a party, and I very jokingly flirted with his girlfriend. (things like "youll never get into my pants with that attitude!") She responded in kind, and we had a rise out of our friend. He also joked back, but I sensed some real jealousy there.

So a few days later we're chatting back and forth through an email, and I call attention to the fact I'd realized I hit a soft spot in his jealousy. Tried to reassure him that we were just kidding and I'd never do anything behind his back. So he ignores that paragraph completely in his response, and just responds to the stuff we'd been chatting about.

Now similar things have happened before. I'll be way more directly honest and straightforward than most people are used to, and sometimes they just out right ignore what I said.

Now my question, why do they ignore it? Is it because they disagree with me and secretly hate me for bringing it up? Or are they just too embarrassed to respond? Or they just don't think it needs a response?

I know it can have different answers based on the person and the conversation. But I'm not a subtle guy, I really don't understand the social subtleties. Like I can fake it, but it just doesn't make sense to me to not say what you mean. So maybe some wiser people can help me understand why some people just ignore things.

It's tough to admit something got to you. Seretogis just got to me a minute ago, and I found myself typing and retyping a response, or even thinking about ignoring it.

People don't like to show their vulnerabilities.

We like to play the game with each other, though.

That is the draw, that is the motivation.

Man, I need to post something on this...

I got me another Henry Rollins pontification!

Most people can't handle that much truth. I get those kinds of responses sometimes too. Just be you, seriously... maybe he's too shy/proud/embarassed/whatever to admit it, but I bet he feels better now that you've said that. (Who wouldn't, even if that's embarassing to admit they were jealous?) People will either get used to it, or not. I'd bet he'll get used to it.

Well, when you point out a negative point about a person, they can either own up to it, cuss you out for saying so and deny it, or just ignore it altogether and hope you don't point it out again. I think you know which option he went with. :)

People frequently do not like a spotlight put on their shortcomings/flaws/etc. Personality traits perceived as negatives are no different.

I'd ignore you too... because you were pretty much an ass to him... first you flirt with his girlfriend, then call him out on getting jealous. Why would he respond to it with anything but anger? Maybe he's being nice by letting it slide this time.

On more than a few occasions, I have left an aquaintance relationship when I simply didn't enjoy the company anymore. Getting to know someone takes time, and there is a period of evaluation that can go either way. Interpreting intent during that time is very hard to do, and can easily lead to misunderstanding and disinterest. It may be you stepped over a line during evaluation....but who knows other than the one evaluating.

Reread what I said. It was very obviously not real flirting.

Also we're still friends, I see him every month, and he didn't act any different toward me in real life. Just ignored what I'd said completely.

Also, I didn't directly say he was jealous or anything like that, just reassured him.

So I guess he was either offended, embarrassed, angry or just didn't know what to say. All of which I can't truly understand myself because I always reply to what someone has said in that type of situation.

Maybe he's far more secure and classy about who he is and knows there's no need to "fuel a fire" that was no big deal in the first place....

If he is still friends with you, that is a good sign. Maybe you are thinking too deeply about it. The fact that you already said something to reassure him in an e-mail that also included other topics, and he replied to that e-mail (despite ignoring the jealousy part) means that he read it. I think in his heart, he is happy enough just to know you are not serious about flirting.

It's human nature to ignore the obvious and be concerned about that chance, however slim it may be, that the "bad thing" can happen. You may be 99.9% sure of something, but its always that .1% that gnaws away at your gut, keeps you up at night or keeps you looking over your shoulder.

It's obvious that the innocent flirting bothers him, I'd just put an end to it and chalk it up to experience.

I'm gonna go ahead and side with the ignoring friend. To me, there is no such thing as harmless flirting. If you'd been my friend and flirted with my girlfriend in any way I'd be mad at you as well and would not want to bring up or comment on the issue so long as it doesn't happen again.

Or

E) He doesn't really care enough to respond.

Are you absolutely SURE he was jealous? Could he have been playing along with the jealous boyfriend routine?

Is it possible that you were externalizing how YOU would feel/act in that situation?

That's pretty much how I would respond in the same situation; ie, if a guy was flirting with my wife and then EMAILED me about how I was jealous. I would just ignore the email because it would seem to me like the guy was TRYING to get my goat.

(BTW - I'm not the jealous type. Would I be upset if my wife acted upon a flirtation? Probably.)

Edited for clarity.

Most of you aren't understanding me. That specific instance was just an example in the first place. My question wasn't specific to that. I really don't care if some of you think I was an asshole to my friend, cause my friend clearly doesn't feel that way and nor do I. There's nothing wrong with joking about sex if all parties concerned don't care and that is very much the atmosphere with that group of friends.

So, nevermind.

I don't have anything to add, I follow the general consensus that it's probably bothering you more than him.

All I really wanted to say is that the saying is "Ignoring the 500 pound gorilla in the room." :D

(after re-reading last post) I'm a bit disappointed that everybody is using your example as a specific, because the concept that you're going for is interesting. Personally the only times that I "avoid the gorilla" is if either the response is going to be hurtful to the other person and won't further the discussion or resolve anything, or if it's an issue that's already been discussed repeatedly and we've come to the conclusion that there is no solution or compromise. I had a roommate that was EXCEPTIONAL at bringing up these conversations and she would rail on me to no end that I refused to talk about them, she would push until I would finally snap and say the hurtful thing that I'd been keeping to myself and then she'd get upset at me for being mean.

So my take is highly subjective, I don't do it because it's not worth furthering the fight or because I care about the person that the topic would hurt.

I'm currently ignoring an 800 lb gorilla (liquidlight, I'm fairly certain the saying is an 800 lb gorilla, not 500) :D.

I threw a bridal shower for a good friend on Saturday and she was a total bitch to me the entire night. Actually had me in tears for much of the evening. As the guest of honor, you aren't supposed to make the hostess cry. For the record, I would like to state that this is the first time since middle school that I've cried over something a girl has said to me.

I'm ignoring this (although I'm venting about it to you guys) because I assume that she's going through extraordinary stress due to her upcoming wedding, and I don't want to fan the fire. She may not even realize just *how* rude she was to me Saturday.

By the time her wedding comes and goes (Aug 11), it will probably have been too long for me to bring it up to her. "Hey, remember how, like a month ago, you were a bitch? Yeah... that sucked." So, I'm pretty much going to have to swallow this for the rest of my life. And yea, she'll be around forever... her fiance' is my husband's very best friend since kindergarten.

But what am I supposed to do? Make her feel shitty just because I do? Two wrongs don't make a right. Wait a year and then make her feel guilty becasue I never said anything? Again, two wrongs don't make a right. So I ignore the 800 lb (or 500 lb) gorilla. :(

Ah.

It wasn't very clear to me in your original post that you were just using the situation as an example. For example, I would have said, "For example, etc." and then I would have followed up with, "I'm just using this as an example to illustrate the point."

When you said, "Why do <i>they</i> ignore it?" I had the impression that you were referring to the explicit person you were talking about in your example rather than a generic "they."

My mistake.

You have pretty much answered your own question though. People ignore the "touchy subjects" for a variety of reasons.

Ignoring it could just be his way of saying it's a done issue. No need in talking about something that is over.

**Edited for double post.**

Don't you love that?