New relationship = Leave your friends behind?
 

So tell me this:

When you get newly involved in a relationship, how common is it to leave your friends behind?

For me, my friends are my friends. I make time to see and chat with my friends while I start dating someone new and don't take them for granted. As any relationship (friendships included) I think they all require your attention and TLC and neglecting them only leads to trouble....

If a person neglects their friends (we're talking all contact: communications, outings etc) as if they are no longer friends during the corse of dating this new person, do you find it reasonable? Would you expect in a few months (2, 3, 4, 5, or even 6...) for those friends to still be there, waiting around?

I'm interested in people's experiences and their views on this. I know it truly bothers/upsets some people for their friends to get so involved in a new relationship that it feels like they've dropped from the face of the earth, but I'm also wondering..... Is this to be expected? Should the friends be understanding and let it go - or do they have a right to be frustrated with the situation?

ugh... someone is going to say it... I may as well say it before anyone else...

Bros before hoes
It's absurd.

As time has tested the mettle of my friends. Work, geography, and other factors all play into not spending time with friends.

Cyn pretty much nailed it. I'm still good friends with people that live in Michigan even since I've moved to Arizona. With my ex-gf, I didn't spend very much time with my friends at all for a long while. You know what? They were my friends, and hence still there when I plucked my head from my ass.

The flipside is, no matter how great the relationship, that girl (or guy) can't be you ONLY friend. You really do need to spend time with other people, regardless. It's unhealthy otherwise.

I think that you grow and change over the years. Things you have in common with frineds today change, especially when you move. It's hard enough to keep a relationship growing together with a spouse, much less a friend.

I've evolved through many friends over the years. I keep in touch with several but we really don't share much in common today. When we do chat the conversation eventually move back to discussing the good old days.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a present. I tend to live in the now and consider the future. The past is behind me and, although I often feel nostalgic, it is still the past and is a part of my overall memory.

The best relationships I've had are when both her and I have had our own group of friends. We would be able to hang out with just each other, or with our friends, or one with the other group of friends and vice-versa. The two groups of friends getting together was rare, and not at all necessary. I found that very healthy, much healthier than spending ALL our time with each other, or one person spending ALL their time with just the other person's friend and neglecting their own.

Part of what I look for in a relationship is that she has her own group of friends and can at least tolerate mine.

I think that this phenomenon of "ignoring your friends when starting a new relationship" is more prevalent in younger people. The line of thinking is something like "If I don't spend all of my time with my S.O. then I might lose him/her." It seems to be territorial ... ie. if you aren't with that person then someone else must be and jealousy steps in and it gets ugly.

As you mature you begin to realize that it's all just bullshit. There is no need to spend ALL OF YOUR TIME with your S.O. It requires a certain amount of trust and faith. These are things that we learn over time.

The sad part is that a LOT of people never make it past this teen-age way of thinking--which is what makes the T.V. show COPS so much fun to watch.

You know, what's funny is that the opposite happened to me when I got involved with my SO. My friends all but disappeared off the face of the planet after we started dating, and when I called them on it, they said they figured I wanted "space" for my new relationship. Well, isn't it my call to decide how to balance my life?

Like all things in life--it's about balance. We can't expect even the most intense coupling to meet all of our emotional needs, and it stresses our relationship when we expect our partner to be everything we need, rolled into one package.

I agree with xepheyrs. You change as you grow up. I rarely see my best friend growing up because he refuses to mature. The few times I have hung out with him, he either A) Comes over high or drunk or B) Gets high or drunk while there. Not that I have a huge problem with that in itself, but it was EVERY time I saw him, and he's a nasty drunk and feels its appropriate to smack womens asses when he is. With that said though, I would do anything for him if I could, he is still my friend.

But I have newer, more mature friends now who don't have to be wasted 24/7 to enjoy life.

I'd at least go out of my way to keep in touch with your friends, to ensure that you stay just that. What happens when the new relationship doesn't work out, and the people you thought were still your friends are no longer there for you? It can make for some lonely nights.

On the contrary to what Kurty[B] said, my best relationships were those that shared similar groups of friends for a number of reasons. My most recent ex had an ENTIRELY different group of friends than me, in every aspect imaginable. I hated every one of them (drug addicts, drag queens, immature drama, etc etc).

With my current girlfriend though, we share a common group for the most part. She knows she can trust me if I need to go out with the guys, and vice versa if she needs a girls night out. We can spend MORE time together, because there is less allocating of time to spend with each others individual groups of friends, and all in all, it's working out quite nicely.

That's why I mentioned being able to tolerate my friends, and that goes vice-versa for me. If I can't even stand being around her friends, or she can't stand being around mine that won't work. I don't expect my friends to become friends with hers though.

yeah its kind of a tightrope act.

brush off your guy friends too much and they'll stop wanting to hang out eventually, or replace you with another friend, brush off your girl friend, and she'll replace you too.