things my girlfriend and I have argued about

[yatzr]

http://www.thingsmygirlfriendandihavearguedabout.com/

this site is hilarious (I don't think it's been posted before). It's just one guy that describes all the various arguments he's had with his gf/wife (i'm not quite sure which). I read about a third of it so far. It's incredibly long, but here's a part that stuck out to me. If you find a good one on there, post it.

We have shower issues. Today I had a shower and she's put out some kind of weird cosmetic soap. I flinch at the idea of guessing how much this soap must have cost because it's utterly rubbish, which is usually a good indication of knee-buckling expense (Cotton flannel - 50p, Skin-lacerating wad woven from dried bark and nasal hair by Amazonian tribeswomen who will use whatever money they make from the sale to buy cotton flannels - £12.50). This soap did not wash, but instead covered me in an iridescent film of grease - and, sadly, I'd made a last minute change of plans and decided to spend today sitting in front of the TV rather than swimming The Channel. Tch - irony, eh? Anyway, I had to have another wash to remove this oleaginous soap from me.

This was the Third Thing. I'll come to the Second Thing in a moment, but the First Thing is the ferocity of our shower. British showers are risible, this is a fact. Most people's noses run faster than the average British shower and one of Margret's longest held desires has been to get a shower like those in Germany. Thus, she got one fitted when we moved to the new house here and it is, indeed, German. Now, as much as I'm against the feebleness of British showers, I must ask if it's entirely necessary that a shower should hurt? This thing has a setting called 'massage' and it's not a massage. A massage involves relaxation, the soft, enquiring hands of a 22-year-old Scandinavian woman, and possibly an exchange of cash. The setting on this shower ought more accurately to be labelled 'Jumped By Thugs', you could mount the thing on top of a truck and use it to crush riots.

This is all the more horrific when we approach the Second Thing. Because not only does Margret leave our shower set to maim, she also leaves it on cold.
Margret has cold showers first thing in the morning. How unsurprising is that? In fact, I could have just left the rest of this page blank and merely put at the top 'Margret has cold showers first thing in the morning' and everyone reading would have been able to infer the rest. I, it won't surprise you to learn, don't like mornings to begin with, and definitely don't want to find a cold shower lurking anywhere in them. Today, then, I stumbled sleepy-eyed into the shower, wrenched it on, and was immediately hit by a roar of icy water travelling at twelve-hundred miles an hour. My 'O'-eyed, bared-teeth face is going to be stuck like this for a week. Then, once I'd scrambled the settings back to within human limits, I got to cover myself in grease.
Words will be exchanged.

I can't help but laugh every single time I read "The setting on this shower ought more accurately to be labelled 'Jumped By Thugs'"

[coash]

haahahah grease soap again

[Peetster]

Pretty funny stuff.

These guys have issues and need to talk.

[tekaweni]

hahahaha oh thats hilarious, its not often i literally laugh out loud but i just did now!

[Paq]

HOLY SHIT!!! HE"S DATING MY EX GF!!!!


seriously, she was german(half...mother was full german) and she was the most vicious, non sexual person i've ever dated...

this sounds just like her...

edit:
and i have just wasted several hours reading this...seriously...hours...

[Vizzini]

She really over-reacts whenever she catches me wearing her underwear

and

Margret flooded the kitchen last week. Turned the taps on, put the plug in the sink, and utterly forgot about it (because she'd come upstairs and we'd got involved in an unrelated argument). She goes back downstairs, opens the door and - whoosh - it's Sea World. The interesting thing about this is, if I'd flooded the kitchen, it would have been a bellowing, 'You've flooded the kitchen, you idiot!' and then she'd have done that thing where I curl up in a ball, trying to protect my head, and she kicks me repeatedly in the kidneys. As it was, however, there's a shout, I run downstairs and stand for a beat in the doorway - taking in the scene, waves lapping gently at my ankles - and she turns round and roars, 'Well, help me then - can't you see I've flooded the kitchen, you idiot?'


LOL
This is good stuff.

[MooseMan3000]

oh GOD that's fucking good. Thank you, yatzr.

[yatzr]

some more good ones i found

Margret is sitting at this computer (which is in the attic room, incidentally) typing something. I'm flopped in a chair close by with a paper and pad, scribbling away at a bit of work.
I pause and say to her, 'Tortoise and turtle is the same word in German, isn't it?'
She stops typing, reaches over, pulls off one of my Birkenstock shoes, throws it down through trapdoor (I hear it thud below, then flip-flop down the stairs) and returns to her typing. All in a single, silent movement.
Your guess is as good as mine, frankly.

