Problems with a lazy spouse
 

Good day,

I'm looking for suggestions on how to deal with a spouse who doesn't feel the need to do a whole lot around the house. This has been an ongoing issue that has been discussed on a number of occasions, and I'm getting to the end of my rope. Today while washing the kitchen floor, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms & doing a couple loads of laundry, Mrs. Foil successfully accomplished keeping the couch firmly in place in the living room, just in case gravity went out for a few minutes. Oh, and I took care of the spawn's breakfast, lunch, bottle and various diaper changes.

Hell, getting her to water plants often takes longer than simply doing it myself.

She's not currently working, so it's not as though her weekend is her only downtime and the spawn goes to daycare 4 out of 5 days a week, both for the interaction with other children but also so we don't loose one of the few daycare spots in the only daycare that will deal with children using clothe diapers. We're hoping Mrs. Foil does get another jorb.

I'm not terribly picky about cleanliness in many things, other than dishes having to be done nightly, so I don't believe I am asking for much for atleast help with half of the work. Hell, some days I am content with her simply cleaning up after herself, which seems to be a chore in and of itself.

The ironic bit is that a year and a bit ago, my sister and her son lived with us and my wife often complained that my sister would do nothing to help out.

As I mentioned above, it has been discussed and after discussing it, things are fine for a few weeks up to a month or two, and things return to normal. I've tried just letting things go, but her ability to ignore things far surpasses mine, it would seem.

Have you ever thought that she might suffer from depression?

That is one of my biggest symptoms of depression--no desire to better my living situation either by cleaning my home, caring for myself in more than the basic ways, and I largely ignore my personal business/pestering from other people to improve myself.

It might be something she's always had and so she's never really thought about it as being out of the ordinary, and neither have you, but that kind of laziness is abnormal. Counseling, a visit to the doctor--all of these things may be in order--counseling especially since this seems to be putting quite a strain on your marriage.

Depression is a possibility. Still, as a partner in the marriage she shares the responsibilities with you. She should clean, and you should clean.

Now ya know, I hadn't thought of that. As she was recently laid off, I do suppose that is a very real possibility. I can certainly understand that. Thanks for the thought, I will talk with her about that. Having suffered from it myself for a little while, I can understand how it interferes with that. However, during my depression, it went the opposite way, but each to a different drummer.

Thank you very much for the insightful reply!

Willtravel, a part of me believes that as well. At first all of it did, but after onesnowyowl's post, there is another part of me kicking myself for being such a twat. Still, I agree with you. At some point one has to stop ignoring one's responsibilities around the house.

Hmmm. Sounds like something my wife pulled. In my case, I asked her to go to the grocery store being that it's an activity that needs to be done AND something that she seems to like.

Today she said she wasn't feeling well despite the fact that I've gone for the last times including two weeks ago when I was sick as a dog. Well, in my case she gets a day off now and then. I'm just glad that gravity didn't go off.

Does she get out at all and does she have friends? This is connected with the depression thing, but staying cooped up (even if it is her choice) will make her uninterested in her surroundings. If she gets out, she will see the bigger picture.


Thats my input, keep us all updated! Snowy owl, very unexpected response but very very insightful!

How old is the baby? I ask because for up to two years following birth, post-partem depression can occur. What is her sleeping pattern like? Does she spend 'quality time' with the baby, ie; reading, playing, etc. What does she do while the baby's in daycare?
Are you living where there is winter? She could be in the midst of SADD.
Is she also letting her personal appearance fall apart? Have her eating habits changed for the worse? Her sleeping habits? Does she 'complain' of maladies, such as stomach or headache, heartburn? Is she combatant at all? Or just not at all communicative?
Any more than one 'yes' to the above, and she's in a depression; it could very well be post-partem. In any case, you need to speak with her without anger or frustration and help her to get help. If you can't, enlist the help of a trusted family member, preferrably her mother or sister-anyone she'd relate to. Good luck.

Something that worked when I had flat-mates was to keep a chores diary - just jot down what you do and how long you spend doing it.

