I Guess This Is Goodbye (the perfect break up letter)
 

Dear Terri:

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.

The day you left, l swore I'd never talk to you again.

But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking.

Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. l guess my pride needed that.

But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things.

I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. l don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says...

"There's no one like you, Terri."

I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at the Rainbow Room and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, Terri, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Fuck you wouldn't believe it and a butt like a tortoise shell.

Every man's dream, right?

But as I sat on the couch being blown by this coed, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so surface. What does a perfect body mean?

Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes.

But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Terri? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a quart of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?"

It wasn't just her flawless technique or her fucking, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Terri, to watch.

Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you, baby. Jesus, Terri, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mum we met at Mt.Sinai Baptist Church? Well, she drops by last week with a pan of lasagne.She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we have a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're kissing in our old bedroom. And this broad's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about God and her career and whether the kids can hear us.

And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Terri ever put the mirror on the floor?

We've had this old vanity for, what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid." (Some of this I thought about later.) You know what I mean? What happened to our spontaneity? You get so caught up in the routine of a marriage and you just lose sight of each other. And then you lose yourself.

That's the saddest part of all for me.

But I keep thinking we can get it back. I know we can, because I only want this stuff with you. Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Shannon's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders. She's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. (She's pulling for us to get back together, Terri. She really is.)

So we're drinking in the hot tub and talking about happier times.

Here's this hot girl with the same DNA as you (although, let's face it, she got an extra helping of the sexy gene) and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Shannon's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it. And how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside the steaming hot Dutch oven of your sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, baby.

In your heart you know it.

Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. I keep thinking that I think if you'd just try it, I wouldn't have to pressure you so much. Because who needs all that bitterness, Terri? It just tears us apart. And I can't be apart from you.

Because I love you, God help me but I do.

Yours,
Bill

Sad story, but funny at the same time.

I might now be sober right now but it seems like you might need a psychiatrist.

heheheh. A long read, but funny none the less.

really funny stuff... might be funnier if it was real

That gave me a good chuckle. Good one.

I was mortified, and yet completely entertained. That was pure awesomeness!

What a pearler. :lol:

The guy started out the letter properly. But everything else went downhill from there :D

fuckin right! gonna use that if i ever need to break up with someone!

ok... copy, paste and send to the ex girlfriend...she'll like it.

I need a drink

holy cow that was awesome

You know, I just got back from seeing Bad Santa, and I can't help but hear this in Billy Bob Thornton's voice...

Great one, but where is the pearl necklace paragraph with her mom?

God why couldn'i I have written that to my ex!

That was great

Yeah I saw this letter a few months ago. Even though I split-up from my finance' about a year ago -- it was still just what the doctor ordered to put a huge shit-eating grin on my face (as it did again today!) Thanks for the smile. ;)

That, was, by far, the best damn thing i've read in a long time. Man, it had me rolling, I absolutely loved it, hell.........I'm going to have to plagerize it. Thanks for sharing!!!!!!!

Re: I Guess This Is Goodbye (the perfect break up letter)
 

:lol: That was the best line!

thats some funny stuff.

brilliant. specially love the part when the sister comes in

ha, ha. Throat yogurt! Priceless!!!

Wow that was good

Hopefully you change the name from Terri unless of course that is her name...

wow! all i can say is that better never be sent to my door..... it's funny.... okay its freakin' funny.....

this thread deserves every star it gets

My name IS Bill.

This cracked me up. My wife, not so amused.

got through half of it but then pasted out

hahaha errrh..

OMG. I can't imagine actually sending that to anyone, but damn it would be funny.

heheheheh

hehehehehe. at firsti thought this was some other joke break up letter i've seen but this is a LOT funnier. and yes the "Why do I feel so drained and empty" line is classic!!!! :D

Holy hell. :lol:

I can think of a couple of xxs I could have sent that to.

geeesh

awesome.
that's the single best breakup letter I've ever seen

Good stuff, thanks for the chuckles.

No letter beats this breakup letter! Real funny!

Ever thought about writing to Penthouse?

Fucking perfect.

that was a good one.

i'll use that one if i want to get shot by my psychopath gf....you know what, there is no psychopathic gf, i'm just in denial....but if there was and i wanted to get shot............

really funny shit....I might need to use it one day, my gf is getting so fuckin annoyin!

oh wow lol that was great; when I think about how I'd feel like crap doing that to my wife, I realize why I'm not married yet :-)

grrr..biznatch..as your gf..your in HUGGEEE trouble!!!

Poor bastard. That break-up is obviously taking it's toll on him.

well put....and from the heart too......your courage to open your heart and reveal your true feelings should be commended....

she didnt think he was eating right, i didnt get it til later either. funny

This letter will put a smile on anyone who has ever been through a divorce.

No "Dear John" letter could ever beat that. I dare any woman to try. Well, any one but my wife. :)

Creepy, for sure. But it put a grin on my face. Thanks for the post.

AHAHAHAHA! loved it! reminded me of an old "Breaking up with Windows." joke I used to have...

it's a joke...right?

lol, that was funny as hell

Funny stuff. She will take him back for sure.

That was fantastic and original. Hahahahaha. Perfect.

lol freaking awesome

That made my day. Thank you. :D

Lots of sig-worthy material there for the taking.

Wow. That's the best thing I've seen all day, save the fact that the Bengals are handing the Broncos' asses to them.

letter writing at its finest.

that was completely hilarious!

Is this letter copyrighted i ready to send it now... LOL

hahahahaa!! thats classic!!!

A bit long, but funny nonethless

This made the rounds on the ship during the deployment... slightly different wording but all the important parts (throat yogurt, cinnamon ring) are there. It also ended with:

P.S. Where's the fucking remote?

-Mikey

hahaha. that is a great post.