We had an earthquake here the other week. Surprisingly, I'm not being metaphorical. I mean we had an actual earthquake: in the geological rather than the emotional sense. It happened at about one o'clock in the morning, we were pretty close to the epicentre, and it was 4.8 on the Richter scale. Now, I'm depressingly aware that all you Californians are right now glancing up from your crystals and pausing mid-mantra to snort, '4.8? Poh. That's not an earthquake, that's just someone slamming a door.' Well, yes, I suppose it's all relative, but here in England where tectonics is less brash and showy, 4.8 is easily vulgar enough to stand out.
The important thing is that just before 1 A.M. the whole house shook. Naturally, this woke us up. Cupboards rattled and banged, furniture shivered across the floor, the bed struggled like it was possessed by the spirit of a wild animal that was trying to get out. The instant it ended, Margret's freshly woken face slid in front of me. Her voice irritated and her eyes accusatively thin, she hissed, 'Was that you?'

[Keedo]

hehe, very good

[Stoneygirl76]

I feel really sorry for that guy.

[denim]

They've got a kid. I feel for the kid, too.

[Rubyee]

I get accused of hoarding things by Margret. Now, this is entirely unfair - electrical items never die, you see, I am merely unable to revive them with today's technology. In the future new techniques will emerge and, combined with the inevitably approaching shortage of AC adapters and personal cassette players, my foresight will pay off and the grateful peoples of the Earth will make me their God. Anyway, never mind that now, because the real point is that it's Margret who fills our house with crap. And I'm not talking about doing so by the omission of crap-throwing-away here, but by insane design. While sorting out the stuff in the boxes, these are some of the things I've discovered that Margret actually packed away at our last house and brought to our new one:

Look, if you don't understand the rules of Robot Wars by now then I'm just not going to continue the conversation, OK?

'I'm nearly there.' Yeah. Right.

These are hilarious. Seriously. I wonder what these women must really be like. I could never imagine being like that myself.

However, if I was her, and I found out about this website, he would be castrated by now.

[Kazic]

Originally posted by yatzr
[url]I can't help but laugh every single time I read "The setting on this shower ought more accurately to be labelled 'Jumped By Thugs'"

I laughed out loud at that point. thats just hilarious.
No idea why this guy dosen't kill her and dump the body is beyond me. heh

[jwoody]

That's the most entertaining read I've had in ages. Cheers.

[Redlemon]

Before you feel too sorry for him, read the FAQ page; especially the FAQs for Americans.

[losthellhound]

I havent laughed that hard in a long time.. Its like Douglas Adams writing about a bad relationship

[pta200]

HAHAHAHAHA!

[phathom]

This is all the more horrific when we approach the Second Thing. Because not only does Margret leave our shower set to maim, she also leaves it on cold.

that one is even better, not jumped by thugs, but to MAIM as in it will literally maim you and freeze you at the same time, rather be jumped by thugs than maimed.

[PayUp]

This guys stories are fantastic. I'm on his mailing list. Always some crazy story.

[yatzr]

Originally posted by redlemon
Before you feel too sorry for him, read the FAQ page; especially the FAQs for Americans.

agreed. It's just their chemistry. I'd say they enjoy it really.

Margret: 'You don't need to get me a bloody Valentine's Day card!'
(I can't imagine what makes her think she's going to get away with this move - she must be getting old.)
Mil: 'Too bad! Because I'm getting you a Valentine's Day card! And I'm posting it to you! Tomorrow! When I go to town!'
Margret: 'THERE'S NO BLOODY NEED!'
Mil: 'WELL IT'S GOING TO BLOODY HAPPEN - GET USED TO IT!'
And, indeed, I do go to town, buy her a card, and post it. Inside I write, 'Surprise!' She gets it on Valentine's Day and says, 'Thank you,' to me, through gritted teeth. (She gets me one too, by the way - it reads, "I'm not interested in a nice, normal relationship... I like ours better.")
Odysseus and Penelope? Pah - lightweights.

[hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm]

Hilarious. Awesome Post.

[teethman]

heh, thats pretty good.

[blindawg]

I saw that sight a few years ago.. and stumbe across it every now and them.. it still cracks me up every time

[braindamage351]

I read the entire thing.

[whocarz]

"Are you and Margret married?

No. The clue there would be in the 'girlfriend' bit. We've been together for, at time of writing, about fifeen years, however, and fully expect to be together until death. Longer if Margret dies first as she's made it known she intends to haunt me - appearing suddenly in front of my car while I'm out driving at high speed on wet roads, that kind of thing."

That's fucking awesome.