The Hamster and the Vet - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

blindawg · 05-13-2003, 07:35 AM

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner
in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him
into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?
I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her,
(in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed
me.
(Again with the sarcasm, you think?) By now the rest of the family had
gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great!
What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?"
my wife wanted to know.
(I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling,
what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot
when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared.
I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young.
I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room
and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I
gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy." "What?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male.
And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species,
the um...um.. masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well,you know what I'm saying, Mr.Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing
that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to
my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its...teeny
little..."
she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters
and our son back into the car.
He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks
Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker.
....................................Priceless!!!!!

bryanzera · 05-13-2003, 07:48 AM

Nothing is funnier than the truth ... Great story!

xavier · 05-13-2003, 08:42 AM

really cute, funny

clifclav · 05-13-2003, 11:33 AM

very funny. thanks

zaiaz · 05-13-2003, 11:53 AM

LMAO woohoo....what a wanker.

Crooky · 05-13-2003, 12:35 PM

That's hilarious. You pulled his goalie. Hahahahaha!

Minx · 05-13-2003, 12:36 PM

***wiping tears of laughter away
Good one!

ironman · 05-13-2003, 01:29 PM

He he!

wakelagger · 05-13-2003, 01:34 PM

bwahahahahhahahahahha

miked10270 · 05-13-2003, 02:09 PM

That was superb... Thank you.

Mike.

gar1976 · 05-13-2003, 04:42 PM

In the 7th grade, our science class had a pet hamster, and during movies some kids would have the hamster on the desk and pet it. One time, a kid named James had the hamster, and was petting it like crazy, and the fat little guy started squirming against the desk, and them *splurt*! The top of the desk was covered in hamster jizz.

DarkerCourse · 05-13-2003, 05:02 PM

Poor dad, he was so unsuspecting

GoldenOuroboros · 05-13-2003, 05:42 PM

Oh man, haha.. That's just freaky and so funny.. poor bugger lol

05-13-2003, 07:35 AM	#1 (permalink)
blindawg Lord over all I survey Location: Northern Michigan	The Hamster and the Vet If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy." "What?" "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, the um...um.. masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well,you know what I'm saying, Mr.Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. 2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks... 1 - Cage - 20 bucks Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks... Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker. ....................................Priceless!!!!! __________________ ( • Y • ) I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. ( • Y • ) - Jack Handey

05-13-2003, 11:33 AM	#4 (permalink)
clifclav absolute relativist Location: D.C.	very funny. thanks __________________ Neither rain , nor cold, nor dark of night shall.......ahh whatever, just get me a beer!

05-13-2003, 11:53 AM	#5 (permalink)
zaiaz Psycho Location: State of confusion...wait that's medication.	LMAO woohoo....what a wanker. __________________ Self destruction - "Its my Nature", said the Scorpion...

05-13-2003, 12:35 PM	#6 (permalink)
Crooky Upright Location: Canada	That's hilarious. You pulled his goalie. Hahahahaha! __________________ "Doors aren't like assholes! They don't shut themselves!"

05-13-2003, 12:36 PM	#7 (permalink)
Minx Junkie Location: Up yonder	***wiping tears of laughter away Good one! __________________ You've been a naughty boy....go to my room!

05-13-2003, 07:48 AM	#2 (permalink)
bryanzera Crazy Location: Fresno, CA	Nothing is funnier than the truth ... Great story!

05-13-2003, 08:42 AM	#3 (permalink)
xavier Upright Location: Missouri	really cute, funny

05-13-2003, 01:29 PM	#8 (permalink)
ironman Smithers, release the hounds Location: Guatemala, Guatemala	He he! __________________ If I agreed with you we´d both be wrong

05-13-2003, 01:34 PM	#9 (permalink)
wakelagger Insane Location: Toronto	bwahahahahhahahahahha

05-13-2003, 02:09 PM	#10 (permalink)
miked10270 Banned Location: Scotland	That was superb... Thank you. Mike.

05-13-2003, 04:42 PM	#11 (permalink)
gar1976 Custom User Title Location: Lurking. Under the desk.	In the 7th grade, our science class had a pet hamster, and during movies some kids would have the hamster on the desk and pet it. One time, a kid named James had the hamster, and was petting it like crazy, and the fat little guy started squirming against the desk, and them splurt! The top of the desk was covered in hamster jizz.

05-13-2003, 05:02 PM	#12 (permalink)
DarkerCourse Banned	Poor dad, he was so unsuspecting

05-13-2003, 05:42 PM	#13 (permalink)
GoldenOuroboros The Cheshire Grin... Location: An Aussie Outback	Oh man, haha.. That's just freaky and so funny.. poor bugger lol __________________ Can you see me grin grin grrriiiiinnnning?!