Answering machine at a mental ward
 

Answering machine at the Mental Hospital

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hospital:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are a co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.* Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to
the mother ship.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, no one will answer.
*
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key
until a representative comes on the line.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y &
c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0-0-0.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before
or after the beep.* Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.* If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9.* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.* Our operators are too
busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.*
You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

I've spent mucho time at a large hospital the last few weeks. A few days ago the elevator stopped at floor 5. Neither myself nor the other passenger - wearing an RN badge - had hit the "5" button. The doors opened but nobody was evident. The lighting was dim, darkening around the corners out of sight like a scene from Doom3. Unusual. It was entirely silent. I mumbled something like "first time I've seen this floor." To this my co-pilot mentioned "It's the mental health floor." There was what seemed like a 10-minute pause while we waited for the elevator doors to close again.

Mental health is a delicate state.