Psychologists tell us* that men note how long they spend or how hard they work (i.e. washing the car is more of a job than doing the laundry), but women count tasks (so separating the colours and whites, loading the wshing machine, transfering to the dryer, and then folding the dry clothes is for times the work of painting the outside of the house).

This may help her to realise how much work each of you is doing.

It is vital that this is a participative, non-confrontational activity.

NOTE*: This is a gross oversimplification - please do not pick holes in it; it's illustrative, rather than total.

Wow, these are some very good and insightful responses.

ngdawg, I can answer yes to many of those. Very interesting!

I'll keep y'all updated.

Maybe she's just lazy ...

Well, as one really lazy person, I do just enough to make her happy... But, when I was without work, I did nothing, zip nada. I won't admit it, but I probably was a bit depressed. I say that loosing a job is one way to put you in a different state of mind in a hurry, and without realization. Good luck with this.

Give her a few days, and see what becomes. Start asking her to do small things, maybe a list. Reward her for doing things if it comes to that.

Update!

Mrs. Foil and I chatted a bit last evening about this and she offered up nothing really about being depressed or such, however she wsasn't able to offer any real reason for not helping out around the house.

I came home today to find laundry done, vacuuming of floors & furniture done! After picking my jaw up from the floor, I thanked her very much.

She did ask why her mother and I are always surprised when she does housework. I chose to ignore that one.

I was reading over this earlier and your predicament came to mind while doing so.

Ch'i - that is so interesting! Thanks!

But at the same turn, I wonder what we do to deal with this since this could be the case? does this prove nagging does not work? or do this prove you have to be more fun and forget the house chores?

I wonder....

Well, you always catch more flies with honey...if only to kill them afterwards.

I also immediately thought of depression. I suffer from depression, as well, and I know somedays it seems a feat to even get out of bed in the morning. I am generally a very busy and successful person, but depression makes me VERY lazy and whiny and like onesnowy said...I ignore my health and appearance.

Remember to keep communicating with your wife, and if the "laziness" continues, make sure you ask her what's up. I'm sure she could benefit from counselling.

Woops, I guess I didn't read this update.

Sultana - giggle. I feel like this has happened at certain places of employment for myself.

*back to issue at hand*

Not to thread jack but I have a very strong suspicion my wife is experiencing post partum. She always says nothing is wrong or that she is just tired but I hope that there is something and she hasn't stopped loving me.

Is there anything at all I can do to help her? She says nothing is wrong so her talking to a professional is probably out but what can I do on a daily basis to help her?

Again, sorry to threadjack but the more I read here the more it made sense to me.

Your choice to ignore that comment was probably a good one, but it also speaks directly to the point. Your wife may be feeling a counter-pressure to 'do her part' since you 'thank her very much' when she simply holds up her end of the bargain. Rather than thanking her, you should both expect that the other will do their part. This is not to say that you shouldn't be kind and happy that she is doing her part in the household. Just that overtly thanking her may make her feel like she is only doing this as a favor to you rather than doing it out of pride and respect for herself. Perhaps I am reading too much into it from my own situation.

Depression is an already stated possibility. I can understand how difficult this is to deal with. If the other party is not willing to recognize the problem as depression, how can you get them to seek help?

Keep us posted.

Truth! I struggle with this too, sometimes I feel like the hub wants a medal every time a minimal task is done...so much praise, all the time! It doesn't help when I get snarky and think him for flushing the toilet and wiping his butt, lol.

I tend to be on the lazy side of things. I'll admit it. In my defense I work 10 hours most days. So that when I am actually home I'm not in the mood to do much of anything.

Luckily Alpha phi and I have a new agreement since our move and my new career. I do not want him to work full time. If he wants a part time job, fine. He stays home, cleans, cooks, etc.. Yeah I'm spoiled :) I help out if he asks me too or I notice he needs help with laundry ect...
Constant communication is the only thing that can keep it working. It may seem like nagging her but you may have to bring it up many many times to get through.

It certainly sounds like depression.

Keep talking, keep badgering, but most of all, LISTEN.